xenodamus

I keep telling myself it's a selfish choice. Sure, ending your life may end YOUR pain. What about everyone else, though? Can you imagine what you would put your entire family through? Honestly, that's the only reason I'm still alive today. I've had these internal discussions with myself too many times to count. Do you want to know what has brought me to this point? Do you want to know what could make a person feel so helpless that they see death as their only release....their only escape? Alcohol. I know exactly what's going to happen before I ever open the bottle. But I do it anyway. Why? Why do I continue to do this to myself? How do I continually go from the way I feel now right back to the bottle that caused it thinking I can play with fire and not get burned?

Hmmm...I suppose my real problem is not life after all......do I really feel like the only way I can stop alcohol from ruining my life is to end it myself? What sense does that make? Oh my god. I just want it to stop. I just want the cycle to end. I just want to stop feeling this way. I know I sound rediculous. I have no idea who will read this but you must be thinking, "Is he really ready to shoot himself because he has a hangover?". Basically....yeah....I am. I've let my boss down. I've let my wife down. I've let myself down. I do this over and over and ask myself the same questions every time. I think it was Einstein that said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". That's me.

All this typing is making me angry. There are so many thoughts in my head racing around much faster than I'm able to type. I just have to stop. I can't think about this anymore. I'm think I'm making myself worse by thinking about it so hard. It's just depressing. All of it. Thanks for reading. I hope my rambling was entertaining at the least. I just want to know that I'm not alone....that there are other people who feel like this...that there is hope for me. FML

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

Please know that there is hope. I strongly suggest that you talk to your dr or go to an ER for help.

Please read this information:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html

yeahgr8

Wow that is something i would have written 6 months ago...totally know what you mean second by second of how you are feeling!

I don't think there is anything illogical, looking back, on thinking (well planning) how to end it when you are stuck in the same ******* loop everyday like it was ground hog day! The frequency of the drinking is quite irrelevant, yes i was a daily drinker for the last years and had gievn up all hope but people that drink just at weekends can feel the same way.

I always knew about AA but it wasn't for me, i had to do things different (or so i thought)...did counselling, antabuse, anti-depressants, resonance treatment (would recommend this last one if you have too much money?!) and all the other stuff of moving, getting new relationships, switching drinks, exercising, getting up early, getting up late etcetcetc

Finally crawled into AA begging for help and found it...working the program one day at a time and life is infinitely better than it was and i feel very different...worth a shot before you do yourself in, that was basically my thinking...this is it if they can't help me i'm sick of being a coward and i'm done...

So i vote for do AA, get sober and change yourself and give yourself a chance at living...my DOC (death, not drug, of choice in this case) was cut throat razor in front of mirror...thing is today i want to live as i am enjoying my life but more important have been given HOPE for the future!

Anyways thats just what happpened to me, good luck, stick around here as it is a great place for support:-)

xenodamus

That was actually a copy of the email I just sent to the Samaritans organization. I have made a firm decision against suicide, though. I should have said that. The fact that alcohol is causing me to have suicidal thoughts tells me that I probably have a problem, though. This is just the worst that I have ever felt after a weekend binge. I just stayed drunk for 3 days straight and called into work yesterday. I can't do this anymore. I've got to stop drinking before it ruins my life. I posted a copy of that email here because I really feel like I just need to hear someone tell me that I'm gonna make it and things will get better.

grateful2b

Xeno, welcome!
Glad you are here,
you have come to a great place...lots of wonderful support and Experience, Strength, and Hope
Alcohol is not my DOC, but SR has been hugely instumental in my recovery
oh, and, stick around, things are bound to get better

chrisinaustin

You're not, and there is. There are millions of people who've gone through and are going through, over and over again, exactly what you described. They need you here.

Again -- you are not alone.

tyler

First of all, welcome to the boards of Sober Recovery. This is a great place to find help and support for you addiction issues. There is a lot of wisdom here, and so many folks who understand what you are going through and are willing to offer any support they can to help you.

I've felt that same desperation you describe, about the only thing left to do is reach out for help, any help, AA, hospital, whatever is available, and really use it. The frustration can be so completely crushing that suicide seems the only "logical" way out. But that is just an example of how twisted addcition makes our thought process.

I hope you are able to get some help. AA is free and available most everywhere. If you havent' tried it, I would recommend it, it certainly can't hurt. Just try to accept the help that is offered the best you can and resist the impulse to "do it your own way". Hope you get to feeling better. Take care.

gravity

I was also a weekend binge drinker - 2 or (usually) 3 days of non-stop drinking.

I definitely know that feeling - coming to afterwards.

My last binge ended on December 17, 2007. That day, I called the AA hotline, met with a recovered alcoholic, and went to my first meeting the following day.

In addition to AA, I rely on counselling & my doctor. Many other support mechanisms including SR and family/friends.

You need help, someone to talk to who understands.

You don't have to live like this.

