dojoro

I have had a headache for a week. Day 8 today. I think my head feels a little better today but the headache is still there.

Still planning on going to a meeting? I have yet to go. I got the "Big Book" yesterday. I read a few pages last night and it was eye-opening. Gonna go read some more now that my boys are napping I was a teacher...teachers love happy hour...at least the ones I hung out with did. I want to hear all about the meeting when you go. I have such anxiety about going but I am starting to really want to experience it. Especially now since I have the book.

SR has helped me through 7 days the people are wonderful, so supportive. According to the book the only one who can really help is another alcoholic...the logic behind it is astounding but the proof is in the numbers. Got that info from the book last night. My husband doesn't think I have a drinking problem. He is supportive but sometimes I want to believe him when he tells me I don't drink that much(he doesn't see half of it). He is asking me more and more if I will ever drink again...I really don't know. there seem to be more and more times lately I don't think I have a problem either. Just needed a little break is all. I hope to get to a meeting someday but my denial and fear are keeping me away. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on a first meeting!

jo

NewMe11109

Jason -

We alcoholics think that we are so sneaky, but most of the time our spouses know that something was going on.

You need to focus on your recovery... that is your #1 priority.

Since recovery is about:
- One, not drinking, and then
- Two, working on the underlying problems as to why you were drinking, I think that you can't go on without telling your spouse.

For me, if I continued to lie to my spouse, those lies (to sneak out to meetings) would just continue to eat at me until they would cause me to drink. Also, as she might figure out that you are lying, she would probably think that it is an affair not that you are going to a bunch of meetings trying to help yourself. So why make her "make up the worst possible situtuation" when you are just trying to proactively be the best person you can be to yourself and her.

So, the simple answer for me was to confess everything to my wife. Keep in mind that if you have done a great job hiding it, her first response might be "No, you aren't an alcoholic." This is a defense mechanism that they will have to help them with the stigma of alcoholism (e.g. "not in my family!"), but YOU KNOW the truth.

In the end, she was amazingly supportive - once she had the facts.

Keep posting. SR is a great place to obtain and maintain your recovery.

dan1957

Thank for you share Jason R,

You need to get buzy. You need to find ways to relax. You need to replace the drug with exercise, self improvement, hot showers, reading, TV.
If you pick up you will go back to where you left off. Do not pick up one day at a time.

Best regards, Dan.

Tazman53

Hey Jason would you like your wifes support? She can not support what she does not know.

Accountability is a part of the equation of honesty, if and when we hit that point of really quitting we become accountable, it is so easy to only be accountable to ourselfs, that way if we screw up no one knows we screwed up but us!

Jason R

I need some truth please. I still have not made a meeting. Not because I'm blowing it off but, because I have simply not had the time. I drove by one today but was a half hour late (I can't stand being late) So, I decided not to walk in.
Truth part now- Should I tell you guys when I'm messing up? (meaning I am literally on beer #10 right now)

sailorjohn

From my perspective, the truth seems to be that you really don't want to stop. Your life. Good luck with that.

beautifulbc

Tomorrow is a new day....and we'll all be here.

For that I am grateful.

Jason R

John- The TRUTH is that you are not a psychic and you have no idea what I want. All that you can base your ideas from are from what I tell you. I have told you that I want to stop and I would appreciate if you would keep your smart mouthed comments to your self (I certainly hope that you get some compassion if you (all high and mighty) ever screws up.) Also, you had asked if I found any meetings that allow smoking. 9 mile and hoover does. Happy smoking.

Beautifulbc- Thanks , I'll be here tomorrow.

barb dwyer

hi Jason -

The meeting's only a couple of blocks from your house?
wow.

What you're doing right now -
the vascillating on whether to go to a meeitng-
I doubt anyone on this website
hasn't done exactly the same thing.

Maybe take a moment
and go back and read
that first post on this thread.

That's how real the problem is.
It's not going to go away.
That much I can promise you.
It's not going to get better.
Because if you could have made it better -
you would have long before you had to make that first post on this thread.

