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Old 10-14-2009, 09:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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help i'm freaking out


Ok, so I'm on my 6th day sober now. I was doing so good, and this morning for the first time I woke up feeling great and I had lots of energy.

So I'm at work now, and my boyfriends ex wife just called me. She never calls me. She wanted to tell me that my bf called her because he wanted to let her know he is single now (which he's not) and that he's not speaking to me anymore (which he is). She has caused problems and lied before, but I know she talked to him because of certain things she mentioned. (Like how he left work early yesterday.) He told me he has not spoken to her in weeks.

I can't go home from work because I have a really important meeting later. But I am sitting at my desk, shaking really bad, on the verge of tears... I can't focus on my work or anything other than him betraying me. I can't even confront him about it because he is in a meeting that might last a while. I don't know what to do. I'm just waiting for someone to walk into my office and ask why I'm broken out in hives (that happens when I get really worked up). I feel like I can't even function for the rest of the day, and when I get home, I know I will go straight for a drink... I am so upset right now and need some advice.
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Old 10-14-2009, 09:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome!!!

If I hadn't done so previously. Sounds like a lot of needless drama, and no mention of any kind of plan. What's your plan?
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Old 10-14-2009, 09:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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CALM DOWN. My bf has an ex-wife too. She would do anything to break us up. She's spat all sorts of venom. What if he has talked to her? Why are you giving her all this power? Maybe he deserves the benefit of the doubt. It's probably a good thing that you can't address this right now.

And, no, it is not a reason to drink. There is never again a reason to drink. You cannot control many things in life, but the drink does not help. You know that. No excuses. Breathe deeply and get on with what you need to do today.
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Old 10-14-2009, 09:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
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SailorJohn - Plan? I don't have a plan. I'm just hoping that someday I'll be worth having someone that doesn't cheat on me. I don't know why I'm not good enough, why he has to go running back to her. She's not that great at all so I don't get it. So no, I don't have a plan. I'm just disgusted with myself right now.

And Mariechi - I don't know how you put up with it. I will never date a divorced guy again. Especially because he has kids, I always think that its just a matter of time before they get back together because it would be convenient. And if he told me he talked to her that would have been fine. But he lies about it and hides it from me. Why would he lie if there was nothing to hide? Even if they're not sleeping together, how do I know what is going on if I can't trust him?

I just told him she called me and I needed to talk to him about it. He went in his office and will not answer the phone or text messages. I'm still on the verge of tears trying to function but I can't do anything.
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Old 10-14-2009, 09:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I totally understand 'freak out drinking' as I used to think of it as. I mean, I was FREAKING OUT!! I HAD to drink! The kinda cool thing about staying sober, is that you learn how strong you really are, and how situations can be dealt with so much more effectively and less emotionally with a clear head. Absolutely nothing about drinking tonight will fix anything about whether or not your bf is a liar, a cheat, or some other colorful descriptive.

When I first got sober, and had been for some time.. I started getting pretty confident.. smooth sailing all the way. My counselor reminded me gently that life still happens.. **** still happens. That in sobriety I have GOT to get a plan for how I CHOOSE to react to life when it literally brings me to my knees in anger, despair, pain, or "freak out".

Getting through whatever this is, sober.. will only strengthen you. Getting through it drunk, will be that same old coping mechanism that has yet to work out in your favor.
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Old 10-14-2009, 10:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Please try and put this into sober perspective and at day 6 this might be difficult, because your mind will try and give you reason to drink again. Your BF and his ex have children, there will be contact between them, there has to be for the sake of the kids.
Maybe he is telling the truth, maybe he is not for whatever reason. Could be he knows how you would feel about it. If his ex is out to get you, she will lie and what if he innocently mentioned to her you stopped drinking. Wow what an opportunity to wind you up to start again. Your priority is your sobriety and you give up now and she wins.
You need to try and calm down, breathe and most importantly don't drink. Whatever situation you are facing, sober is the way to do it. You need to keep that pride. Concentrate on your upcoming meeting, go home and find out what has been going on.
Good luck and know you are not alone. I for one will be thinking of you. Hang in there.
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Old 10-14-2009, 10:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I really dont have any good advice. Because I have a really twisted take on men and relationships.
I just wanted to tell you that you dont have to find self worth through anyone. Especially a man.
It doesnt have anything to do with you not being good enough. Some men are just selfish.
I have been in similar situaions in the past. And it ate me up so bad. But I was in my late teens early 20s then.
I use to think there was nothing that felt worse than heart break, Until I became an addict.
This is not worth you drinking over. It will more than likely only make you feel worse. Do and say things that arent even worth your time. Its easy for me to say get rid of him. But I know it isnt that easy sometimes.
I just hope you dont drink over this.
I have recently been going through this with my cousin. Her now LIVE IN boyfriend who is married. I just want to beat that man down after seeing her cry so much over it.
And now is wife found out and put him out and is now living with her. I just dont see good things coming from this at all. And you cant tell her anything. She wants to find out on her own. And she also should already know what she is getting into knowing he is married.
I just have to support her anyway I can and let her learn by herself I guess.

