er pot...kettle
jimbo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: london berks England
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by stone 
So now you have turned it around from not liking it, to she may drag you back into it? she is damaging your recovery?
It still sounds like BS to me. Poor you, you GF got drunk! Oh no!
Because you can't, she shouldn't?
It still sounds like BS to me. Poor you, you GF got drunk! Oh no!
Because you can't, she shouldn't?
she can get drunk if she wants to ,i'll just stay at my place away from it all
its my choice not to drink and be around drunks
a few people had a laugh which was the main theme in the thread eg trucker shame you have nothing better to do than try to have a dig for no reason have a nice day
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Originally Posted by baldjim
nope not poor me at all i'm doing great with my not drinking
she can get drunk if she wants to ,i'll just stay at my place away from it all
its my choice not to drink and be around drunks
a few people had a laugh which was the main theme in the thread eg trucker shame you have nothing better to do than try to have a dig for no reason have a nice day
she can get drunk if she wants to ,i'll just stay at my place away from it all
its my choice not to drink and be around drunks
a few people had a laugh which was the main theme in the thread eg trucker shame you have nothing better to do than try to have a dig for no reason have a nice day
You started the thread, you had a point? The point was to have a laugh at your own thoughts? Pot and kettle? Fair enough. I see it.
As the thread went on I lost that.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Part of my sobriety is not being around drunk people
that is absolutely not my experience, and whenever I've ignored that and brought myself into extended contact with practicing alcoholics I've paid dearly for such stupidity, I can go years and years without having to deal with drunk people, outside of an occasional "wet one" at a meeting and have done so.
I can't remember the last time I slept with a drunk person, I can actually, some years ago, it's F'ing gross
It's not about being judgmental, it's about making healthy choices, and practicing alcoholics are mentally ill with what is quite frankly a contagious mental illness, hence the program of Alanon, which I now have some experience in for the very reason I thought I could interact with a drunken family and get an alcoholic GF and not get sick myself.
One of the things that happens as we get sober is unhealthy people cease being attractive to us, it amuses me some people find that threatening in this thread
This is the very reason sponsorship becomes so important, so we can learn to have healthy relationships, unconditional love, and clinical detachment, and quite frankly "My part is I f**k the sick" hasn't been on my fourth step in 16 years
Jim, you are right where you are supposed to be man
I don't think any of us can avoid 'drunks' Jim
I can't remember the last time I slept with a drunk person, I can actually, some years ago, it's F'ing gross
It's not about being judgmental, it's about making healthy choices, and practicing alcoholics are mentally ill with what is quite frankly a contagious mental illness, hence the program of Alanon, which I now have some experience in for the very reason I thought I could interact with a drunken family and get an alcoholic GF and not get sick myself.
One of the things that happens as we get sober is unhealthy people cease being attractive to us, it amuses me some people find that threatening in this thread
This is the very reason sponsorship becomes so important, so we can learn to have healthy relationships, unconditional love, and clinical detachment, and quite frankly "My part is I f**k the sick" hasn't been on my fourth step in 16 years
Jim, you are right where you are supposed to be man
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: north yorkshire, england
Posts: 1,891
I don't find it threatening I absolutely agree, being around, and especially being with, someone who is drunk is gross.
However I also have never turned on someone who put up with my drunken crap because they had a drunken night.
Yes I am sober now but you know what that doesn't make me perfect and I try to give others the same kind of support and understanding that I was given.
The idea of becoming some kind of alcohol policewoman, just because I don't drink anymore is repellant.
What I do is down to me, what others do is their own choice, I can and do care but the idea of judging is plainly wrong.
However I also have never turned on someone who put up with my drunken crap because they had a drunken night.
Yes I am sober now but you know what that doesn't make me perfect and I try to give others the same kind of support and understanding that I was given.
The idea of becoming some kind of alcohol policewoman, just because I don't drink anymore is repellant.
