How the F**K did I turn into a crackhead?

Old 11-22-2009, 02:30 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Location: Wilmington, NC
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Hi there and welcome to SR. This is a fantastic place for support and shared experiences!

I've very proud of you for posting. I think acknowledging that there is a problem is a very important step. The next step is doing something about it. It sounds like you're making a good effort but I also saw that you have used your wife's drinking to quantify you smoking crack. Just like you didn't cause your wife's drinking, you can't control it nor can you cure it, the same goes for you. You want to smoke crack and anyone that wants to use any substance will find any excuse to use and another person's behavior is convenient.

My husband is a 47 year old seasoned addict. He is an alcoholic first and an addict second. For years and years he was an opiate addict. He's been to more detoxes and treatments than he can count. He went through 2 very soon into our marriage. He was a substance abuse counselor. Had some pretty decent clean time and worked in a field that he knew inside and out. He was so good at his job and had tons of prestige and respect in the community.

He ran into a buddy at AA who introduced him to crack and he spiraled out of control very very quick. Never in a million years did he expect "cocaine" to grab him in such a vicious grip after all he'd snorted coke on an off all his life but his true love was alcohol and heroin. I think he thought if he could kick heroin, cocaine would be walk in the park but there is such a huge different between powder cocaine and crack.

My husband went to treatment earlier this year, this time for crack. He had again, some pretty good clean time and the first big fight we got into....he picked it up again. He is now homeless, jobless, family-less. He is living in a shelter when he's not on the street driving a truck with no insurance, no plates and living for the crackpipe. He can't care about his wife, child, home because we can't compete with the high that crack provides.

I know the holidays are coming up and it's not convenient to get any type of help but you must if you want to save yourself and your family. It doesn't sound as if your homelife is ideal but your life, reputation and self-esteem ARE. Make a move and start researching your options so you don't ruin your career and way of life.

