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I hate, but love this!!

Old 10-07-2009, 01:34 PM
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I hate, but love this!!

I hate this feeling. I don't know where i am. I had 4 days off drinking, but cos i had that & i craved, i thought i'd have a drink, i craved it so much & now i wish i hadn't, but i'm so weak!!

The 4 days i had were nice, i actually felt like i did as a kid, all felt normal, like i was as a kid, i just have so much stuff in my head, i call to alcohol!! I run, i eat good, i have family that support me, but i just can't stop after a few days, i feel like i have accomplished something, so i congratulate myself with a drink.

I hate this !!, i recall yesterday feeling good, feeling straight, but looking forward to a drink, now i had it i feel terrible!!, i can't even type!!

Why do i want to drink when after a time off, i feel i deserve one!!!

I feel it will never end, unless i keep up the 4 day effort, 1 day at a time, but i think, 'ok i did it 4 days i can ' , but no i need to keep it up!
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Old 10-07-2009, 01:37 PM
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Well, I'm on my way
 
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Get up and get going again.

You CAN do this. Maybe AA? Counseling?
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Old 10-07-2009, 01:42 PM
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Alcoholism was an endless cycle for me. I picked up, I put down, I picked up, I put down. And so on and so on and so on........ Something had to happen for me to finally stop, I had to hit a bottom or have a catastrophic experience.

Change. If I hadn't made changes, nothing would've happened. I'd still be stuck in that cycle.

I abstained, used AA, I changed, and got better. There's hope, recovery is possible.
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Old 10-07-2009, 01:56 PM
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I know how that feels. I would do so good and feel like I should let loose with gettin high to reward myself. Either that or one time wasnt goin gto hurt becasue I was doing so good. PSH. That just started the whole never ending BS train again.
I agree wtih Astro that something drmamtic sometimes has to happen for people to get it. But not always. You dont have to hit bottom to stop. You can stop digging anytime you want. For people like me. There is no bottom. I just plain snapped and got tired of it. Started doing things to improve my life instead of just putting the **** down. Doing things to fill my time that normally would have been spent using. I havent felt the need to "reward" myself in a couple months. Instead I take the grams out to dinner or buy myself something. Thats something that has been suggested to me for so long. I just went and got a king bed that I have been wanting forever. New clothes. Tv, Furniture, I got my Nike tennis shoes I have been wanting for awhile today. It feels alot better than feeling like a dumbass broke and no energy feeling like crap for a week after blowing my money on drugs and nothing to show for it.
Find other ways to reward yourself.
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Old 10-07-2009, 02:31 PM
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Hi Waterface

Many of us have been there - like Astro said - you put down, you pick up....nothings going to change until you do.

I had to drink until I had no choice but to stop or die - don't be like me.
You really can stop digging the hole anytime you like.

Maybe you need something a little more than willpower - do you have a face to face support system, WF?

Next time - come here and read - remember why you're doing this - try and remember there are far better, and less harmful, ways to reward yourself for good behaviour

D
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Old 10-07-2009, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
You can stop digging anytime you want.
I really like that Aysha...it so true. I stopped digging before I hit bottom. So glad I did. I used to do the same thing waterface...I found I had to do other things, really getting interested in fitness and nutition really help me not want to drink, now I read more, play guitar more, I'm just way more interested in life...you have to change up the routine. If nothing changes then nothing changes...Good luck!! You can do it!!
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Old 10-07-2009, 05:54 PM
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Perhaps you could find a power greater than your alcoholism
to surrender to and that would help you to stay sober daily?
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Old 10-10-2009, 05:55 AM
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Thanks
I do keep coming back here & reading lots of posts, it really helps me fill my time after i have done my exercises.
Currently i'm abstaining Sunday to Thursday & i feel its getting longer each time.
I recall last Wednesday, i walked part way into town to my weekly appointment with my analyst, of whom i talk lots too about why i drink, my lonliness & i treat it as an anesthetic to numb me.
The walk was lovely, i got real pleasure from the Autumn trees & the feeling of being alive & the feeling of contentment & appreciation of the simple but great things.
I know life can be like that all the time & that inspires me! The thought that i will be on a constant level all the time instead of the dramatic ups & downs.

I agree with Astro about something happening or reaching rock bottom, some kind of warning!! My LFT came back as ok the other day which i can't believe!!
I also agree with PrimalScream in that focusing on improving my health, getting into nutrition & improving my body that way is a high that i could enjoy!!
My family wonders why i workout & run only to then drink, kinda opposites really, but a drink, i thought, was nice after a workout!!
Also what Dee says, there are better ways of rewarding, i know i got great pleasure before i touched drink when i was younger, i never needed that then, as i say above, the natural high of everyday life!

I just worry about those productive days that i have when i go into the city at work. I need that strength to just come home!!
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