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Old 10-22-2009, 12:48 PM
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New Therapy, please join in...

The past few days have been really down for me. A bad case of the grumps. Having that past me now makes me realize the most detrimental effect of these moods-the lack of laughter, the ability to throw one's head back and howl with tears streaming down cheeks squeezing eyes shut. To laugh at one's self or predicament defuses the severity and allows us to take a deep breath after the guffaw and help us realize things migt not be as bad as we thought.
Laughter has been proven to reduce blood pressure, aleviate pain, and generally make you feel good afterwards. Have you noticed how you feel after watching a really good comedy that you belly-laughed several times during it?

So in this thread, I would like to address this unorthodox procedure and begin adding a joke or two. Just to give us a reprieve from the sometimes grueling task of staying alcohol and drug free. I invite you all to add to it as well. Please keep the jokes clean as well. A little ribald is probably ok, but lets not offend each other and have a good laugh to help us along. It certainly can't hurt.


0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really p.o'd. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Old 10-22-2009, 12:52 PM
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Bahahahaha, I love it! :rotfxko
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Old 10-22-2009, 02:27 PM
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Okay, here's one.



You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!


We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Old 10-22-2009, 02:28 PM
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er, I don't know how the "help" guy got on there. Clumsy?
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Old 10-22-2009, 03:43 PM
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If you run out of material, there's a whole forum of it right here on SR......

Recovery Follies - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 10-22-2009, 03:56 PM
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Your joke had me cracking up.

But I also found it funny with your quote: "A bad case of the grumps" then I saw your picture! You've mastered the grumpy pose. You seem like a good looking guy (I am not being woo-woo with you) -- why not curl those lips up a little. Smiling creates a cognizant dissonance response in the brain. Happy features create happy thoughts.
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Old 10-22-2009, 04:53 PM
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Actually there is an ever-so-slight smile underneath the brush. ;-)
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Old 10-22-2009, 04:57 PM
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Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
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Old 10-22-2009, 05:32 PM
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What do you call a dog with no legs?




Nothing, it isn't going to come anyway! (sorry)
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Old 10-22-2009, 05:32 PM
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This is a true story (or true-ish), from my father:

There's a pub near Waterford, Ireland, that prides itself on only serving beer and potcheen (moonshine), and only to men. Two American female tourists walked into, and sidled up to the bar. All the men around the bar started sniggering, to see what the bartender would do.

"Two pints, please," the brunette said. The bartender ignored her.

"Er, sir? Can we get two pints?" The bartender came right near her, wiping down the counter with a rag, but continued to ignore her. The fellas at the bar could hardly contain their laughter.

"Um, sir, can we get two pints?" He walked away, and started filling other customers orders. Howls of laughter could be heard throughout the pub.

Just then, the red headed American's eyes grew large. "Ohhhh, I get it," she said in a loud whisper. "This is a GAY bar."

Needless to say, the laughter stopped.
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:22 PM
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Ok, Penny, you started me on the Irish jokes, here's one of my favorites:

Pat and Mike were out all night drinkin and carousin. They were heading home about 6 in the morning when they passed by the parish church.

"Mike, do ya think we ought to go in and go to confession before we go home to our wives?"
"Aye," Pat answered, "probably be the proper thing to do."

So they both go in and kneel down and Pat choose to be the first to go in the confessional.
"Bless me, Father," he begins, " 'tis been a week since my last confession. Father, I was with a woman last night an' it twasn't me wife."

The priest on the other side of the screen pauses for a moment then says, "Ye know, Son, I can't give you absolution unless ya tell me the name of the woman ya were with."

"Oh, Father, please! I can't be tellin' ya that. I promised I'd not tell a soul," Pat whispered in alarm.

"Well I can't be givin' ya absolution until ya do." the priest replied.

"Oh, please Father, don't be askin' me such a thing. I made a promise, " Pat pleaded.

The priest thought a moment then offered, "I tell ya what. I'll mention some names and you just answer 'aye' or 'nay'. That way ya won't actually be tellin' me the name."

"I suppose that will work, ok, Father, I'll do it."

"Was it the widow O'Brian?" the priest questioned.
"Nay, Father, twasn't her." came the reply.
"Was it Mary O'Saunhessy?"
"Nay, Father, not her."
"Maggie O'Dell?"
"Nay."
"How about Katie Murphy?"
"Nay, Father."

During this time, Mike was still kneeling in the pew and kept looking at his watch. Pat had been in the confessional for a long time.
About the time Mike was really beginning to wonder what was going on, the curtain on the confessional pulled back, Pat emerged, he returned to the pew and knelt down next to Mike, his face buried in his folded hands in prayer.

"Pat, Pat!" Mike tried to whisper, " did the Father give ya absolution?"
Pat never lifted his head, "No, but..." Mike could see a wee smile on his face, "...I got about thirty new leads for next weekend!"
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Old 10-23-2009, 06:54 AM
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Brilliant idea! Let's start this weekend with laughter......and bad jokes:

The wife was telling her husband that she really really wanted a boob job. He goes: Why?
Well? I would like to have real big ones.
Husband gets angry: I'm not spending thousands on your boobs, just rub some toilet paper between them.
Wife: What???
Husband: Well it worked on your a......, didn't it?
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Old 10-23-2009, 09:21 AM
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A man walks into a bar, slightly tipsy already.
He asks the bartender for a drink, but the bartender tells him that he needs to be wearing a tie in his bar for service.
The man tries and tries to get a drink, but the bartender will not give in, telling him that he runs an upscale business and he has to put on a tie for service.
The man stumbles out of the bar, only to return in a few minutes wearing his jumper cables around his neck tied into a bow.
He asks the bartender if his "tie" is good enough, and can he please get a drink.
The bartender looks at him a moment, then says, well, okay, just don't start anything!
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Old 10-23-2009, 10:09 AM
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(actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
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Old 10-23-2009, 10:19 AM
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OMG, This is an Ozark mountain classic. I bet this is the guy that lives down the road from me. Read it slowly.


An inscription problem

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Ozark camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
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Old 10-23-2009, 10:32 AM
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No offense Paddy!

IRISH BIRTH CONTROL

Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband .'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'
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Old 10-24-2009, 11:19 AM
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think *5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'
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Old 10-24-2009, 11:25 AM
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Father O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want go to heaven?'
The man replies, 'Yes, Father.'

Father O'Connor then says, 'Leave this bar right now, and go outside'.
O'Connor proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, 'Yes'.
Father O'Connor asks him too to go out.

The Reverend Father goes the the third man and asks, 'Would you like to go to heaven? '
This time the reply is, 'No thank-you Father.'
Surprised, Father O'Connor asks, 'Why not?'
The man opines, 'I mean I do, but only after I die.'

The Father O'Connor explains, 'That's what I am talking about.'
The man says, 'Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.'
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Old 10-24-2009, 03:47 PM
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that was just what I needed a good laugh. thanks you all
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Old 10-25-2009, 08:48 AM
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We all need to laugh, joey, look at us, a bunch of drunks and users. But we're all here with arms around each other just trying to make it through another day. Better to do it laughing than crying.
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