I don't want to be her
it's all happening
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ann Arbor, Mich.
Posts: 125
I don't want to be her
My MIL was in town this weekend. She is an alcoholic, living in massive denial. She has agreed to not drink around us anymore, which makes our interactions much more civil, tolerable, and even enjoyable. But it also means she won't stick around for long -- she comes in for two or three days, and then leaves. Which is fine, I guess.
She left yesterday after a great weekend with us and the kids, and then called last night around 9:30, sloshed. Guess she got home and celebrated with a bottle of wine. She wanted to talk to my 9yo, but was slurring her words and acting happy/jokey/belligerent. We talked for probably less than two minutes; I got off the phone as quick as I could.
I still haven't told my husband I am an alcoholic. I am really afraid he's going to hear the word "alcoholic" and connect me with his mother. So I'm trying to work on how I tell him that this is a good thing. I mean, I could continue living in denial, like she is, and eventually one day wreak as much havoc on our lives as she has done to us in the past. Or I can work now on being healthy and sane, and live a serene life.
I am so stressed about this. I keep wanting to say it, and I can't get the words out.
She left yesterday after a great weekend with us and the kids, and then called last night around 9:30, sloshed. Guess she got home and celebrated with a bottle of wine. She wanted to talk to my 9yo, but was slurring her words and acting happy/jokey/belligerent. We talked for probably less than two minutes; I got off the phone as quick as I could.
I still haven't told my husband I am an alcoholic. I am really afraid he's going to hear the word "alcoholic" and connect me with his mother. So I'm trying to work on how I tell him that this is a good thing. I mean, I could continue living in denial, like she is, and eventually one day wreak as much havoc on our lives as she has done to us in the past. Or I can work now on being healthy and sane, and live a serene life.
I am so stressed about this. I keep wanting to say it, and I can't get the words out.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,031
Being in recovery means being as honest with myself as possible, as well as with everyone else. In spite of my worst fears and awfulizing, opening up and telling the truth almost always turns out to be a freeing experience. Much better than bottling it up and sweeping my demons under the carpet. After all, I've got nothing to hide at this point.
The best part is that my relationships usually mend and grow when I'm honest with others, it opens us up to trust and respect.
And as far as you being like your MIL, that's a personal decision, you don't have to be like anyone if you don't like what they have. I think you know what the right choice is
The best part is that my relationships usually mend and grow when I'm honest with others, it opens us up to trust and respect.
And as far as you being like your MIL, that's a personal decision, you don't have to be like anyone if you don't like what they have. I think you know what the right choice is
Well, I'm on my way
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: El Paso, Texas
Posts: 276
I feel for you, Pennylane and wish I had some sage words for you. My experience was I either got the reaction, Yeah, I know you are or, How can I support you?
Maybe the sooner you 'fess up the better. At this point, you've already got some recovery under your belt, if not a lot. That's got to be a point in your favor.
Pulling for you.
Maybe the sooner you 'fess up the better. At this point, you've already got some recovery under your belt, if not a lot. That's got to be a point in your favor.
Pulling for you.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Its always hard to say those words. Especially to ourselves. But it does seem to be on a different level when saying to others.
I will never forget the first time I said out loud to my gram that I was a drug addict. And I really had no choice as I was sorta bein held hostage and needed $100 to pay the dealer back. Yes..Literally hostage. So you can just imagine how that went with me telling her that, theres some scary dude in my car out in the drive way, and by the way, I need $100 so I can get this person out of here. Get the rest of my stuff and my keys back.
I know, not really the same thing. I was just getting deep in my addiciton and was forced to tell her.
I guess what I am saying is you dont want it to be on other terms besides your own when you do tell them.
You got some time clean dont you?. So you are already on the right track. I think that puts you in a different league than your MIL for now. Not meaning that in a bad way.
Good luck. Dont think the worst. Just be honest and do the right thing.
And technically. Your not just an alcoholic. Your one in recovery..Right?
I will never forget the first time I said out loud to my gram that I was a drug addict. And I really had no choice as I was sorta bein held hostage and needed $100 to pay the dealer back. Yes..Literally hostage. So you can just imagine how that went with me telling her that, theres some scary dude in my car out in the drive way, and by the way, I need $100 so I can get this person out of here. Get the rest of my stuff and my keys back.
