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Old 10-30-2009, 06:33 AM
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Advise Needed

I'm very nervous about sharing what's going on in my life, but I know that you all have most likely been in my shoes before so I'm hoping for a bit of advice with how to deal with what is going on.

I quit drinking 5 days ago...this has been the longest I've gone in over 6 years. I've made a commitment to continue and will never drink again. For the past year I've been going back and forth, but I'm finally ready to make a full commitment.

I have a great support system, My Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-Law and her family. Great friends and co-workers who were all shocked because they had no idea, but are very supportive and are willing to help in any way they can. And a 20 year old Daughter who would love nothing more than to see her Mother quit drinking.

The problem...my Husband who doesn't think there is a problem. I had cut back considerably and when I finally went to see the Doctor last month to get help his response "did you tell him you only drink 6 a night, more on the weekends, but thats to be expected". This Monday I told him I was done and would never drink another drop. His response "oh...ok". When I asked if thats all he had to say about it "well, if thats what you want to do". I know my husband has a problem as well, but he thinks that if he just drinks on weekends (a 30 pack on friday, 18 on saturday and 12 on sunday) that its okay....its not okay. I know that when he gets home tonight that he'll bring a case or more home with him even though he knows that I'm quitting. He has told me before that his actions should not affect mine. All I'm looking for is for some support from him, but I know that is not going to happen. I just don't know how to deal with it and I'm hoping that someone else might have been in this situation.
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Old 10-30-2009, 06:44 AM
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His actions will have an effect on you. Your sobriety is your own. This is where support groups come in big time. Family, friends, people close to me are very helpful. Yet they can't truly understand me like another alcoholic who is also in sobriety. In situations like this I find the help of a sponsor invaluable. An outside person, a stranger- if you will, is ironically a very safe place for support in these situations. It's uncomfortable to initiate. I had so much difficulty asking someone I didn't know for help. But when my wife decides to go have her drinking time I can call my sponsor up and say, "This sucks, not fair, she can drink I can't." And after talking for 10 mins or so, the situation loses its power.

Another strong point is that I can't judge if someone else is an alcoholic, addict. I can only say that for myself. It is fair, though, for me to express concern over the habits of those I love.

Early in recovery, I simply can't take their problems on too. I have to take care of myself first.

Leading by example has done wonders on those around me.
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Old 10-30-2009, 06:47 AM
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Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of great support here. While I haven't been exactly in your shoes, I have come to find that since I became sober, the only people who ever seem to have a problem with a person choosing not to drink are people who are worried about their own drinking. Perhaps your husband isn't ready to acknowledge that, deep inside, he is worried about his own drinking habits.

This is where it gets tricky. As women and mothers, we are often conditioned to be self-less....but recovery requires a bit of selfish-ness, in a good way. You may want support from your husband, but he may never give it to you, and you can recover anyway. Focus on yourself, your recovery, the support system you have, and find others, like SR, maybe try a recovery meeting like AA. You can do this without the support of your husband, even tho you would prefer that he was in your corner. Maybe your example will give him some encouragement to look at his own habit...but maybe not. Do this for you - do whatever you need to do to succeed. This is one time when it is really ok to make things "all about you"!

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Old 10-30-2009, 06:49 AM
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I know that I'm thinking the worst because right now I don't want to be around it at all, but you are right I have to take care of myself first. It would just be nice if the person I was living with would be willing to help.
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Old 10-30-2009, 07:18 AM
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Thinking about just me is a very hard thing to do, but I know right now thats what is needed. I guess what it all boils down to is I'm scared. I will stay sober no what is brought into the house. Just wish it wasn't so hard. I know...I got myself into this and I'm the only one who can get myself out.

Maybe I'm wrong about my husband and he won't come home tonight with a case of beer. This is one time I would love to be wrong. I'll keep myself busy either way and try not to nag him (no promises on that one). Maybe it is just me with the problem. Guess time will tell.

As far as someone to call I do already have that. I'm sure AA is great resource for most people, but I'll do it under my Doctors care and with the support I have. And now I have SR.
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Old 10-30-2009, 07:28 AM
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Thinking about yourself is a hard thing to do for a lot of people. And I understand that you are scared. Especially if your husband comes home with a case. Maybe this will be the first instance when you really have to put yourself first....can you head out to a movie, or the mall or for a visit with one of the people you mentioned on your support list? You don't have to stay home and watch your husband drink. Take a walk, take a long bath with a good book and a bottle of sparkling water or a good cup of tea. Do whatever you need to do to stay sober. That's why I mentioned AA - I don't attend meetings anymore, due to distance and time constraints, but in very early sobriety, I found it very comforting to be with people who understood my struggle, rather than sitting at home resenting people who could drink "normally" (my husband) or even, insanely, envying people who were still in denial about their addiction (my brother).

You last post sounds very determined...keep it up!
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Old 10-30-2009, 07:29 AM
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Be good to yourself in your early sobriety. Eat good food, drink lots of water and juice, take vitamins, maybe get a good walk in if you can. And focus on your own recovery. It may be a bit harder to do if you don't have your husband's full support, but then maybe you'll inspire him to also quit after he sees you doing well without alcohol and the problems it brings.

And you certainly do have our support here at SR! We will support you any way we can! You CAN do this. Have faith in yourself and be kind to yourself. You deserve a better sober life.:ghug3
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Old 10-30-2009, 07:41 AM
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I do have plenty that I can do and can also get out of the house if needed. A few long walks with my dogs, maybe hit the gym that I've been avoiding for the past 2 months, visit my daughter at college, read my new book...things like that.

