vegibean

I looked around the board and figured I would post here first and then I can copy and paste it some where else??

So I have made some changes in my life recently. GREAT changes!!! I am very excited. I'm going back to school and slooooooooooowly looking for another job. Hoping to get one within my field of interest. I'm going to get my BA in Criminal Justice.

*****Some of you may remember about a month ago I posted about my job I was working at the time. I'm not there any more, my boss was great when letting me go, took care of me, told me he'd help me with references and asked if they could call me if they have any questions about any of the office projects, etc., was a good ending.*****

One of the things we discussed was his expectations and how much I busted my butt there in that office. I KNOW how hard I worked and he agreed, he knows I really did bust my butt.........and here's my problem.........

I like that fact that I'm a hard worker but I think I over extend myself. My going back to school has been a perfect example for me. My first assignment is due Nov. 10th and it's done. Everything I've had to do for school, done, done, done, done. My school adviser has been "impressed" with how I've followed through and gotten everything done.

Now where I think most people would think it's great that I'm "so on top of things", I beat myself up getting this stuff done. I'm like a freaking maniac. I'm a perfectionist to the bone. There's no balance there.

I also would never take a break for lunch while I was there and of course I was ALWAYS early, just insanity!!

I've also been working out for over a month now, every day, kicking my @ss. Glad I'm doing it but this is what I've done to myself my entire life. Then I get so exhausted, I just want to quit.

I HAVE NO BALANCE!!!!! I don't know how to get it, I don't know how to be in the middle, there is not middle. I am either not going to do it (which won't happen because that's not an option) or I go ALL THE WAY!!!!!

Maybe some of you are thinking "what the heck does this have to do with recovery?" For me, it has a lot to do with it because I can't have expectations of myself and end up face down because I pushed myself so hard. Come on Caitlin!!!! CHILL!!!!!

I've answered some ads on Craigslist to make some extra money to cover my bills and I wake up thinking "what am I going to do today?" and the next thing you know I'm booked solid. I'm doing an organizing project for the next couple of nights, then cleaning a house on Saturday, doing a mock trial on Sunday and meeting another woman here in my town who needs help with her kids. Yet, I'm "bored", WTH Caitlin???

Seriously, I need help with this issue or I'm going to be my own worse enemy here. I'm glad that I want to excel in what I do but I really am way too hard on myself.

Dee74

I empathise Vegi.

I'm (slowly) changing down from top gear - simply because I was making myself sick over and over again trying to do too much, or worrying about stuff.

There's some control issue stuff in there for me.
And a (quite unnecessary) need to prove myself.

It's also hard not to ignore that a lot of this drive actually bought me to alcohol in the first place, so I made my mind up a while back I was gonna ease back...

so I'm letting go, relaxing more - making time to relax, making time for me - and nothings exploded LOL

The cemetery is full of indispensible people, y'know?

take care C
D

Mark75

Not me.... It has everything to do with recovery.

Running all the time... Are you afraid you might catch up with yourself?

Just a thought... I don't have any magic words of wisdom though, although I can relate, sort of... I'm not nearly as organized as you seem to be. I try to reflect at certain times of the day, meditate if you will. I get a lot of that done on my bicycle rides, while I'm working out. I like a 20-30 minute cat nap after work, that helps.

I don't know... You have to find your own balance... I guess if you know that and try for it, you might find it!

Mark

vegibean

HA!!! Yep D, that's the thing I'm also well aware of, some of what I've done as for my drinking has come from this "good" defect of mine.

vegibean

I don't think that's it though. That's kind of the problem, I am also quite good at making sure that I'm "always doing the right thing", but I know if I keep tabs on myself and push myself constantly like this I'm just going to keep doing it. Go 1,000 miles and hour, then crash and then do it all over again.

I'm willing to take the suggestions. Meditating is something I could certainly do a little more often.

Anna

I totally get that, Vegi!

I was a perfectionist, control-freak, and all of that. One of the huge downsides of that, was that I attached myself so much to jobs, hobbies, whatever. When I moved and a job ended, I felt a huge loss in my life, because it had been far too important to me. I have learned from Eckhart Tolle that I shouldn't attach myself to things in my life and that is a great lesson. It's hard though, but it sounds like you are on the right track. Recognizing that you need balance in your life is huge!

vegibean

Attach........ I get that anna. TY!!

yeahgr8

Balance is a huge part of recovery!

Before i would start a job/project and, as Anna said, attach myself to it...whatever i was doing would almost (almost, i mean would) become my identity...even to the extent that i would not be interested in talking or thinking about anything else. Of course i excelled at whatever i did and my bosses thought it was all their xmas's come at once lol

I think my uncle said it best a few years ago, in that we have a little greenhouse inside of us with a bunch of plants...they are things like friends, hobbies, work, partner (if applicable at that time)...add what you want to the list...and the trick is to water each one enough so that it does not wither away and also to not water one too much so it starts to choke the plants next to it for space.

It's an ongoing balancing act...if you can get to the point where you keep a close, practiced, eye on all the plants and water each one just enough to be at the right height and colour then we will have a happy balanced life, i like that idea:-)

vegibean

THANK YOU Yeahgr8!! I like that metaphor. I think I heard a similar story from one of my counselors in regards to having a garden. I'm going to keep taking a look at that.

Thanks you guys.