Keep on posting FS, "thoughts become untangled when they pass through the finger-tips".
I completely relate to your first post trying everything looking outside myself for who/what I was. I had absolutely no clue who Judy was w/o a drink in my hand and it was close to a year after I got sober that I began to even to like myself and started figuring out who I was and started finding and becoming the person I always should have been. Keep talking to others who understand where you are coming from and keep posting you can do this. I hope you find as much for yourself as I have found for myself in sobriety.
"Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up"
"With God all things are possible"