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Old 10-02-2009, 02:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I can't do this anymore


I cant cope with this level of drinking anymore. Feels like inside I'm struggling with myself. I vow never to drink and yet I still do. I'm 30 and unemployed and miserable. I say I'm not going to drink yet evening comes around and bf says I fancy a drink then we buy beer and I drink most of it. I have tired to log into chat on sr but my computer won't install it. Not sure why am posting I just feel rotten inside. My head is pounding I did so well last week and then I keep ruining it. :wtf2
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
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hi again Amelie,

I think we both know nothing changes if nothing changes.
You need to make something change for you, Amelie.

I'm sorry you can't get into chat.
I hope someone more knowledgeable than me can help you there LOL

D
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:40 AM   #3 (permalink)
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just like Dee said you need to make changes. PLease keep posting and seek help. many of us have stopped drinking and found a much better life.
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Sorry all for my post - you all must get v bored of me and my repetitive behaviour. I wasnt sure if i should post at all really.
I think i have reached an all time low this time. I joined smart recocvery website and i am trying to log into to their meeting chat thing and have downloaded the information. i get so cross with myself and think - why cant i do this like i did before. I have been trying again and again. Reading books and on the forum.

I dont think it helps living with someone who likes to drink and who cant understand my issues with it. He says why cant you just control yourself - i tried to explain my problem he doesnt get it. Thinks that I have not set my boundaries. I dont mean to get really drunk - i dont think i have any realisation once i have had a drink of when to stop till it has gone. I dont really do anything bad either. The only problems he sees with it as I tend to drink his share.

He is working away from next week so that will help me. I am not sure whether reading so much about all this helps or just brings up the thought of drinking / not drink dilemma more. Maybe I should just stop reading so much, stop drinking and just get on with it.
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Old 10-02-2009, 03:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I know that miserable feeling and yeah it was a bottom for me. I decided to make some changes because I wanted to be happy and alcohol wasnt doing it for me anymore.

IT can be done and IT will make you feel better!

FYI: 'IT' = sobriety
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Old 10-02-2009, 03:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Sounds like you may have reached a point where you're getting towards being done with booze and your willing to do what it takes to change your life in-order to be able to give it up. Have you thought of going to an AA meeting in your local area? There are loads in the UK as there are a lot of people just like you and me.

I guess I was fortunate in a way that booze had took me to such a level that I was single and struggling to look after myself let alone be with another person. I hated myself when drinking towards the last few years so I had driven any friends/girlfriends away. Luckily my parents never gave up on me and stuck by me despite putting them through witnessing me blackout drunk 1000's times and all of the abnormal and irrational/antisocial behaviour that brings with it.

It can be done if you truly wan't it. Just remember to take it "One day at a time". It really does help when you think of just not drinking for today.

All the best...
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Old 10-02-2009, 03:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Amelie, don't think that you're boring anyone. Unfortunately for some picking up over and over again with having every intention of quitting just doesn't happen.

I don't know if you've hit an AA/NA meeting and gotten a sponsor and started working the steps, but that's my suggestion. It's what has really worked for me and has given me the tools I need everyday to stay sober.

Please keep posting and reading. That's what this great, wonderful, kick @ss site is here for!! My best to you. :ghug3
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:13 AM   #8 (permalink)
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i just managed to enter chat!!!!!!!!!! so happy iv tried to enter it since it started and been unsucessful and when i was about to give up i did it.
maybe there is hope for me yet!Thanks everyone.
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Yes now that i can get into the chat room i will log in tonight for the meeting.

Still cant get over the fact i managed to get into the chat - i was nearly giving up trying. How lucky was that. Things are looking up!!!
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi Amelie and welcome to Sober Recovery.

Quote:
I don't know if you've hit an AA/NA meeting and gotten a sponsor and started working the steps, but that's my suggestion. It's what has really worked for me and has given me the tools I need everyday to stay sober.
Me too. It was the only way I could stay sober. Good luck.
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:58 AM   #11 (permalink)
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There is always hope Amelie. This time last year I couldn't see a future for me other than clutching at the fleeting euphoria/numbness/loss of reality of my next binge. I was hopelessly depressed and felt like I had wasted such a promising life and I was resigning myself to a life of sadness and alcoholism TBH. I used to think "well at least that makes me happy, if only for a few hours; I'd rather take that than nothing at all"

My binges were getting heavier and my behaviour/emotions more and more extreme and I couldn't see a way of how I could have a future as I always knew that no matter what I did there would always be a binge around the corner and then I would be bed-ridden/mentally F*cked and back to square one. I was banned from driving (2years for drink driving) I had been arrested for cocaine possesion and in a job in which I hated and merely lived for finishing Friday and getting wasted to forget about life basically. Shortly after that I quit my job before I was disciplined for missing work when still binging etc and was unemployed and in a mess. The next 7months basically consisted of short periods of hoping for a future without booze only to be brought crashing down again a couple of weeks later after a massive bender and total despair. I couldn't see a way how I could not have my best friend (booze) in my life. It took me 3 separate spells in AA meetings and much posting here to finally reach where I am now. I remember my last binge well. I had 5 days in 7 completely wasted on booze/drugs and hanging out with people who I would never hang around with when sober. I was ashamed of myself. I went down to London to see an old friend and spent 3 days solidly smashed without sleep. The low that I felt when coming down was well and truly my "moment of clarity"; I knew I had to get out and commit 100% to total abstinance from booze or likely be dead in the next 5 years. I am 23 BTW.

