Funny How it Feels So Nice...
 

I apologize greatly if I have not introduced myself properly as told in the rules of this forum, But please understand, I have been trying to find someone to talk to for months. All I have found is interactive therapists. I feel at the end of my so called rope.
I promise you, I will introduce myself better in the morning, but not tonight.
I think I might have a problem, A drinking problem. Im not sure and I dont want to hear about the twelve step deal. I just want someone to be on my level and understand mostly.
Its very funny how it feels so nice to drink. I dont want that to go away, But the issue is, I drink like clockwork, I set myself rules, I do a lot that I shouldn't. I think I might need help and I dont know where to get it. I have been to therapists, been on medications, been to and on this and that. I have never tried this approach, I wouldn't have thought of it unless I was drinking at the moment. Of which I have had a few... You must understand that the only way I can think clearly and rationally is when I have a drink. Thats wrong. I think I need help... Im not an alcoholic... Before you roll your eyes, please listen to me... I think I might be drinking for the wrong reasons and I want it stop so bad it hurts, My body is taking its toll and it hurts. I have a family and the only way I think I can function to everyone's happiness is when I have a couple. I come to you tonight in desperation, Im so tired I cant sleep. I haven't been able to in months. I feel like Im screaming inside but cant be heard,, noone knows, I hide it very well... I am not sure if Im even writing in the right forum. Im so sorry, I just think I want help. I have so much built up, I am so stressed, Im so afraid... Please
Tanya

Hi Tanya, welcome to SR :wavey:

You're in the right place, and I think you introduced yourself just fine.

Personally, I don't care about labels, so call yourself what you want to. "Tanya" works, really. Or "Firemama." Nobody said you have be called "alcoholic."

You want to get help... but what exactly can we help you with? (I just wasn't clear, I'm sorry.) We're very helpful around here... or try to be at least. :)

Read & post... there are others here going through what you are going through, and a lot of it resonates with what I went through. Stay around some & I hope you get out of it what you need....

Take care,
-TB

Welcome Tanya. There are lots of us here who have been where you are. Stick around, keep reading, keep posting. If you decide you want to try and quit, you will find loads information and support on these forums.

Hi Tanya

The great thing about SR is we've all been where you are - I *needed* to drink, it was how I functioned.

2 and a half years later I've found a different reality...

I don't drink at all and I function just fine - far far better to tell you the truth - and I'm a far happier, healthier and a more whole me.

I don't expect you to take anything I say on face value - just read around, post as much as you like...that's how I came to believe that maybe I was fooling myself a little, and that I came here, and stayed here, because I wanted what these guys had.

Hope to see you around some more Tanya :)
D

Your posts have made me cry, I think I might have found something I've been looking for. I cant believe this... I feel like I have failed so bad and I do nothing but cry... Pathetic it seems to me. It is well past 1 a.m. here and I need to try and sleep. Again for another night. I cant wait to post and tell ya'll more, I am very overwhelmed at the moment. Very much so. Wow.
I will talk tomorrow. I think I need to be sober to talk... You wouldn't want me talking at the moment. Thank you ever so much, Wow, thank you so much...
Until tomorrow,
Tanya, (Thank you for not putting me in a "group", for calling me my real name)...

Rest easy Tanya :)
See you tomorrow :wave:

D

Take some time and look around this site, you'll find that lots of us have been where you are now. You're not alone, and things can get better - you can make them better even if you don't feel that way right now. See you around :rotate:

Whether you are an 'alcoholic' or not, if drinking is causing you problems, why not stop for 30 days and see how you feel. You may also want to have an honest talk with your doctor about quitting drinking. Detox from alcohol can be dangerous, best to be safe when withdrawing.

Welcome to SR!

:ghug3 Welcome Tanya!

