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-   -   Upside down (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/185686-upside-down.html)

Mattcake 10-03-2009 11:04 AM

Upside down
 
I know I've been harping on and on about this topic lately, but I really need to get it out there, to get some more feedback... and to keep it real and present.

I've always been insightful when it comes to other people, but absolutely clueless when I look at myself.

For whatever reason, my self-awareness seems to have taken a gigantic leap recently. It's like masks I never knew I had are simply dropping, without warning, showing me quite clearly the motivations that lay beneath my actions, thoughts, behaviours, both past and present... showing me intentions and feelings that I've never acknowledged, never mind accepted (mostly because I didn't know they were *there* in the 1st place!)

I've been so blind.

Quick example:
I ("Mr Nice Guy") emailed a friend who had been laid off work to see how he was doing, but he never answered... so I shrugged it off and hoped he was okay. Last night, all of a sudden, it dawned on me that I'd only emailed him cos I wanted to jump into bed with him. Sure, I want him to find a job etc., but that's not why I checked on him. I suddenly *knew* what was really going on.


This might seem like no biggie, but it's just one small example of what I've been going through lately. Every single time I think of a situation, I can see right through myself, right through the BS stories I've been feeding myself for years. It's especially hard to swallow when it comes to the big events in my life.

I'm not being too hard on myself - I'm describing what's been happening... All these things.. these sudden insights.. I just know, deep down, that they're true.

It's terrifying, though I'm trying to stay calm, I'm not ashamed to say I'm very scared. It's too much, all at once.

Mattcake 10-03-2009 11:12 AM

I should add that I do have a plan.. Though this isn't strictly about alcohol or addiction, this might be my breaking point. I do believe in a Higher Power... I think it's time I made the decision to surrender - consciously and with commitment. It's just way too much.

louis 10-03-2009 11:21 AM

Hi Matt....

I think i totally get what you mean... except for the guy thing.... :)

My counselor calls it "watching my thinking".... its really spoiled my escaping behaviours...

None of us likes to see the wrong in ourselves... and especially BEFORE we actually do it :)

If its happening anyway... look on it as a good thing.... self protection maybe

Mattcake 10-03-2009 11:50 AM


Originally Posted by louis (Post 2387915)
My counselor calls it "watching my thinking".... its really spoiled my escaping behaviours...

None of us likes to see the wrong in ourselves... and especially BEFORE we actually do it :)

Thanks Louis.. Yeah, this is a big part of it. It's like I've suddenly become intensely aware of my preferred defense mechanism: trying to fool myself/turning the blind eye on myself. Ugh.

suki44883 10-03-2009 11:59 AM

:hug:

Hevyn 10-03-2009 12:00 PM

Matt, it would be far more terrifying to never be self-aware. Yes, it is scary - but so many never know themselves or understand what motivates them. It will be healing (though uncomfortable) to have these realizations.

Anna 10-03-2009 12:05 PM

Matty, I totally get what you are saying.

I call it 'Intention'. There is an intention behind every thought we have and every thing we do. We might not be aware of it, but it is always there. And, trying to figure out the intention and facing it, like you did, is a huge step in self-awareness.

Dee74 10-03-2009 03:48 PM

I agree with Anna - thats a huge step...I think a lot of us are pretty good at manipulating things - I know I was, long before I took my first drink.

It's scary as all get out to face that and go backstage as it were and actually look at what we're *really* doing...

I think it's a very necessary step to take tho, Matt - a lot of my motivations were bound up in my desire to avoid facing stuff I needed to...

Just keep reminding yourself that you're not alone in any of this...you have a lot of friends here who 'get' this....and you're not a bad guy :)

D

mariechi 10-03-2009 04:55 PM

Hey, Matt,

Okay. I've nixed about three responses here.

I guess I want to congratulate you on your breakthroughs, mention that I've found great insight and help in your posts, remind you not to forget you're human and flaws go with that and ....

now I'll stop talking.

Looking forward to hearing more. Good luck!:ghug3

yeahgr8 10-04-2009 12:29 AM

You wanna do a step 4, that will be what you have seen times 1000!!!

For me it was crucial to see myself for what i am and to get an understanding of what drives me resentments, fears, sex conduct, harms to others...i had to do this with my sponsor because there is no way i would have been able to do it without direction...this is not rocket science though, it is just because i had twisted everything in my head that i couldn't see the truth from the lie anymore...i think you have something here but you can't expect yourself to take your own inventory when you have been the one living in the insanity IMO?!

Still an empty chair waiting with your name on it mate, when you are ready...nudge,nudge;-)

CarolD 10-04-2009 01:28 AM

I consider those flashes of insight....my recovery at work.
:)
I needed to break down the drinking ego driven me
to move forward into my wonder filled recovery me.

For me...Yes! that required God in my life.

Mega :hug: Matt

coffeenut 10-04-2009 06:45 AM

Yeah...self awareness. I didn't need it for 30 years...I had a bottle.

Gotta say....I'm not that scary, and I don't think you are either, Matty. You are SOOO on the right path!

Perfect way to start my day! Thanks!

gravity 10-04-2009 07:13 AM

I think that it's important to have someone to talk with about these kind of insights. It's good to be aware of our motivations but we have to keep it in perspective.

For example, sexual desire is a basic human characteristic. It's normal & healthy. It's also possible that you are doing things with more than one motivation in mind. Nothing wrong with this. I don't know anyone who is 100% altruistic all the time.

I have my sponsor and a counsellor to talk to. They listen and provide truthful guidance. They do not try to fix me but they do point out the obvious errors in my thinking (eg. lack of perspective, negative thinking, just plain wrong). I think it is important to avoid seeking advice from my "cheerleaders" - those people who will reinforce my wrong thinking.

Many times, I think it's a good idea to simply take it easy on ourselves. You are a good guy following the right path. Don't rush it, don't beat yourself up.


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