New...need help.

Old 10-28-2009, 07:23 AM
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New...need help.

Hi..I'm new and don't know where to start. My SO (significant other) of almost 13 years has an addiction to painkillers. It started out with legitimate abdominal pain and led to where we are now. Before the addiction, our relationship was in trouble. I believe part of, if not all, of this particular addiction is due to an underlying, undiagnosed, untreated mood disorder. Our R has been up & down, in & out, off & on all 13 years. We also have 3 little girls, 11, 7, and 5. He has tried to fill the hole in his psyche with different addictions - women, drink, job, now the drugs.

Last October (2008) he walked out of our house, went to a doctor that prescribed him suboxone and told me he was never coming back. Which turns out to be the only truthful statement he's ever made. That night he moved in with another woman.

Fast forward one year - October 2009. Over the summer we started seeing each other again. He seemed different, was always making his suboxone appointments, claimed he was clean and wanted to start our lives over the "right" way as a family. I was doubtful, nervous about jumping back into things with him so quickly. Long story short, my landlord sold the house I was in and I couldn't find another rental - all this 2 weeks before the 1st day of school. So, I felt forced into moving back into the house "we" own, with him. On top of that, he's lost his license, lost the car insurance, had to turn the plates in because of that - so we have no vehicles on the road. I've had to go to welfare to get food assistance and heat assistance - the only things I qualify for.

At the beginning of October 2009, I was doing laundry and some little baggies with a white powder residue in them fell out of his shorts. Along with a rolled up business card. I'm not stupid. Apparently, he had progressed from swallowing pills to snorting something. On a gut feeling, I started searching the house. In the bathroom I found a needle and a strap. Again, I'm pretty naive about drugs, but, a frigging NEEDLE!!

I confronted him, told him he had to get out of the house. He begged for two days to do something about his problem. The next day (a Monday) he called me into the living room while he made a call. He told the doctor his problem had worsened and he needed to do the next thing. We went down there on Tuesday and the doctor made some calls and got him accepted in a rehab facility. The rehabs policy is to send them to the hospital detox center until they are thru the withdrawal process, then they come back to the rehab center for the program. The shortest being 14 days. OK. I felt better - he voluntarily chose to do this.

About 3 days in, while at the hospital detox center, I get a call. It's him. Come get me, I'm done here, I'm not going back in. All sorts of crap out of his mouth about how he has to work; the kids & have no money, the furnace isn't working, etc, etc. I told him no. I was not going to pick him up. He said if I didn't pick him up - he would just call someone else to come get him. So, I told him, OK - I would get him. (Where he was at is about an hour from our house.) I hang up the phone with him, call the nurses station to find out what's going on and they told me he had checked himself out against medical advice, they had tlaked withhim extensively, but, couldn't pursuade him to stay, so they escorted him from the building. I get off the phone with her, and the phone immediately rings. It's his boss. His job is as a radio DJ. In our area he is a Big Fish in a Small Pond. He is like Elvis around here. We can't go anywhere without people knowing him, asking for autographs, etc. ANyway, I didn't know why his boss was calling. This is a woman who we've known for 10 years - she's a friend, as well as a boss. She asks me "What's going on?" Not knowing what she knew, I was cautious in my answers until she says, "His doctor just called me and told me he checked himself out." Phew, she knew. So, I went into detail with her about what was going on and she checked with the legal department and it was determined that he would not be able to return to work until he had succesfully completed the rehab program. We decided that it would be best for her to go get him and have a talk with him instead of me. She went, talked him into going back to the hospital to complete the detox. 2 hours later, another call from him comes saying he's been released and now he needs to come take a shower before going to the rehab center. Again, his boss intervenes, goes to get him while I bring a suitcase to the rehab center for him.

While in there, he called and as the days went on he was sounding better & better. Talking about the 12 steps, and what he had to do, and sounding so GOOD. He was supposed to be released on a Friday but he asked to stay an extra day (until Saturday) so that I could come on Family Day. All of this started on the 6th of October. The 20th of October, I get a call from the head nurse at the center who said I need to come pick him up he has been medically discharged. I questioned her; asked for his counselor - who ended up being off. I picked him up and we went to the doctors office (the one who got him into the center). When we got there, the doctor was jumping all over him - took blood & urine to test for drugs - I had no idea what the hell was going on. SO had been taken to the hospital on both Sunday night and Monday night for abdominal pain. So,, now I'm thinking he was med seeking and that's why they "medically discharged" him before the actual completion of the program. Now, he DOES have legitamate medical problems. He just doesn't know exactly what they are because he's been choosing the pills over a GI specialist. So, of course - now that he has no pain killers in his system to mask the problem -the problem is making itself known.

