It creeps me out
 

You ever really think about all the people you hurt by being a drunk?

I know I rarely, if ever did and now that I have a bit of time without a drink, it makes me sick to my stomach to really face the fact that I've hurt alot of people. Nauseating? Indeed!

What kind of an animal was I? It makes me sick to think of the countless times I left my exwife alone, have left family members hanging on waiting for me to get my fix,and until lately have left friends and family waiting axiously by the phone to hear that I'm still alive. What kind of hell did I put them through? Do I care about them? Sure, but not as much as I cared about having my drink. I shudder to think.

I used to think about it all the time FS - I couldn't stop....and most times it started me wanting to have a drink to forget it....

The past really is a foreign country - what we've both done is done and can't be undone, not matter how much we wish it.

I'm not excusing myself for anything I did - I still don't know that I forgive myself completely - personally, I came to believe my god does forgive me - and I figure who am I to hold out longer? but thats my view. I'm not imposing it on anyone :)

Even if you're not religious - just don't live with the guilt, mate - it's a useless emotion.

Do what you can in thought and action and turn the rest over to...whatever is greater than you, FS :)

No excuses - but we were different then - and we're changed now...and it's what we can do today that counts.

Don't look back
D

Hi FS,

I also feel bad about some of the things that I have done because of my addiction to alcohol. All I can do is forgive myself as best I can & try my best to make up for it by being the best person I can possibly be from today forward.

Nowhere near perfect yet but a ton better than I was before. Forgiveness for yourself & others is important for us now Firestorm. Just going through these feelings & having these thoughts goes to show that you are a loving, caring person.

Unfortunately you are an alcoholic that has let your desire for booze and the effects it has on you to become your master above and beyond anybody or anything. The good news is we are now sober & able to show everyone (including ourselves) what caring, loving, compassionate people we really are.

We can do this & we deserve to live happy fulfilling lives :ring

Take Care,

NB (a work in progress)

I had to smile at Dee's response. He's the one who saved me from myself in the first months I was here. FS, you must reach the point where you let it go, or you'll sabotage your recovery. Just as I'd begin to sober up and see things clearly, I'd start remembering things I'd said & done. (I'm sure there are plenty of things I did in blackout mode, too.) When those memories began to surface, I'd always grab a drink to numb them. No progress was made until I saw that there'd be no recovery without laying the past to rest and moving on. We need those memories to keep us straight, but they must be kept in perspective.

I finally decided I wasn't put on this earth to wallow around in the past and drink myself to death due to shame and guilt over things I never intended to happen. I know the real me - she is kind and compassionate, not cruel or selfish. My entire existence would be for nothing if I didn't rise up out of the hell I'd put myself in. I now fight those negative thoughts every time they try to resurface. Until I was able to do that my recovery was on hold. If you were truly evil, FS, you wouldn't care how others were hurt by your behavior. I can tell by your posts the sort of person you are. Let that person have a chance at a new life.

for me....i couldn't live with it.

making amends to those people was one option.

carrying around all that shame and guilt and remorse was the other..

I'm not a "kiss me quick happy go lucky" drunk. ....i hurt alot of people....stole lied....cheated.....intimidated...the list is or was endless.

i wrote a list......a big list..........and made a start.

for the first time in my life i dont have to duck and dive....avoiding those people......i dont have to look at the ground.

i still have "idiot" days.........and have to make amends...

But ultimately i found a way where i can live myself.

Dallas as you grow and change in recovery certain things will start to happen. You will learn to forgive yourself, and at the proper time you will make the amends that need to be made.

For right now what you do need to understand is that King Alcohol was first your friend and then became your MASTER. You were the slave, therefore literally had to do what the 'master' wanted.

How much was in my glass? How much was left in the bottle? Where and when and how was I going to get more? My WHOLE life revolved around ALCOHOL at the end, as did yours.

Time, my friend, time. Meetings would be a great place for you to be, when not in class or doing homework, get thy butt to MEETINGS. It is there you will learn how others have gotten through (notice I did not say past, but through ...... we walk through these things now, not past them or away from them) these days of early recovery.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Agree with Laurie about meetings, where you will discover you are a sick person trying to get well not a bad person trying to get good. It gets better and there are many ways we are given the opportunity to give back.

