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Old 10-16-2009, 02:46 AM   #21 (permalink)
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TB, I could give you a swift kick to the frontal lobe, but you already know the deal. I don't think you want to drink yourself to death, you're just stuck in the cycle. You can get out of it, just like many people here have. You're smart, strong, sensitive and resourceful, and you can do it. You're a survivor. I remember you talking about a really good AA meeting you went to a while back, the people were friendly and supportive, and you felt human. I reckon it's time to speak to your doctor about detox again and make some regular bus trips to the meetings. What do you think?
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Old 10-16-2009, 02:54 AM   #22 (permalink)
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No, I don't want to drink myself to death... I'm familiar with a few quicker ways to the same end. You're right, I just get caught up, to a point where sobering up is as scary as drinking more.

I'm already going on Saturday to that same AA meeting in Hollywood I went to last week... I felt somehow connected to it, to the people in it. That's what I miss out of life, that's what I've been replacing with 80 proof...

Don't know about detox... I've only drank a few bottles in the last few days. How many do you need to drink before it's a medical detox again? Ain't that about something when I'm thinking like that? I suppose realistically somebody 120 pounds shouldn't probably drink any number of bottles in 2.5 days--and I'm feeling all good that I haven't gotten up to 2 fifths a day (only one).

I can't be the only one who all of a sudden notices their life is surreal.
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Old 10-16-2009, 03:06 AM   #23 (permalink)
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I'm glad to hear about the meeting on Saturday. I don't know about the detox, but stopping under a doctors' supervision is safer and less scary.

My life is still surreal and frequently absurd, even without the booze.
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Old 10-16-2009, 04:32 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Bubba, your posts have really rung some bells with me. I've basically been on my own for all of my adult life and I used alcohol (beer in my case) as my constant companion. It made me feel less lonely and quite frankly, it made me feel REAL GOOD. But, it also knocked me on my ass like nothing else. Just about 4 months ago I found myself in the hospital with an I-V stuck in my arm and a doctor telling me what I never wanted to admit to myself...that I was an alcoholic and needed to stop NOW. Talk about surreal! I've never felt as lonely and out of control as I did on that fateful day. I'll never forget how it felt thinking that I could never again turn to my friend, beer, to help me get through life. And I'll admit those first few weeks were TOUGH...the toughest thing I've ever had to do. But, here I am, nearly 4 months later and I've never felt better in my entire life! I'm no longer going through life just waiting for that next beer. Now I enjoy each and every sober day, my only regret that I didn't realize all of this sooner. I can't count the number of times I decided to quit, only to fall back harder and faster than before. This time feels different, this time I feel free for the first time in nearly 30 years.

I only hope that it doesn't take you as many years as it did for me to realize that alcohol is all a lie...a thief that takes and takes until you wake up one day and realize there's nothing left for it to take, except your sanity and possibly even your life itself.
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Old 10-16-2009, 04:34 AM   #25 (permalink)
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thirtybubba one day, I pray soon, you will tire of this all, if you are like me, alcohol will eventually convince you that it is not a solution for a damn thing in life........... or it will kill you.

For way to many years alcohol was my solution, it was what I did when I was happy or sad, eventually alcohol OWNED me, I drank when I did not want to drink because I had to drink, I could not funtion in any reasonable acceptable manner without drinking.

Even though I knew alcohol was going to kill me one day it was the ONLY solution I had for anything, drinking became my life.

In detox, all of the meds they were giving me to keep the shakes, the seizures, my blood pressure, and my anxiety under control became my temporary solution. Well the last morning I was in detox that solution was removed, it was time for me to leave detox and my old solution alcohol was SCREAMING at me!!!!

Well in detox they told me if I wanted a CHANCE, just a CHANCE at long term sobriety, I should go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days & get a sponsor.

As I walked away from detox out to my truck life seemed dead and empty..... Yes I was sober for the first time in 5 years, but that was it! I was sober and all I wanted was to stop & get a 12 pack for the ride home! Yet at the same time I knew that if I kept on drinking I was assured of losing everything I had left and drinking myself to a slow lonely death, I did not want to die alone, I did not want to drink really, I wanted/needed a SOLUTION for life and the only one I had known for many years was alcohol!

Well I did a lot of praying on that drive home and was granted the will power to not stop for a 12 pack even though I was going nuts for one!

Well I did want a CHANCE to stay sober so I went to an AA meeting that night & I got a sponsor.

I went to far more then 90 AA meetings in 90 days...... you see I was willing to do what ever it took to STAY sober.

