Rock Bottom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 3
Rock Bottom
This morning at 3am I was laying in bed trembling. My heart is pounding, my mind is racing, my soul is screaming. I’ve stopped praying and begun begging. Begging God to come down and enter me, kill the demons, and let me live in peace. I’m tired and broken.
I’m 31 years old, and I’ve been an alcoholic for 13 years. Almost half my life I’ve spent filling my idle time either drunk, getting drunk, planning to get drunk, or regretting my recent drunken binge. It’s always on my mind, always. Somehow, in those 13 years, I’ve also gone to college and graduated high in my class, got a good job, married my highschool sweet heart, had a kid, and have another one on the way. I’m truly blessed in what I’ve been given, yet I’m throwing it all away.
I love my life. I love my wife. I love my son. I would die for them if I had to, no question about it. But that doesn’t make me a good husband or dad which is what I want more than anything. Some people say that alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they can begin recovery. Well I’m laying here tired and broken, realizing that I have failed to do the one thing I say I want the most, to be a great husband and father. This is my rock bottom.
It’s November 1st, 2009. The time changed about an hour ago for daylight savings. I’m wondering, if the time can change just like that, can I?
I’m 31 years old, and I’ve been an alcoholic for 13 years. Almost half my life I’ve spent filling my idle time either drunk, getting drunk, planning to get drunk, or regretting my recent drunken binge. It’s always on my mind, always. Somehow, in those 13 years, I’ve also gone to college and graduated high in my class, got a good job, married my highschool sweet heart, had a kid, and have another one on the way. I’m truly blessed in what I’ve been given, yet I’m throwing it all away.
I love my life. I love my wife. I love my son. I would die for them if I had to, no question about it. But that doesn’t make me a good husband or dad which is what I want more than anything. Some people say that alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they can begin recovery. Well I’m laying here tired and broken, realizing that I have failed to do the one thing I say I want the most, to be a great husband and father. This is my rock bottom.
It’s November 1st, 2009. The time changed about an hour ago for daylight savings. I’m wondering, if the time can change just like that, can I?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 133
Congrats on your decision 365reasons!! I wish it was as easy as the time change too, but it takes a lot of hard work. You can do it! There are many people here on SR who have done it and give great advise and encouragement to those of us who are just starting. I'm working on Day 6 and feel so much better already. Keep coming back.
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
Hi 365 and welcome!
I am glad you are here, recovery is a great place to be and today is a great day to start. I am not going to lie, it may not be easy at first, but if you are truly ready to live the life you deserve, you will make it. It sounds like you have a great family, it will be awesome for you to be able to enjoy them to the fullest, and it will be truly wonderful for them to have the husband and father they deserve. We are all here for you, and I look forward to reading your posts.
Cathy
I am glad you are here, recovery is a great place to be and today is a great day to start. I am not going to lie, it may not be easy at first, but if you are truly ready to live the life you deserve, you will make it. It sounds like you have a great family, it will be awesome for you to be able to enjoy them to the fullest, and it will be truly wonderful for them to have the husband and father they deserve. We are all here for you, and I look forward to reading your posts.
Cathy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hello 365 and welcome to sr.i remember feeling just like you described only 9 months ago.bewildered and lost.i knew things had to change but i didnt know how,i was beat.i had tried many times to stop drinking on my own to no avail,i swore off many times.even my daughter going to live with my sister 4 years ago didnt stop me.so,i knew i couldnt do this on my own.i had a brief spell in AA when my daughter went but it wasnt to be.i wasnt ready.so i got my sorry a$$ back there at the begining of this year,got a sponsor and got on the 12 steps.my life has changed beyond recognition in a very short time.i have no cravings for alcohol and very rarely think about it.the problem has been removed.there are many other recovery programmes and lots of support and advice here at sr which is a tool in my tool box i am very grateful for.it is very difficult for us to ask for help,we spend most of our life putting on a facade and telling everybody we are "fine",well it sounds like you have come to the end of your rope,reach out and ask for help,you have already made a good start coming here.i find face to face invaluable though.i wish you well.
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