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Old 10-09-2009, 03:24 PM   #21 (permalink)
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I can SO relate to what you're going through, Hill. You sound a lot like me. Back to day 1 for me...
I'm pretty sure there are a lot just like you and me. I live a normal life, at one point even going to the gym 5+ days a week and then drinking when I got home! How silly is that? Well it is time we put our foot down, don't you think?
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Old 10-09-2009, 03:27 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Wow, you are the first person I have ever talked to who sounds like you know what happens to me. I am the same way, for instance, when I go to the gym, after I have worked out I feel so good in ways that I don't feel any other time of my life. But immediately after working out I have to do something like smoke. I don't know what it is, maybe anxiety?

You sound like you have a nice life other than yelling at the kids. I wish I had someone to roast smores with sometimes. I just make them in the microwave!
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Old 10-09-2009, 06:15 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Wow, you are the first person I have ever talked to who sounds like you know what happens to me. I am the same way, for instance, when I go to the gym, after I have worked out I feel so good in ways that I don't feel any other time of my life. But immediately after working out I have to do something like smoke. I don't know what it is, maybe anxiety?

You sound like you have a nice life other than yelling at the kids. I wish I had someone to roast smores with sometimes. I just make them in the microwave!
Thanks for the complement, yes I'm very blessed. It is quite easy for me to quit, it is another story for me to quit for more than two days. I made it two 45 days once which was cool, never thought I'd come back to the poison, but I fell for the trap.
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:10 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Sounds like me and cigarettes HillTop! Trapped in the 'ole two-day cycle!
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Old 10-09-2009, 11:55 PM   #25 (permalink)
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I was just reading about the concept of surrender tonight. We have all been brought up to believe that surrendering is a bad thing and so we naturally fight against it.

But, sometimes, we need to surrender to the fact that we can't go on the way we have been. We have to surrender to the fact that we can't fix this ourselves.

I'm not saying that AA or a 12-step program is the only way to help, but it sounds a lot like you are approaching Step 1 - that your life is unmanageable and you are powerless over alcohol.

I love to read, so I found that reading the Big Book helped me a lot when I was feeling just as you do now.

Sometimes, unfortunately, we are all too smart for our own good - and our intellect gets in the way of real progress...
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Old 10-10-2009, 01:39 AM   #26 (permalink)
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I'd normally sit on my but watching news and drinking wine, ignoring my kids and telling them to stop "invading my airspace". What a jerk! Time to stop the nonsense, and tonight is the night!!!!!!!
That's me! I keep relapsing as well... can go as long as 60 days and then something happens (maybe I kid myself I can just have one) and go back to the poison and hating myself...
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Old 10-13-2009, 07:43 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Addiction just doesn't stay status quo. It gets worse. And this means the consequences get harder, steeper and not just an annoyance but impact our life, others' lives. I thought about my consequences and I can find about a handful of people with worse consequences but I know of so many that got help sooner and suffered less later.
Make no mistake there will be consequences. Even on legal pain meds.... all it takes is a car wreck even if you're not intoxicated on the meds.... if you happen to injure someone else well you can still get some BAD consequences and hopefully the other driver won't be impacted. Addiction is something that we think is "all about us" and not hurting or bothering others around us but addiction hurts and impacts everyone cause we don't think straight when we are high, we think we do but we don't and please if not for yourself to end this madness and draw a line in the sand think about what could happen that hasn't happened yet. Our actions impact others. Our behaviors impact others. I hope you can find the courage to do this. I think you can do it.
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:11 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Hilltopper, I hate to say it but you may hit some really heavy consequences before it becomes enough. I was a lot the same way. I do hope for your own sake that if you want sobriety you will find a way before you go so deep down that going to the top looks almost unthinkable. Believe me, that is a hard place to start from. My best to you.
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:37 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Hilltopper,
You are describing me too.
2 days, feel great, drink, get sick, feel bad, get better, eat well, read motivational AA material, exercise, drink plenty of water, get alot of things done around the house and at work, drink a bottle of wine.
I feel terrible today, because thats what happened again last night.
and I drove drunk which I never do.
I don't want to give up, cause i am a good person.
But I am definately losing this battle.
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Old 10-13-2009, 08:50 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Success lies on the far side of failure.

-Thomas Watson (founder of IBM)
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Old 10-13-2009, 09:23 AM   #31 (permalink)
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So it is about 330pm, I have no desire to drink, will get home, take the family to the gym, eat a healthy dinner then take the kids to roast smores down the street. I'd normally sit on my but watching news and drinking wine, ignoring my kids and telling them to stop "invading my airspace". What a jerk! Time to stop the nonsense, and tonight is the night!!!!!!!
Hilltopper -

Yup, that is me.

I started doing long distance running so I could say "There is no way that a person who can run a long-distance race can be an alcoholic."

I even got drunk 2 hours after finishing my longest race ever.


