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Old 09-30-2009, 11:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Relapsed after Mom's death


Hi, and I'd like to say "it's good to be back," but it's not--it sucks and it hurts and I need to find a meeting and a sponsor.

I started to identify my problem/issue with alcohol five years ago after the birth of my first daughter; another Christian friend had real freedom to indulge in "the fruit of the vine" as she called it, and invited me to join her and another gal for a glass of wine out on the porch with our babies...I drank half the glass and was terrified; after being sober during my pregnancy, I now had to figure our my relationship with alcohol as a fairly new Christian and now a Mommy. This friend and I eventually talked about my issue with alcohol, and I went to about five AA meetings to try and find out if I am really an alcoholic. For a while, I thought I was. I started reading the Big Book and actually embraced the process; then, gradually, I convinced myself otherwise!

My story starts when I gave my life to Christ (on my kitchen floor) as I realized that I could not control alcohol; it controlled me and almost cost me my marriage; then, I survived the past 12 years w/o any out-of-control binge drinking.

Over the years, however, I attempted controlled drinking more and more frequently--"Oh, I can have a glass of wine with my husband..." and "Hey, even Susan drank some wine at dinner..." then, "Oops, I got a bit tipsy! He he he..." and "Two glasses is ok, it's with dinner..." Started becoming a connaseur (sp?) again, shared a couple of beers with my husband on vacation...drank with the husband and a friend, almost kissed the friend, oh, but I haven't drank any liquor...

So Mom died April 18, and I have been drunk three times since then. The last time, I got totally out-of-control blacked-out wasted, said the 'f' word over and over again just because I liked saying it (and loudly) in front of many of my peers/colleagues/ constituents, asked people for pot, cried on a shoulder, and propositioned someone to do it in the woods. Out of control.

My Mom died in April; in hindsight, I'm surprised that all this didn't happen sooner! I stopped seeking God, and went into denial about Mom's death; almost had an affair and ruined my life because that type of pain was more tolerable than the pain of losing Mom. Received God's and my husband's forgiveness for my indiscretions, and now I am here.

Even after the last 'binge,' I continued sipping the wine (even in midday) and drank one of my husband's beers once the wine was gone. I have gone through the jitters over the past day and a half and am craving a drink terribly; my God is an Awesome God, though, and He promises, "Draw near to Me, and I will draw near to you."

So much for an eloquent first post! Thank you for 'listening." I have enjoyed reading many of the posts here and look forward to learning and growing more.
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Old 09-30-2009, 11:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR, Cole26. Lots of support around here.

You might try eating something sweet to take away the cravings... candies work for me.

Hope you stay around,

Take care,
-TB
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Old 09-30-2009, 11:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cole26 View Post
I am really an alcoholic. For a while, I thought I was. I started reading the Big Book and actually embraced the process; then, gradually, I convinced myself otherwise!
Been there, done that. Something I've heard at meetings, while I'm busy sharing at the table my alcoholism is out in the parking lot doing pushups.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 09-30-2009, 11:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Cole

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, but I'm glad to see you coming here and taking the first steps to come to grips with this.

You'll find a lot of support here.

If the jitters get worse please do see a doctor.

Hope to see you around some more
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Old 10-01-2009, 01:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi Cole to SR.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom, she is in a better place with passed friends, family & in Gods hands. Waiting patiently for you to be with her in eternity. I still feel that I haven't gotten over the death of my Mother, I do know that she is in a better place & watching over me.

Glad to have you here with us

Take Care,

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Old 10-01-2009, 02:03 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome Cole,

Sorry to hear about your mothers death. Losing a parent is something I have not experienced yet, but I can just imagine the pain of your loss.

It sounds lke you gain great peace and strength from your Christian faith. I pray that God grant you peace and comfort during this difficult time and guv e you the strength and power to continue in your sobriety.:praying

Lots of experience strentgh and hope here on this forum! lots of good people too!
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Old 10-01-2009, 02:12 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome back, and im sorry for the passing of your mom. Sincerest condolencies :ghug3
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Old 10-01-2009, 02:27 AM   #8 (permalink)
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! I found this site in June of 09', started reading and began posting soon after. Then made the decision to stop the " craziness " for good ( canít remember the exact day). Since then I messed up one time for 2 days. Now today i am starting month 3 of real recovery!
I think more clearly, feel better about myself, am more positive than ever and my family is proud of me again!
Keep reading keep posting, Listen to the advice given and let God have a chance to work.
This is an Awesome place to get the support and help you need- I am a living example!
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Old 10-01-2009, 02:47 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR cole26, my condolances on your mother, both of my parents have been home for some time now. Funny thing but I know that they are still there for me.

Meetings and a sponsor are an excellent idea, seek out a temporary sponsor fairly soon is what has been best from my own experience, my temporary sponsor was an awesome man that helped me to stay sober my first 2 months and gave me great guidance in finding a permanent sponsor with whom I took the steps.

Meetings alone are all that is needed for some folks, for others like myself, meetings alone were not enough, I took the steps with my sponsor and apply them to all areas of my life today. My higher Power that I choose to call God for conveniance lifted my obsession and even any desire for a drink in less then a year.