What I do is down to me, what others do is their own choice, I can and do care but the idea of judging is plainly wrong.
jimbo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: london berks England
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by allport
I don't find it threatening I absolutely agree, being around, and especially being with, someone who is drunk is gross.
However I also have never turned on someone who put up with my drunken crap because they had a drunken night.
Yes I am sober now but you know what that doesn't make me perfect and I try to give others the same kind of support and understanding that I was given.
The idea of becoming some kind of alcohol policewoman, just because I don't drink anymore is repellant.
What I do is down to me, what others do is their own choice, I can and do care but the idea of judging is plainly wrong.
However I also have never turned on someone who put up with my drunken crap because they had a drunken night.
Yes I am sober now but you know what that doesn't make me perfect and I try to give others the same kind of support and understanding that I was given.
The idea of becoming some kind of alcohol policewoman, just because I don't drink anymore is repellant.
What I do is down to me, what others do is their own choice, I can and do care but the idea of judging is plainly wrong.
we talked late last night
and i asked this
if you had to give up drinking for health reasons and there was no way you could drink ,we you be with me if i did
her answer was NO i would not be with you
i then asked if i had gone clubbing and gotten very drank and you had been in a car waiting outside for me honestly what would of happened
she said ,i would not of waited for on and i would not of even let you in the house and probably finished with you
i have not even had a cross word with her over this episode ,i know if i everwent out drinking and she could not i would get about 50 texts saying what an ahole i was ,not to come home ,if i did not then ,my clothes etc would of been thrown out of an upstairs window and i would have to pick them up all wet and dirty in front of the nieghbours ...nice and if i had been stupid enough to knock on the door she is very fiery the threat of her being violent was very real ,not that i was scared i'm 250 pounds and i used to thai box but the unpleasentness of it all would upset me
the whole thread was about how i felt
not wanting to be judged on how controlling i was which by the way i'm not but my partner would of gone ape if i had done it
some people understood what i was trying to say and said the stuff i wanted to hear others turned it into an attack ???
if some people can stop drinking and live with partners coming home drunk and tasting of drink then good luck ,to be honest if my partner wants to drink then it is her choice but i will stay at my place till she is sober again
its my choice not to drink and its my choice not to be around drunks ,if that makes me a bad preson then i'm a bad person but i'm a sober getting healthier bad person and i can live with that ...pun intended
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hey man!
Lots of opinions, but at the end of the day be aware that it is the shadow of your old behaviour creeping up on you through your partner's actions and you don't like it, plain and simple...because that is not what you want to be doing anymore and you don't like it.
As for the not having a leg to stand on crap, you chose to drink, she chose to stay and be part of that life, you are now choosing not to drink now she can choose to be part of that life...or not...simple as:-)
Lots of opinions, but at the end of the day be aware that it is the shadow of your old behaviour creeping up on you through your partner's actions and you don't like it, plain and simple...because that is not what you want to be doing anymore and you don't like it.
As for the not having a leg to stand on crap, you chose to drink, she chose to stay and be part of that life, you are now choosing not to drink now she can choose to be part of that life...or not...simple as:-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: north yorkshire, england
Posts: 1,891
What bothers me about the tone of this conversation (and many others on SR) is the me me me vibe.
This isn't a dig at you Jim, its just a comment.
When we are drinking its all about us, our drinking comes first, what we want to do is all important, so when we get sober and want to change why is it still acceptable to still make it all about us.
My sobriety comes before anything, my feelings come before anything, surely the change in our habits should also be matched by a change in our attitude.
Self obsession is never a good quality.
This isn't a dig at you Jim, its just a comment.
When we are drinking its all about us, our drinking comes first, what we want to do is all important, so when we get sober and want to change why is it still acceptable to still make it all about us.
My sobriety comes before anything, my feelings come before anything, surely the change in our habits should also be matched by a change in our attitude.
Self obsession is never a good quality.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Lets all step back for a moment and consider an important issue here. (sounds of littlefish digging in her pockets....for speech number 72 and 1/2...)
