firestorm090

I need to remember that every day, so I thought I'd post about it.

I made it through tonight without a drink, but it wasn't easy. The sick part is I thought several times about going out to drink. It's Friday night and that always meant drink till you can't drink any more. I'm amazed that I didn't drink tonight and am glad that I didn't.

I've literally tried to stop drinking for years. The hardest part for me is learning how to live sober. I know that AA has a program that works for thousands of people and I can quote the twelve steps, but I can't seem to live them. I'm always back at step one, and I admit I'm powerless over booze, and I'm a cranky, messed up jerk when I drink, and my life has suffered enormously due to my alcoholism, but yet when I get the urge, I'm off to the bar, to screw up my life again. The sad thing is that I actually have a good life, I just keep screwing it up. I don't have much room for complaint, but I complain nonetheless, my brother told me today that he wished he had half the gifts I have in my life today, and yet I still consider drinking. It's just sick stuff. It boggles my mind. I keep giving in to the urge to drink even when I don't want to drink. That's sick stuff too. I mean, I don't know how many times I've actually sat at the bar and was angry with myself for drinking, yet I didn't leave. I kept drinking. It's crazy, insane, just plain messed up. Sure, I get a few minutes of a buzz, but the depths of despair that come shortly thereafter are too deep for words, it's like cutting out my own heart and then stomping it into a heap of dust.

I know I'm really sick, I'm sick in my heart and in my soul. Alcohol does not ease the pain, but only adds to it. There must be a better way and I need to find it fast. Each day, each hour, each minute without a drink is truly a blessing for this ole drunk.

Thanks for helping me. Tomorrow I'm trying for day three........again. Man, this is wearing me out.

Dee74

I don't know what you need to keep you sober D but I hope you'll keep looking.

For now?

I remember sometimes all we can do is take it a day at a time and have a little bit of faith in those who keep telling you that things will get better - so long as you don't turn around and go back.

D

thirtybubba

I'm sick too.

Hang in there--somehow.

coming_clean

one day at a time....

í'm on day three now...just woke up from a terrible nightmare and my bed was alle soaked with sweat..

rondfw777

Firestorm! You hang in there man! Your on day 3 and I'm on week 3. I know the feeling at day 3,Thought I would be dead by day 7 and still not myself at all,but slowly getting better and it does get better. I hope you stay strong this round and just as I remind myself the hell I went thru everyday,just remember the cost and pain that you probably don't want to return too, I sure don't! I come this far and aint turning back.

Prayers and support to ya,

Ron

mxchaos

hang in there and take it one day at a time.
or a moment at a time
sober is hard work but well worth it

shaun00

i agree and know the feeling of drinking and not wanting to drink.
i agree it is totally insane............many times i had a resolve as big as a house.

only to drink again...........my huge resolve becoming a distant memory.
waking up with that feeling of dread and fear again...wondering how that happened.

it baffles our loved ones and it baffled me.......
then i read the doctors opinion and realized that maybe im not alone...
when i think about it that one word.."powerless".....sums up my drinking career.

its the main reason why i continued to read "alcoholics anonymous"...i got so much imformation from those letters for dr silkworth..

i enjoy your post..............thankyou.....its what i need to hear right now.

Sikkisirus

Best wishes to the day 3'ers, and all of ya

NewBeginning010

Still with ya FS, just don't pick up for one more day/today (break if off by hour or part of the day if you have to).

We are right here with you FS you can do this!

Take Care,

NB

least

I did the same thing as you, for months. I knew I had to stop but still found myself drinking and hating myself as I drank, but drinking anyway. I kept trying, and failing, and trying. And now I've got over three months. it was hard work but worth it. don't give up on yourself. You can do this.

traderjane

I had those same thoughts about myself. Those last few times I drank I felt so horrible and lost -- I just looked at myself in the mirror and said I am really and truly sick. Once I admitted that, I took the next step and said I didn't want to be sick anymore. Went to an AA meeting the next day. I haven't felt sick again since. Amazing how it all goes away if you stop drinking.

Anna

Firestorm,

I felt the same way you did, and I continued to poison myself.

I had to learn to begin to care about myself and love myself in order to stay sober.

