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ashleek 10-16-2009 11:40 AM

I need your HELP desperately
Okay so today I am reading through the big book for the first time and I am so p!ssed off. I am now feeling mad at myself, mad at others but what I am struggling with right now is I am so p!ssed at God or that I can't find God or that I don't know what God is.

So, for somone who has worked the steps if you would be kind enough to help me on this issue of how did you find your spirituality or God or whatever you found. I don't have a sponsor haven't worked the steps but I really need to work this out and I don't know what to do.


biravatch65 10-16-2009 11:44 AM

I've heard that any relationship begins with communication. Try to have a dialogue with whatever god is. Do a lot of listening.

yeahgr8 10-16-2009 11:45 AM

I got a sponsor and talked to them about these sort of concerns, i mean talking about it for hours over coffee not something that someone can sum up in a post IMO:-)

ashleek 10-16-2009 11:52 AM

Well anything would be great, a story of someone finding something.....just something. I know this sometimes takes time. Not all of us get it all at once.

goofers 10-16-2009 11:55 AM

God is?
God can simply be found in your heart and the very soul of yourself. He is there always and waiting for you to call on him. He gives us our needs, not necessarily our wants. He will never give you more than you can carry. You don't need elaborate prayers, just a sincere desire to be free from the shackles of your demons. He will hear you and not every one hears bells and whistles, but a feeling of calm. You must mean it in your heart and try to follow his teaching the best you can and seek out a church that best fits your thirst for knowledge and fellowship. I sincerley hope you find him as he has become my savior after almost 40 years away from him.......Love all even your enemies. I'm praying for you.

bananagrrrl 10-16-2009 11:55 AM

Have you read We Agnostics yet? That is a pretty good chapter to start off with. Which is all you have to do, find a starting place.

gravity 10-16-2009 11:57 AM

When I started the steps, my sponsor asked me one simple question...

What gives you strength?

In the past, I have met many challenges by thinking of my late father or my young children. Their spirit & their love. Definitely gives me strength, more than I have on my own.

As I worked through the steps, God of my understanding has grown but I still often go back to basics.

ashleek 10-16-2009 12:02 PM

Originally Posted by bananagrrrl (Post 2401789)
Have you read We Agnostics yet? That is a pretty good chapter to start off with. Which is all you have to do, find a starting place.

I have and sadly enough that is what brought on all this anger. I was just so mad maybe at myself, maybe at God, I really don't know but that chapter really got me upset. I guess maybe it could be fear, isn't that what they say in AA that most emotions lead back to our fears. But I don't know what I fear.

Keep on posting I'll maybe figure this out a little.

keithj 10-16-2009 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by ashleek (Post 2401771) did you find your spirituality or God or whatever you found. I don't have a sponsor haven't worked the steps but I really need to work this out and I don't know what to do.


Knowing that you don't know (Ch. 71 of Tao Te Ching) is a great place to start.

I found a higher power of my understanding by taking the 12 steps with a knowledgeable sponsor exactly as they were outlined in the book. And that whole phrase 'higher power of my understanding' doesn't even sit well with me some years later. As the result of the steps, I had what is called a spiritual awakening. I felt that power in my life, and it revolutionized my outlook on just about everything. No burning bush thing, just a smoldering warmth that has burned brighter over time.

I came into AA as a staunch atheist who thought the idea of a higher power was a crutch for weak minded people. That was my prejudice. I didn't have to do anything except know that I needed to find that power in my life, and take the actions set before me.

Was I willing to believe in the possibility of a higher power? That's the bare minimum requirement, and it was all I had. I wasn't really even too hopeful for that, but I had nothing to lose. So I started taking the steps, and gradually found that Great Reality deep within. And when I say gradual, I mean that I felt that power a couple months into the process. Somewhere in Steps 9-10, but really all along. My concept has evolved and my faith in whatever has deepened over time.

I think it's paramount to start from scratch, at the beginning, with a good sponsor. I can't tell you how many people I've seen fail with the notion of a two step program. Don't drink and believe in God. The problem with that is, belief in God 'out there' does nothing for me. I have to find the God in my heart for it to work in my life. And I do that by taking the actions that are specifically laid out.

You'll get a ton of feedback in the 12 Step forums, or feel free to PM me.

Surlyredhead 10-16-2009 12:05 PM

:hug: I know it was hard for me to find my spirituality when I first got into recovery. (I can only speak for myself I am not trying to tell you what you need to do, your relationship with your higher power is a very personal thing) I was also mad at God, in fact, I was burnt up!!! I wondered how he could have possibly abandoned me the way that he did. How could he have possibly let all those horrible things happen to me. I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve that! Then, after about 30 days(or so) , I had what I could only call a Spiritual Awakening, I realized that it was ME who turned my back on God. I ignored everything I had been taught about how to live right and how to treat people, and myself. When I finally realized that God had been waiting for me to come back to him, it was as if a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders and I felt like everything would be okay. It was the first time I felt that in many years. I have never been a church going person, and I am still not one today, I don't preach to people and I really don't like it when I am preached to by others. It was more of an inner peace that I still hold within my heart today. I realized that if I wasn't being looked after when I was out there, I would probably be dead....or worse, I may have killed an innocent person.