The doctor calls a GI specialist and gets him an appointment for the next. He goes, the specialist says "Can't tell anythign without a colonoscopy." Duh. We knew this. Colonoscopy scheduled for November 11. Weeks from now.

So now, I've been confused by his release, confused by the doctors behavior and am now totally skeptical and pessimistic about ALL of this and SO's behavior. I catch him on his cell phone on a call that from this end sounded like a drug deal. I ask to see his phone, he deletes the calls & texts before giving it to me, adding to my suspicion.

The final blow comes Monday. I catch him sneaking pills upstairs into the bathroom. I lost it. I told him to get out. Horrible, horrible 2 hour argument ensues. I try calling his counselor - can't get him. Insist that he get out of the house with his things or I'm calling the police and his boss. Finally, he leaves. After he leaves I call the rehab center again - begging to either get a message to his counselor or to speak with someone else. They put me through the head nurse - the one who called me to pick him up. I explain to her that he said he wasn't using them - only 'selling' them. (I don't believe any of his BS. My gut tells me he WAS taking them.) Her answer - go buy a **** test. I get off the phone with her and am a devastated wreck. I have no idea what to do, who to talk to. No money, no car. He took the only vehicle that was here - one that's not even ours, someone is letting us use it. And 3 little kids that will be home from school soon.

About 8 pm I get a text from him saying he's "coming home". Then a call saying he'd been at a hospital all day. Sure enough, he comes back. Little band on his wrist - waving papers around my face blaming me for messing everything up. Then the killer statement: "I only did this to go thru detox so that the pills would work again." Then, while waving the papers around, claims to have cancer.

Later on, I looked at the papers. They said "Mesenteric Lymphadenitis" and Dilaudin.

Anyway - I know I've written a book. But, I had to get this all out. I have no one I can talk to about this. Everyone has either written him off, or me (for moving back with him) or simply don't want to get involved. The two people I have told tell me to get rid of him or move out. Easier said then done. Again, I find myself in a position where I am totally reliant on him for money, have no vehicle, and our kids.

I feel like I'm standing at the edge of my own personal Grand Canyon. Trying to decide whether to jump off or not. But the kicker is, if he were to come anywhere near me while I'm standing there, I'd push him to save myself.

I know that I have to do what's best for myself and my children. Do everything I can to protect them and myself. I know that I can't save him - only he can do that. But I cannot sit here and be a part of it. The kids & I have been thru hell. I've made decisions that come to find out were based on lies and misinformation given to me by him. I am responsible for my own choices, but he's such a scamming ******** artist - even being hypervigilant about his lies to me, I still find myself being misled. I can't take it anymore. I can't get to any AlAnon meetings - I have no car and no one to watch my kids. I have no money for a gallon of milk let alone gas money if I had a car to put the gas in. I had medicaid, but since I moved I have to reapply in this new county - something I haven't been able to do because of the whole no car/no gas thing. So I can't even get mental health counseling for myself.

I'm so drained. Mentally, physically. I'm afraid when push comes to shove, if it comes down to a him or me scenario, I will do everything I can to survive. I sat here yesterday totally catatonic. To the point where I put the girls to bed at 7 PM because I was afraid of losing it in front of them or towards them. Where was he? Oh, at 2:30 in the afternoon he says "I'm gonna go hit a meeting." He didn't get home until after 8 pm.

I'm a mess.
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Old 10-28-2009, 07:37 AM
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I'm sorry for your situation and I hope that your husband will seek help for his addction.

I hope that you seek support for yourself, maybe through AlAnon and/or using this message board.
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Old 10-28-2009, 07:45 AM
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Hon which is of utmost importance, you and your children or him?

Want to help him? Do absolutley NOTHING for him, if he falls down leave him there, if he gets busted do NOTHING!!!!! Alkie or addict, the longer folks help, the longer it takes us to hit bottom hard enough for us to begin recovery.

Take care of yourself and your kids, you can NOT help him, he needs to help himself.

Go to the friends and family forum here and go to alanon if you can.

Please for the sake of your children, do NOT go down the toilet with him.
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Old 10-28-2009, 07:51 AM
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What Taz said.

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Old 10-28-2009, 08:48 AM
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Whoops - did I post in the wrong section?
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Old 10-28-2009, 08:57 AM
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No of course you didn't! But, you are codie by this time. Visit the friends and family forum. Your post was long and detailed and there were lots of red flags in it: essentially you are doing things you didn't want to do and crossing the boundaries and breaking rules you made.
Lots of us alcoholics (and drug users) are also co-dependent.
It's really hard to set those boundaries and stick to our guns.
Welcome to SR by the way and you will find a huge amount of help here. Yes, you might want to post in Friends and Family forum.
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Old 10-28-2009, 09:00 AM
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Welcome to SR. Taz has given great advice. Leave SO to his own devices and take care of yourself and children
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