do i belong here?
 

i don't know if i belong on this forum or not.

last september i went to a bikers' meeting and had a great time. i drank a couple Mike's Hard Lemonade at the party. no biggie. met some great people.

a month later my dad died at the age of 84. it was unexpected cuz we thought he had pneumonia, but it turned out to be lung cancer. he was laughing and talking on Friday . . . on Sunday he was gone.

husband didn't say any of the things i expected from someone who's been my love for 18 years.
me: "dad died at 4 a.m. i'll be home tomorrow to help get the kids packed."
him: "you're not coming home today?"

i kinda thot he'd say "I'm sorry honey." oh well.

long story short, one of the guys from the bikers' meet sends me an "i'm sorry" that was everything i was needing to hear. got tangled up with him emotionally over the internet; tried twice to cool it and failed; husband gets into my email, and the **** hits the fan. (that covers about 6 months from the time my dad died).

in the meantime i had taken to drinking my grief and pain on the weekends after the kids were in bed.
that became drinking the pain on a weeknight or two, then three, etc.

then, even though some half-assed counseling had helped, and some books on grief, etc had added to feeling a bit better, i found myself feeling impatient for the kids to go to bed so i could start drinking.

around the beginning of october i realized that if i drink at supper, i don't have wait for bedtime to get started. btw: my drink of choice is wine bought in those 4-packs of small bottles.

one bottle with supper became two. i was typically drinking 3 to 5 bottles almost every night.

so i know it isn't good and it isn't helping. sometimes it makes me mean and irritable. i decide to stop and talk to my husband about it. i explain that i'm drinking to get drunk and i don't think that's healthy.

for two weeks i don't drink even though when 6:00 pm rolls around, i want one.

this weekend we got together with friends. saturday night everyone was drinking something, mostly beer. i ordered a glass of wine. then a second one, while telling myself i shouldn't (husband also advised against it).

then everyone stops at the store to buy beer for the party. i bought my 4-pack of wine -- again against my and my husband's better judgement. "just want one more."

three bottle later i realize i didn't drink a little -- i drank a LOT. but this time i wasn't drowning pain . . . i was having a blast.

so, yeah, i crave wine. and after i drink too much, i'm not pleased with myself. and drinking to the point that the room spins around actually increases the emotional pain i feel and confuses the reasons for that pain.
and i've walked to the store to buy more wine cuz i was already drunk.
and the thought of never having an alcoholic drink again makes me sad and dejected.

does that necessarily mean i'm an alcoholic and i ought to be in AA or something? and, honestly, what's so wrong with spending the year or so after your dad dies getting drunk? just because my life spun out of control and i chose to drown it in wine, doesn't mean i'll be drinking forever . . . does it?

i don't know.

thanks for listening.

Hi Skid650

I'm sorry for your year - it sounds rough.

Does it matter if you're an alcoholic or not?

You're obviously concerned about your drinking, and you seem to have trouble stopping.

Argue about the labels all you like - I'd call that a problem that needs addressing.

I don't know anymore than you do.

I do know in my case I had a loss I had to get through - in my case I broke up with a partner - and instead of dealing with it healthily, I turned to drinking. I figured I'd blot out the pain for a couple of weeks.

Fast forward 10 years and I was still drinking - all day when I could get away it.

Long after the reasons I started drinking for were ancient history, I was left with the addiction.

You don't want to be doing this in 10 years, trust me.

You've come to a good place. You'll find a lot of support and experience here - read around post as much as you like...

hopefully we can help you work out what you need to do :)

Welcome
D

Welcome to SR....:wave:

I'm sorry you lost your Dad.
Losing loved ones is always painful for me too.

When my drinking turned me into a woman I detested
I decided to take action and make changes.
For me.....that meant abstinance abd AA recovery.

I certainly hope you find something that gives you peace
and joy. Blessings to you and your family

Welcome!!!

My condolences on the loss of your father. There are a few self-evaluation tests online, the one I usually refer to, being from Michigan.

Michigan Alcohol Screening Test

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

:welcome

So sorry about your dad. It doesn't matter if you are an alcoholic or not. There isn't any requirement that you sign something that says you are or aren't. Given your concerns, what would it hurt to stay a member for a while, read what others are experiencing and maybe gain some insight into yourself? I have found it very helpful. Best wishes in whatever you do.

As others have cited, you've been through a lot. But news flash, we all go through a lot at times in our lives. Hang around these boards and you'll learn several simple messages. The most important to me: "There are no problems that drinking cannot make worse." I remind myself of that whenever I face a tough situation or challenge.

