lonely and not happy tonight
 

i'm on vacation for a few days.
i went for a walk earlier and saw everybody hanging out and talking and laughing. very depressing. so i've returned to the hotel (i didn't even come on vacation for the history or culture or whatever. i came hoping i'd make some new friends)
i have no friends. and i don't know how to make new ones. i haven't had a proper conversation with anybody for perhaps 7 or 8 months.:headbange
if you're not into drinking or clubbing it's really impossible to meet new people.
i'd even signed up to an internet dating site but NOBODY (not one person) has even responded to me.
i think i'm probably going to be alone for ever. their's obviously something clamerously wrong with me, but nobody has the balls to tell it to my face.
for a long time i'd been thinking the world is very ****** up. but i've just flipped that around and realized i must really be ****** up.
oh ****. what am i gonna do:c020:

Why not begin going to meetings and reach out to those who can help you to recover?

You have friends who will understand you at AA meetings,, thing is you do need to say you need help at the meeting out loud to others.

IT DOES GET BETTER! I have been there. Just ASK for help.

i don't mean i want to talk about myself.
i'd just like to have some (casual/superficial) connection with other humans.

All my social interaction has come from the meetings, meaning coffees before, after and other times, meals out, bowling, days away etc...i have no existing friends or family where i am living at the moment...without my new friends i would be doing this alone and posting like you...you are missing out on a hell of a lot so get started and in a few weeks you will writing a different post altogether:-)

That there right there is really a problem within society, I think. That we have to be drugged in some way to interact with one another is somewhat sick. Everybody needs human contact and warmth. Here in the west we are much too cold and distant unless we are drugged. Why? I don't really know, but there's definitely something wrong with our relationship to one another. We can't stand each other unless we are drugged.

I'm exaggerating.

Anyway, there's some good advice here on how to try and do it :)

And I can relate. It IS different sober, this whole interacting with each other. Best of luck to you, hang in there!!

Aldo- felt the same way. Where do I go to meet new people? What do I say? How come they don't seem interested in what I am trying to say to them-you know like conversation starters and such. It seems impossible to be able to "escape" my true self without chemicals coursing through me. I thought for a long time it was me. That something was wrong with me and I was a thing to stay away from. Now, I am realizing that just by putting it out there I am at least giving myself a chance. It ain't you who's f*cked up. Just give it time. And stop beating yourself up.

Aldo, :hug:

I can exactly relate to what you said there, only it's been a little while longer since I had a superficial relationship with anybody outside of the call of work/school.

When it's been a while, it's harder (IMO) to think that you can do it again, and the longer that happens, it gets even harder. If that makes any sense. What I mean, is, a few years ago, I wondered why I could only watch the city happen and never felt connected. Fast forward up to now, and I was terrified in June that I'd never make another friend, that I had just fallen out of society's loop and would stay that away. Also, being a woman and nigh 30 doesn't help--babies make me cry, because I figure I'll never have one.

I tried to think of things to do, joined some clubs, etc, but most days that just reinforces the fact that I'm not one of them (whatever that is). And that was a very big, scary, step for me--I used to have friends, but I never was the type to join a school club or anything. When I figured out that wasn't the magical thing that gets people invited to coffee at Starbucks (what I would consider a worthy goal), I pretty much ran out of ideas.

On the other hand, I have been going now and then to a couple of different AA meetings. Some are bad for those who are seeking to belong somewhere, very bad. I ran away swearing I'd never go back. But, seeing no real other way to get out of this eternal loneliness I no longer know how to cure, I've been going to this one or that one every couple weeks, when my boldness picks up (or the sting of the last rejection fades...not sure). Last week I discovered one where they actually came up to me and said hi. Someone gave me a phone number, but I didn't want to impose--with disastrous results. This week I went back to the same meeting and... they still like me.

And outside of someone asking me "what's your poison?" I haven't had to say anything at all about me (well, my name). I don't talk during the meeting, just after when we all stand outside. And it's about nothings! Landlords, traffic, stuff.

I'd suggest you give an AA meeting a try, and if that one doesn't work, try another one. Don't you about you, everything I had tried, every overture had failed. I never was one for clubs, but I did go into bars a couple times in the last year, just to talk to people. They won't sit still anywhere else long enough to have a conversation... grrr.

Best of luck,
-TB

I have my girlfriend, and two good friends, that's it....

I understand the fear of being alone very good tough...since i started my recovery...a lot of 'friends' have left my life, and no-one new actually has entered...

Luckely i'm pretty comfertable with myself, and I learned to phase out the lonely periods...

I totally understand the feeling of lonliness - I was alone for 10 years. I searched online dating sites, forums, bars, I tried clubs (not the disco kind) everything.

