Just got home from work in tears, I need to vent...
I am in the worst relationship ever. Its been about 2 years. My bf/ex or whatever he is treats me SO BAD and it is taking such a toll on me. I can't talk to anyone because none of my friends/family know that we're still together. I haven't told anyone because I'm embarassed by how he treats me.
Start with the fact that he breaks up with me about every 2-3 days. And REALLY breaks up with me - screams at me that I'm a piece of s*** and he deserves better, that I'm worthless, unlovable, undatable... Occasionally gets physical but that's usually only about once a month or so. He has invited me over and then refused to open the door when I got there. Even when I lived with him (briefly), him and his friends would lock me out like it's just some big joke.
When we interact its like I'm bothering him - he will roll his eyes at me and be really rude and a lot of times he just ignores me and pretends I'm not in the room. He rarely does anything nice, and when he does, it comes with a price. He'll take me out to dinner and then yell at me that I'm just with him for money until I give him cash. I have lent him several thousand dollars over the past two years and he will not repay anything. When I bring it up he just says I'm being selfish and all I care about is money.
He has forbidden me from talking to my friends, and even gets mad when I spend time with my parents. I'm not supposed to talk on the phone unless he is present. But he is constantly talking to women and even has been hanging out with his ex wife behind my back.
He is constantly on drugs and puts them before me. He will kick me out if one of his friends comes over to get high. He has taken money from me to buy drugs.
And I treated him really well. I gave him money, I paid for a semester of his school, I do most of his homework, I cover his butt when he screws up at work, I take care of his kids, I cook him dinner... I've been good to him.
I don't even know what I see in him. He is much older, divorced, has kids, and is broke. I don't even like him as a person anymore. He is mean and I think he gets some enjoyment out of seeing me hurt. And I work with him so I can't get away from him even if we break up for good. In a way it is really degrading that such a horrible person would reject me.
It's so hard to stay sober with this going on. I come home feeling worthless every day. A lot of times I'm too depressed to even pick up calls from my friends or my parents. The pattern for a while has been go to school, go to work, come home, drink, pass out, wake up and do it again. I am so depressed and my self esteem has been crushed. I'm sure this sounds really bad but I just feel completely worthless and pathetic and alone. Sorry just needed to vent.