coming_clean

It's difficult to stay believing in myself. I've been coming here and writing for two years now or so, and i've been relapsing dozens of time.
I invest most of my energy , health and money in getting high, and then coming down again, etc. etc. etc. A continues circle that leads to nowere but down the drain.
It's hard to face to facts. I have start all over again. The four clean months I gained this summer have been undone. I'm smoking weed everyday almost all day again. And, ofcourse, it started with this one joint.
I even ate hallucinating truffels last weekend with my girlfriend. She ended up in a bad trip which was really really scary for her but also for me. I didn't open my eyes or anything. Monday, tuesday and wednesday I got high again.

What i'm gonna do this time to stay sober;

powernaps, replace coffee by tea, call my girlfriend when i want to get high cause she offered to help me, doing usefull stuff like studying, working, cleaning,

I once again came to the conclusion that i don't have a clue what a sober life is. I started smoking weed when i was 14. Been smoking it almost daily ever since. Now'i'm 25!!! All together i had about 2 years sobertime.

I'VE BEEN HIGH FOR ONE THIRD OF MY LIFE!!!!!

Tazman53

coming_clean welcome back! You say:

Then you say:

Have you considered working a program of recovery?

I know I tried all kinds of wonderful ways of staying sober for a lot of years and all it wound up leading to was a 5 year long period in my life of not drawing a sober breath. Every single one of my plans involved vertually no effort on my part, the one plan I tried over and over again was the "I will stay busy doing useful things plan!" LOL It took me numerous failures at this to see that staying busy doing useful things was boring as hell and what does an alcoholic like me do when he is bored? Well I would become anxious, irratable, and discontent which always took me back to my old comfort....... drunbk again.

When I finally was willing to do what ever it took to stay sober I got into a recovery plan and I WORKED it!!! I continue to WORK it.

Have you thought that maybe after 2 years with dozens of relapses that maybe it is time to try some way other then your way?

Trust me if all it took to get and stay clean and sober was to take powernaps, replace coffee by tea, call a friend when one wants to get high or drunk no one would have an issue with alcoholism or drug addiction!!!

Wolfchild

keithj

Coming_clean,

I'll just pile on to what Taz said. The absolute biggest deterrent for me getting sober was having a plan to do so. As long as I 'knew' what I needed to do, I stayed drunk.

I can't tell you how many I've witnessed this with others. It seems universal for alcoholics unable to stay sober. I've seen so much evidence of this, that I think even my or your own plan would work, as long as truly believed it wasn't my own plan.

When I gave up knowing what I needed, I began open to recover. Read Chapter 71 of the Tao Te Ching.

CarolD

Hmm....
When I knew those hallucinating mushrooms/truffels
were grown in piles of manure ....I quit using them.

Tazman53

LOL I knew that before they were offered to me the first time, I skipped the manureshrooms!