Valleyd

They say "don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens", so I've been hanging in there. I've been talking with my sponsor, reading meditations, attending meetings both face to face and online, praying, working steps, went through an outpatient treatment program, got counseling...been trying like hell to STAY clean this time. I've been around and around with relapse and recovery for years. I'll be honest, I never wanted to be clean...not really! I LOVE being high more than anything in the world. It is what makes me feel complete. But everytime I got back out I get into serious trouble and end up doing things I would never ordinarily do if I were in my right mind. So, its the consequences that always bring me back to try recovery again. I'm nine months clean and I feel like I'm just "existing"...I miss feeling joyous and alive and bubbly and spontaneous and even living life a little on the dangerous side. I sit here with my dying roommate and no license and no job day after day and its wearing thin. Really thin. I'm really, really close to making a call for someone to come and get me outta here and go get my buzz on.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Wish there was some way to convince you that what they tell you is true.

You still seem convinced that being clean/sober is not the path you want to choose, for whatever reason.

I wish you well.

Mark75

The miracle doesn't just happen, you can't be sitting around your room, no license, no job, wishing you had your "buzz on" and expect the miracle to ring your doorbell.

Welcome to SR... Hope you don't mind a little tough love. I know exactly how you feel. Many of us have been right where you are, so I hope you don't think I'm preaching on high...

Instead of calling someone to get your buzz on, call a sober friend.... go for some coffee, take a walk...

You gotta work it, but mostly you gotta want it.

Mark

sailorjohn

Damn, sorry I missed this, but if you don't want it, pointless for me to even comment.

One of the other parts of the promises- if you want what we have-which, as you wrote, you don't want.

Good luck.

miamifella

Someone very wise told me that you can't get clean until you find something you love more than getting high.

For many people it is the feeling they get from helping others. For others, it is creative expression. Or family. Or sports. Or nature. Or religion. Or even making money.

I suggest looking for things other than using drugs that give you the same feeling of spontineity and completeness that drugs do. What has given you that feeling -- or anything near it--other than drugs in the past?

Volunteer work, classes, time with people who share the same interest, might help once you figure out what areas bring you joy and meaning.

Getting clean for the sake of getting clean is not enough to sustain you over the long haul. Getting clean for the sake of something that brings meaning and joy to your life, I think, can.

It is hard to say what to suggest, but I think you need to find those things that can motivate your recovery.

It sounds like 12-step programs are providing a solid structure for your recovery. But what do you want that structure to support? You are just using it to stay clean--but maybe it can support a fuller life?

So what things do you like (other than drugs)?

Believe808

Being sober, you are able to sit there and be a friend to your dying roommate, when using I didn't give a sh*t about anyone but my getting high, not even my own kids. And the no job thing, just give it time, I felt the same way, I did not work the first 11 months of my sobriety, couldn't find a job, had no money for my mortgage or even food, but I held on, I held on for dear life, because I just knew that it had to get better, I used that time to get to more meetings, I reached out and helped others suffering, I got to work a great program and I continue to do the same things today and you know what, it has, I celebrated a year in September, my kids gave me my one year coin and I finally found a job. Do I still have problems, yes I do, real problems, but I am sober and really grateful to be sober. I will keep hanging in here, because I know there will be many more miracles to come if I stay sober and work my program. The first miracle I received was not having the urge or obsession to get high or drunk. So you see you have experienced miracles too, keep your eyes open and you will see them.

Anna

I agree, the miracle doesn't 'just happen'.

It takes work and changing one's life, to make it happen.

We are responsible for making the miracle happen in our lives.

And, there's no doubt in my mind, that you need to REALLY sobriety, for it to work.

Lionne

Hi Valleyd,
If you feel complete while using and incomplete if you don't, have you ever found out why you feel this way? Maybe if you investigate what can be done against the reason for the lack of completeness, other options "than getting your buzz on" will arise, maybe there are some changes that you can make that help you. If necessary, don't be afraid to look for support to do so.

Miamifella's sugesstion of volunteering for example is also a good idea, it keeps you occupied a bit. Especially if you are confronted with unemployment, it might help reducing the feeling of perspectivelessness if you try having some daily routine that structures your day a bit.

vegibean

valley -- "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly". Unfortunately that's the way it is. I know EXACTLY where you're at right now. If you go out, you're going to be going backwards. JMO. I don't know how many times I had a yelling match in my head about that whole "wait five minutes for the miracle.........." for some of us it's A LOT LONGER!!!!!! All I can tell you is that if you just work your way through this tomorrow will be a better day. I can't tell you how long it was that I had to kick my @ss to just get up and get through the day. It's going to be worth it, it gets better and that I PROMISE YOU!!!!!!

My suggestion? Take some time to get quiet and have a nice gentle talk with yourself. Give yourself a break. Life is going to happen, it's going to suck, that's the way it goes........but I promise, promise, promise.......IT WILL GET BETTER!!!!! :ghug3

joedris

Valley, It's tough when you cherish the highs of using without acknowledging the consequences. As you said, you always get into trouble and end up doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do. So you have to choose here, shall you go out and get high thus throw away nine months of being clean, at the same time going back to that wonderful life of getting into trouble and doing stupid things? Do you really want to go back to that? Is the short term satisfaction going to be worth the long term pain? Or should you cope with what life's throwing at you right now, but staying clean while you do so. If nothing else is going right for you at this moment, you have one thing that many other people are lacking. You have your self-respect. You are dealing with things that would easily cause others to give in. You haven't. You're fighting. And for that you can feel some well deserved pride. Is the buzz worth losing that ? You're waiting for the miracle? I think that it's happening. Slowly and in little baby steps, but it's happening.