The steps were the solution for me, not only for my alcoholism but all areas of my life.

It sounds as though you already have a Higher Power of your understanding, that is an awesome beginning. Here is what I found to be the 3 most important things in me getting and staying sober:

1. Being brutally honest with myself and politely honest with others.
2. Keeping an open mind to all things until I have given them an honest try.
3. Staying willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober and to change for the better.
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Old 10-01-2009, 03:22 AM   #10 (permalink)
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First off, forgive yourself for your negative behaviors and start fresh with today. Don't drink for today. Seeing your doctor for help to get thru withdrawal would be a good idea too.

Have you thought about a program of recovery? Like AA or Women for Sobriety or the christian-based Celebrate Recovery. Having face to face support can be very helpful. But in the end it comes down to you not taking that first drink. Take it one day at a time. Just don't drink for today.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, but as you already know, there's no problem so bad that alcohol can't make it worse.
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Old 10-01-2009, 05:52 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks for responding so quickly to my post! The AA-type fellowship/empathy/understanding is only found among those of us who share the journey; you said to "let God have a chance to work," and that is my biggest struggle right now because truly seeking God means coming out of denial that Mom is gone. My pain that triggered my drinking-lie solution is the unresolved issues that I had with Mom; I am in a grief support group, but now that I fell off the wagon, your encouragement is what I need! (and prayer) Thank you much - Cole
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Old 10-01-2009, 06:29 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hey! I ate about half of a big bag of M&Ms before I read your advice! I am feeling better today. I have to keep an eye on overdoing food too... Compulsive people do compulsive things.

Blessings to you, and thanks for your speedy response and welcome. Cole
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Old 10-01-2009, 06:35 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Cole part of the steps is resolving the very issues you speak of, you sound to me like you are where I was when I first sobered up. I had a TON of baggage from my past as well as guilt and shame with a big case of the resentments that really hit me hard being sober.

I leaned hard on the fellowship for the first 2 months of my sobriety, at least a meeting a day and talking to at least 3 folks in AA on the phone every day and one day the caca really hit the fan, if I had of had a drink in front of me I would have drank it right then and there. I did what my sponsor had suggested and prayed for the strength to call some one in the fellowship before I had that drink and after speaking to some one I calmed down and did not drink.

I knew then that I had to take the steps with my sponsor or I was going to get drunk again. I did take the steps with my sponsor starting right after that, and some time after doing step 5 with my sponsor that obsession for a drink, even the idea of a drink was lifted from me.
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Old 10-01-2009, 06:47 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Old 10-01-2009, 07:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Hello, cole. Have you thought about one on one therapy?

Welcome and hang in there.
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Old 10-01-2009, 11:30 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Thanks for your speedy response, sailorjohn! I'll have to join my alcoholism for push-ups sometime, but not outside in the parking lot during a meeting...

Jesus is the Way and the Truth and the Life; I just have to stay on His path and not return to my own vomit. Proverbs 26:11 says, "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." Been there, done that, as you say!
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Old 10-01-2009, 11:39 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Thanks for the suggestion and your speedy response! I was in individual psychotherpary with an awesome Christian counselor for almost two years before my Mom died; most of our counsel was about my relationship with Mom too. Very very helpful indeed. I decided to take a break because when she first died, I figured I could do some grief management on my own with a grief support group and my pastor while still practicing some of the therapy items I have learned. So, you ask, "How's that workin' out for ya'?" Well, it now feels like I needed to get away from the counselor SO I COULD DRINK AND NOT BE ACCOUNTABLE!!! How bad does that suck? I am now accountable to my pastor and a good friend who have both had a past life with alcohol/drugs/etc.

I am prayerfully pondering reentering therapy when I am released to do so, but at $110 per hour, I'll see where the current supports lead me. And, I REALLY NEED TO GET TO A MEETING, so that will be my next most immediate mission besides connecting with this support site. Thanks again for 'listening!' Blessings - Cole
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Old 10-01-2009, 01:34 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Hi cole, welcome to sr. So sorry for your loss. My mom passed away 5 months into my sobriety, I had not seen her in 10 years although we had occassionally talked on the phone. I got to the hospital before she was technically gone but she never opened her eyes again. I had a lot of issues with my mother but with God's help all of those issues left when she left this earth. I have chosen to honor my mother by my continued sobriety, although I could tell all what she didn't do right she did bring me into this world and she did the best she could. I found the ability to forgive through the bible and through my faith in God; there are so many things said about forgiveness in the bible (just google: bible forgiveness) but the main point I kept getting was you have to forgive others in order to be forgiven. Since I have forgiven those in my life who I felt harmed me I have found a serenity that I never thought possible. I wish you strength.
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Old 10-01-2009, 08:02 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Old 10-01-2009, 10:38 PM   #20 (permalink)
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After the deaths of loved ones.....I've found Psalmns 23 comforting.
And....
prayer is a vital part of my AA recovery.

Blessings to you and your family
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