I see myself in your post. I am back to day one again. I know how you feel. Everyone here has been great and very supportive. I hope you to see you around.

take care

to tanya
 

Tanya,

I so identify with your post being a newcomer here also, stick around you can get so much good from s/r. This is a place that can help you. Hope you got some sleep.
jeff

Good morning Tanya,
When you're ready to talk, we're here.
There's lots to read here too. Keep posting.

Good morning everyone and thank you for your recent posts, As I said in my first post, I hide everything very well. Almost too well actually.
That being said, I need to get ready for church, I feel like I live two seperate lives, I then need to wait until later to write, I dont want my husband to see. I will be on around 4-5 tonight. I need to get ready though.

Welcome Tanya.....:wavey:
Enjoy the church services
Blessings to you and your family

:welcome

Tanya,

I am on day 7 sober, so I have no wisdom to impart (others do though). All I can say is that 3 weeks ago I would have sworn on my life I didn't have a problem. Then two weeks ago, I would have said, maybe I have a little problem. Then I found SR. And I started writing down my behavior in posts. The more I wrote, the worse it looked. And I began reading posts and found so much of my own behavior reflected in the behavior of others here. And somehow, actions that I had accepted as normal in myself seemed shocking when described by someone else. You are a unique person, so you won't find someone else EXACTLY like you, but you might find that most of your actions and thoughts have been used by others on this forum. I can only suggest you read as much as possible and see if that experience is as helpful to you as it has been to me.

I too, have been leading a secret life. Not one person but me knows I have a problem yet. But if your friends and family knew how much you really drank, what would they say? Mine would be horrified. I too, also, have yet to say the A word. Its still big mental block for me. Right now, I'm saying I'm not drinking. But I'm making progress and I might reach that someday.

Best of luck Tayna. You'll be amazed at how kind and helpful the people on this forum will be.

Welcome to SR, Tanya! I'm glad you're here..I think you'll find this place really helpful...I know I have. Looking forward to getting to know you better! :hug:

Welcome Tanya!

Meeting Makers make it!!!

Tanya, welcome.

I don't care for labels either, or for programs to be stuffed down my throat.

You've found a great place here.. lots of people have quit drinking, and have stayed quit, using all kinds of different approaches, of course including AA but a lot of the other things you've tried too like counseling (that's what I did), rehab, outpatient rehab, other types of meetings, etc. Stick around, if anything else you'll feel at home in a 'community' of folks that know how you feel and have been very close to where you've been.

I thought I could think clearer when I was drinking.. but later realized it was those first few drinks that were easing my withdrawal, and making me feel better.

I also lived 2 seperate lives, full of dishonesty, hiding, pretending, fake and fragile smiles, and lots of nights passed out instead of getting the rest my body so craved.

I can't imaging living that way again, it was pure hell. I had to get to a point to where I would do ANYTHING to get/stay sober, and I tried it all. I did every single thing I could think of, besides continue to drink. Therapy, books, and yes.. even meetings. I don't use meetings in my recovery, I found other things that matched my world view a bit better.

I guess my long winded point is, I'm glad you're here.. you really don't have to live the way you are. You can live with energy, honesty, and without dependence on a chemical that fools you into thinking you need it to function better than you really know how (sneaky little devil!), if you're willing to put as much energy as you've been putting into your drinking/hiding/lying/etc... (which I'm sure is a TON!).

Ok :) Welcome!

