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ashleek 10-16-2009 11:40 AM

I need your HELP desperately
 
Okay so today I am reading through the big book for the first time and I am so p!ssed off. I am now feeling mad at myself, mad at others but what I am struggling with right now is I am so p!ssed at God or that I can't find God or that I don't know what God is.

So, for somone who has worked the steps if you would be kind enough to help me on this issue of how did you find your spirituality or God or whatever you found. I don't have a sponsor haven't worked the steps but I really need to work this out and I don't know what to do.

Thanks!!

biravatch65 10-16-2009 11:44 AM

I've heard that any relationship begins with communication. Try to have a dialogue with whatever god is. Do a lot of listening.

yeahgr8 10-16-2009 11:45 AM

I got a sponsor and talked to them about these sort of concerns, i mean talking about it for hours over coffee not something that someone can sum up in a post IMO:-)

ashleek 10-16-2009 11:52 AM

Well anything would be great, a story of someone finding something.....just something. I know this sometimes takes time. Not all of us get it all at once.

goofers 10-16-2009 11:55 AM

God is?
 
God can simply be found in your heart and the very soul of yourself. He is there always and waiting for you to call on him. He gives us our needs, not necessarily our wants. He will never give you more than you can carry. You don't need elaborate prayers, just a sincere desire to be free from the shackles of your demons. He will hear you and not every one hears bells and whistles, but a feeling of calm. You must mean it in your heart and try to follow his teaching the best you can and seek out a church that best fits your thirst for knowledge and fellowship. I sincerley hope you find him as he has become my savior after almost 40 years away from him.......Love all even your enemies. I'm praying for you.

bananagrrrl 10-16-2009 11:55 AM

Have you read We Agnostics yet? That is a pretty good chapter to start off with. Which is all you have to do, find a starting place.

gravity 10-16-2009 11:57 AM

When I started the steps, my sponsor asked me one simple question...

What gives you strength?

In the past, I have met many challenges by thinking of my late father or my young children. Their spirit & their love. Definitely gives me strength, more than I have on my own.

As I worked through the steps, God of my understanding has grown but I still often go back to basics.

ashleek 10-16-2009 12:02 PM


Originally Posted by bananagrrrl (Post 2401789)
Have you read We Agnostics yet? That is a pretty good chapter to start off with. Which is all you have to do, find a starting place.


I have and sadly enough that is what brought on all this anger. I was just so mad maybe at myself, maybe at God, I really don't know but that chapter really got me upset. I guess maybe it could be fear, isn't that what they say in AA that most emotions lead back to our fears. But I don't know what I fear.

Keep on posting I'll maybe figure this out a little.

keithj 10-16-2009 12:03 PM


Originally Posted by ashleek (Post 2401771)
...how did you find your spirituality or God or whatever you found. I don't have a sponsor haven't worked the steps but I really need to work this out and I don't know what to do.

Ashleek,

Knowing that you don't know (Ch. 71 of Tao Te Ching) is a great place to start.

I found a higher power of my understanding by taking the 12 steps with a knowledgeable sponsor exactly as they were outlined in the book. And that whole phrase 'higher power of my understanding' doesn't even sit well with me some years later. As the result of the steps, I had what is called a spiritual awakening. I felt that power in my life, and it revolutionized my outlook on just about everything. No burning bush thing, just a smoldering warmth that has burned brighter over time.

I came into AA as a staunch atheist who thought the idea of a higher power was a crutch for weak minded people. That was my prejudice. I didn't have to do anything except know that I needed to find that power in my life, and take the actions set before me.

Was I willing to believe in the possibility of a higher power? That's the bare minimum requirement, and it was all I had. I wasn't really even too hopeful for that, but I had nothing to lose. So I started taking the steps, and gradually found that Great Reality deep within. And when I say gradual, I mean that I felt that power a couple months into the process. Somewhere in Steps 9-10, but really all along. My concept has evolved and my faith in whatever has deepened over time.

I think it's paramount to start from scratch, at the beginning, with a good sponsor. I can't tell you how many people I've seen fail with the notion of a two step program. Don't drink and believe in God. The problem with that is, belief in God 'out there' does nothing for me. I have to find the God in my heart for it to work in my life. And I do that by taking the actions that are specifically laid out.

You'll get a ton of feedback in the 12 Step forums, or feel free to PM me.