One thing that also helps me is reading the Adult Children of Alcoholics section of SR (Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information). I cry every time I read their stories and realize what I have done to my kids.

But, by stopping drinking, I have time to try to repair - time to try to help them grow up with less impacts of my alcoholism.

I wake up 30 minutes before my kids - thankful - so I can greet them with a smile and genuine interest in them.

It is so worth it.
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Old 10-13-2009, 02:18 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Hilltopper,
You are describing me too.
2 days, feel great, drink, get sick, feel bad, get better, eat well, read motivational AA material, exercise, drink plenty of water, get alot of things done around the house and at work, drink a bottle of wine.
I feel terrible today, because thats what happened again last night.
and I drove drunk which I never do.
I don't want to give up, cause i am a good person.
But I am definately losing this battle.
stay strong... you will do it...
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Old 10-13-2009, 07:48 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Hilltopper,
You are describing me too.
2 days, feel great, drink, get sick, feel bad, get better, eat well, read motivational AA material, exercise, drink plenty of water, get alot of things done around the house and at work, drink a bottle of wine.
I feel terrible today, because thats what happened again last night.
and I drove drunk which I never do.
I don't want to give up, cause i am a good person.
But I am definately losing this battle.
That's me too. I relapsed after almost 4 months of sobriety and can't get past day 3. Today is day 2. I'm not holding my breath. I was really motivated (or maybe just scared) back in April and now I'm not. But I'm trying to be accountable to people on SR and maybe I can pull it off again.

Stay strong, everybody!
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:30 AM   #34 (permalink)
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stay strong... you will do it...
Catch,

How is staying strong working for you? It sounds mean, but I ask with concern and love. I look at your join date and wonder to myself, 'How's that working?'

I found that I could apply all my strength and willpower to taking actions that brought about a psychic change so that alcohol was no longer a problem. I could apply that strength and will to taking the 12 Steps of AA.

Applying them to not drinking was like pissing in the wind for me. Did that for many years.
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Old 10-14-2009, 01:55 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Catch,

How is staying strong working for you?
well, it works ok, most of the time... I have the occasional relapse, but I don't beat myself up and pick it up from where I left it. No big deal. As long as I keep it together, I'm fine. Nobody's perfect, but I think I've come a long, long way since 2004... I understand my addiction well and I've read a lot. So, when I relapse, I know what to expect and how to recover very quickly. I'm working towards total sobriety and recovery and I will get there...
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Old 10-14-2009, 02:55 PM   #36 (permalink)
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well, it works ok, most of the time...
OK, catch, sorry if I sounded harsh. I just assumed, maybe mistakenly, that you weren't satisfied with the relapses.

I have a little trouble relating to it. Everytime I managed to string together a few months (it wasn't often), and then started drinking again, it was a nightmare. It didn't end quickly and it did lots of damage. I'd be off and running until I got arrested usually. The occasional relapse really wasn't an workable option for me.
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Old 10-14-2009, 03:11 PM   #37 (permalink)
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I dont want to say anything - all I want to do is give you a big :ghug3
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Old 10-15-2009, 01:52 AM   #38 (permalink)
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OK, catch, sorry if I sounded harsh. I just assumed, maybe mistakenly, that you weren't satisfied with the relapses.

I have a little trouble relating to it. Everytime I managed to string together a few months (it wasn't often), and then started drinking again, it was a nightmare. It didn't end quickly and it did lots of damage. I'd be off and running until I got arrested usually. The occasional relapse really wasn't an workable option for me.
well, obviously I'm not "happy" with the relapses. I'd rather not relapse, but over these years I've learnt that I can recover easily from them and I accept them as a part of the recovery process. I know this goes against AA's philosophy, but I don't really follow AA... I'm more of a Tao person...

I've grown up a lot in the last 5 years... I have understood lots of things. I've come close to lose my family and I know I have done irreparable damage. But I have also learnt how to manage the occasional relapse. It's not the end of the world. The most important thing for me is to have the believe that - one day - hopefully very soon - I can be continously free of alcohol. That's my ultimate goal. In the meantime, I'll keep doing some growing up. I'm very happy about myself at the moment. I'm off anti-depressants and I stopped smoking... I can't quite beat the beast completely yet, but it's just matter of time...
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Old 10-15-2009, 03:22 AM   #39 (permalink)
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The truth is I don't want to quit.
You don't? Why do you have over 200 post here?

You say:

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I don't really have withdrawls, ever! I can go 2 days.
If you are an alcoholic and you are physically dependant upon alcohol as well, you may not even get the shakes until you have been without for OVER 2 days. ANother thing is are you talking 48 hours or less then 48 hours?

If you are an alcoholic then 2 days is no where near the amount of time it takes to get it all out of your system.

Speak to your doctor, tell your doctor the whole truth about your drinking and tell him that you are going to quit cold turkey and see what your doctor suggest.
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