I suppose the point I am trying to make is this, when we are ready to let down the inner walls we took so long to build (to protect ourselves from being hurt) and we are willing to ask God back into our lives He will be there. It is not something you can rush, and there is no set time limit you need to worry about. When you are truly ready for God to come "home", you will realize he was there all along! It was a wonderful feeling for me, it was like my entire being and soul was wrapped in the best hug ever!

I hope you find what you are looking for....:hug:


pennylane2009 10-16-2009 12:07 PM


I find some solace in thinking about "god" simply as the electricity that runs through all of us. We really do have an electrical charge in our bodies, and for me, connecting with "god" means plugging in with other people. When people say they "turn x over to god," for me, that means letting go of the illusion that I can control something, and trusting that talking to other people who have been through similar experiences can help me get through this, too.

That's it. The image I have of god in my head is really just a bunch of blue lights. I don't know why blue.

Good luck. I have been turning away from AA lately because of the whole religion aspect, but I do believe there is strength in numbers.


vegibean 10-16-2009 12:13 PM

Hey ashlee, I am going to go way off the "God" topic and tell you works for ME!!

I do not believe in a god, I have found for myself that I would often get p*ssed off, want to blame, etc. and not to mention I really never hear anything back from that God.

Long story short.........I use what I have already inside me.

When I feel down, I talk to myself. I meditate. I know that if I practice self honesty that I will have the best answers for myself. And by the way, that DOES MEAN if I need a good @ss kicking, so be it, I give myself one. I also encourage myself and am the best [email protected] cheerleader I have. I know I can depend on myself to get whatever tasks done and that when I wake up in the morning, it's going to me, that makes me happy.

What gave me hope and kept my faith alive in the beginning was looking to all the others before me that struggled and succeeded with their sobriety. It didn't matter if they believed in God, or what their preference was but their motivation and strength to keep going, stay sober and have a better life drove me to say "Self, I can do this if they can!!" Girl, I am the Queen of my Castle today.

I just recently spoke at a meeting and it's been what I've shared with others as well...... if someone would have shown me two years ago where I would be today, I would have thought I won the damn lottery. My life was bad, I was miserable, despaired, depressed, name it. Bad, bad, bad!!

I do suggest getting a sponsor and working the steps. I did, they will give you the tools to help you work out your issues and get through life's challenges. Calling a sponsor keeps accountable every day too. ;)

This is your recovery, you can make it custom to what works for you. For most we share the same path to getting there but everyone has something they like to tweak here and there for themselves, GO FOR IT!!!! Whatever works for you.

Good for you for asking the questions. My best to you!! :)

ashleek 10-16-2009 12:15 PM


I have heard your story so many times and I guess maybe I am being impatient or I feel where the hell is he? I really just don't know, I feel really confused about the subject and used to be religious when I was a kid but i also had God pounded into my head as a child. A God that I'm not so sure is the God I would want in my life. So, every little thing really helps. I appreciate you all bc I don't want to be preached at, I heard that all my life. I just want to know I'm not all alone.

The thing about the walls that is so true because mine are ten foot tall. UGH!

Astro 10-16-2009 12:19 PM

I didn't really "find" God, ashlee, God was always here but I covered up His presence by filling that God-shaped hole in myself with alcohol. I guess I had to bottom out and find my back to him.

In early recovery I was told that praying is talking to God, and meditating is listening for His answer. I also learned that God always answered prayers, but the answer isn't always yes. Sometimes it's no, most of the time it's "let me show you something better".

I still believe that God is always there, I just have to shut my mind off and quiet the racket that's going on in my head so I can hear Him and have an awareness of His presence. Reading this has always helped me The poem Footprints In The Sand

ashleek 10-16-2009 12:22 PM

Thank You Astro!!

Surlyredhead 10-16-2009 12:30 PM

I just don't think that the Big Guy in the Sky will be upset if you take your time and find your very own path to him. Your relationship with your higher power (I call him God) shouldn't make you feel bad, or make you feel like you are doing something wrong. Take your time and go easy on yourself. There are no mistakes in this one, only healing and comfort in what ever you choose. I think you were very brave to ask the question, it is how we learn.


NewBeginning010 10-16-2009 12:50 PM

Its okay to imagine your higher power/God in whatever way feels good to you right now. Just something outside of yourself that can help you in times of struggle while admitting that you are powerless over your DOC.

Lots of support available in the step forums Step 2 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Take Care,


tricky164 10-16-2009 12:52 PM

For me, god is, whatever it is that has kept me alive up until now, whatever it is that has stopped me getting a life prison sentance.

cant explain it, dont have to. just know that its always been there and its loving and caring !!.

dont search for god......... he isnt lost, we are.

god bless.

goofers 10-16-2009 02:28 PM

Originally Posted by tricky164 (Post 2401853)
For me, god is, whatever it is that has kept me alive up until now, whatever it is that has stopped me getting a life prison sentance.

cant explain it, dont have to. just know that its always been there and its loving and caring !!.

dont search for god......... he isnt lost, we are.

god bless.


Jomey 10-16-2009 02:41 PM

I have heard a lot of people say that "God writes straight with crooked lines" - As you seek Him (or Her or any god of your understanding), there may be a lot of trips down the wrong path, and surely a lot of emotion, from elation to anger, but as Astro's poem points out and another poster said, He is not lost, you are not alone...He's to Him, listen for His Voice, and tell Him how you feel. Cry to Him about your feelings, tell Him you feel lost, tell Him you are impatient....just like you would talk to us....He will answer, you will find your way....He promised.


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