The meeting alone gave me HOPE, the experience of those people who had long term sobriety told me that the SOLUTION I sought to replace alcohol only partially lay in meetings and the fellowship, The FULL SOLUTION lay in the 12 steps and the fellowship!

Those folks who had been sober for many years, who had that twinkle in thier eye and an air of serenity and peace about them, shared that what they had, they had as a result of taking the steps with thier sponsor, applying the steps daily to all areas of thier lifes and passing the message on to others. They said if I wanted what they had....... A SOLUTION that allowed them to live life on lifes terms that I should do as they did.


thirtybubba The fellowship and the program of AA were my SOLUTION, I found for me the key to long term sobriety was to find a SOLUTION other then alcohol for life.

thirtybubba do you have a SOLUTION for life other then alcohol?

What is your solution when the whole world seems to be going wrong?

What is your solution when you are lonely or depressed?

What is your solution when you have a cold?

I would strongly suggest that when are are willing to do what ever it takes to STAY sober you seek out a SOLUTION for your life that in no way involves alcohol.

Can you name one problem that you have had in your life that you solved with alcohol?

I could not! I KNOW with out a doubt that there is not a SINGLE problem in this world that can come my way that alcohol can solve....... But I have found a SOLUTION that works for me that will help me solve or handle ANYTHING and a drink of any type is not a part of it.
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Old 10-16-2009, 04:40 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Socially active, but no friends...
Wow TB i can so relate to that, i knew so many people and a lot of people knew who i was...not one friend in the end...not for the lack of people trying to be my friend though, although it was usually met, from me, with i'm not your friend you are a peasant!...great one Cliff?!

I've got a few friends that i have met through AA now, it's nice to have friends...i think i might make some more...You willl too:-)
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Old 10-16-2009, 06:04 AM   #27 (permalink)
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I would undoubtedly have recovered much faster without the alcohol.
Simplicity and clarity at it's finest!! Applicable for the beginning, the end, & everything in between!!
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Old 10-16-2009, 06:04 AM   #28 (permalink)
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I go to sleep alone, listening to the partying... and wonder.
-TB.

Hang in there TB!!

God that quote of yours jumped out at me as i just read it. It encapsulated in a beautifully simplistic but incredibly poignant way exactly what I used to think/feel. Such a lonely and sad place and man was I depressed. How had I become this lonely person? I would gratefully take my next drunken binge as at least I didn't have to feel depressed at least for a few hours, only to end up making myself feel worse after acting totally irrationally and wasted in front of people and so feeling even more depressed/ashamed. So I just used to drink alone...

Hang in there and realise that the only way that you are gonna be able to stop feeling like this is by never taking that first drink. That is the one that gets ya... Took me untill this stetch of 100days sober to truly "get it". Sure I never used to have any intention of only drinking one, I would always buy 9 cans minimum and the first 3 would be gone in a matter of minutes but it was ultimately the first one which set the cycle back in motion again and planted the poisonous seed back into my mind/body.

Take Care and know that all that you need to succeed is already inside of you... You just need to find it that's all.

Peace and love xxxx
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Old 10-16-2009, 06:18 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Hey thirty. You have already gotten so much support, advise and suggestions. I've been there too. For me, I just had to get to a point where it was so bad.......I would hate to see you go as far down as I did. My best to you. Keep posting!!!
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Old 10-16-2009, 06:39 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Vegi, I'd hate to fall so far down... no offense to anyone. I truly hope to catch myself--and have half an arrogance about it no less.

I grew up the daughter of a skid row heroin addict and a backwoods alcoholic. Know far too much about life since far too young... Somehow that's kept me strong enough, and I don't want to lose that, because I know exactly where the bottom is. And I've never been near it, nor do I care to be. Although I know a lot of people there by first name...

I suppose I'll bounce back like I always do... but Taz, you triggered something--maybe it was timing, your message hasn't changed much. I need a better plan, and the truth is, until lately, I never figured I could have a better plan. It was just maintenance till I escaped this state... but last week I met some people who--whether they cared or not--were at least nice enough to notice me. So I gotta think it all through again....

Neo, imagine if the "first one" was, say, a green lolipop. We'd never be where we are, huh? Keep staying sober... I'll be joining you promptly... they say we don't belong in society, but we do alright when we put our minds to it. Okay, I'm partly evil....

-TB.
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Old 10-16-2009, 07:03 AM   #31 (permalink)
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It's an invisible problem in broad daylight.