Surlyredhead 10-16-2009 12:05 PM

:hug: I know it was hard for me to find my spirituality when I first got into recovery. (I can only speak for myself I am not trying to tell you what you need to do, your relationship with your higher power is a very personal thing) I was also mad at God, in fact, I was burnt up!!! I wondered how he could have possibly abandoned me the way that he did. How could he have possibly let all those horrible things happen to me. I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve that! Then, after about 30 days(or so) , I had what I could only call a Spiritual Awakening, I realized that it was ME who turned my back on God. I ignored everything I had been taught about how to live right and how to treat people, and myself. When I finally realized that God had been waiting for me to come back to him, it was as if a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders and I felt like everything would be okay. It was the first time I felt that in many years. I have never been a church going person, and I am still not one today, I don't preach to people and I really don't like it when I am preached to by others. It was more of an inner peace that I still hold within my heart today. I realized that if I wasn't being looked after when I was out there, I would probably be dead....or worse, I may have killed an innocent person.

I suppose the point I am trying to make is this, when we are ready to let down the inner walls we took so long to build (to protect ourselves from being hurt) and we are willing to ask God back into our lives He will be there. It is not something you can rush, and there is no set time limit you need to worry about. When you are truly ready for God to come "home", you will realize he was there all along! It was a wonderful feeling for me, it was like my entire being and soul was wrapped in the best hug ever!

I hope you find what you are looking for....:hug:

Cathy

pennylane2009 10-16-2009 12:07 PM

Ashlee,

I find some solace in thinking about "god" simply as the electricity that runs through all of us. We really do have an electrical charge in our bodies, and for me, connecting with "god" means plugging in with other people. When people say they "turn x over to god," for me, that means letting go of the illusion that I can control something, and trusting that talking to other people who have been through similar experiences can help me get through this, too.

That's it. The image I have of god in my head is really just a bunch of blue lights. I don't know why blue.

Good luck. I have been turning away from AA lately because of the whole religion aspect, but I do believe there is strength in numbers.

PL

vegibean 10-16-2009 12:13 PM

Hey ashlee, I am going to go way off the "God" topic and tell you works for ME!!

I do not believe in a god, I have found for myself that I would often get p*ssed off, want to blame, etc. and not to mention I really never hear anything back from that God.

Long story short.........I use what I have already inside me.

When I feel down, I talk to myself. I meditate. I know that if I practice self honesty that I will have the best answers for myself. And by the way, that DOES MEAN if I need a good @ss kicking, so be it, I give myself one. I also encourage myself and am the best d@mn cheerleader I have. I know I can depend on myself to get whatever tasks done and that when I wake up in the morning, it's going to me, that makes me happy.

What gave me hope and kept my faith alive in the beginning was looking to all the others before me that struggled and succeeded with their sobriety. It didn't matter if they believed in God, or what their preference was but their motivation and strength to keep going, stay sober and have a better life drove me to say "Self, I can do this if they can!!" Girl, I am the Queen of my Castle today.

I just recently spoke at a meeting and it's been what I've shared with others as well...... if someone would have shown me two years ago where I would be today, I would have thought I won the damn lottery. My life was bad, I was miserable, despaired, depressed, angry.......you name it. Bad, bad, bad!!

I do suggest getting a sponsor and working the steps. I did, they will give you the tools to help you work out your issues and get through life's challenges. Calling a sponsor keeps accountable every day too. ;)

This is your recovery, you can make it custom to what works for you. For most we share the same path to getting there but everyone has something they like to tweak here and there for themselves, GO FOR IT!!!! Whatever works for you.

Good for you for asking the questions. My best to you!! :)

ashleek 10-16-2009 12:15 PM

Cathy,

I have heard your story so many times and I guess maybe I am being impatient or I feel where the hell is he? I really just don't know, I feel really confused about the subject and used to be religious when I was a kid but i also had God pounded into my head as a child. A God that I'm not so sure is the God I would want in my life. So, every little thing really helps. I appreciate you all bc I don't want to be preached at, I heard that all my life. I just want to know I'm not all alone.

The thing about the walls that is so true because mine are ten foot tall. UGH!

Astro 10-16-2009 12:19 PM

I didn't really "find" God, ashlee, God was always here but I covered up His presence by filling that God-shaped hole in myself with alcohol. I guess I had to bottom out and find my back to him.

In early recovery I was told that praying is talking to God, and meditating is listening for His answer. I also learned that God always answered prayers, but the answer isn't always yes. Sometimes it's no, most of the time it's "let me show you something better".

I still believe that God is always there, I just have to shut my mind off and quiet the racket that's going on in my head so I can hear Him and have an awareness of His presence. Reading this has always helped me The poem Footprints In The Sand

ashleek 10-16-2009 12:22 PM

Thank You Astro!!

