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Old 10-22-2009, 01:55 AM
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low...

Day one again....

I feel really depressed, alone, insecure, anxious.

I feel especially jealous at people who don't have this addiction disease. People who can get high, drunk, @%^& around, mess up everything and still get away with it. (I know this is nonsence, but that's how I feel right now).

It feels like everybody is having a good time except me.

Most of all I feel scared. All these feeling and I just don't have a clue how to deal with them. Scared of loosing my girlfriend, scared of failing my education, scared that 'this' is all there is to life,

I'm still young and healyhy, I go to university, I have a nice girlfriend, I live in on of the most rich countrys on earth, I'm quite attractive, i'm pretty smart, I have enough stuff to do not to get bored, I just can't seem to feel positive right now..

dammit, i'm a mess,
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Old 10-22-2009, 02:15 AM
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The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
 
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Hi, its day 1 for me too. I'm new here and just wanted to show my support to you. I'm also young, attractive, and with a world of opportunities around me, so here I am hoping to give it my all this time
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Old 10-22-2009, 02:17 AM
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It takes time sometimes to change one's life - and I think it's much harder when you're not at that point where it's an absolute imperative to quit.

We're funny creatures - we'll do something, even tho it's clearly bad for us, often until we can positively no longer 'get away with it'.

We can choose that point tho, and I wish I'd have done so.

Often it comes down to a question of support really I think.
Hows the AA/NA thing coming?

D
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Old 10-22-2009, 02:23 AM
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I need to get myself over this boundry....'...some force is really holding me back going to AA/NA but while typing this reply im actually looking for NA/AA meetings here in my city..

I'll never get sober untill i truely accept I DO have a problem
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Old 10-22-2009, 02:59 AM
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hope you find those meetings. Its the only thing that worked for me... finding meetings and starting a program for living! I have a great life now. happy and free.
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Old 10-22-2009, 03:04 AM
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there are AA meetings here in my city, called them up five minutes ago, this guy tells me that i'm not suitable for AA since i have a drugs-related problem!!! = terrible

So he gave me the adres of a clinic, and I just filled in my online application. It'll take maximum three days before I get my log-in data and then I can start working with them.

It feels good to actually have taken some action. This is the first time in two years of active recovery that i'm asking professional help.
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Old 10-22-2009, 11:56 AM
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Hey coming clean. You mentioned a lot of things in your post there that jumped out at me.

You sound like you are only now 100% admitting that you are an alcoholic/addict. That is esential to have any chance of sobriety and that's probably why you failed again as you didn't truly have that acceptance.

Also you mention that you feel jealousy towards non alcoholics/addicts as they can do what you can't, I am actually grateful now for admitting 100% that I am an alcoholic/addict and I think that untill you get that gratitude then sobriety will not last.
Also you sound like you are projecting too much ie- thinking about how everyone else is having a good time but you aren't. I used to do that a lot too and it gave me an excuse to go and get wasted and have " a good time", only most people's lives don't fall to pieces as a result but mine does/did.

I recognise all this as this is how I used to think/feel about my drinking/drug taking.

I think it is true what is said about only being able to stop when you exhaust all possibilities. I think I only reached the stage where i am at now once 1 drink turned into 3 day constant blackout binges with pretty bad withdrawal/consequences. I also hit that "moment of clarity" what they all go about where i literally saw my future in a haze of booze and drug withdrawal and i didn't like what i saw. I Knew I had to commit 100% to total abstinance from booze or face a certain death or prison sentence within the next few years. I literally would like nothing more than to drink myself to death in a crazy kind of way and i realised i had to stop or die basically.

You will stop when only you are truly ready. Are you ready?

Peace and love xxx
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Old 10-22-2009, 07:55 PM
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Please send me that phone number and person's name in a PM.

You could call the N.A. Hotline, in the meantime, and get to a meeting.
Good luck & best wishes for your continued recovery. Keep coming back!!
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:20 PM
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Hi CC. Sorry about the relapse. I know whenever that happens to me, I feel like total crap. As a heavy user for the last 20 years, I have never really learned how to deal with emotions. I'm 41 now but really only have the emotional maturity of a teenager. I always numbed myself to my emotions, I never had to deal with them that way Now I don't know how to deal with being sad, or even happy for that matter. It takes time.

I'm not sure how long you have been smoking, but you really have to learn how to deal with life clean and sober. 12 step programs are definately one way to do that, but not the only way. There is online support programs such as SMART and Lifering, that provide tools on how to deal with many of the things that come up when first getting clean. I don't have to tell you, it's not easy at first. I can't tell you how many times I've "slipped" in the past. What changed for me was deciding, for myself, that this was not the life I wanted to live anymore. I didn't do it for anyone but myself. I'm not envious of other's who can smoke ocassionsally and do fine, because that is not something I choose to do anymore. I'm not saying the temptation doesn't arise on occassion, but I think about all the bad that my using has done in my life. How much it cost me, set me back in life. That helps keep me grounded.

I also see a theripist regularly. That helps me alot. It is someone I can talk to, be totally honest with and get "life advice" from. It took me a long time to find someone I could really trust and be honest with, but now that I have it is an invaluable relationship.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and recommit to staying clean. Remember you are worth it. You can do it. Take care.
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:40 PM
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drugs, alcohol the works i have endured their means of interaction. You have come to a great place. we all struggle, we all have too breathe. be strong, be young, be old. Continue with school, drive yourself to success. I, we are here with you.
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Old 10-22-2009, 10:14 PM
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Originally Posted by coming_clean View Post

I'll never get sober untill i truely accept I DO have a problem
To get sober, you merely have to decide that the cost is a lot greater than the payoff. To maintain sobriety, you will have to learn how to accept it.
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Old 10-22-2009, 11:00 PM
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The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
 
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Really? I've been to meetings where some identified themselves as alcoholics/addicts. I guess different chapters are different. I wish you all the best. Day 2 going strong woo
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