The other theme that resonated with you post is the fact that you're a parent. I too was concerned about my lack of patience with kids at the end of the day. Hurry and get them to bed, so I could knock down a couple of beers... That was totally unacceptable for me, and it was a driving factor in me eliminating alcohol from my life 168 days ago.

I'm still a relative newbie here, Skid, but that's my 2 cents. Please keep posting.

Alcoholic is just a word. From what you have written, you seem to think you have a problem with your alcohol use. That's all that really matters. There are a lot of things you can do at this point. Try going to some AA meetings, "the only requirement for attending is a desire to stop drinking". Maybe talk to a theripist specializing in addiction therpy and grief therpy. Talk to your doctor about is and see what he says. Make a conscious effort on your own to stop, or at least cut down and see how that goes. Whether or not you meet the "textbook defination" of alcoholic really doesn't matter. YOU think you have a problem, so take some steps to try to work on it. Take care.

Welcome.. of course you belong here :)

The one thing that comes to mind is are you taking care of you? What have you done to help yourself out with all that you've been through? My drinking became quite vicious when I was married. The marriage was unhealthy so I drank and that continued until I was so sick. All it did was cover up the issues. I never dealt with what was the problem. Quite frankly, I really didn't know how to and alcohol was my best friend. It was horrible.

When I finally was in a situation where I needed to help myself and the bottle was gone, I was an emotional and mental mess. I had thought the whole time I was being strong and I wasn't. I was in so much pain that once I got sober, I cried for almost a month straight.

Two years later here I am and am feeling much better today. Alcohol solved nothing for me and just made the situation worse. I'm so grateful to be sober, DIVORCED and to have my life back.

My heart goes out to you. Glad you found us. I'm sure you'll probably get tons of great insight that I bet you'll find helpful. Welcome to SR!! :)

Welcome to SR :a122:

Alcohol is rubbish at solving problems. Its great at creating them tho :)

it sounds like you do :)

When my dad died suddenly 12 years ago, I didn't drink. I drowned my sorrows in Big Macs. Seriously. They were comforting, and reminded me of fun times as a kid when we'd go to McDonald's. So I'd go to McDonald's every day, order a Big Mac, and eat it before I got out of the parking lot. Sometimes I'd drive through again, and eat another one, all in less than 20 minutes.

I gained about 30 pounds in less than three months. It was kinda gross. But I couldn't stop.

My point here is, there wasn't a label for that kind of mood control (or maybe there is, and I just didn't know it.) If you're turning to some kind of food or drink or drug to drown your emotions or to feel better, you've probably got some kind of problem that needs to be dealt with.

Good luck. I hope you find some help here.

Hi Skid (I love Va Beach!). You definitely belong here while you get things sorted out. It's a complicated situation & there's no quick answer. I'm sorry you lost your father.

As I'm sure you've heard, alcoholism is a progressive disease. I didn't get what that meant, until I looked back over the years and saw how tolerant I had become of it. How I went from one or two beers to 100 proof vodka that I drank straight, and that didn't even do the job in the end. My special occasion drinking went to 24/7 drinking over time. I never would've believed my life could spin so out of control.

I'm glad you joined us instead of struggling with this alone. Hoping to hear more from you.

Welcome skiddy!
Yeah, I remember being irritable with my family cause I was waiting to drink.

Welcome!

I am very sorry for your loss and the difficulty you are having grieving for your father.

I think it's not important whether you label yourself an alcoholic or not. Is alcohol causing you to dislike yourself? For me, my already low self-esteem plummeted when I drank. Is alcohol causing you problems in your life? If so, then stopping drinking makes a lot of sense.

hmmmm . . . wonder if this will mean never drinking again (including when i party with my motorcycle buds), or just not drinking alone at home or with meals . . . only drink when i party with my motorcycle buds (no, we do NOT drink while out on a ride. we drink in the evening AFTER the riding is done).

have an appointment with the EAP to get things started again . . . i've been through more counselors in the past 25 years than i can count. but i think i've grown up enough to stop playing games and running away from them and my problems. waiting for Nov 6.

skid, this is why they say take it one day at a time. Don't focus on never drinking, or when you'll drink again, or when will be the right time to drink. Just don't drink today, and plan on not drinking tomorrow, and then tomorrow see how you feel and take it another day. Thinking too far ahead will get you all bogged down and possibly send you straight for a pity party ...

ah ha!!!! That's where i'm screwing up the detail.

KEWL:tyou

I totally agree with Penny.

Your mind is already off obsessing when you will next drink. When I was trying to control my drinking, I obsessed about when, where, how much and all of that. It took over my mind and I hated it.

And, it's great that you're looking at EAP.