Please, please. I think you know now that crack is a very big monster that will eat you up quicker and take you down faster than any other drug or vice out there. I'm so sorry that you are having to through this at all, Keep being proactive and keep coming back here for support and to let us know how its going - good or bad.
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Old 11-23-2009, 06:13 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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wow, what a thread! I am sorry you ran into this sort of trouble. Get to a meeting of any type and spill your guts. you will love it.
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Old 11-23-2009, 09:05 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Hardnhstn. WELCOME to SR! My name is Crackquack, and as the name implies, I am a crack addict. Nearly TEN months clean! There are a couple other, wonderful people, who are also "crackheads" like myself, that I know of, and love, at SR. Change4Penny and Impurrfect. Both have LOADS of good, clean, time, off of crack cocaine! So, there IS hope for you!
As for "How the F**K it happened? I gotcha on that one. My ex boyfriend is big into heroin, meth, and crack. I watched him smoke crack, manufacture meth, and shoot heroin. Well, as the story goes... He's got the party favors and mine was a nice bottle of jagermeister. I'd drink and smoke weed to deal with his HUGE addiction. He'd try to sucker me into smoking crack a few times, but I had always said NO in the past. I looked at alcohol, cocaine (powder), and weed differently than I did crack, heroin, and meth. Well, one fateful night, I am three sheets to the wind on my jagermeister and sure enough, inhibitions were lowered just enough that when he offered the pipe, I was game, so to say. I took it and WOW did I LOVE THE CRACK! Had to have me that crack. 6 figures in the bank became negative all too soon. Three credit cards maxed out. 4 of my six cars sold. My enclosed car trailer SOLD. Kicked out of my house because my best friend caught me smoking crack there, MORE THAN ONCE. Moved to my Mother's house, where the only rule she had was not to bring the drugs home. Not only did I DO THAT, I stole cash and pills from her in order to score more crack. I helped my ex rip off his parents (they own the business he runs) by cashing paychecks there, every week, like I worked there. For over a year. I actually did work a total of about 20 hours the entire time. Two OD's and, thankfully, NO arrests, later, I was still struggling hard. I got away from the Ex cause I knew being with him, I would never stop and he was working hard to get me on meth or heroin with him as this is how he enticed ladies to start "working" for him in a whole different way (prostitution). But I could NOT stop smoking crack.
You should see me. I, in NO way, shape, or form "fit the mold" of what society thinks is a crackhead. I WAS over 300lbs, now am around 187. I lost about 130lbs over the 9 months my crack smoking was heaviest. I always wore make-up and showered.
Now granted, yes, I was drunk that fateful night, but I had also just gotten out of a 6 1/2 year relationship that I thought would progress to marriage. I also lost my GM job around the same time. So no husband. No money. I am depressed and down. A friend introduces me to this guy whom he says needs a girlfriend. I took the job and really could kick myself sometimes, but I am a stronger person for it.
Anyway, you've got to really WANT to get clean. You've got to WANT to get off the crack. Stay away from that other woman. If you insist on having an affair, change your number and find another lady who doesn't do drugs. Not even drinking. If you want to get off crack, keep coming back here to SR. We've got a lot of support and information here for you! Try NA meetings. If you really insist on hiding your addiction from your wife (and I don't suggest you do), tell her you're going to a support group of some other kind... Don't get caught up in her drinking. FOCUS on YOURSELF! Look for support in our friends and family forum for problems with your wife's drinking. Stop blaming her and her drinking on your crack addiction. It's harsh to say, yes, but you made the choice to take that first hit. Just like I can really get down and dirty on my lost relationship, job, and my ex pushing me, what it all boils down to is I still -CHOSE- to take that first hit and THAT is all on me. I could have made a different choice. If you are not comfortable with NA or AA, trying a therapist or even outpatient treatment at a rehab. Or come clean with your wife and go to impatient. It's going to take a LOT of work to get off of crack. Withdrawals are NOTHING physically, compared to the MENTAL MIND F**K you're gonna get. It's what is so sneaky about crack addiction. You feel great because you can go days, weeks, or even a month or two without smoking, but then the cravings hit REALLY hard and without a good plan of action, you're back at it before you know it.
Most importantly DO NOT DO ANY OTHER DRUGS (alcohol IS a drug!!!), especially in early recovery. Don't smoke weed or drink to curb the cravings. Don't do a line. NOTHING. Trust me, it LEADS RIGHT BACK TO CRACK! Been there, done that. I'd pop vicodins or smoke weed to curb my cravings for crack and all I ended up doing was getting loaded off of one of them and go get some crack and keep getting crack and more crack..
Hun, I have NO idea how the he ll we became crackheads. We KNOW it's bad and it's EXTREMELY addictive! Where our brains went wrong when we decided the first hit would be OK... I have NO clue.
But YOU can do it. Several others have! We know you can too! Almost 10 months clean myself. This time last year, I was still sneaking around, trying not to let friends or family catching me smoking crack. I was already going to NA meetings and trying, but I didn't want it bad enough. I wanted to APPEAR to want it. In February of 2009, I FINALLY hit my bottom when I almost exchanged sex for crack, threw up several times, and almost OD'd AGAIN. Luckily I lived to share my story and try again. That time was for REAL. And it's not all rainbows and unicorns, but I am MUCH better off and MUCH happier!
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Old 11-23-2009, 09:35 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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As ((Crackquack)) said, you've got to want NOT to be a crackhead bad enough to quit. I understand living with an active alcholic is stressful and you're used to dealing with stess by hitting the pipe.

However, you CAN learn to deal with stress in other ways. You can divorce her, as you mentioned. Any chance you can physically separate from her for now? I live with a stepmom who is addicted to pain pills, xanax and anything that will knock her out. I take seroquel for sleep (I have PTSD from a traumatic robbery at work last year, and it's the only thing that will help me sleep) - she is constantly begging me for those. My 16-year-old niece, who we are raising, finally stopped smoking weed when she got a job, but she still likes to drink and every single member of her family has addiction issues (her mom was my stepsister, killed in a wreck when niece was one). My dad has major anger issues. I'm living at home, at the age of 48 because I totally screwed up a nursing career and my finances due to crack. I wait tables for 3.13/hr plus tips and am getting broker and broker.

Any one of these things could easily lead me back to crack. I've been to jail more than once. I am fortunate that I was arrested as a first offender, so have no felony.

I'm only saying this to point out that I want to NOT SMOKE CRACK no matter what. I depend on SR, several people here have become very good friends and one is my best friend - I e-mail her all throughout the day. I also have a few f2f friends/family that I can call when I'm at my wit's end.

I'm tired of dealing with the consequences I brought on myself, and have decided that the actions I take today will only bring me GOOD consequences in the future.