We all did it.l
We all thought AA was the absolute WORST thing that could happen to us.
And the only thing that aa is absolutely HORRIBLE for -
is it makes it near impossible to continue drinking *and* denying there's a problem.
Damn hard to keep pretending it's not a problem.

In reading your posts, I can see you trying to convince yourself
you can do this on your own,
or even that there's really not a problem warranting outside help.

We ALL did that.

We ALL sat and stared at the receiver before hitting the 'send' button.

We ALL were terrified to admit
on a real and honest level
just how addicted we really were.

That's why the alcoholics in AA
are waiting ... with our hands held out to help.

Because we ALL know.
From the inside out.

My very best wishes,
Barb

sailorjohn

If you're afraid of the answers you might get, don't ask the questions.

Again, good luck with that.

I'll be here tomorrow too. And sober, just like today.

barb dwyer

Jason, hon -

it's not about an attack thing.
Not at all.
We're not psychic.
You're right about that.
But we know from the INSIDE what's going on ...
We're alcoholics.

And nothing abougt that realization is comfortable in the beginning.

We're alcoholics
And we know.

Please understand that we are just trying to help
maybe just in a way that you're not used to.

I hope you'll come back to this thread
after a long sleep
and see the truth in what's been posted here.

Nobody likes having their honesty questioned, hon.
I don't think that was intended at any point.
At the same time -
nobody likes their illusions begin taken away, either.

The people posting here
are just trying to help
by sharing their own experience with the nightmare of alcoholism.

christin1225

I really like this suggestion. Why don't you read what was in your heart when you started this thread, Jason, before the ten beers or however many you may have had.

I'll have you know that I posted on this forum for months while I was popping pills and I was serious about quitting. I just couldn't begin to grasp how to quit or how this meeting stuff would do anything to help me. But, I eventually came to trust the people here and I started going to meetings (without my family knowing, which is harder than hell to do). Lunch time is a good time for meetings. What about hobbies? Do you have a hobby? I used to go to a climbing gym a couple of times a week. So, I stopped all my climbing and started attending meetings instead. Of course, my husband thought that I was still climbing.

And, I still kept taking pills. I wanted to stop. I really wanted to stop. Well, I wanted the insanity that was making me want to use to stop. How could I want to stop so much and still find myself wanting to use???? I concluded that I was going insane. Fellow addicts on SR assured me that I wasn't insane. I was merely experiencing the insanity of addiction. So, I continued to go to meetings.

Jason, my story started here in November of 2008. It's November 2009 and I finally have a little over 90 days off those pills. Why do I finally have 90 days? Because I really wanted to stop. All the same, it took me months to surrender and there's still a great deal more that I need to surrender.

I'm glad that one of those things is no longer the need to tell my family. As I've told you, my family has known about my disease since May. I'm praying for you that you too will come to know the life-giving relief that this admission of truth will bring you. I know it's not easy, Jason. None of it's easy. If it were, we'd all be clean yesterday.

Anticipating the first meeting is torture. Haven't you had enough of that? Once you've gotten past that first one, it gets remarkably easier. Then, it begins to make a difference in you. For some, the change comes right away.

dojoro

Jason...making my second attempt at a first meeting today. Did you get the big book? That helped me realize I probably should go to a meeting...I relate to too much in the book. It makes me yearn for the help and compassion of other alcoholics. Although I am petrified to go...more so because I will be admitting something I really don't want to admit. But I need to go...I see that now and I am trusting what everyone on here says...it will get better and with AA it can be easier. I'll let you know how it goes today...hope I don't just circle the parking lot this time. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Forget yesterday. Start today and have a great day!!!



Jo

beautifulbc

Morning Jason - it's a new day.

