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-   -   This is getting so old again!! (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/187133-getting-so-old-again.html)

swampy 10-25-2009 09:51 PM

This is getting so old again!!
 
Hello... well, i really did it the last few days. went on a 2 day drinking binge and don't remember much. I did tell my parents I wished i was dead. The alcohol talking and the desperation. I do not feel like that now, as I have finally slept it off and feel almost together again. This continuous relapsing is just getting so old. In the last few months I have ruined some relationships and lost out on a few opportunities. I feel like I let my parents down so much. it sucks. I have been not drinking for a few days going to meetings, then drinking again. I mean I went out the other night and ended up waking up in my car at 4:00 am. Insane. I am so lucky that I did not get a D.U.I. The really crappy part is I have posted that that was the last straw and I will get sober again and make it last, however, every time i had the intention I again looked at my life situation and then said why bother? I already lost 18 months.. so forget it. just to repeat myself(sorry, others who have read my previous posts); i am 41, 2 kids(not living with me, live with my parents, no significant other..etc.etc.. It's like a pity party I am sick of even writing about now! If I could get back on track and move forward with the program, I was on step 10 actually in NA. I also take anti-depressants, but, as you know the effect is negated when drinking and whatnot. Basically, I feel like I am at the end of the line but, scared,empty,alone, worn out... I think just by typing and then reading this, I feel a little stronger and I think I can do this again. BTW, I do have sponsor who I am close too, but I have not called him in a few days, for obvious reasons. I like him, but he gives me the worst case scenario and tells me that I should be greatful for what I have now, as it could be alot worse and I know it.Sometimes I do not want to hear that though. I do have a handful of friends in the program, however, like I posted before, It's hard for me to make friends sometimes as i sometimes look unapproachable... blah,blah,blah.. Thanks for reading.

barb dwyer 10-25-2009 09:58 PM

swampy:

then make the call.

You're not alone.

NewMe11109 10-25-2009 10:05 PM

Swampy - this is the insanity of alcohol. I am sorry. Call your sponsor. He can give you the best advice. Yes, you relapsed, but move on. So many others here have as well.

Think about your kids. You can recover - but you can't do it alone. Go to meetings. Meet with your sponsor. Post on SR. Work on what is making you depressed.

Just don't drink today.

thirtybubba 10-25-2009 10:39 PM


Originally Posted by me11109 (Post 2410920)
So many others here have as well.

I'd be one.

Call your sponsor.

I can relate to dang near every sentence in your post. But you got a lifeline, and yeah, maybe you don't want to hear even that, but you do, so call... and post. And do whatever else it takes to just get through the hours...

Be safe,
-TB

Dee74 10-25-2009 10:59 PM

Hi Swampy
Good to see you back.

The best advice I can give you is some I'm pretty sure I've given you before - there is no change without change.

The least you can do is make that call and reconnect - see where that takes you.

If you don't want to hear the worst case scenario, why are you drinking yourself headlong towards it?

D

swampy 10-26-2009 02:54 PM

wow. my sponsor really let me have it. I don't think he has ever really gotten this agitated with me before, however, I think I needed it. Thanks for reading.

Anna 10-26-2009 05:11 PM

Hi Swampy,

I'm glad you're back, and I understand how discouraged you feel.

You must not give up!

CarolD 10-26-2009 11:51 PM

When I began my AA Steps.....I felt a shift of perception
a different more positive mind set.
Yes I see you were doing Steps.....but......

:) I suggest you talk to your sponsor about starting Step 1.

All my best....:hug:

swampy 10-26-2009 11:53 PM

Yeah.. at three days now and it sucks, but I do not feel like picking up.. I kind of do not want to hear from my sponsor. He started making me angry. He just said.. well, your going to jail and you are endangering your life and the lives of others. Granted, I fell asleep in my car after the bar one night, but I drink from home pretty much all of the time. ha, I am trying to justify this, but I know he speaks the truth. I feel like an idiot posting on here, but I feel like I have too. anyway, meeting tomorrow at noon, then I plan on seeing my sponsor and try to start coming up with a plan and work the steps again. btw, .. before this last relapse last week, I had told him i would promise my mom, who knows of this situation, that I would admit myself to rehab, because of the continuous relapses in the last 7 weeks. honestly, I know i promised , but do not think it would help. I got clean last time without rehab, so why do i need to put myself into that situation again. but that is why he's really mad, i guess... Again, that is what I think, maybe I am fooling myself. thanks for reading.

mxchaos 10-26-2009 11:56 PM

Don't give up a couple of days here and there is better than nothing. It's hard work and soon you will get it. As long as you keep trying there is hope of a wonderful new life for you.
Keep it in the moment and don't give up
You can do it!

Tazman53 10-27-2009 04:10 AM

Swampy hearing what we know is true can be darn hard some times, but in the long run if we LISTEN and then follow that with ACTION we make progress.......... one day at a time.

Got a phone? Use it! I bet your sponsor has suggested that you call him or some one before you drink and not after! LOL

Perhaps rehab may be in order for you, it is a jump start, coming back is harder every time, so doing more then done last time may be in order.


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