Upside down - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read





Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-03-2009, 11:04 AM   #1 (permalink)
member
 
Mattcake's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Blog Entries: 9

Upside down


I know I've been harping on and on about this topic lately, but I really need to get it out there, to get some more feedback... and to keep it real and present.

I've always been insightful when it comes to other people, but absolutely clueless when I look at myself.

For whatever reason, my self-awareness seems to have taken a gigantic leap recently. It's like masks I never knew I had are simply dropping, without warning, showing me quite clearly the motivations that lay beneath my actions, thoughts, behaviours, both past and present... showing me intentions and feelings that I've never acknowledged, never mind accepted (mostly because I didn't know they were *there* in the 1st place!)

I've been so blind.

Quick example:
I ("Mr Nice Guy") emailed a friend who had been laid off work to see how he was doing, but he never answered... so I shrugged it off and hoped he was okay. Last night, all of a sudden, it dawned on me that I'd only emailed him cos I wanted to jump into bed with him. Sure, I want him to find a job etc., but that's not why I checked on him. I suddenly *knew* what was really going on.


This might seem like no biggie, but it's just one small example of what I've been going through lately. Every single time I think of a situation, I can see right through myself, right through the BS stories I've been feeding myself for years. It's especially hard to swallow when it comes to the big events in my life.

I'm not being too hard on myself - I'm describing what's been happening... All these things.. these sudden insights.. I just know, deep down, that they're true.

It's terrifying, though I'm trying to stay calm, I'm not ashamed to say I'm very scared. It's too much, all at once.
__________________
If it's a question of faith: Do you love or do you hate?
"Counting days is for prisoners" - Scott
Mattcake is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-2009, 11:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
member
 
Mattcake's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Blog Entries: 9
I should add that I do have a plan.. Though this isn't strictly about alcohol or addiction, this might be my breaking point. I do believe in a Higher Power... I think it's time I made the decision to surrender - consciously and with commitment. It's just way too much.
__________________
If it's a question of faith: Do you love or do you hate?
"Counting days is for prisoners" - Scott
Mattcake is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-2009, 11:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
louis's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
Posts: 1,138
Hi Matt....

I think i totally get what you mean... except for the guy thing....

My counselor calls it "watching my thinking".... its really spoiled my escaping behaviours...

None of us likes to see the wrong in ourselves... and especially BEFORE we actually do it

If its happening anyway... look on it as a good thing.... self protection maybe
louis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-2009, 11:50 AM   #4 (permalink)
member
 
Mattcake's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Blog Entries: 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by louis View Post
My counselor calls it "watching my thinking".... its really spoiled my escaping behaviours...

None of us likes to see the wrong in ourselves... and especially BEFORE we actually do it
Thanks Louis.. Yeah, this is a big part of it. It's like I've suddenly become intensely aware of my preferred defense mechanism: trying to fool myself/turning the blind eye on myself. Ugh.
__________________
If it's a question of faith: Do you love or do you hate?
"Counting days is for prisoners" - Scott
Mattcake is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-2009, 11:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Somewhere Out There
Posts: 25,362
__________________
"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key."
- The Eagles

"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words."
- Anna Sewell
suki44883 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-2009, 12:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: New York - Catskill Mtns.
Posts: 38,242
Matt, it would be far more terrifying to never be self-aware. Yes, it is scary - but so many never know themselves or understand what motivates them. It will be healing (though uncomfortable) to have these realizations.
Hevyn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-2009, 12:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 51,748
Matty, I totally get what you are saying.

I call it 'Intention'. There is an intention behind every thought we have and every thing we do. We might not be aware of it, but it is always there. And, trying to figure out the intention and facing it, like you did, is a huge step in self-awareness.
__________________
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
Anna is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-2009, 03:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 177,496
Blog Entries: 1
I agree with Anna - thats a huge step...I think a lot of us are pretty good at manipulating things - I know I was, long before I took my first drink.

It's scary as all get out to face that and go backstage as it were and actually look at what we're *really* doing...

I think it's a very necessary step to take tho, Matt - a lot of my motivations were bound up in my desire to avoid facing stuff I needed to...

Just keep reminding yourself that you're not alone in any of this...you have a lot of friends here who 'get' this....and you're not a bad guy

D
__________________
Dee74 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-2009, 04:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
Well, I'm on my way
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: El Paso, Texas
Posts: 276
Blog Entries: 1
Hey, Matt,

Okay. I've nixed about three responses here.

I guess I want to congratulate you on your breakthroughs, mention that I've found great insight and help in your posts, remind you not to forget you're human and flaws go with that and ....

now I'll stop talking.

Looking forward to hearing more. Good luck!:ghug3
__________________
One foot in front of the other; one step at a time

"Anne stopped drinking and never looked back."
That's my story. I read it every morning, and I'm sticking to it.
mariechi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2009, 12:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Blog Entries: 8
You wanna do a step 4, that will be what you have seen times 1000!!!

For me it was crucial to see myself for what i am and to get an understanding of what drives me resentments, fears, sex conduct, harms to others...i had to do this with my sponsor because there is no way i would have been able to do it without direction...this is not rocket science though, it is just because i had twisted everything in my head that i couldn't see the truth from the lie anymore...i think you have something here but you can't expect yourself to take your own inventory when you have been the one living in the insanity IMO?!

Still an empty chair waiting with your name on it mate, when you are ready...nudge,nudge;-)
yeahgr8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2009, 01:28 AM   #11 (permalink)
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
CarolD's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,741
I consider those flashes of insight....my recovery at work.

I needed to break down the drinking ego driven me
to move forward into my wonder filled recovery me.

For me...Yes! that required God in my life.

Mega Matt
__________________
Each Day Sober Is A Victory!!
Joy In AA Recovery!

CarolD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2009, 06:45 AM   #12 (permalink)
6/20/08
 

Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Yeah...self awareness. I didn't need it for 30 years...I had a bottle.

Gotta say....I'm not that scary, and I don't think you are either, Matty. You are SOOO on the right path!

Perfect way to start my day! Thanks!
__________________
Choices, Chances, Changes.
coffeenut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2009, 07:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
where the light is
 
gravity's Avatar
 

Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
I think that it's important to have someone to talk with about these kind of insights. It's good to be aware of our motivations but we have to keep it in perspective.

For example, sexual desire is a basic human characteristic. It's normal & healthy. It's also possible that you are doing things with more than one motivation in mind. Nothing wrong with this. I don't know anyone who is 100% altruistic all the time.

I have my sponsor and a counsellor to talk to. They listen and provide truthful guidance. They do not try to fix me but they do point out the obvious errors in my thinking (eg. lack of perspective, negative thinking, just plain wrong). I think it is important to avoid seeking advice from my "cheerleaders" - those people who will reinforce my wrong thinking.

Many times, I think it's a good idea to simply take it easy on ourselves. You are a good guy following the right path. Don't rush it, don't beat yourself up.
__________________
It's times like these you learn to live again.
It's times like these you give and give again.
It's times like these you learn to love again.
It's times like these time and time again.

Times Like These - Foo Fighters
gravity is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:42 AM.