It is not easy for our partners when we sober up.
We often think that it will be wonderful for them, but, don't forget that in many cases, they fell in love with the alcoholic.
My husband loved my spontaneous nature, my adventurous side, and yes, a lot of the spontinaity and adventure was fueled by alcohol. He didn't see it that way, nor did I. I didn't know I was already on the long and hellish road to chronic alcoholism when we met, neither did he.
It is hard for our partners because we often become a new person they don't recognise. I am much more quiet, less outgoing and reserved than I used to be. Sure, I think he misses the funny, crazy person. I wasn't a mean drunk, I was silly and loved to crack jokes when I drank. That made it all the more dangerous, in retrospect. It is easier for people to live with the funny drunk than the mean one.
Try to give it some time. As I mentioned in a previous post, my husband has cut down a lot. With no pressure from me. And, the irony is that he has cut back to the kind of drinking he did when we met. As my drinking increased, so did his.
I know a lot of folks here have mentioned not being able to live with someone who drinks. What if I had bailed right after I got sober, before I would stay long enough to witness this big change in his drinking habits, (for the better)?
It is not easy for our partners when we sober up.
We often think that it will be wonderful for them, but, don't forget that in many cases, they fell in love with the alcoholic.
My husband loved my spontaneous nature, my adventurous side, and yes, a lot of the spontinaity and adventure was fueled by alcohol. He didn't see it that way, nor did I. I didn't know I was already on the long and hellish road to chronic alcoholism when we met, neither did he.
It is hard for our partners because we often become a new person they don't recognise. I am much more quiet, less outgoing and reserved than I used to be. Sure, I think he misses the funny, crazy person. I wasn't a mean drunk, I was silly and loved to crack jokes when I drank. That made it all the more dangerous, in retrospect. It is easier for people to live with the funny drunk than the mean one.
Try to give it some time. As I mentioned in a previous post, my husband has cut down a lot. With no pressure from me. And, the irony is that he has cut back to the kind of drinking he did when we met. As my drinking increased, so did his.
I know a lot of folks here have mentioned not being able to live with someone who drinks. What if I had bailed right after I got sober, before I would stay long enough to witness this big change in his drinking habits, (for the better)?
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Originally Posted by baldjim
thats why i love your post you speak witha clarity of thought that somehow eludes me 
who is that in your avater she looks like someone famouse but i cant place her face ???
who is that in your avater she looks like someone famouse but i cant place her face ???
Well thank you for thinking I look so famous *blush* That's ME ya big dork
And back to the topic.. I don't think it is selfish or egocentric to reconfigure boundaries about what/who you want in your life. As we get and stay sober, it is a life change.. and different things become important or necessary that might not have been before. I didn't read most of the posts that started any type of an attack, but my extra 2 cents here is just that you are a new person, with new goals and priorities. If who you are with doesn't fit within those, or is toxic to your wellbeing.. it's your choice whether you accept it or not. Like I said before, just because you went out and got stupid a bunch of times when drinking, there's no virtual bank account here that she or anyone in your life can make withdrawals from because you "owe" back something.. Your life, your choice, your wellbeing. That's all I have to say bout that
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 232
Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet
One of my problems I couldn't get past, was that every time he got THAT drunk, he repulsed me. Straight up turn off!
True, that. It's just disgusting. I think I see the things I hate the most about myself in others. In fact, if someone is really getting on my nerves, I know it's time to look inside. And maybe that's all this is.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
you are a new person, with new goals and priorities. If who you are with doesn't fit within those, or is toxic to your wellbeing.. it's your choice whether you accept it or not. Like I said before, just because you went out and got stupid a bunch of times when drinking, there's no virtual bank account here that she or anyone in your life can make withdrawals from because you "owe" back something.. Your life, your choice, your wellbeing. That's all I have to say bout that
quoted for truth
It's permissible to move slowly, it's permissible to learn what your new boundaries are, I have dated "normal drinkers" in sobriety, quite frankly they never pulled those kinds of stunts, but "no drinking" isn't one of my boundaries, no practicing alcoholism is, but personally I think that's an incredibly important point Smacked made about the "Guilt Bank Account" that we beat ourselves up with and others use to manipulate us with.
