NEOMARXIST

Hi, I am 90 days sober tomorrow.

I have just got back from work and a 'drink' with my new "team" at the local pub. I went to this as it was straight after work so I didn't want to appear antisocial. Ain't got nothing in common with these people TBH.

Whether it was because subconsciously I was in a pub that has made me feel a little "strange" about things.

By that I mean I have to fight the feeling that in some way I am "selling out" and "playing the Game" and there is that part of me that is rebellious and doesn't quite like the feeling of being so "straight-laced" and "Normal". I guess it might be the alcoholic in me trying to "talk me around". But I in noway am tempted to drink and 90 days is a great achievement. I do not intend to drink, I just want to make that clear!!

It's just I find I have little in common with most people, certainly in a work context and most people are just so straight-laced and naive man! I always liked the company of the so-called riff raff although when the booze was wearing off I didn't but at the time I liked the madness and craziness and lack of Bullsh*t that I used to have. I guess I was just questioning whether I have sold out in playing the system and I guess theres just that crazy part of me which likes to say F*ck it and likes the rebelliousness and "freedom?" of just getting mashed as it's sort of anti-establishment even though once I am coming down/on it I hate myself and everything about me. I guess I just miss some of the feeling of craziness and madness that I used to feel even if I was just alone drinking and listening to music it felt like I was in some how not playing the system if that makes sense?

Anyway enough of that.

Peace and Love.

Jomey

I get what you are saying, Neo. I am a woman, and work as a rodeo trainer and rider. I have to compete in the world of trash-talking, beer drinking, tough guys. (one guy I compete against tested his new branding iron on himself before using it on his horses - he has the burned brand on his stomach to prove it - he is probably the "greatest" example on the east coast rodeo circuit of tough and drunk!) How is little old me supposed to hang with them, especially drinking diet coke or the like??? Truth be told, I LIKED drinking whisky with them (and by myself, etc.) because it made me feel tough, and cool and like I was hanging with the big dogs...definitely NOT a soccer mom and I LOVED that anti-establishment feeling as well.

Now I can say that I find some of those same tough guys that I spent so much time impressing intolerable, but I also don't seek the company of the other "soccer moms". I will be sober for two years on Wednesday, and I am still figuring out who I am and where I fit.

Not much advice other than give it time. There are other ways to be a rebel that aren't self destructive! Have good sober fun! Jomey

Dee74

Hi Neo

I don't work in the city, but I used to be a rock musician so I guess I get a little of what you mean - it was never only the booze or the drugs I was addicted to - there was a certain romanticism about the whole life style too...being a rebel, a non conformist, an outlaw...

I guess I was lucky enough to quit at the right time - I was hitting 40 and growing tired of 'living on the edge' no matter how 'exciting' it was...and I'd drunk enough to now there was nothing at all romantic in that for me anymore.

Doesn't mean I didn't miss it...it's probably no coincidence that I went a little off thr rails at 90 days - I didn't drink, but I did hook up with some old mates...I'm glad I did cos I didn't like what I saw....I don't want to live any life where I had to be blitzed anymore....

I got through that nervous nostalgic period...

now...at this point in my life....I'm comfortable with who I am and what I do...
I'm not interested in where others are, I couldn't care less about labels, I'm not interested in being a rebel for the sake of being rebellious...

and I'm trying to be less and less interested in what people think of me....
It's a good place to be...and it's probably the most non conformist I've ever been LOL

D

eoghanacht

yep Neo I hear you. Although for me I can be a right nutter and not drunk, (sober since June sometime?)- mostly to do with the way that I 'cope' with Society being so false and judgemental etc etc. Now does that make sense? Oh well.

take care.








me.

NEOMARXIST

Cheers Dee for that post. I got a lot from it and I can relate so much to what you say! I too am a rock musician and I can sooo relate to what you say about the romanticism of the lifestyle too - Being a rebel, a non-conformist, an outlaw... beautifully put Dee! It was never just about the booze and drugs but some "feeling" that runs so much deeper in your veins; many people will never understand...

I know that there is nothing romantic about the realities of what drinking/drugging ultimately brings again, just loneliness, self-hatred and despair but that's not to see that some times that nostalgic part of me misses it slightly. when I "play the tape through" then I know it is just a lie.

I too met up with my old "best mate" who I spent so many long all weeknders drinking and tripping with and generally hedonisitc times. i went to visit him on my last bender before i got clean and realised there and then that it was ultimately a lifestyle that i didn't want deep-down, it was very dirty, grimey and living like an addict in all honesty. That was 90 days ago I left him and vowed to never go back to that liefestyle again.

It's good to know that I'm never alone in what I'm going through. Thanks also for your post Jomey, I got a lot from that too.

Peace and Love xxx

PrimalScream

Great thread! I can totally relate. I use to love hanging out and getting sh*tfaced with the riffraff...the mainstream just seemed/seems so boring. If there wasn't such a downside to drinking and drugging I would never quit (I doubt any of us would)...but there is damn it!!...and it's really ugly and nasty. I remember once me and a buddy were drinking and getting high on the rooftop deck of my old apartment building one night, and we were trying to think of what superpower we would pick if we could have one...he picked being invisible...I picked never being hung-over, being able to drink as much as I want and do as many drugs as I want but always wake up the next morning feeling 100% fantastic...to me that would be the ultimate superpower...oh, the fun you could have...with no consequences ...but alas that isn't the case...what the hell am I talking about? Oh ya, missing the rebellious/anti-establishment side of drinking. I do miss it...but now I find I am getting much more interested in other things that I never even thought about when I was drinking...now I am kind of looking at the whole binge every weekend recover at work all week and do it all again the next weekend as more pro-establishment than abstaining from alcohol, I mean, I think more people do that than abstain from alcohol completely. Almost all the people I know drink...I think not drinking makes you more of rebel than drinking. And moderation is freaking boring so I never wanted to do that. So If I can't be a rebellious drunk I am going to be a rebellious totally sober dude that does all kind of cool sh*t! I hope this contributed somewhat to this thread...I'm rather hyper and all over the place this afternoon lol...but I am sober damnit!!