Surlyredhead 10-16-2009 12:30 PM

I just don't think that the Big Guy in the Sky will be upset if you take your time and find your very own path to him. Your relationship with your higher power (I call him God) shouldn't make you feel bad, or make you feel like you are doing something wrong. Take your time and go easy on yourself. There are no mistakes in this one, only healing and comfort in what ever you choose. I think you were very brave to ask the question, it is how we learn.

Cathy

NewBeginning010 10-16-2009 12:50 PM

Its okay to imagine your higher power/God in whatever way feels good to you right now. Just something outside of yourself that can help you in times of struggle while admitting that you are powerless over your DOC.

Lots of support available in the step forums Step 2 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Take Care,

NB

tricky164 10-16-2009 12:52 PM

For me, god is, whatever it is that has kept me alive up until now, whatever it is that has stopped me getting a life prison sentance.

cant explain it, dont have to. just know that its always been there and its loving and caring !!.

dont search for god......... he isnt lost, we are.

god bless.

goofers 10-16-2009 02:28 PM


Originally Posted by tricky164 (Post 2401853)
For me, god is, whatever it is that has kept me alive up until now, whatever it is that has stopped me getting a life prison sentance.

cant explain it, dont have to. just know that its always been there and its loving and caring !!.

dont search for god......... he isnt lost, we are.

god bless.

amen

Jomey 10-16-2009 02:41 PM

I have heard a lot of people say that "God writes straight with crooked lines" - As you seek Him (or Her or any god of your understanding), there may be a lot of trips down the wrong path, and surely a lot of emotion, from elation to anger, but as Astro's poem points out and another poster said, He is not lost, you are not alone...He's there....talk to Him, listen for His Voice, and tell Him how you feel. Cry to Him about your feelings, tell Him you feel lost, tell Him you are impatient....just like you would talk to us....He will answer, you will find your way....He promised.

Jomey

NewMe11109 10-16-2009 03:22 PM

Until I was ready to accept God in a more traditional way, I just substituted "Higher Power" for every time I saw the word "God" in the Big Book. I defined higher power simply as "something bigger than myself" and left it at that.

Don't make it too complicated and, if the concept is making you angry, please don't focus on it so much. It sounds arrogant to substitute SR or AA for "God" but I am perfectly comfortable saying that SR or AA is my higher power.

Remember, the Big Book was written many years ago and so some of the language is dated. Focus on the message not the words.

Wolfchild 10-16-2009 03:31 PM

Much of my life i felt distant from God because of my misunderstandings.
God is truly perfect and should not get his hands dirty dealing with me.
God is so above everything, how could he care about someone like me.
God is harsh and judgemental, if i approach Him he will quickly condemn me.
God has never made a mistake and just wouldn't understand what i've done.
God would expect too much of me if i tried to do his will & follow his direction.
God is unapproachable if i am not a member of the right religious community.

i am very grateful the literature suggests that i develope a working knowledge of God. i can leave beyond any preconceptions of who or what i think God is & find my own understanding. i can use the evidence all around me to discover the true nature of God. i can come to realize God's character in the actions of another alcoholic/addict helping me to stay clean & recover daily. My belief can grow as i learn to adjust my attitudes in a positive way & continue to make progress (rather than perfection). i can trust the love God has for me in becoming free of self obsession and the insanity of addiction. Fear, which prevented me from having an open & honest relationship with God, fades in the light of living a new way of life. Each day is an opportunity to find what works for me in the here & now and to cast aside the old ideas that didn't work for me. It's a one day at a time way of living life on life's terms.

Give yourself a break & just ask for the sight to see the obvious.
Easy does it ashleek, you will not come to believe all in one day.

Gypsy Feet 10-16-2009 03:45 PM

I took baby steps to open myself up spiritually. When I was a teen, my best friend died. Weird things happened that convinced me I wasn't alone, that somehow he was getting a message to me that he was o.k.

That was the only concept I allowed in my life for the next 25+ years, that somehow we aren't alone, and that in the end we are more than food for the worms.

When I got sober, I had some things that were Too BIG for me to handle. My marriage was a wreck, I was living in terror of losing my daughter (for no reason except she was My Life), and I knew nothing of myself. As I walked around alone all day, I would converse with the universe/god/my loved ones lost/ who ever was "up there" listening.

I was terrible at it. I felt like the worst kind of fraud, because why would a god who could tell I didn't really believe listen or help me?