I know it feels like an attack but I believe because we're so used to being defensive about our "behaviour" while using it's kinda like a kneejerk reaction to get into that mode when we hear something we don't like.
Our self-esteem is damaged Jason and it's only through being real 'here and now' will it ever get stronger. So even though you may feel like John is not being supportive I think it's us who have to look at ourselves and say "you know what? as much as that hurts, it MAY be true"
We are all here for the same reason, and we're also very individual in how we interact, but that doesn't mean it's mean spirited just different.
Please don't think too long on this subject as it's cutting into what's really important and that's you being sober today.
Hugs and strength....

Tazman53

Jason this is an alcoholic who used to make the decision to buy a 12 pack rather then get milk for my family because I did not have enough monet to get both.

Be honest with your self.

Are you willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober?

I stayed a drunk until I could honestly answer the above question yes.

Now honestly ask your self this, how long did it take you to buy the beer and drink 10?

I bet if you had not spent the time buying the beer and drinking 10 of them you could have easily been to that meeting early.

BTW this is coming from a man who killed 3 on the way to his first meeting and then killing the other 3 driving home and this was after drinking all day long. Did I mention that I HONESTLY was not ready to quit drinking them? I did not go to another meeting for 5 years because I HONESTLY did not want to REALLY quit then.

If one is honestly really ready to stop drinking they will do ANYTHING, they will quit blaming any one or anything, the excuses will dissappear!

The TIME it takes to begin recovery will appear!!! Why? Because with no one else to blame and no excuses, being HONEST with those who have suffered due to our drinking, there will be a ton of time for recovery.

Jason it took me getting hit with a 2X4 before I was able to HONESTLY begin to MAKE time for my recovery and stop B]MAKEING[/B] excuses as to why I could not begin my recovery.

Nobody is being mean to you, they are telling you the truth, they have walked in your shoes before, they made those excuses and blamed who and what they could to not begin recovery just like you are doing right now yet still denying.

Alcholism has one symptom that we all have in common, that symptom is DENIAL!!! First DENIAL of the problem and then the DENIAL that we are not making every effort we can to begin recovery.

Surlyredhead

Jason, your feelings are valid. No one can tell you how to feel or react to anyone else. As in any group of people, there are some who will rub us the wrong way, right, wrong or indifferent. Right now, you are probably very confused and scared. I was in the beginning also, to be honest, it took me more than a few tries to get and stay sober. Please, keep comming here and talking. It will become clear to you what you want and need to do with your life and recovery. We are not here to judge you, just welcome you and support you in your effort to get sober.

Cathy

vegibean

Hey Jason, I've read over the posts and here is what I have to share.......it was told to me by the first counselor I came into contact with at the detox center I spent a great deal of time at.

"Get out of your own way." I believe that is also what SailorJohn is trying to imply as well.

Jason, I'm not trying to knock you either but we addicts justify, explain, blame, rationalize all the reasons why we don't have time. AA meetings have no time limit. You could walk in the last 5 minutes. Whatever time you get to a meeting is right on time.

Look, I know you're wanting to do it but the only person that is going to convince you to go is YOU!!! Get out of your own way, take the suggestions, be willing. Those things are so key for you, for us.

I do wish you the best. Good luck!!!

beautifulbc

I can only tell you how I feel....

Yes, perhaps the comments came across as prickly but everyone deals differently - that's what makes us unique.
I think you would feel a lot better if you could let go of the anger you feel right now and replace it with the good energy and strength that is inside you and make this day count for you.
You really are supported here, and I know we ALL want you to feel that.

Payton

Honestly, who cares?

I think what is starting to be problematic is that your focus seems to be shifting to this one person's comments. It seems so trivial compared to the problem here - which is that you have admitted your life is unmanageable and you need to change.

I want to know how you are doing today with your alcoholism and how you plan on getting to a meeting in the next 24 hours - not whether or not you think one other person on this message board is sarcastic/can't communicate, etc etc etc.

The important issue to focus on/ponder/discuss is how you can take action to end this problem. If you want to be serious about recovery and have others believe you, then prove it - get some help today - make it a priority over all of those other things that would make you late to the meeting. :ghug2

Jason R

When I'm looking for a meeting. What does "Closed Discussion" mean?