Take care.

vegibean

You don't have to live like that any more. I'm going to PM you a link for you to check out. It's some where for you to start. You have a choice. You can continue to live like this or you can do something to change it. My best to you and good luck!!

keithj

That was me, feeling worthless and sub-human. Like I shouldn't even have the right to go on living. Except I didn't take any breaks in between binges. Every day waking up and feeling like that, calling in and lying to my work, or faking my way through it.

That was me the day I called a guy in AA who offered me a spiritual solution to my problem. He took me through the 12 Steps and I recovered. I haven't felt like you describe since that day.

biravatch65

You're definitely not alone. I have felt the exact same thing. That is basically how I define a bottom... reaching that hopeless state of mind and body. Where you can't imagine life with alcohol and you can't imagine life without alcohol. Where a quick death becomes an attractive solution. The good news is that millions of people have been right where you are and they have recovered. You can do it too.

xenodamus

Thank you for the replies and support. One of my biggest problems is that most of the time my desire to stop drinking leaves with the hangover. Does anyone else experience that? I wish I could recreate this feeling I have right now everytime I tell myself I don't have a problem.

Can you be an alcoholic and only drink on the weekends? I can put it down for a month at a time...no problem. But then I start thinking and telling myself I can drink normally if I decide to. Wrong. The wierd thing is that I can go to a restaurant and have a beer or two...or even mixed drinks...and I'm fine. The problem starts when I reach the point of buzzing. If I ever catch a buzz...it's over. I'll sneak drinks and do whatever is necessary to keep it going....and will continue to do so for days at a time if possible.

If I didn't have to work I would stay drunk 24 hours a day....7 days a week.

^------Saying that out loud makes it hard to reason that I don't have a problem.

grateful2b

my daughter was a binge drinker...once she was on her second beer she was off on a three day binge.......and so because she could binge and leave it she figured she wasn`t an alcoholic, just partying....six years on, her life dismantled, as weekends blended into weekdays she realized she did have a problem...it took two more years for her to reach her bottom...she realized it was killing her. she had tried AA once.. didnt think it was for her.
She is now on her fourth chip, secretary for her home group and can`t imagine life with out her AA family..

Tazman53

Welcome to SR xenodamus, let me tell you as you have already seen............ YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!

I spent may a year riding with the 4 hideous horsemen, Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, & Despair! I too have had the same thoughts as you, but even though I did not want to continue to live the life I was living, I did not want to die either.

I reached a poiint of total hopelessness, I had no idea of where to turn, I called a drug and alcohol hotline. They set me up with a doctors appointment. I told the doctor the WHOLE truth about my drinking, he told me if I wanted a chance at getting sober safely I needed to be medically detoxed.

In detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.

Well I was willing to do what ever it took to stay sober, so I fololwed thier suggestions. In the program of AA, the 12 steps of AA and the fellowship of AA I found a solution!

The solution I found was not just for my alcoholism, but life in general! If I apply the principles I learned in taking the 12 steps of AA daily I live life on lifes terms and the thought of a drink remains lifted from me.

Give it a try, what do you have to lose? Hey check out 90 meetings in 90 days and getting a sponsor and taking the steps..... If you don't like it you have lost nothing and gained a whole lot of money by not spending it on booze!

chrisinaustin

Yea, I think you've answered your own question.

Saphie

Three years ago: When I was sober, or as sober as I could get in between drinking, I was thinking of not wanting to drink anymore - until lunchtime, after that I was looking forward to having the first. And.........once I was drunk I didn't want to live anymore, because of this because of that but most of all because of the drink. In a way it was a good thing I always drunk until I passed out, because I can remember vividly wanting to get up and do myself in, but I was too drunk to get up. You are not alone believe me. I'm even surprising myself that I'm brave enough to write this down for everybody to read. There were no real reasons, nothing was that bad - it was the most powerful depressant that I was taking that was making me feel this way - booze. Yes I get depressed, yes I get anxious and sometimes down and feel so blue, but ...... without a drink I get on with life and don't want to stop it anymore. You can feel this way too. Keep posting.

biravatch65

Well count yourself lucky that you've posted here. You now have a record. Next time your hangover leaves you, come back here and read your own posts.

xenodamus

I'm going to do just that. I think saying all of this while it's fresh on my mind is going to make a big difference. I've already re-read my own post 100 times thinking, "Wow....do you hear yourself?". It's a good thing, though.

It's amazing how much it helps just to hear someone say, "Yeah..I've been there. I know what you mean."

You can see that I actually joined this site a month ago so this isn't the first "Oh ****" moment I've had. Maybe it will be the last, though. I think it's time to draw the line in the sand.

scoob

Welcome to the alternative

Asta1

Except for the suicide thing, I have gone through exactly the same things you have. This is ENOUGH, right? It seems unfair that so many people can go through life being truly social drinkers - can stop after 1 or 2. After many, many tries, it is apparent I am not one of them. Alcoholism does in the family, I am convinced, and if not an actual disease, certainly has all the characteristics of one. Thus, it must be treated. I am going to try to remember that every day, and to keep reading the posts at this site every day. It will keep fresh in my memory the pain of going over the edge AGAIN.