Then I stopped looking - and it was then I found Love :)

Don't beat yourself over and over. You WILL find what you're looking for. And you have us lot on here :a122:

I like what matty said. Percpective is very crucial. A good one. A positive one.
Its funny you posted this, because I have been thinking about something along these same lines the past few days.
I was thinking about how before i started being a raging addict. I was so shy and quiet. I had such bad social anxiety before I even knew what that meant or was. I was so scared to be noticed or speak in front of people. use to gte picked on alot as a kid tho. So that contributed to it I am sure. And I experienced alot of racism growing up too. Kids are cruel sometimes. It stayed with me well into my addiciton. But being an addict made me not care what anyone thought or said. Thats a bad thing as far as my attitude toward life. Bt I have found that it is a good thing that I have sorta carried that same attitude with me into recovery. It as made my transition into reagular living again alot easier for me. I find it pretty easy to converstae with people ow a days. But it did take some work. And I def had to have a little confideance in myself. Feel like I was smart enough or worthy enough to interact with normal society. For me its not a question whether I need to get wasted or not. Crack addicts arent ones i tend to run into now. But not everyone is out to get wasted. I noticed I would be so in tune with others in that aspect. Like I just noticed when people were doing those things or only the people doing those things. But there are alot of people who aretn alwasy clubbing, drinking, gettign wasted.
Maybe turn your attention toward people that arent on vacation or out to party. I think going on a retreat may not be the best place to find others looking to stay sober. Think about it.
You can find lots of people right at home that you can relate to. Go to some coffee houses, meetings, how bout work? Do you have to interact with poeple at your job?
Dating sites..Dont get me started on that.
Just take it easy on yourself and dont rush things. How long have you been sober?
You have alot of work to do on yourself to be worrying about others at this point to be honest. And thats not saying theres anything wrong with you. Your still early off yet. You need to keep the focus on getting and staying better. After you get that going on a good path, Then I find that all that other stuff just sorta happens by itself. hang in there and be patient.

Don't worry,
Things will look different soon if you let things change.
Don't despair and be positive.
Then you will attract what you want.

head on over to expansions.com you need to learn about harnassing your higher mental powers. you need to put the energy out there that will attract others into your life. affirmations. any hobbies? join 2 or 3 different clubs or sporting groups.

of course, while i'm away like that i make the most of it even if i am feeling like ****. i walk around, take my pics, eat what the locals eat, and all that.

in fact, a few days after i met a group of kool fellow travellers at the train station. and even though we were staying in diffrent hotels we arranged to hang out together and we exchanged emails in the end. so that was very nice.

when am i going to meet a woman though?? :c021:

I don't think that is an exaggeration.
That's how it really is.
Very sad times in which we live. :c020:

I got nothing for you on this one, I'm in the same boat. Everyone says to go to meeting to meet people, but you're really not supposed to "date around" the rooms. I'm not sure I'd want to date another addict anyway. Did the same thing with the dating sites with the same results. Depressing:c021:

exactly. me neither! i've got enough issues of my own, so why would i want to double those issues.
what the hell are we gonna do?:headbange

Jazz - I don't think you're exaggerating - I thought you were quite eloquent.

aldo -
hon, I've got nothing to tell ya other than aa is not the 'mordor of humanity' you seem to think it is. You don't have to talk about yourself...
there's plenty of alcoholics around
who never tire of talking about themselves ... :lmao
But the difference is
they're alcoholics ... working together to bet better.

I read the part you talking about hearing the people laughing ...
man o man...
there's noplace on the PLANET I've ever heard
the laughter that you hear at AA.

There's a bright, free, infectious quality to it
... I dunno how to describe it -
but it's unique to AA,
I can tell you that one for sure!

You just sounded so sad
I hope you'll change your mind about AA.
If anything
it'd be a great place to get back in practice
of relating to other human beings.

Hi Aldo1980,

I d' like to share some experiences I made the last few days, mabye they can help you have another outlook on this.

I think I know the feeling-strangely enough, I was in my own little black hole for the past few days. I didn't go back to drinking, but I realized just yesterday night that it was more or less slowly slipping back int very unhealthy behaviour.

Things weren't going well for some weeks and I felt like the lonliest person in the world, alienated from people, cursed to face it all alone since there was no way I was ever going to be "one of them".
Heck, I have been feeling like a f**ing alien for most fo my life. I was always amazed how other people do this on a daily basis. And what was I missing, why have I never been able to lose that feeling. Other people in their end twenties get married, start their own families, have a career and where am I? Alone and disconnected from this life, not sure if that would be the life that I would want and alltoghether crying myself to sleep over the fact that I have no one I can feel really comfortable and secure around. People I could have meaningful conversations around. People I could trust and that didn't make me feel like an alien. So I think I am not unfamiliar to this feeling, yes.

But we have to think outside this box. To think outside the self-assigned victim role. All this things are just happening to me, so what can poor me do to change it?
As some others said on the thread, it's about positive attitude, and I probably wasn't very much fun to be around either. Heck, I was probably sucking other people into a vortex of negative thinking and sadness. I realized that it was not fair neither to myself nor to other people. I was making others feel bad too, it was like I was holding them By being depressed and negative about it, I alienated myself even more from people. This was caustic, corrosive self-pity, at least that's what I was always doing. I realized that yesterday, it was some strange epiphany.
If this is all I get at the moment, then I'll better try to do something positive with it.

If I offer people positivity and opnenness of mind instead, chances will be bigger, that I come across a person that thas to offer same thing to me. If I offer sadness and negativity, I will only get self-pity and despondency as an extra sh*tty gift to myself. And it makes it virtulally impossible to do anything that changes my situation. Maybe keeping it in mind can make you feel better too. There must be more people inthe world who could use some new friendships and everybody is miserable on their own. So I figured my way to go will be that I don't even bother to be like "the others'' but to be my positive self as much as I can and to offer people a smile and an ear. If you could see my sadness and anger from iles away, than the right people will also be able to see this from far away, and if I live that way, it will attract the right people for me. I think it will all work out.

I hope this helped maybe a bit. It takes time and how I had to realize myself in the last days, a change of attitude and some learning of skills that were not fully developed yet. Don't be discouraged. You can do something to feel better, and at some point good things will come along. Hugs, and take care,:hug:
S.