tyler

The biggest thing that has held me back over the years was the thought that this thing or that person would "help me stay sober". It never worked out. The only person who can "help me stay sober" is me. It is a decision I have to make and be true to myself.

Now there are things that can help you have a better chance with this, outpatient is a good start. They will teach you skills that you can use to prevent a relapse, for example. However, unless you decide to use those skills instead of drinking, it won't matter.

I have been to two inpatient rehabs, and several outpatient. I've been to numerous theripists, read countless books on addiction. I posess enough "knowledge" on addiction to write a book on the subject. However it is only recently that I have had any sucess staying clean. I finally reached a point in my life where I wanted to do it for me. Not my wife (now ex), my son, my parents, my employer, etc. I finally decided I was worthy of this. I didn't want to keep hurting myself over and over again. I was worthy of a better life.

It took countless failures to reach this point, I wish I had reached it sooner, but I guess it took as long as it needed to. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, go to that rehab, and make this work for YOU. You are worth it. Take care.

firestorm090

Thanks to all of you for your concern and responses. I originally posted this thread to admit my relapse, which I felt was the right thing to do. So I'm back to day two again today, and that's a place to start.

I take full responsibility for drinking Saturday night, and while I know other people cannot make us drink, I also know some people make us very thirsty for a drink. The argument that eventually led to my choice of going out to get drunk was not an isolated incident, but instead was the culmination of several arguments, each a small trigger in a series of triggers that ultimately led me to say "to hell with this< I'm outta here". It's like being in a drama setting for days on end, and trying to walk on egg shells so as not to spark another argument. I made the decision to allow this roommate to move in, and now it bugs me daily. Not just the distinction of boundaries being blurred, but the little things as well, such as her sleeping all day, up all night, panties lying on the living room floor, just those kinds of things, and nothing is being done when she says she'll do it. I don't know what to expect from her when she says she'll do something, which is something that I'm trying to change in my own life, being responsible and accountable for what I say. Her constant mood shifts and changes in her plans leaves me unsettled and uncertain as to what to expect. It's hard to ignore her, because she is staying with me for the time being, but this is going to change soon, because I don't want this to continue. I don't want to be unfair, but will have to insist that she find another place to stay. I've been reluctant to discuss the matter with her due to not wanting to endure another argument, bout of tears and so forth. Geez, how did I let this happen? I must have been in a fog at the time.

Anyway, day 2 again, and I'm drinking coffee. Now I know it is best for me to learn to appreciate being alone, because the drama isn't worth it.

keithj

Stacking BB's, FS. It's difficult to distinguish the true from the false. If I just get all those BB's stacked up just right; if she sticks to the right schedule, keeps the panties off the floor, does what I want, all will be well. Hell, I may even have to get a new her, a new it, a new thing, whatever, but if I just get 'em stacked, it will be OK.

And then some a**hole comes by and bumps the table, and all my neatly, painstakingly stacked BB's go flying across the room.

It's what many of us, myself included for a time, try to do with alcoholism. We stack BB's, trying to get all the little details in life to fit to our design. And it never quite works out the way we want it to. The BB's go flying, and we go a-drinkin.

Deep in your heart, FS, do you really think that whatever the other 'hers' are in your life really make a difference to your being sober or not? What if you get all the 'hers' stacked the way you want, then what? Will you be sober then?

I get you, FS. Some people do not need to be in my life, and they don't enhance my sobriety. But they are not the problem. I'm the problem. Booze was just my solution to the problem of me.

A spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 Steps got me to a new me. And that new me is not a problem.

firestorm090

I know that I am fully, unconditionally responsible for drinking this past Saturday night and I do not need people to tell me that if my world were as I want it to be maybe I would not drink. I don't expect that and never have. I do have a problem with my current situation and with 48 days sober up till this past Saturday, I allowed an emotional situation to get out of control and I drank over it. The counselor I spoke with today explained it as playing old tapes because there are no new tapes in place at this time. That makes a little sense, but the truth is it really doesn't matter why I drank, it happened and now I need to get back on track and follow a program that helps me stay free of the first drink. I completed the intake process today and will begin the 16 week out-patient program next week , so I feel I'm on the right track for now.

Regarding the lady staying with me, after my meeting this morning, she and I talked and I asked her if she was feeling ok, and she then told me she suffers from chronic fatique syndrome and fibromyalgia, both of which I know nothing about. Well, I felt like a total jerk for my expectations lately and thinking she was just lazy, because now I know it's from her health condition. I've decided to just let her be for now and focus on school and the out-patient program and staying sober. That's enough for me for now. Besides, she is a much better cook than I am and knows the kitchen alot better than I do, so there are good things to consider.

Thanks for all your replies.

Tazman53

FS stick with the honesty, keep being honest with your self and others, it does pay off in the long run. Keep your recovery #1.

Goat

I have a bit (ok, way too much) experience with manipulative women... and this set off a bit of a red flag with me. I'd say trust your judgement, but to join the chorus in this thread, if she is hurting you then don't worry about her, worry about you.

That said, I would like to point out how wonderful and supportive the people on SR are. People come here immediately and let us know when they are relapsing because they know they will get immediate love and support from this great community. What a fantastic group of people you are and I am very proud to know you and very thankful for all you've done for me and everyone else here.

-Goat