Now I feel positivity about my future and my life is sooo different. I have a lovely car which I am proud to drive. I feel alert/positive and relatively happy (what is happiness anyway?) and most of all I am not ashamed of myself anymore. I am doing well at my new job and I am going to be applying to go back to University next Sept. I feel like the person that I was at 15 years old again. A person who is respected by people and achieves at a high level in what he does. I have my passion for music back again and have been performing gigs over the last few months.

I love not having to worry about the total insanity and uncertainty of my future anymore. I know my destiny is in my own hands now and not in the hands of a chemical.

I love being sober "one day at a time" 86 days sober today. It really is worth it and the results will speak for themselves. I feel at peace once again.

Peace and Love xxx
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:19 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Amelie in order for me to get and stay sober I had to be willing to step out side of my comfort zone over and over again.

My comfort zone for the last 5 years of my drinking was sitting alone in my garage drinking, listening to the radio, reading the newspaper, hating the world and myself. In the years before that I had tried over and over again to stop and or control my drinking.... but only doing things I was comfortable with........ sadly about the only thing I was comfortable with was drinking, so I never did stay stopped for long because I was not in my comfort zone.


Things that I did that involved me stepping out of my comfort zone in order to stop drinking and STAY stopped.

1. Calling the alcohol & drug hotline and admitting I had a drinking problem was far from being comfortable, but I did not want to die from my alcoholism ALONE!

2. Going to the doctors appointment and telling the TRUTH about how much I drank, how long I had been drinking, and what happened to me when I drank or did not drink. This was WAY outside of my comfort zone, telling the truth about my drinking to some one else!!!! I had never told anyone the TRUTH about my drinking, but I did not want to die from my alcoholism ALONE!

3. The doctor told me I needed to be medically detoxed! Now this was WAY outside of my comfort zone!!!! Being basically locked up, given all kinds of meds to keep away the shakes, the DTs, cut down on the anxiety, & to control my blood pressure during withdrawals and not drinking!!!! Talking with shrinks, therapist & counselors, being taught about alcoholism, participating in group sessions and worst of all going to an AA meeting every night!!! This all was WAY WAY WAY outside of my comfort zone!!! I did not want to do that, but I did not want to die from my alcoholism ALONE!

4. In detox they kept telling us over and over again "If you want to stand a chance at long term sobriety you should go to at least 90 AA meeting in 90 days and get a sponsor." Once again, another BIG step outside of my comfort zone!!! I did not have time for that crap!!!! I worked full time and had a family (Barely)! My counselor and I spoke about this and he asked me "Are you willing to commit as much time to recovery as you did to drinking?" Well even though this was way out my comfort zone I did commit to doing just that..... which of course meant that I went to far more then 90 meetings in 90 days and I did get a sponsor.

I had to be willing to do what ever it took to stay sober no matter what it was, I had to step out side of my comfort zone every single day!!!!

My old comfort zone was drinking and doing things with people that involved drinking.

Are you willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober no matter what it is?

Are you willing to step outside of your comfort zone over and over again until you get comfortable in sobriety?
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Old 10-02-2009, 06:01 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Amelie,

I'm glad you are continuing to try to stay sober.

It's going to be hard to be around someone who is drinking. I know for me, I could not have done that in early recovery. It wouldn't have worked for me.

Keep reading and posting.
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Old 10-02-2009, 07:20 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Hi, Amelie,

Throwing in my 2 cents worth here. You have some excellent input from experienced, knowledgeable people.

I believe your system, like mine, cannot tolerate alcohol. Instant idiot, just add alcohol. And that means even one!

If you tell your SO flat out you're allergic to it or cannot systemically handle it or just plain don't want it and he doesn't support you in that, he is not behaving in a loving way. Maybe he needs more education. But this is so important to your well-being now and for the rest of your life, you can't let him stand in your way.

I'll hesh now.
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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That sucks that you don't get the support at home that you'd like. I wouldn't be able to live with or be in a relationship with a heavy drinker, my sobriety is too important to me, and can be so fragile sometimes.

Hopefully I will see you in chat sometime
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Old 10-02-2009, 03:09 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Sorry all I need to go to bed it's 11 pm here meeting doesn't start till 2am
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