In the end of my using, I hated myself every time I did it. The high just wasn't worth it. Sure, it makes you forget the misery in your life for a short while, but as soon as the high wears off, you're right back where you started AND you've got to deal with the lousy feelings of the fact that just just surrended to the crack demon again.

I've got over 2-1/2 years clean and, even with all the stuff I'm going through, I am WAY happier than my best days of smoking that ****. I'd become a person I never thought I'd be and I don't ever want to go back there.

It's up to you. You can learn how to deal with your life, without crack, but you've got to want it bad enough.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 11-23-2009, 11:13 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: mason city, iowa
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crack is the only drug i have never tried. seen what it does to people. dont wanna go there
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Old 11-24-2009, 03:06 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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How the F**K did I turn into a crackhead?
for me, my will dabbled with an addictive substance!

hence all the prices to be paid.

with a lot of honesty, and hard work,

today, i have my soul account back...

good wishes hardy
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Old 11-24-2009, 08:34 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Looking For Myself...Sober
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This thread gave me the bubble guts!

I am angry that someone would give antoher person any type of misery knowing they have never tried it. I just dont get it.
I still resent the person that got me smoking the ****. He ruined my life. Noy knwingly. But he did in my eyes. And I know its all on me. But if he hadnt given me that first few. I dont know if I would have ever tried it.
Why is it always someone we are involved with that gets us to do the stupidest ****?

I cant answer your question. But I know for me, I never in a million yrs thought I would have gone the path I have for the past 16 yrs. Never.
I look back and I am just like "Where the hell has my life gone?"
I have struggled with this crap for so long. It almost feels like a life sentence to me. But thank goodness for people like Impurrfect and others who have gotten out of it, I have hope.
What feels impossible is possible and the proof is right there.
I ruined everything in a matter of hours last weekend. I was doing the best I have in so long. And in one night I managed to lose my job, almost get stabbed, get blamed for missing money at work, that I really didnt take this time, my van got all 4 tires stabbed, had a meltdown and just got home from a mental hospital. Have to go to a 6 to 9 mo program so I can get my life together and stop effin everything up every few months.
It happend so fast mst of the time. It steals your very soul. And anything is the perfect excuse to use.
I got a trillion and one excuses to get high. And none of them are relevant. Its the addicts rationalization that makes it seem like they are valid reaosns. Thats such BS.
I suggest you get some help before you do lose everything. I wouldnt worry too much about your "drunken wife." I would be focusing on my own addictive issues. Theres nothing you can do for your wife unless she wants to stop. So do what you gotta do for yourself and find some kind of help to get you clean. And stay away from those people or that "lady friend" who is probably only using you to get high. Actually there is no probably about it. Your a great target, a crack addicts dream. We use to love it when people like you came slummin in our neighborhood. It was like we won the lotto. Use you up and throw you back to your mess and be done with you. Until you came looking for that misery again. And we are more than happy to serve it up to feed our own addictions. wWork you over and possibly set you up and rob you if we thought we could.
Get some help for yourself. Please. You think its bad now. It can always get worse.
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Old 11-24-2009, 08:58 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hardnhstn View Post
It looks like the main change that needs to happen in my little world is to divorce my drunken wife.......the crazyness around here continues whether I smoke crack or not.

I drove her to the store for booze at 7 pm last night to prevent her from driving herself there drunk and by 5:30 am the next morning she was waking me up to help her look for her wine so that she could go to sleep. She blamed her drinking last night on it being difficult to leave me..............I encouraged her to sober up and get out!

Although in a positive note she slept in our bed for 30 minutes while I looked all through a 5,000 square foot house for more little bottles of wine. I did not find anything other than a ton of empties!

(She has not slept in our bed in about a month and don't ask about any sort of physical contact...........please really don't ask)

and life goes on........
Hi there. I'm new here but am a recovering crackhead myself.
I think the number one thing is getting to meetings. Find some sort of recovery in your life. Your wife is not the problem. The addiction is the problem.
I couldn't have done it alone and I would never suggest anyone try to. Get some support and get honest. The guilt will kill you before the wife will.
Stay strong. The longer you're away from the drug, the easier it gets.

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Old 11-25-2009, 06:51 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Hey hard, glad you found us. People have really shared some great stuff with you and I hope that gives you some comfort. Sounds like you have some decent work to do and I wish you all the best. Keep sharing, stick around and welcome to SR!!! This place is a life saver.
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