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Old 10-08-2009, 05:07 PM   #1 (permalink)

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Just plain miserable and mixed up.

I like positive threads and positive people, but today I am a miserable man.

I have thirty-eight days without a drink and that's about all that's keeping me from getting drunk. When I really look at my life, I'm bored with it, and frustrated at the condition I have put myself into, and feel like why not drink? Threre are no easy answers, so if it's going to take forever to get my life on track, who cares if I prolong the process a few more weeks. I know I don't. I'm trying to be honest here, but have little faith in my ability to really see reality and honesty as it is. Being honest with myself means I can't pretend I'm ok, I can't pretend that life is great, and I can't keep telling others to hang in there when I can't see much point in it myself. So, it's a lose-lose scenerio, I'm lost sober and I'm lost drunk. Either way, I'm still lost.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently, but today it's all pits.

When your insides are eating you up, how do you handle it?
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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When I started to feel that way I knew I needed to go to a meeting. They lifted my spirits and I felt so much better. You hang in there, that's only your addict mind talking to you. Tell that thought to go away and try to focus on how far you came and remember where you were before you got sober.
I will not bow, I will not break, I will shed the world away, I will not fall, I will not fade, I will take your breath away ~ Breaking Benjamin
You can stand under my Umbrella, ElLa, Ella, ELLa ~The beautiful Rihanna
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hey FS....

I understand!..... but more than that.... Most of us understand! Rollercoasting is not all together fun all the time! Giving time - TIME is needed yet so hard to wrap around. The thing is the longer we are away from that drink/drug.... the more we'll understand and know ourselves. In the meantime, crap! Feelings, emotions, all of it --- IS RIGHT THERE IN OUR FACE!

Breathe! All will change! Support, honest and loving support, is essential! So many ways to obtain that if you don't already have that in place.

I just want ya to know, I'll be here for ya! It's not a "feel good" place right now and I got your back! Shout out anytime!

Wish I could be more helpful!
If we do not change our direction.... We are likely to end up where we're headed...!

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Old 10-08-2009, 05:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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So how about doing something different to shake up your life and liven up your recovery, if what you're currently doing isn't working. Like ashlee suggested, maybe try a meeting or something?

38 days is great, but recovery is a long process. I mean, I drank for 27 years, surely I wasn't going to recover from that much wreckage in a month or two!

4 1/2 years ago I felt hopeless, bored, my life was done, done, done. But I committed myself to doing this deal cuz the alternative was death.

When I leave my office in 15 minutes I'll go to an AA meeting, then I'll head for my new home, catch up with my fiancee, I know it's going to be a great evening. I have that faith every day that life is still unfolding exactly as it should be.

It works if ya work it, but ya gotta work it! Forever is a long time, so try to handle this in small chunks, one day at a time, or one second at a time if it makes it any easier. It will get better, I promise, but not if you pick up again.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming---*WOW-What a ride*!"
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Getting sober doesn't make you or your life OK FS - but it gives you a fighting chance to make that happen.

38 days of sobriety is nothing to the amount of time you gave to drinking.
Give it a chance.

Fix what you can, hang tough on the rest

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Old 10-08-2009, 05:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Congratulations on your thirty-eight days of sobriety!

Regarding your feelings... have you considered talking to a therapist? It sounds like you're in a pretty dark place emotionally, and it could help to talk to someone freely in confidence about how you truly feel and perhaps learn some new coping mechanisms or worldviews.

There's a lot of great advice and inspirational stories to be found on SR, but it sounds like reading the threads isn't doing much to help your spirits and talking to a therapist may be the next logical step.
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
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When I feel like that. I do just what you are doing now. Reach out to others.
Vent, talk about it. There doesnt have to be a solution all the time. Just do what may make it feel better for now. Except drink. I dont mean it in that way.
If you gotta feel like crap for a day but then feel better tomorrow. We all have those days.
Just try your best not to let it eat at you. Accept that your going to have those days.
And none of us ruined our lives over night. Its going to take time to egt back to where we want to be. But take the focus off the finish line and enjoy the trip.
Thats why we hear one day at a time.
I know I always wanted everything to happen now. I wanted results now. Thats what we are use to is instant gratification.
I have tried really hard to stay in the now and just take things as they come. Try and make the best out of what is right in front of me. And since I have been doing that. It has gotten so much easier. Alot less stress and alot less frustrating.
I just try and make it through 24 hours now. Tomorrow is tomorrow and next week is too far for me to worry about right now.
Hell I may not even get there. We aretn guaranteed that.
Just take it easy and stay in the moment the best you can.
Are you doing anything to take care of you? Like little things to sorta relax. Like I will have a nice hot green tea with honey and just sit down and focus on how great it tastes and feels. Just stay in that very moment.
Hot bubble baths are another one. I like to sit on my deck and just listen to the surroundings and think about nothing. Or reflect on how far I have come and be grateful. None of this may help. But its just a few things I have found very helpful for me.
Hang in there. 38 days is great. But do more than just put the **** down. Make it meaningful. And it doesnt take much to do that.
Dont just count your days...Make your days count!

