Um...Scared but here.
Searching for Sunshine
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Beckley WV..on the way back to NC
Posts: 26
Um...Scared but here.
I am obviously a newcomer....I decided to go ahead and start a blog.
Maybe I will just paste that post here...it explains where I am as much as I care to right now.
"New blog. Just found this site. Not ready to talk about what led me here....just trying to sit with the fact that I AM here.
My addiciton is alcohol. Going on 18 years. Maybe it should be called my "medication".
I am seeking help in counseling, waiting for a call from the AA sponsor my counselor has referred me to.
My last drink was Sat 10-17-09, at 5:30am.
I am going on day six of not drinking. Last night was the hardest so far. I called my husband to hurry home from work. The anxiety was killing me. I begged him to grab me a green tea from the store, and get here before I cracked. He said "I will be there in a min, and we will get through this together". Thank God, and we did get through it.
I have damaged my life, and hurt a lot of people. The work ahead is daunting, and frankly, I don't know if I can do it, or even, what I am dealing with.
But today I am trying.
My first official post was a reply to a member's religious struggles. Here is the quote of it, I think it says a lot about one of the things that troubles me.
"Hi Ash...I am new to the site, and you are actually my first post, so I have nothing really to offer, except that I understand what you are saying. I have been irritated about my lack of "epiphany" for many many years. That earth moving moment when I KNOW for sure who God is, and feel comforted and held by Him.
I pick up the Bible, and am immediately confused and have no idea what I am reading. It's like another language.
I pray and feel nothing.
I listen and hear nothing.
What the heck is a "personal relationship" anyway? I barely have good ones with people I can see.
Anyway, just letting you know you are not alone in this struggle. I feel ya."
Liz"
Maybe I will just paste that post here...it explains where I am as much as I care to right now.
"New blog. Just found this site. Not ready to talk about what led me here....just trying to sit with the fact that I AM here.
My addiciton is alcohol. Going on 18 years. Maybe it should be called my "medication".
I am seeking help in counseling, waiting for a call from the AA sponsor my counselor has referred me to.
My last drink was Sat 10-17-09, at 5:30am.
I am going on day six of not drinking. Last night was the hardest so far. I called my husband to hurry home from work. The anxiety was killing me. I begged him to grab me a green tea from the store, and get here before I cracked. He said "I will be there in a min, and we will get through this together". Thank God, and we did get through it.
I have damaged my life, and hurt a lot of people. The work ahead is daunting, and frankly, I don't know if I can do it, or even, what I am dealing with.
But today I am trying.
My first official post was a reply to a member's religious struggles. Here is the quote of it, I think it says a lot about one of the things that troubles me.
"Hi Ash...I am new to the site, and you are actually my first post, so I have nothing really to offer, except that I understand what you are saying. I have been irritated about my lack of "epiphany" for many many years. That earth moving moment when I KNOW for sure who God is, and feel comforted and held by Him.
I pick up the Bible, and am immediately confused and have no idea what I am reading. It's like another language.
I pray and feel nothing.
I listen and hear nothing.
What the heck is a "personal relationship" anyway? I barely have good ones with people I can see.
Anyway, just letting you know you are not alone in this struggle. I feel ya."
Liz"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by gymliz 
I have damaged my life, and hurt a lot of people. The work ahead is daunting, and frankly, I don't know if I can do it, or even, what I am dealing with.
But today I am trying.
But today I am trying.
:ghug3
Searching for Sunshine
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Beckley WV..on the way back to NC
Posts: 26
Thank you. By the way, we are trying to get off this mountain and move to Charlotte. I just noticed that is where you are. Anyway...just noticed. Lotsa coincidences like that happening in my life right now.
it's all happening
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ann Arbor, Mich.
Posts: 125
Hi Liz!
Welcome! I'm so happy you're here, and posting. Congrats on six days. That's awesome. You are getting through the toughest part. For me, little bits of wisdom seemed to appear to me every day for the first few weeks, as my head got less foggy and I could see life more clearly. Am just past 30 days now, and really enjoying sobriety.
Glad you're here and posting. This is a great support group. I have gone to a few AA meetings (even though I, too, am lukewarm on the whole God thing) and have found it an amazing experience to sit around a table with other drunks and talk about coping with life. Maybe you could check one out? The people are super friendly, and treat your first meeting like a celebration! It's awesome.
It should be a celebration, not something you're ashamed of. There is no shame in admitting you have a problem with alcohol and you're working to make things better. Something in your body chemistry makes you an alcoholic. Being able to realize that is an amazing step that a lot of people never reach. Congrats to you, and welcome to the other side!
PL
Welcome! I'm so happy you're here, and posting. Congrats on six days. That's awesome. You are getting through the toughest part. For me, little bits of wisdom seemed to appear to me every day for the first few weeks, as my head got less foggy and I could see life more clearly. Am just past 30 days now, and really enjoying sobriety.
Glad you're here and posting. This is a great support group. I have gone to a few AA meetings (even though I, too, am lukewarm on the whole God thing) and have found it an amazing experience to sit around a table with other drunks and talk about coping with life. Maybe you could check one out? The people are super friendly, and treat your first meeting like a celebration! It's awesome.
It should be a celebration, not something you're ashamed of. There is no shame in admitting you have a problem with alcohol and you're working to make things better. Something in your body chemistry makes you an alcoholic. Being able to realize that is an amazing step that a lot of people never reach. Congrats to you, and welcome to the other side!