I know, not really the same thing. I was just getting deep in my addiciton and was forced to tell her.
I guess what I am saying is you dont want it to be on other terms besides your own when you do tell them.
You got some time clean dont you?. So you are already on the right track. I think that puts you in a different league than your MIL for now. Not meaning that in a bad way.
Good luck. Dont think the worst. Just be honest and do the right thing.
And technically. Your not just an alcoholic. Your one in recovery..Right?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I'm with Astro.
I used to lie routinely - often for no reason...since getting sober I've really learned how freeing, how enlightening honesty can be (pardon pun)
It takes a lot of effort to keep secrets.
You're you. Not anyone else. And you're already in recovery like Aysha said. You're doing great.
This is a talk you need to have with your hubby.
When you're ready
D
I used to lie routinely - often for no reason...since getting sober I've really learned how freeing, how enlightening honesty can be (pardon pun)
It takes a lot of effort to keep secrets.
You're you. Not anyone else. And you're already in recovery like Aysha said. You're doing great.
This is a talk you need to have with your hubby.
When you're ready
D
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
The fact that you are here in SR says that you are doing something about your problem. So this is great!
It is my belief that you need the family support, unless telling the person will lead to an abusive situation. I agree with Mariechi - he already knows or is just waiting for you to say it. You will be telling him that you are taking steps to "not be like the MIL" so this should resonate with him.
My spouse has been amazingly supportive through this - and this is a big reason why I think I have been able to get as far as I have.
It is my belief that you need the family support, unless telling the person will lead to an abusive situation. I agree with Mariechi - he already knows or is just waiting for you to say it. You will be telling him that you are taking steps to "not be like the MIL" so this should resonate with him.
My spouse has been amazingly supportive through this - and this is a big reason why I think I have been able to get as far as I have.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
He probably already knows.
Besides that....it's not about him, it's about you. You'll say it when you're ready to.
About your MIL....I'd say that's pretty good incentive to stay sober.
Welcome to SR....glad you're here.
Besides that....it's not about him, it's about you. You'll say it when you're ready to.
About your MIL....I'd say that's pretty good incentive to stay sober.
Welcome to SR....glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 158
It's like that new movie with Ricky Gervais, where he learns the power of how to lie in a society that has never known anything but the truth. But the reverse.
Last edited by chrisinaustin; 10-07-2009 at 07:19 PM. Reason: Wow that was some bad grammar.
it's all happening
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ann Arbor, Mich.
Posts: 125
Thanks everyone for your comments. I told him tonight. He was wonderful. I am feeling emotionally wrung out, or I'd go into it more ... but it's all good. He doesn't think I'm an alcoholic (which I sorta expected he would say) but he's willing to support whatever I want to do. Can't ask for more than that, right?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,486
congratulations! I understand your emotional stress. relax as best you can.
Take a nice hot bubble bath or do something nice for your relaxation.
Your friends here at SR will be with you all along your journey if you let us.
Sincerely,
Missy
Take a nice hot bubble bath or do something nice for your relaxation.
Your friends here at SR will be with you all along your journey if you let us.
Sincerely,
Missy
Cause no harm
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 596
The denial on his part may be his way of protecting you and making things right in his own mind. Sometimes people think if you are not continually falling down drunk and a bottle perpetually in your hand, you are not an alcoholic. I have found many non-alcoholics that feel this way. But count your blessings, give him a big hug, and thank him for being the great understanding guy that he is. And go for the gold, leave the bottle behind.
Padraic
Padraic
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
If he is aware that his mother drinks too much, and dislikes how she is when sloshed, you can always say you don't want to be like her.