Most people knew about me...I didn't try to hide. There were plenty of jokes about my drinking...I joked along. I went to a party school...so no one thought my behavior was out of the norm...or if they did think it was excessive NO ONE SAID A WORD.

It didn't matter...I wouldn't have listened. I drank my way through school, graduated, and hung around the town for a couple more years.

I knew my problem was serious...more blackouts...several empty boxes of wine taking up residence in my apartment....drunk at work. I couldn't stop...so I moved back home to live with my parents. It didn't work. I still found ways to drink and hide it...but my parents knew and commented about it. All that did was p!ss me off. I wouldn't listen to anyone...I really needed help. Some time later heart palpitations scared me into quitting...but quitting didn't stick. I found this web site and was a chronic relapser. I hit a turning point back in March: drink or kill myself. Those were my only options...I was mentally sick. I did drink...but I also reached out for help. Long story a little shortened, therapy and meds helped me immensely and I still use SR as a part of my recovery.

When I reached out for help I finally admitted that I had a mental illness...depression. I was in denial about that far longer than I was about my alcoholism.

The depression hit before my drinking problem did. I couldn't convince myself that something was wrong with my head and I needed serious help...so I found some relief in alcohol. Before I knew it I picked up addiction along the way.

Take care of yourself, TB. Get to a meeting. Talk to a counselor. Whatever you do, reach out for help.
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Old 10-16-2009, 07:18 AM   #32 (permalink)
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TB- I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. It seems like you have fought your way through life already. Don't let alcohol stop you from reaching your full potential. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I saw everything too. I have children that are probably older than you and I didn't become an alcoholic until I started drinking in my 40's. But it got me anyway. I have a husband who thinks AA is a cult but I would like to join just for the friends. I think if you attend meetings it can only help you and believe a young person who truly does not want to drink needs AA for the friends alone. Good luck and keep posting. Most people your age who have a bad problem with alcohol are not looking for a solution so you are a step ahead already.
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Old 10-16-2009, 02:45 PM   #33 (permalink)
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TB,

I don't have a lot of advice to offer you because I'm still struggling myself, but you obviously know you need to quit drinking because you sought out SR in the first place. I can relate a lot to what you're saying - I'm in college too, and it is EXTREMELY difficult to avoid alcohol in a college setting (especially at a big party school like mine). I know what you mean when you say you're socially active but not have friends. I'm the same way. I always have places I COULD be, but I usually get drunk and fall asleep before I get the chance to go out. Most nights I was passed out by 6 or 7. I understand the lonliness that goes along with it. I wish you luck, stay strong, and keep us posted!
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Old 10-17-2009, 11:20 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Well, y'all, last night I finally got the "courage" (not sure if that's the right word) to just not go get another bottle.

And I don't feel so good at all, but I know I have to go through this to get to the feeling good part.

I'm going into the city to go to that AA meeting I went to last time, 'cause I said I would and I'm getting tired of breaking my promises to myself. Thank you all :ghug2

-TB
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Old 10-17-2009, 12:09 PM   #35 (permalink)
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If the meeting you've been going to is in the rec center there, I've gone to it and it's a great meeting. Problem is, you need to start hooking up with the people who attend, and as I recall a lot of them are your age. Start getting phone numbers, make some friends, and most importantly get a sponsor. Just sitting in a meeting isn't going to stop you from drinking. You're at that point where you want to want to stop drinking. (Read it again, it makes sense). And don't limit yourself to one meeting a week. As I recall, there's a great Wednesday meeting there also. And pay close attention to what everyone else has said here. We've been there. You have a choice as to follow our advice or not.
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Old 10-18-2009, 12:00 AM   #36 (permalink)
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I don't know how old you are TB but I wish I'd stopped when I knew I had a problem.
By 21 there was no doubt that I was drinking alcoholically.
I'm now 34 and all those years are lost in what can only be described as chaos!
I know others have lost even longer than me.

There was a phrase I read many years ago that went like this:
'Keep doing what you're doing and you'll kep getting what you've got.'
I think I've finally got what it meant.

There are some things in life which are outside of my control. But I believe, if I don't pick up that first drink.....
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Old 10-18-2009, 12:02 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Of course, the hardest bit is not picking up that first drink!
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Old 10-18-2009, 12:30 AM   #38 (permalink)
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I'm 29. I've lost most my life, and all my adulthood...