NEOMARXIST

Thanks for that post Joedris... I also needed some inspiration tonight and you provided me with some. Thankyou.

louis

Hi there and welcome to SR

I waited so long for this miracle to happen that i missed it...
It was in every sober/clean day i take...
Cos for me to be sober more than two days on the trot is a miracle in itself...

I dont look for 'THE MIRACLE' now... cos there isnt just one... there are many small one each day...

A miracle is opening my eyes in the morning without regret of what happened the night before....
A miracle is getting to my work on time...
A miracle is not having hullicinations anymore when i was coming down off whatever..
A miracle is i can pay my bills and in doing so hold my head up high...
A miracle is I AM HERE!!!

Seriously... we spend so much time looking for what we dont have that we miss all the good things that we do have in our lives....

Please take care and enjoy what you got... which is a second chance at life..

Bard

You know over the years I use to think along those same lines. I would be sober and all I could think of was how fun and cool it would be to get my drunk on. To knock back a bunch of cold ones, jam my tunes, call some friends over and have a ball. Then when I was drunk all I could think of is how I wish I was sober and could put my life together when I had way to much to drink, the music got old and those friends of mine never showed up. Eventually you have to theorize that no mater what being sober is and will always outweigh being drunk or high.

NEOMARXIST

I can relate to that Bard. I used to spend my sober days planning and getting excited about my next session and just kicking back listening to tunes and getting obliterated. I remember feeling really dissapointed and depressed throughout most of the session and keeping myself going by thinking about how I need to get sober again... really was becoming more and more of a let down and just too much trouble and bad-times compared to the ever increasingly short period of time where I felt "IT", whatever "it " is.

Doesn't mean I still don't have nostalgic thoughts about drinking/drugs though. especially tonight as i have just got Black Sabbath 1,2,3 on CD and Exit stage left by Rush, also. So just listening to them tonight and has brought back memories of drinking as I used to spend many,many,many hours listening to these records and just getting absolutely smashed. I have only been able to actually listen to my musicv again over the past 9 weeks or so as before that I didn;t like listening to my music as I just thought how much better it would be if I was smashed and listening to it. That was my ritual towards the last couple of years TBH, locking myself away and just listening to my music for days drinking and taking drugs. I never wanted to be anywhere else whilst I was on it but it all soon turned to Sh*t.

Ah well, nostalgia...


Peace and Love xxx

Creekryder

In my experience with life, miracles don't come to us. They are a direct result of us doing something. And what is the miracle you want? The wand coming down and "PRANG!" we're healed, forgiven, recovered, or whatever, just doesn't happen. We make a choice to what miracle we want happen. That's what happens in reality. It's the choices we make every moment that create our life's directions, and it requires a lot of work. You say you want to be high over staying clean. To make a choice like that requires you to take a deep reflection on the scenario that will result in that decision. Now look at the results of staying clean. Which one gives you life? Which one allows you to make correct future choices?

Think about it long and hard. Then make your choice. Only you can do it. Only you can choose the miracle. Your are in my thoughts.

Padraic

Dee74

Valleyd

I think it's fair to say your life is pretty tough right now, with your roommate and all...it's natural to feel a little down...but don't settle for that and don't fall for the romantic vision of the carefree life of the high - keep remembering those consequences.

I agree with everyone else here - sobriety takes work - and it's what we make it - when we feel life's empty? it's up to us to fix it.

Louis is absolutely right - there's joy and miracles to be found in even the darkest nights, if we attune ourselves to look for them.

There's some great ideas here, I hope you consider them, Valleyd.

D

coming_clean

action and reaction....miracles don't just come around....gotta work for it...

I relapse every once in a while....because i stop believing...the sober periods are the most intense, scary, painfull and beautifull periods of my life...

I gues life is all that,

Aysha

I totally get this. The excitement and the thrill of all of it. Has been what kept me using for 16 yrs. No care for myself, my family or anyone. Except who had the drugs.
I use to think it was a game and even thought it was amusing that I was on a first name basis with most cops in my town. Hearing my name over the scanner everyday, "Well guys, Trish is out again." Really not a good thing.
Reading your post really brought me back. But it also made me very grateful I am not in that place anymore. I have my moments tho.
For someone with that mind set and having 9 mos clean to me is really amazing tho. I do have to admit that. I have yet to get that far.
What miracle are you hoping for? I see it right there. Someone who loves getting high but yet has 9 mos clean.
I am busting my ass every way possible. And it isnt easy or fun alot of times. But it sure beats the hell out of where I was. I cant say now that getting high makes me feel complete. I use to feel exactly like that. I am sure we all did at one point.
But I agree. It doesnt just happen. And it doesnt happen when we want it to.
Again, I think that for someone who is thinking like you are and still has 9 mos. Something must be going right.
I really have no real advice. Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. All I can say is you dont have to do drugs to feel complete. Its just the easiest way. But very short lived with so many consequences.

Aysha

I have been thinking about this post since I read it earlier.
They keep saying wait for the miracle to happen. I do agree..We dont exactly know what that is. And it is different for everyone.
But if I were to say what mine was. I would have to say that I wasnt found in a gutter somewhere dead. So my miracle is that I am still here, healthy, willing, and able.
I could very easily be sitting by many people I know in a cemetary or locked up doing 10+ yrs on drug related charges.
So if there are more miracles. Than I can wait for them. Because the most important one has already happened.

CarolD

For me to find my recovery miracle....a psychic change was inperitive.
A shift into wanting to be sober more than I wanted to drink.
No more obcessing ...no more fighting.

By reading the final paragraph on page 43 in the book
Alcoholics Anonymous......I've kept that miracle expanding.


Maaybe your first miracle is that you are having clean
and sober time despite the fact you want the buzz?

Welcome back to SR...