And soon enough, I kid you not, there were Signs. The weird things started happening. Doors I asked for help opening came open. Troubles I asked removed from my heart were removed.

I am crying writing this=) It is a scary, wonderful, comforting and humbling thing to have a spiritual awakening.

How do we as humans get by without this connection to the rest of the universe?

I did it for a long time, but I will never go back. For me, accepting that something more powerful than myself holds me in the palm of his/her/its hand and loves me is like stepping into the sunlight for the first time.

rondfw777 10-16-2009 03:48 PM

He knocks at the door of your heart. When you decide to open the door is your choice. God will never force you to do something you don't want to do. But our concept of God sometimes is that he is a Bell Hop! Ring the bell in a time of need,instead of thanking him daily for all the good things.

God Bless all!

Dee74 10-16-2009 05:02 PM

Hi Ashlee.

One of the best books I read in the past year was The Shack.

One of its central ideas is that God is a ever loving parent. He will travel any road to have an encounter with humanity - and I believe that...but so often we're not open to those encounters because of various things that are blinding us or diverting us.

I was born with cerebral palsy - I always, at a very deep level, felt I had a lot of reason to hate and resent God.

That alone kept me from any kind of spiritual connection, even tho I desperately searched for one.

Hitting the devastation of my alcoholic bottom wiped the slate clean for me - I was able to start off from scratch - it was a miracle I was alive, it was a miracle I was more or less healthy, it was a miracle that I was staying clean and sober...

I figured that maybe there was more to this God bloke than I'd figured.

Since then the more I open the 'doors and windows' of my heart, the more I break down those 10 foot walls...the more reconnected to my spirituality I've become.

Don't make a big deal of it - just find the things you're grateful for, find the miracles...and think about where they came from :)

D

Freedom1990 10-16-2009 05:22 PM


Originally Posted by ashleek (Post 2401814)
Cathy,

I have heard your story so many times and I guess maybe I am being impatient or I feel where the hell is he? I really just don't know, I feel really confused about the subject and used to be religious when I was a kid but i also had God pounded into my head as a child. A God that I'm not so sure is the God I would want in my life. So, every little thing really helps. I appreciate you all bc I don't want to be preached at, I heard that all my life. I just want to know I'm not all alone.

No, you're not alone. I was raised in a very strict Catholic home, and I can assure you the God of the Catholic church's understanding and of my parents' understanding is not the God I have today. :)

My first steps towards believing were simply seeing what was happening in the rooms of AA, and coming to realize I wanted what those people had, and there obviously was a power greater than myself in those rooms.

It was a gradual process. You sound much like me when I was early in recovery, and I wanted what I wanted right then and there!

:ghug2

mariechi 10-16-2009 05:29 PM

There's some great stuff in this thread.

I've always felt that God was with me and protecting me, too -- well, oftentimes I'd forget. And sometimes I get really po'd at God. Good thing he/she is more loving and understanding and forgiving than I can even grasp the concept of.

One really annoying thing I've found about God is that he/she doesn't seem to want to work on my timetable or in the way I feel is best. But, grudgingly, I have to admit that he/she usually does know best.

Not any really good answer in this post, but well...

barb dwyer 10-16-2009 05:54 PM

Hi Ashlee -
Your posts remind me of me in early sobriety -
I was in a hurry and wanted it all to happen right away.

Much of this life of sobriety thing takes time.

What I try to tell my sponsees
notice I said *try*
is

one thing at a time.

To you,
since you asked for someone who's worked the steps
(we never stop, really - not if we're going to STAY sober)

my advice first and a good place to be at the start
is to find a sponsor.

We've got these sayings that people cringe at hearing
but after you've been around a while
they suddenly make sense
and one of them is

first things first.

in working toward a solution
working it the AA way, that is -

watch the people in your group.
the woman you see there
who is centered, speaks with knowing about the program
and life
the woman who has some sober time on her side
maybe she's poised, or otherwise shows that she has what you want

is the person you ask to be your sponsor.

Then together -
the both of you will work on the first step.

And that's how it starts.

For now - let the rest take care of itself.

Good for you!
You're actually reading the book!

getr345 10-16-2009 06:13 PM

A Higher Power can be anything, for me it's the Universe.

Read The Secret and see how the Universe truly can be and IS a higher power, and can then be used in the context of the 12 Steps, all you have to do is be able to see that there are powers greater (higher) than you and if planetary formation, black holes, the infinity of space, and gravity don't do it for ya, what will you know?

Good luck...read The Secret....:herewego


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