95% of my friends and family do not think I am an alcoholic, but almost that same number have been incredibly supportive and/or not made an issue out of my decision to quit, and that works just fine for me. =)
Glad your talk went well
95% of my friends and family do not think I am an alcoholic, but almost that same number have been incredibly supportive and/or not made an issue out of my decision to quit, and that works just fine for me. =)
Glad your talk went well
Its hard for other people to understand addiction when they are not addicted. Rockstar
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 634
Originally Posted by Creekryder 
The denial on his part may be his way of protecting you and making things right in his own mind. Sometimes people think if you are not continually falling down drunk and a bottle perpetually in your hand, you are not an alcoholic. I have found many non-alcoholics that feel this way. But count your blessings, give him a big hug, and thank him for being the great understanding guy that he is. And go for the gold, leave the bottle behind.
Padraic
Padraic
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Feel better Penny? I have a strong feeling you do since you told him. Many of us alkies are notoriuos for "Projecting". I got through a bad case of it last night, as usual I was projecting the worst, I had these snappy yet nasty rebuttals all planned out to say when they started to rake me across the coals...... then my program would kick in and I would start telling myself to quit projecting and to stop the "Blame game" I was planning to rebutt them with. Finally yesterday afternoon I just made a commitment to just turn it over, take what I had earned and keep my mouth shut.
Well I did just that and because I had corrected what I should have been doing all along when the time came all that was basically said was "Thanks for coming, one minor issue left for you to resolve in the next 2 weeks and that is that."
What I had done was to accept the truth myself which was I had done my part & I had to accept that what was going to happen was going to happen and the best thing for me to do was stop projecting the worst and just accept the what ever outcome came out.
As you have found out, the truth will set you free, all of that projecting was of the absolute worst possible out come. We do it all the time, with faith and practice we learn to stop projecting and simply do what we can do and what is out of our hands we just turn over and let be what will be, worrying about stuff out of our control just eats us up.
It takes time to learn this though, I continue to work on it, I am making progress and you will as well, with practice our faith grows and it becaomes easier every time.
Well I did just that and because I had corrected what I should have been doing all along when the time came all that was basically said was "Thanks for coming, one minor issue left for you to resolve in the next 2 weeks and that is that."
What I had done was to accept the truth myself which was I had done my part & I had to accept that what was going to happen was going to happen and the best thing for me to do was stop projecting the worst and just accept the what ever outcome came out.
As you have found out, the truth will set you free, all of that projecting was of the absolute worst possible out come. We do it all the time, with faith and practice we learn to stop projecting and simply do what we can do and what is out of our hands we just turn over and let be what will be, worrying about stuff out of our control just eats us up.
It takes time to learn this though, I continue to work on it, I am making progress and you will as well, with practice our faith grows and it becaomes easier every time.
it's all happening
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ann Arbor, Mich.
Posts: 125
Oh, I feel so much better. So so so much better. I think he's a little befuddled; he says it came out of the blue for him. But we talked about my recent drinking history, and after about twenty minutes of that, I think he was convinced.
One interesting thing that he asked me: He said, "What is my role in this? Am I supposed to discourage you from drinking, or let you do whatever you want?" (He says I tend to throw myself into things and then decide a few weeks later to abandon that ... he says he can see us joking around in a few years about "that time you thought you were an alcoholic.") I said I honestly don't know what to tell him, but will give it some thought. For now, he says he's going to just wait it out and see if I still think I'm an alcoholic in a few months.
Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement to talk to him. I'm glad I did it, of course.
One interesting thing that he asked me: He said, "What is my role in this? Am I supposed to discourage you from drinking, or let you do whatever you want?" (He says I tend to throw myself into things and then decide a few weeks later to abandon that ... he says he can see us joking around in a few years about "that time you thought you were an alcoholic.") I said I honestly don't know what to tell him, but will give it some thought. For now, he says he's going to just wait it out and see if I still think I'm an alcoholic in a few months.
Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement to talk to him. I'm glad I did it, of course.
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Hello, Pennylane
I'm so glad you took this step and the outcome that transpired. I loathe having "hidden secrets" from those who truly love and know me! I think I'm really fooling myself more than anyone else when I do that!
Remember..... Success is Failure turned INSIDE OUT! Thank you for posting!
I'm so glad you took this step and the outcome that transpired. I loathe having "hidden secrets" from those who truly love and know me! I think I'm really fooling myself more than anyone else when I do that!
Remember..... Success is Failure turned INSIDE OUT! Thank you for posting!
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