It may not get easier, But it will get better.
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:33 PM   #8 (permalink)

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Thanks everyone for your support.

Getting drunk is not the answer, so I put on a pot of coffee instead. I think I'm going through some real depression here, not quite sure what to make of it, but know it isn't fun to be in this state of mind, so I hope it passes soon. I know I need to be proactive, so I'm getting out tonight, maybe go to a meeting, (which I'm really fighting right now), or just go for a long drive to clear my head. With the condition my head is in, I may end up a couple states away, lol. See, I'm coming around already, so its not hopeless, just another hurdle to cross while finding my way.

The support here is indeed incredible. Thanks SR.
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Dee is right Firestorm, getting sober doesn't make everything alright.

But, being sober will enable you to figure your way through the problems.

What helped me was music and walking.

Know that you can get through this, and know that you will feel better.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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am glad you are coming out of those emotions Im on day 19 and I know it can be pretty horrible sometimes, but i guess this is just part of recovery and we have to deal with it and go this process..... but it seems everyone has helped to give you that strength so well done and keep going
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Old 10-08-2009, 06:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Hey Dallas:

You are also right in the middle of the time period for P.A.W.S.

Read up on, you will see what is happening and that it does pass.

Love and hugs,

God Bless You All As You Trudge The Road
Of Happy Destiny (especially when you are
trudgin thru alligators up to your butt)
Sobriety: AA June 7, 1981
Codependency: Alanon June 7, 1984
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Old 10-08-2009, 06:48 PM   #12 (permalink)

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Thanks everyone,

Nothing I've experienced during the difficult times of not drinking has even compared to the difficult times while drinking. My consumption of alcohol has caused, in many ways, irreversible damage in my life. I know all too well that having a drink can make any problem I have much, much worse. So, I'm pulling through this the best I can and hope that the fact that it's not all smooth sailing doesn't offend anyone. I'd love to say I'm doing cartwheels down the street, but the fact is, at fifty, I'm happy to just be able to walk down the street, so I guess that's the way it is with recovery too. Sometimes we trudge along, and sometimes we skip along while carrying a happy tune, but today it's enough just not to drink and stay focused on not letting my obsession to escape life compell me to do so.

I'm hanging in there, one minute at a time. Thanks to all.
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Old 10-08-2009, 07:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post
...who cares if I prolong the process a few more weeks.
Easy to say... hard to do. Cause it might be a few weeks, it might be a few months before you're back on track... ain't no telling how much damage and how many opportunities you might have missed/messed up in that time frame.

That's why, FS.

You got thirty-eight days! And probably that PAWS stuff too... I'm starting to think that was what got me after the 20 days. Routine, it wasn't all I thought it might be.

Obviously, I don't know what to expect at 38, so I can't help you there, but I'm here cheering you on all the way, and hoping that this is something you get over quick-like.

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Old 10-08-2009, 07:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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If you were skipping down the sidewalk doing cartwheels cause you were smooth sailing in your sobriety. I would def think something was seriously wrong.
This **** isnt easy. No doubt about that. If anyone has that experience I want in on that!
I am glad your staying postive for the most part and holding on to that good thinking.
You can do this.
Dont just count your days...Make your days count!

It may not get easier, But it will get better.
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Old 10-09-2009, 08:46 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Laurie is spot on with PAWS: the first few days after you quit, it is quite intense including all the physical aspects.