Saphie

Firestorm,
we tend to dwell on the bad feelings. I know - just read my threads. Three days is great, Friday night without is fantastic. If you are going through physical withdrawal that's different and you might need medical help with that. The emotional withdrawal is what lasts and we need to find a way of counteracting that.
If it's that, how do you feel this morning? Clear minded? Wonderful. Don't need to throw up? Even better. Not feeling dizzy? Wow go and do something you wanted to do for a while even if it's real small. Now imagine what you could achieve feeling like this every morning and day. It's what keeps me going. The alternative for me is just too painful just like you said. Quick buzz and then spiral downwards. I don't want that life anymore.
Keep going. I'll be thinking of you just as I have been of Trucker and this morning of Dee.
Bless you all.

firestorm090

Thanks everyone. It's reassuring to read that others have felt the same way, it gives me hope that I may possibly be able to turn my life around.

That being said, day three is always the hardest for me. It's when I feel a bit better, and think I can do it differently this time. I can't. There is no more fun in drinking for me ever. I need to accept that, possibly mourn the change, then get on with learning to live without alcohol. I'm afraid of that, I feel like I'm letting go of the old me, the old drunk, and even though drinking has made my life miserable, it's been a well known pattern for so many years that I don't know what to expect otherwise. Truth is, I haven't had two months without alcohol in over six years, and drank heavily for twenty years prior to that, so for most of my adult life, I've been drunk, high, whatever. I'm afraid of sobriety, I need to admit that, and I'm afraid of drinking, I need to admit that too. So, I have to stay focused by the hour, I have to catch myself before the first drink, I have to accept that I ran out of fun drinking a long time ago. I don't really know how to have fun. Little kids, children, can have fun with a plastic car, or a Barbie doll, I'm a grown, 50 year old man qnd I don't know how to have fun any more. That's sad. I don't know how to have sober friends, I don't know how to relax and just be, I awake each day feeling like I'm a thousand days behind the rest of the world, so I'd better get busy catching up. I don't know how to accept myself as I am today, so I blot out my thoughts with booze. It doesn't work any more, and the thoughts scream at me to change, yet fear holds me hostage. Fear of the unknown keeps me stuck in my little, miserable rut and stops me from developing into a better person. Serenity is a word I've read about and heard thousands of times, but have never really felt. I wonder what it really feels like. Hopefully I will experience it one day.

Thanks for reading all of this. It's day three, I'm still fighting and I won't give up. I don't like being sad and down, so the booze just has to go. Fairwell old bottle.

mirage

Hi Firestorm...I hear what you're saying about not knowing how to do life without drinks. I can't remember a time when I did really. When you start drinking in high school and never stop, it's definitely just part of your life..but I'd like to think it's not part of who you are. I do think there's mourning...a friend of mine suggested I google the 5 stages of grief..anger, denial, etc....I think it does apply to mourning the loss of alcohol. I was bargaining the other day (stage 3).

I'm only on day 7, but I'm trying not to dwell too much on the loss..cuz really, it's not a loss, it just feels like one. It's just booze. Most people out there are livin their lives without ever even thinking about booze, let alone on a daily basis. That should be us...and we can get there.

firestorm090

Mirage, thanks for your reply. You're absolutely right, most people don't think about booze and I'm tired of it myself. I'm tired of being a drunk ,and want to live the remaining time I have without it. I want to move on. Booze is a real bore.

vegibean

Hey fire, I think that's great that you can rehearse the steps, but have you tried working them with a sponsor? Do I need to get my big iron skillet and bop you over the head with it? LOL!!!

firestorm090

HI vegi, you cracked me up, lol.

I think I may read those steps again, after I buy another BB. I threw out the last two, me bad.

Gypsy Feet

Hi Jaw!! Welcome!! Sometimes we cant post new threads if the title is too long, please keep trying. There is a lot of great advice, support and love on these boards, stick around. (I know no one else saw your post, sometimes people just read the first post and then type their response, don't despair bud, we will get you your own thread soon=)


D, what happened to the 16 days program, you in it?

WakeUp

Firestorm, do you have phone numbers of AA members? Get some and every time you feel like you want to go to the bar, call someone.
Come on, Firestorm, you can do this!