Finally, I sit down... My husband is at choir. Im very sorry to sound so deceiving towards my family but I don’t know what else to do. I’m embarrassed by my actions, holy crap, Im a Baptist (lol, sorry that was low)
Anyway, Today is not my day to drink, so I am completely sober at the moment; See here is my reasoning for not thinking I’m an alcoholic... I don’t get hangovers, I can drink half a 60 of whiskey and I feel like I’m on speed. I can clean, cook, do the extra's and play a little dress up with my hubby when its time for Bed. He is what you would call a "Good drinker", he'll have a "Scotch and a cigar" then be done with it. I don’t hide my bottles, even though there has been sometimes where I drank a little more than I wanted him to see, So I filled the bottle up with water. I cannot drink wine, it pisses me off, I need my whiskey. I buy a small (750ml) bottle, and while buying it, I think okay this is "Two good nights". So I get fed up with it and buy a 60.
My point being is that I used to do drugs, I have a very addictive behavior, I loved speed, I could do anything and be sexy. Well I have two children, drugs are not even, absolutely no, How stupid I was. It killed me that day when I was woken up by a doctor’s phone call saying I couldn't take the deprakote meds, (whole other story) because my pregnancy test was positive. I did drugs and drank; I fell in a corner balling thinking I killed my precious baby girl (well didn’t know she was a girl then). After I had my first, I went through some postpartum, but knew if I were to drink I would do it for the wrong reasons, Well it only took about a month of thinking that way, Then I didn't care. I drank for 2 years, kind of off and on, no big deal. I then got another positive pregnancy test, we tried for several months but I still drank and smoked, What that little plus sign came, I quit smoking and drinking immediately. I started to social drink 3 months after my son was born, Now, Its clockwork (He is 10 months old).
I have rules though, never will I ever get fall down drunk, The kind of whiskey I drink gives you more of a high than a vodka drunk... Know what I mean..? I have never and will never pass out; My kids need to be in bed asleep.
Well, here’s the thing, I now drink every other day, That second day will come and in the morning I don’t feel like it, I tell myself no, then something, anything, a phone call, My son wont quite go to sleep because he's spoiled and wants mama constantly, I get them to sleep, and oh Lord help me, it will be 2 or 3 in the afternoon and I pour one. Then I say, I'll only drink 3 the whole night, well about 12 triple shots later, I’m cleaning, cooking and doing fun little crafts with my kids, I dress up sexy for my husband, and we all have a good night.
This isn't the worst of my actions, I was talking to another man and wanted to just have fun, I was too scared, but I feel like I’m held captive here, I take care of kids all day, I keep my house so clean, I cook real actual dinners that take almost all day... my husband walks in and tells me he's going to his boss's for a cigar and a drink and goodbye. He walks in when I’m in high heels and pearls, He stays. I get what I need from this other man, He tells me the world, even though I know its full of crap. If my husband would do just one thing wrong, I would be gone. But he hasn't done anything, He loves me so much and I know it. I want to be young, I want to feel sexy, I have had a couple kids that drive me so beyond crazy that I just want to lose it. I like the person I am when I drink, I feel like the old me and I don’t want to quit!
I just started not keeping up with my rules, I know drink until I throw up. I wish I was to get a hangover; it might cure me of drinking. I have talked to doctors, they have put me on pills so that I wouldn't crave the alcohol, or make me sick when I drink some,... Well they didn't work, I drank right through them.
Tomorrow I know, I'll be drinking. Early. I set myself a rule though to never drink in the morning! It has to be past 12. Naptime. My husband is driving me nuts. I cant get away, I don’t have a license, Im very scared of other people on the road, The kids now, are just amazing, texting on the their phones while speeding. I have children, I cant drive scared.
Its hard to get a babysitter for two kids, one 10 months, one 4 years. They are a handful. We don’t have friends because Im not very social, neither is my husband. We go out maybe once a year. All I do is think about the kids... Im looking for something, I feel like Im held up in this place, even though I love it, Im stressed.
Im so tired, Physically, I am so tired, emotionally Im exhausted. I'm breaking my rules and I feel bad. I feel bad because once again, I've let myself down. I have drank now every other day for months on end and I hide it very well. My husband thinks I have one, not half a bottle. I feel bad. What do you think of me now?
You have written on this thread to me, and I want to reply to every single one, because I feel it and it hurts. Problem is, I might actually have a problem, But the bigger problem is, I dont want it to stop. Im superwoman when I drink. Good mother and sexy wife. Thats all I want to be.
Thanks for listening...
Tanya