"There but for the grace of God go I" is a statement I can make with utter truthfulness, but so is "but not anymore"
Making the hard decisions about health is healthy, sometimes making the necessary decisions to remain healthy may look selfish, but the first thing they taught me as a fireman/paramedic was my safety was priority one, that I couldn't save anyone else if I were dead or injured, to keep myself safe so I could help others.
It's not about being a sober policeman, if it happens once, no biggie, twice, deep thought, three times buh bye, it's that simple, that's called a boundary and those are healthy
That may appear to look like "me me me" but quite frankly when it comes to myself, my wellbeing, and my sobriety I don't care how it looks, the only peoples opinion who matters to me is my support group, and then it's "Is this a healthy decision or not" and quite frankly I go to people with long term sobriety with those important issues, not a gaggle of new people, I already know how to do high drama and squabble.
I will cut cancerous deadwood unhealthy people out of my life without batting my eye, I have done so and it's never been a wrong decision, I have also allowed people like that to remain in my life for far too long on occasion for those times I prefer to learn the lesson the hard painful way, i have also learned how to have limited contact with boundaries those unhealthy people I couldn't walk away from such as family/coworkers/employers.
putting the plug in the jug is actually only a small part of sobriety, learning how to navigate things like this is the lions share IMO
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
Somehow recovery people love to beat up people in recovery.
I think you are doing OKAY with this and to me you have voiced your irritation and used SR as a tool to help you. IT IS NOT WHINGING online it's a tool to use. And if a person can't gripe about something that is nagging at them on a recovery forum then what the heck is this recovery forum for anyway. Some are sicker than others to call BS on that. And I am not going to point at names or use quotes, you know who you are.
With that rant over.......... BALDJIM you rock. I admire you. I hope it all gets worked out.
I think you are doing OKAY with this and to me you have voiced your irritation and used SR as a tool to help you. IT IS NOT WHINGING online it's a tool to use. And if a person can't gripe about something that is nagging at them on a recovery forum then what the heck is this recovery forum for anyway. Some are sicker than others to call BS on that. And I am not going to point at names or use quotes, you know who you are.
With that rant over.......... BALDJIM you rock. I admire you. I hope it all gets worked out.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
Ago,Smacked and Meditation couldnt have put it any better Jim! nothing to add to what they have said,,,ALL of it.keep doing what your doing Jim,what is it you have now? about 5 months continous sobriety? good for you.
Love my puppies
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: lala land
Posts: 150
Just a thought. While you were the drunk coming home all the time wasted, puking, laying in bed sick all day, she made the choice to stay...she was your enabler. Now it's your choice...do you want to be an enabler back? You can make excuses for her, and put your blinders on...but is that the way you want to live? I've lived both lives...that of the user, and that of the enabler. I decided to keep myself away from it when I got clean, and hubby knew that if there was any smell of alcohol or signs of drug use, he was not welcome to come home. I stopped making excuses for him, and if people asked, I'd tell them...man, that really pissed him off, so I told him if he didn't like it, then he should stop. He ended up dying from what I believe was too many years of abuse to his body that didn't stop til the day he died. I chose to live, and the only way I could do that was to stop the insanity...IMHO.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by baldjim
i have been much much worse but i cant stand it.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
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Jim...this has been quite an interesting thread. I admire your courage to post your feelings and to be honest am shocked by some of the replies. I think honesty is paramount when speaking with your gf and I am sure you will be able to resolve this issue in short order. In addition I expect that those who called you names will be making amends to you quite soon less they want to be viewed as hypocrites. Oh yeah...one more thing...I only take relationship advise from people who have successfully maintained one apart from their computer. Best of luck!
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