Most of it is in my mind and getting through to myself that I CAN get through the weekend (with or without his support) is the tricky part, but I will get through it.
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Old 10-30-2009, 09:50 AM
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I just wanted to welcome you.. if you need some instant support, come here and read, chat, whatever

I don't envy your situation, when I quit I had to enforce an alcohol free house.. but my husband isn't an alcoholic so it was no big deal.

I admire the strength I can read in your posts, and your determination. Remember the bigger picture here, how good it will feel, even just tomorrow.. when you wake up having succeeded, clear headed, ready to take on another wonderful day. And then Sunday you'll wake up.. even stronger.. and so on.

Glad you're here!
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Old 10-30-2009, 09:59 AM
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Hey 4ever!! Welcome.

Yea, I have some experience with this.... My wife still drinks, but not alcoholically... But still, early on, it was damn hard when I heard those ice cubes clink in the glass as she made her white wine spritzer...

From what you wrote, he'll be showing up tonight with his case of beer. He's right, it shouldn't matter what he does...

But it does..., doesn't it, to you it matters. I know.

It would be nice if he'd quit, but I never did when my wife was pregnant 4 times (she did remind me of that ).... So don't plan on it..... I drank less then your husband, but it's not how much a person drinks, it's why and what happens...

Smacked has a good suggestion... SR is a great 24/7 place to come when you need some support.

A good program of recovery will help you find serenity. Do you have one?

Welcome...

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Old 10-30-2009, 10:44 AM
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That is a very difficult situation to be in and I was on the other side of the fence. Husband quit drinking and I continued. His way of dealing with it was to ignore me when I was drinking and it was pretty effective. He put himself first and eventually, I came out of my selfishness and alcoholic fog to realize I was destroying any time we had together. I was choosing alcohol over time with him. His method worked eventually and then when I quit I fortunately did not have alcohol in the house to deal with. He had it the roughest, but he worked it the right way and I came around.
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Old 10-30-2009, 11:46 AM
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I know as time goes by it will get easier, but right now I'm in the beginning stages and even though I've made this commitment I could still fall back to my old habits. I think that bothers me more than my husband drinking. I really don't want to go through the withdrawls again.

My husband is leaving in two weeks to go overseas for 6 months, so I have that time to myself without having to worry about what he is doing and I can just concentrate on myself. Hopefully after his return things will be easier and maybe it will be different. I can always hope for the best.

I do have a good program for my recovery (at least I think so). One that my Doctor and I have talked about in great lengths. For me there is no one day at a time. Its all or nothing. I know for a lot people that is hard to do (and you may think I'm setting myself up for failure) , but this is how I have to do it. Time will tell if this approach will work or not, but inside of me I know that it will. I want this too bad to ever go back. I've also been doing a lot of research (thats how I found this place) and talking to a lot of other people. I've been very open to my friends and family about my drinking and the support that I'm getting from them has been amazing.

It's time that I took back my life. And that's what I'm doing. Little by little I know that I will find myself again. Somewhere along the road of life I forgot who I was and I won't let that happen again.

So, that's just a bit of my plan and how I feel. Hopefully my husband will come around and realize that I do have a problem (and he as well), but if not I'll find away to be strong enough for the both of us so I can get through this.
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:02 PM
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Okay.....I drank for 30 years. Quit...16 months ago. My husband still drinks.

When I quit, I expected support from him, but really I didn't get it. Why? I believe he was afraid he'd lose his drinking buddy.

Eventually he did quit for 3 months....now....I think he's sneaking it....can't prove it...not going to go looking for it...but that's what I think. If that's what he is going to do, I can't stop him, nor do I want to.

The only advise I can offer is that you must be damn serious. And, you must do this for YOU. I did lay down some guide lines....for example, if he was drinking, there is no way I wanted to kiss him...sounds bad, but I said it. He accepted it gracefully.

I do know this....the last 16 months of my life have been a huge gift. I wish I would have quit YEARS ago. I am so grateful for every sober day. The relationship with my husband is surviving, but changing....as it should.

You CAN do this. Best wishes to you.
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:02 PM
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One thing is clear...you are not alone on this issue.

My wife demands that I stop drinking...but....

"you have to be able to go to social events with people drinking"

"I'm going to drink my class or 2 of wine, regardless"

She simply isn't willing to "understand" that what is going on with my mind and body that is so different from when she drinks (she is not a heavy drinker).

But, give a strong support group - which it looks like we both have, things will work themselves out.

Cheers and best of luck!
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:15 PM
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Hey 4ever. My advice would be to focus on you. I'm thinking that with your quitting that may be raising some concerns for your husband and him justifying your drinking in turn is his way of making his drinking ok. Being in a relationship where one is drinking and the other isn't usually is cause for some conflict in any case. One person is making a major lifestyle change.

So glad you found SR, this place is great. Keep reading and posting. Welcome!!
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:24 PM
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I believe thats part of the problem as well....we have been drinking buddies for 6 years now. Unfortunately, thats all we really had in common so I'm sure he is as concerned about what will happen between us as am I. With all of the other problems and now my new found sobriety could be the deal breaker, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. Hopefully all will work out, but either way I'm still taking my life back.
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:26 PM
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Welcome!!!
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:30 PM
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As others have said, focus on you
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:44 PM
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Welcome to SR
All my best as you explore sobriety
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Old 10-30-2009, 01:12 PM
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Thanks everyone for listening and all the great support!! I'll be back soon to give you an update on how the weekend is going and to see how everyone else is doing. I do believe that SR is going to be a great help to me. I'm so glad that I found this place!
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