Don't know where to fit in anymore. Yeah, I'm just depressed coming off the euphoria of earlier, but that's not a new idea for me. The whole world is just confusing to me, how people interact and so on. The last time I fit in was in the street life as a child/adolescent. I am absolutely totally out of my league nowadays--and so far from anything I know I can barely make connections between actions I see on people around me and the emotion/behavior they represent...although I am learning (trial by fire is always fun). When I first came to school, I thought everybody hated me--they kept smiling at me...lol. Different gestures, different meanings... don't know any that are universal, and I haven't been that far really.

Anyways, I did go to that meeting, and after I talked to some people for maybe a half an hour. A few of them told me I'd be better off going to a meeting nearer my house--which I understand, but I tried that and they weren't friendly at all, sometimes downright hostile. They said I was an inconvenience--that doesn't make me want to go really. A farther away meeting might deny me the ability to hang out with them, but that seems to apply anywhere without a car. And any nonprofessional human interaction is an improvement--well, with the exception of being yelled at all the time which is mostly what I get. So, for now I'll take that. And later, when I can drive again, I guess I'll go back to the next town--it's obviously not friendship when they can't be bothered, but it'd be closer and something to do.

And I have to stop driving, even sober. It's becoming a bad habit, and easier to justify when I was drinking. As I remember the things I did this week, and read some of the things I wrote here (I can only imagine what I said and to who), I shouldn't have been driving for sure.

Shouldn't have been out of my house, or allowed near a computer, for that matter. FWIW, I apologize to all. And I thank all y'all that talked to me in the chat room and read/responded to my posts/PMs. :ghug2

Well, take care now.
-TB, covered in pretend ants and a few real ones just to make it interesting...
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Old 10-18-2009, 05:13 AM   #39 (permalink)
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29 is young Bubba you having lost your life , you have an entire future ahead of you . at your age its hard to get sober , no denying that .. try adding 20 yrs or 30 even on top of that .. its not impossible to get sober and to get a new and improved life . you just gotta want it .. I get you bout not likin some at that meeting were alkis and we have bad days just like everyone else . theyre not there to sugar coat how it works they will just tel you what worked for them . its up to you to decide what you wanna use or not . Now some mite say your not there to make friends your there to get YOU sober .. if you make friends along the way right on . but your there for YOU to get the tools to stay sober . prove them wrong that your are serious go back to that meeting that you were scolded at .. perhaps they were testing you , and besides not every single person you seen there that day will be back ,, example you mite not go back so if someone new was there they mite not see you again . follow my drift ? Soberity isnt easy it takes work its a matter of HOW BAD YOU WANT it and what lenghts are you willing to go to GET IT . just my 2 cents ~ Endzy ~
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Old 10-18-2009, 08:18 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Endzy, I appreciate what you're saying re they might be in a bad mood, might not be the same ones etc. And Lord knows, I've tested a few people upon meeting them... probably paying for it now.

The problem with the meeting is... unless I can get a ride I am committing a felony, or walking through all kinds of blocks in the very late night. It is over a half hour's walk from the bus that goes by my house--not a problem in itself--and the last bus leaves out at 8:11, which would leave me to walking for a couple hours, it's about 10 miles away, and I'd have to figure out a way that's safer than the bus goes/I've ever driven it.

Risking jail or assault... just seems like a heck of a risk to prove a point... And yet, the truth is at this point, I'd probably just walk. No use in offending the status quo of society down here with my inconvenient self. I reckon that's why I don't mind going all the way up into the city for the other one, where nobody even heard of the name of the town I live in--it makes me less inconvenient and people nicer.

I don't know. I really don't--my mind is torn up with trying to explain things to myself, sobriety things, school things, family things, social life (or lack thereof) things, too many things and my brother might have told me the truest thing of all back in the day: "Why are you leaving [here, ie to go get a legal job]? They are never going to accept you, they'll let you walk with them to make themselves feel good about themselves is all." Okay, I cleaned that up a bit. But it seems so true. I've outlived my cuteness, now I'm just inconvenient. And it's too late to go back.


Right now I got more serious problems here at these dorms, and I don't pretend to understand how I am going to suffer by the horror of them doing my chores for me, although I gotta admit trying to figure out their plan has been stressing me out a bunch. Opened a drawer earlier looking for candy half hoping there'd be a bottle.

But I got through all the rest of today just fine, no real ups or downs, even though the internet took a dive for a few hours. And I'll be okay, closing out day 2 part x. Updated my calendar, and counted, and even though I'm far from doing good here, I still technically have more smilies than letters.

Take care y'all.
School tomorrow.
-TB
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