PL
Searching for Sunshine
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Beckley WV..on the way back to NC
Posts: 26
Thanks Penny. It really is good to hear that you "enjoy" sobriety. I desparately want to enjoy life in general. I just have no concept of life without alcohol. And the idea that the struggle might just be more difficult than just numbing it and drinking is terrifying.
Anyway....I'm not giving up...just scared. And yes...I have been referred to a meeting...waiting for a call today giving me there where and when.
Scary too. Almost paralyzing to think about walking in. But maybe I can.
Anyway....I'm not giving up...just scared. And yes...I have been referred to a meeting...waiting for a call today giving me there where and when.
Scary too. Almost paralyzing to think about walking in. But maybe I can.
Searching for Sunshine
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Beckley WV..on the way back to NC
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by hebrewdiva
Charlotte's an awesome town and has SO many resources. Get in contact with me when you're making your move...having some support when you get here would help. 
I love music, the arts, exercise, outdoors, and mostly.....friends.
All of which are completely lacking here. Well, except the outdoors, plenty of that, just cant enjoy it 6 months of the year.
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
Hi Liz, and welcome!!
You have found a great place for support. You are so fortunate to have a Husband who supports you getting sober, what a great gift! I look forward to reading your posts and getting to know you better.
Cathy
You have found a great place for support. You are so fortunate to have a Husband who supports you getting sober, what a great gift! I look forward to reading your posts and getting to know you better.
Cathy
Searching for Sunshine
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Beckley WV..on the way back to NC
Posts: 26
Hi Cathy...I am amazingly luck in that regard. He is supporting me...and of all times, right now.
I have hurt him deeply. And he is still here. That was one of my "wow" moments the last few days.
I have hurt him deeply. And he is still here. That was one of my "wow" moments the last few days.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
I have been irritated about my lack of "epiphany" for many many years. That earth moving moment when I KNOW for sure who God is, and feel comforted and held by Him.
I have absolutlely no idea "Who" my HP is and to be honest I have found that all I need to know is that He loves me, He has been there all along for me, but I had chosen to turn my back on him and close my ears as well.
Today I turn to him for guidance and strength to do His will. I work daily on maintaining a conscience contact with Him.
I have developed faith by giving away what has been given to me freely by others in AA and my HP and spiritually no matter how much I give away of what has been given to me I get back more in return then I ever dreamed possible.
I pick up the Bible, and am immediately confused and have no idea what I am reading. It's like another language.
I pray and feel nothing.
I listen and hear nothing.
I listen and hear nothing.
Have you ever gotten ready to do something and "something" gave you a feeling inside of you what you were going to do was a good or bad thing?
Where do you think that "feeling" came from?
Have you ever noticed that when you listen to that small voice in your head and followed its guidance that things go okay?
Have you ever noticed that when you DO NOT listen to that small voice in your head, instead you ignore it and simply did what you wanted to do even though it felt wrong that rarely did things go well, perhaps it did at that instant, but down the road things went haywire?
I ignored that inner voice for so many years that it took me time to even begin to learn how to re-establish how to even hear it, little lone listen to it.
I spent a great many years walking away from my HP, it took me time to learn how to even hear that little voice again and trust it, this was far from an over night process.
Think about how many years we drank to get to where we we were at when we first sobered up, it takes time to get things back together.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
Originally Posted by gymliz
I pick up the Bible, and am immediately confused and have no idea what I am reading. It's like another language.
I pray and feel nothing.
I listen and hear nothing.
Iīm not particularly religious, but I believe in a Higher Power. When I started out on my way to sobriety, I didnīt believe in anything. My sponsor suggested to use the power of the group as my Higher Power.
This is my suggestion to you. Use the power of the group or the board here to give you strength.
All of this takes time, but itīs a time well worth spending.
Best of luck to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Hi gymliz
welcome to SR...and congratulations on yr 6 days
'Today I am trying' is a great motto...today's all we have to deal with, after all
look forward to seeing you around the board,
D
welcome to SR...and congratulations on yr 6 days
'Today I am trying' is a great motto...today's all we have to deal with, after all
look forward to seeing you around the board,
D
Jiva
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Chico, California
Posts: 16
[QUOTE=gymliz;2407267]I
My addiciton is alcohol. Going on 18 years. Maybe it should be called my "medication".
QUOTE]
I too have used alcohol as my "medication" I was going through some mental health issues, ptsd, bi polar, the works. I was hallucinating, becoming confused with reality and what my mind told me. Then I found alcohol.
2 years later; jail, loosing paramedic and firefighter licenses, many other jobs, friends family the works, i have realized that this is not productive medicine.
I am working to overcome it now. Your post was inspiring and I thank you for that. You inspire me and give me belief that this will work.
Be well, and congrats!
My addiciton is alcohol. Going on 18 years. Maybe it should be called my "medication".
QUOTE]
I too have used alcohol as my "medication" I was going through some mental health issues, ptsd, bi polar, the works. I was hallucinating, becoming confused with reality and what my mind told me. Then I found alcohol.
2 years later; jail, loosing paramedic and firefighter licenses, many other jobs, friends family the works, i have realized that this is not productive medicine.
I am working to overcome it now. Your post was inspiring and I thank you for that. You inspire me and give me belief that this will work.
Be well, and congrats!
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