But the mental withdrawal is estimated to last up to a year. (!) (I'm learning a lot in my relapse prevention class!). I never realized it could last so long, but, when I think about it, the first 6 months of my sobriety I was angry at the world. It wasn't much fun being angry for 1/2 year...
And I felt flat, too. Just didn't have any joy. But, I was doing a lot of work, going to meetings, I got a sponsor, (who is incredible). I have a great therapist and it was obvious after a while that I had a lot of renovation work to do mentally. I still do, but the anger is finally gone.

I can't say exactly when it disappeared. But it had a lot to do with letting go. Letting go of the thought that I have to solve all problems in life without any help. BTW, did you know that October 9, 2008, you didn't have any problems FS? That's because I had your problems that day. See, I had all the problems in the world.

I think the change started happening when I could recognise boundaries. I stopped saying things like: "I have a problem with my son" and started saying things like: "My son has a problem".

I didn't know that I was a codependent for three alcoholic brothers. I learned that in recovery and when I figured that out, it was like having a dark curtain opened and light flooded into the room.

I didn't know that I have made choices all my life based on fear and anger and resentment because of my childhood in an alcoholic home. Now, I've learned to step back for a moment and ponder all the choices I make in the course of a day: I ask myself what is my motivation for this? It's not easy to learn how to think differetly, (and to remember how to think differently) but that has been a big part of my recovery in the last couple of months or so.

It is a long process, but I can say that in my case at least, I have seen changes and the changes continue to happen, especially since I started to take step work seriously. I didn't really start working the steps until I was in aa for over 10 months...
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Old 10-09-2009, 11:41 AM   #16 (permalink)

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Thanks everyone,

I especially like the insights about PAWS, but it seems the PAWS become Claws after a few days away from the ole bottle. The bottle is trying to claw its way back to me, and I'm running as fast as I can away from the damn thing.

Anvilhead, I like your comments about sometimes putting some physical aspect of our life in order, and those activities help alot when I'm sitting round in my soapbox. I'm painting today, caulking gaps, cleaning up the joint, cause you never know who will stop by, lol. Seriously, this recovery thing is like a circle to me, when we find what works, we just keep doing it, round and round we go. The same is true with the drink, once we start again, it's another round, then another, round and round we go. I'm glad that today I don't have to drink, because for a long time I had to drink, my personal ability to choose was warped by booze. Today, I'm buying a new grill at Home Depot, then stopping for steaks at the local market, and using the money I would have spent at the bar tonight to fix a great dinner, and I'm buying a huge bottle of Coke, no wine allowed. I have a friend who is coming by, so I'd better get busy.
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Old 10-09-2009, 11:45 AM   #17 (permalink)
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Here is the PAWS link

Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

I find prayer immensley calming
Each Day Sober Is A Victory!!
Joy In AA Recovery!

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Old 10-09-2009, 01:50 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Firestorm, when I look back at me pre-sobriety, I'm shocked not only at how much time I wasted to drinking but how much time I wasted planning my drinking. PArt of what you're dealing with is that void in your life that you simply need to fill with productive activities. You probably don't even need to go looking for said activities... they'll just sort of fill the void and after a few months, you'll be amazed at how much more literally productive your life will be. I just ran my first marathon in 14 years, and my body bounced back faster than it did when I was in my early 20s. I think that could have something do to with the fact that I'm not poisoning my body anymore.

Life is easier because I'm not worried about my BAC and whether I should get near a car. Life is easier because I'm sleeping better. Life is easier because I'm getting more done. You'll get there, too. Keep posting and talking to others.
Always do what you are afraid to do.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Old 10-09-2009, 02:05 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Good for you... You are being a realist and not escaping in the bottle! We can't appreciate the sweet without the bitter. You are on your way to getting much much better; I get lilt that too. Humbly on day 73 this time.
He who neglects what is done for what ought to be done, sooner effects his ruin than his preservation.
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Old 10-09-2009, 02:46 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Being honest is one of the most important things you need to do Fire, and if that honesty means you think everything sucks at the moment thats just fine. I was also 50 when I stopped drinking and I'd been lying to myself (and others) for most of my life, facing the reality of being 50, miserable, alone, and in dire financial straights at the time was one of the toughest things I've ever done but I did it and now I'm 53, still alone, but happier than I've ever been, debt free, and most important I'm SOBER and darn proud of that!

"Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up"

"With God all things are possible"
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