Your not alone.
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Old 10-14-2009, 10:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Collegegirl always remember that a drink will fix nothing but only create more problems.We alcoholics have sick brains that want`s to drink when the smallest problems come along.

Be good to yourself and dont drink just for the next 24 hours.If you have to break it down into 30 minute segments.

Wishing you well.

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Old 10-14-2009, 10:51 AM   #9 (permalink)
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How is drinking going to help this situation?
Doing well is always the best revenge. Hold your head high and don't drink, just for today.
You are worth it!
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:03 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Doing well is always the best revenge. Hold your head high and don't drink, just for today.
Yes!! I love that and try my best to live by that now.
You def make yourself more vulnerable to people when your a mess.
When you love yourself enough to do for yourself. It just gives off an amazing aura of confidence that no one can touch. And I dont mean arrogance.
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Old 10-14-2009, 02:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Lots of good advice here collegegirl. I don't have any relationship advice - I do know that a drink will do nothing but harm you in the long run.

Make a good choice CG
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Old 10-16-2009, 02:03 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Thank you everyone for the good advice. I made it through the work day, and I calmed down after I talked to him. I'm not sure why, because I still knew that he wasn't being honest with me. Everything was fine until that night when we talked about it. We ended up getting in a huge fight and I ended up drinking - not a whole lot but a few glasses of wine.

I really need to stay away from him. He is no good for me at all. But it is so hard because we work together. And whenever I start to distance myself, he turns into the sweetest guy ever. I've been trying to get back in touch with my old friends to try and ease the breakup, so I wouldn't get so lonely. I haven't been doing very well - I never feel like going out and doing anything with my friends. I am always either with him or home alone. I'm trying to get myself back out there but it's hard. I hate being alone.

It's been nice having SR, because no one in my life knows about the alcohol or the relationship problems. So thanks everyone. I really liked the quote "Doing well is always the best revenge. Hold your head high and don't drink, just for today." I've never thought of that before. Haha maybe I will try to just pretend that I'm not a mess and eventually it will become true.
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Old 10-16-2009, 04:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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((Collegegirl))
You said, "I really need to stay away from him. He is no good for me at all. But it is so hard because we work together. And whenever I start to distance myself, he turns into the sweetest guy ever."
You said it yourself, U need 2 stay away from him. He lies and has secrets.
A man can not define YOU, U R so much more. Please dump him. U can do so much better. Distance yr self and let him know that U had enough, U deserve respect and honestly. And so much more.
anvil..,said it best, "Too much drama."
All the best 2 U, stay strong. Do not drink over him.
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Old 10-16-2009, 05:40 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Be kind to yourself and have patience. It sounds like you need some time to yourself to nurture yourself. If you stay focused on your recovery, things will work out.
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Old 10-17-2009, 04:33 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Much to my surprise ...when i got sober.
life still throws up curl balls........and life still has people in that are intent on making others lifes difficult.

staying sober was easy in jail......or hospital.
then theres staying sober in the real world......with all its dips and highs.
twists and turns....

i have no relationship advice to offer..??..im a clueless alpha male.

but i did stay sober and at ease in the big wide world with all its difficulties.
because i found a program of action in the 12 steps..of alcoholics anonymous.

im sorry you find yourself in this position....
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Old 10-17-2009, 06:46 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
I don't know why I'm not good enough
This jumped out at me. Everything in your life is going to be affected by this low esteem attitude you have towards yourself. It is the reason so many of us alcoholics drink: we don't think we are good enough, we are not happy because somewhere along the line we learned we don't deserve to be happy, we drink to be happy and then it blows up in our face because alcohol doesn't make us happy.

You are still young, but nowadays young people are recognising they are alcoholics after only a few short years of drinking, and I am so happy to see this happening. (Yes, that does sound a little odd...but....read on), I waited 25 years to figure out I put the drink to my lips because I was unhappy because I didn't think I was good enough.
Day after day, week after week, month after month and finally year after year.

Percieving that I was not "good enough" brought me almost 3 decades of disastrous choices in both men and life, and...plain and simple unhappiness. Choosing bad relationships is just the tip of the iceburg.
I'm very glad you are here and sharing your experiences with us. I hope that the things we share help you find your way. And don't forgot to....remind yourself: You ARE GOOD ENOUGH!
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