Dee really nailed it. I know my behavior was unacceptable but I make my amends by doing the right thing everyday. I know that had I been sober, the things I did would have never happened. I was not in my right frame of mind. So with that, I cannot sit here and punish myself for that. Doing the right thing everyday shows who I really am. If I don't want to repeat that behavior, I don't pick up. :)

i've come to look at & deal with my past, and the associated feelings about it, through the 12 Steps. i spent alot of time trying to be someone i was not, doing things i should not have been doing, and creating alot of damage along the way. But most of all i harmed myself. i have come to realize that dwelling in excessive shame and guilt about things in the past is just another way my disease and my ego tries to back me into a corner. i can accept my past, present, and future knowing that the God of my understanding loves & cares for me no matter what. Someone shared a phrase with me early in my recovery, "God did not bring you all this way to drop you on your head!". i have meditated on that and found it very helpful when writing about things in Stepwork that were very painful for me to confront. i did not suddenly avoid reality in my active addiction. i did not refuse the truth about what i was doing in one day. i did not place myself in denial all at once. The process of my recovery will take time, the progress of restoration might take the rest of my life. i can either let go and let God without my heart being weighed down by what i've done & continue to move forward OR i can create new resentments toward myself that could lead me back to self deception & active addiction. Just for today, i will stick with what works to stay spiritually connected with God, myself, and society!! This day i will move in harmony and serenity while being guided by a Higher Power!!

i think it's great that your coming to see things about yourself and your life that drugs & alcohol kept hidden from you. Please remember to give yourself a break and stay focused in the here and now. Easy does it Firestorm!

Hevyn said what is in my heart. How do people here do that?!

My kids entire childhood was spent with a drunken mother. How very shameful. I have wallowed in that, but I've stopped. I've turned my life around. And...slowly, my relationship with them is changing. I think the biggest thing is trust. For them, it's hard to trust a drunk and have a productive life, I think.

We are all moving forward. They are learning through my mistakes. There is still major growth as a family...will be for years. The biggest thing...it takes TIME. It didn't get this way in a year, and it's going to take a hell of a lot more time to get it together. That's okay. I have the time, now.

As long as I am living my life in a way that guarantees I will never become that monster again, I'm ok. I do however think it's important to remember the lows that we've come from, and honestly apologize for any wrongdoings that warrant apologies of some sort. I don't want to forget, it drives me to stay clean.

Yes FS, I still feel that way, though not as much as I used to. I think it really is a process. Most of us can't just say, "I'm putting this all behind me" and move on. Some can, but I think it takes time for most of us. I've got about 5 months clean right now, and I still have those times, especiallly at night, where I think about all of the bad times. Oftentimes I can't even remember the good ones, though I know there have to have been some.

I have the same feelings about my ex as you mentioned. We still have a decent relationship, all things considered, but I still have a hard time forgiving myself. In truth, I think she has forgiven me more than I have forgiven myself. It's not as bad as it used to be. I used to spend hours every night whipping myself for all of the things I've done. Now it only comes up occassionally, hopefully someday it will rarely if ever come up.

All I can do is keep doing what I am doing. I can't change the past, no matter how much I want to. I can, however, impact the future. I don't have to repeat those mistakes again and again. While that won't change what has happened, I have to believe that it has to at least have some positive impact on those I have harmed. At least those who still care about me. As for the relationships I've destroyed, there really is nothing I can do about those.

Dee said something I have said for years, but seem to have a hard time putting into actual practice. "Guilt is a useless emotion". I used to say that when I was completely numb and couldn't feel anything anyway. It is harder to accept now that I "feel" my emotions. All we can do is keep plugging away. Head down, feet moving. Take care.

So many times I knew how much I was hurting my family. And what killed me was when I was so aware of it at the time of doing it yet still doing it. Like when I would be high and begging my gram for more money. Seeing her shaking and yelling and crying right before my eyes. All I had to do was shut up and leave her alone. I could have given her a heart attack or a stroke as upset as she would get sometimes. And while I was doing it. I would think, Look what your doing. Just stop. But no..and like Dee said. The more I thought about that. The more I wanted to get higher to block it out.
But now my family, especially my grams dont have to go throguh that **** anymore. And as much of a POS as I was then. They know it wasnt really me. They know and understand that it was the desperation of the drug driving me to be like that.
And now, over time, little by little. I have made my apologies. I have made some amends. And I am doing everything in ym power to ensure I live right so that never ever happens again. And they see it and know without me even having to say a word.
I could sit here and beat the crap out of myself for the countless inexcusable things I did over and over to my family. But I know what I did. I knw I am sorry. And they know it too.
Its time for me to let it go and move on. Never forget. But that is not who I am anymore. And I will never be that person ever again.
You have to let that stuff go in order to be able to move on. There is nothing you can do to change what has been done.
But you can do everything you can to make sure it never happens again.

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions from everyone.

My problem seems a bit different than most, I think it is good for me to think through and recognize the damage I've done, simply because I normally don't do that. Most of the time, to be honest, I really didn't care what harm I did, and even when I knew it was hurting someone, if it meant getting drunk or high, well, I chose the latter, and to hell with the consequences or those I hurt. I did what I wanted to do.

I don't wallow in this stuff, that's just not me. It's a significant change for me to even give a sh!t about what I did. I think that's progress. I know I will make amends, some I've already made, and I will clean up my side of the street as much as possible. I think it's a good sign that I'm beginning to care, because when in the grip of my addiction, the only thing I really cared about was me and ole Jack D, or Mr. Miller, or my ole Bud.

I agree with Dee and all of you, balance and progress are the keys, perfection is not in my makeup, so I'll do the best I can day by day.