Ruh roh
 

It's here, that little voice I knew would pop up, saying "You're not really an alcoholic. You can control your drinking. Go ahead, try it." Or, "Are you really never going to have another glass of champagne ever ever again?" Or "What about when you go to Italy, are you telling me you won't have a glass of wine in ITALY?"

(please note, I have no concrete plans of going to Italy. It's just something I want to do someday ... and I saw Italy on TV the other day, on Mad Men.)

I'm happy I can recognize the voice for what it is, at this moment in time. It's just the alcoholic in me wanting to take another drink. It's been 2 1/2 weeks, after all. I haven't yet told my husband I think I'm an alcoholic. Part of me is afraid of his reaction (will he be disappointed in me? will he think I'm making a big deal out of nothing? will it drive a wedge between us somehow?) And I think the other part of me doesn't want to say it out loud to him so there's no one around to hold me accountable if I pick up a drink again.

I won't drink today. Can't get to a meeting today, but I will tomorrow.

That little voice is familiar to me. I remember when I was newly sober, I'd hear it. I've learned since then to ignore it, and to remember not only what seems fun about a drink, but all the ugly and painful consequences I no longer wish to experience.

Some call that 'thinking the drink through'.

Congratulations for your sober time thus far.

Interesting that you bring up the telling your husband (or not) part.. I did the exact same thing. I knew I had a serious problem with alcohol well before I talked to him about it. I never said anything because I knew that would make it 'real' and hold me accountable for doing something about it. It gave me permission to keep drinking, and what a lonely world that was... of all people, my best friend didn't even know what was going on with me.

By the time I talked to him, his response was not of shock or unaware.. it was of "bout time you realized it". He is PROUD of me.. and has created just one more piece of accountability for me in living a better life. We are closer than we've ever been, and sure it gives me no more permission to drink, but wasn't that the entire point of quitting? To not drink anymore and to get off my rear end and address what was going on with me?

It's such a better life, I promise you that. Living with complete honesty in a relationship.. taking away the numbing effects of alcohol out of it.. it's just a great thing!

Thanks, Smacked. Was your husband a drinker? Mine drinks, and in the past, I've spent a lot of time talking to him about his drinking and how he needs to control it, and how I only drink because he drinks. Now, I honestly don't have an opinion on whether or not he's an alcoholic. Maybe. Maybe not. He's got a family history, and he uses beer to de-stress, but he also doesn't seem compelled to drink like I am. I was using him as my excuse to drink. So I'm not sure how this conversation is going to go ...

Hopefully, it will go well. Not sure when we'll talk about it, but soon. I can't keep hiding my Big Book anymore ... :)

I've been experiencing the exact same thing today :c026:

It's funny really... hope you get through it!

I can relate to everything that you say.
I'm sure things wouldn't be half so difficult if it weren't for the little voice that pops up after a while and says '...go on, it'll be different this time'.
x

Good for you for recognizing that little voice and calling it what it is! I hope when you tell your husband he becomes your staunchest supporter. What an asset that would be. The admission does have the affect of accountability. For me, it's helpful.

Stay strong!

That little voice can be smashed by keeping your focus on a program of recovery, I'm glad to hear you're going to meetings. I'm looking forward to my meeting tonight to shut up the stinking thinking.

In a few weeks I'll be honeymooning in Greece. Can't wait to munch on baklava, gyros, fish, and lots of other yummy stuff, and I'll let my new bride drink the ouzo :wink:

Recognising the voice, and unraveling the rationalisations, lies and flat out BS, is one of the best tools we have, PL.

I think it's unlikely that any of us - who sought out a recovery site, who read and lurked, and then signed up and posted - turn out to not have a problem after all.

It may happen, but I can't remember ever seeing it here.

That's the first and maybe the most persistent lie - 'I've done this for x weeks - maybe I've changed...hey if I'm wrong I can pick this sobriety stuff up again anyway'....

This board of full of people who'll tell you otherwise.

I'll tell you otherwise...I had two months sobriety once...didn't get that again for over 5 years.

Don't let your worry of what might happen when you tell your husband, or if you go to Italy, or if you never drink again stop you either - the fear of 'what might happen' was always a huge trigger for me.

I'd be lying if I said I never worry anymore LOL - but I do what I can about something and then I 'turn the rest over'...

I never drink on it - I've done that enough to know thats no solution.

You're doing fine PL. Stay that way. :)

D

All I can say is don't under any circumstance give into that voice. I thought I would be okay just having a few beers throughout the week and drinking no more then a 12pk at a given time a month. Well I did a years worth of drinking in one month and made sure to squeeze in the next years worth of drinking while I was at it. And then some......take it from someone who had a few months sober and just had to jump back out there on the front lines that you are not missing anything! I only hope I can get myself back on the path.

Welcome back Bard - I hope you can too :)

My tip is reach out - try to get as much support as you can - get a network - whether that be a doctor, or AA, or counselling - and work that network (along with us here at SR)

D

Having been to Italy on a few occasions I can safely say you don't need wine to enjoy the country. (I kniow thats not really what you meant). You'll appreciate it more without the booze. And REAL pizza too lol :)

Keep going to the meetings and working the steps with your sponsor...

I went to Rome, and had quite a few glasses of wine, i managed to **** off everyone around me and make my girlfriend at the time cry on a day trip to Naples...good times?!