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Old 09-30-2009, 12:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Gay - sponsor?


hi I am new to this forum but have been in program for awhile. I need anonymous help with the following: I am a lesbian who attends AA and now feel ready to ask a sponsor. I understand that men shouldn't ask women, and women should not ask men because of possible emotional/personal boundaries that any of us may be likely to cross. But what is a gay person to do? Should I ask a man to be my sponsor, because asking a woman could potentially lead to the same problems that men/women face in sponsorship? I really could use some guidance here! thank you
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Old 09-30-2009, 12:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I can't answer your question, Unda, as I don't attend AA - but I do want to welcome you to SR Lots of support here, hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be able to help you out.

Whenever you get a chance, check out SR's GLBT forum: GLBT Forum It's campy, supportive and fun

Take care, hope to see more of you.
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Old 09-30-2009, 12:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi Unda, and welcome.

The lesbian women I know in the program all have female sponsors. All straight female sponsors, as far as I know.

That said, sponsorship relationships are very personal. Trust your instinct. You don't necessarily need someone that can relate to you as much as you need someone who knows the program. Someone that can guide you through the steps using your own experience to a spiritual awakening.
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Old 09-30-2009, 01:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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In my mind (straight person talking here), folks are often better served sticking with same sex sponsors. Men and women often see things differently and I know I tend to relate better to males than females when it comes to some of the more personal stuff.

Romantic entanglements can become an issue for some - but I think the former trumps.

Just my opinion.
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Old 09-30-2009, 01:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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thank you

thank you so much for your kind words. I will consider thoughtfully. And with appreciation.
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Old 09-30-2009, 02:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Unda.

I'm not an AAer but I wanted to say hi - welcome to SR

D
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Old 09-30-2009, 03:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I have no advice for you Unda, but I want to welcome you!
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Old 09-30-2009, 05:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hello, unda. Welcome!
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Old 09-30-2009, 05:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I have sponsored gay women, it has not been an issue. I personally have no issue with men sponsoring woman and vice versa, as long as the sponsor is in fit spiritual condition and is part of an accountability group that makes sure the motives are pure. My advice, pray about it and see what God has to say, I wish you well.
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Old 09-30-2009, 07:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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kindness

I am very grateful for your insight and support everybody. I feel very welcome here!
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Old 09-30-2009, 08:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR!

I'm a lesbian (specifically a q*eer femme) Al Anon member; the person who actually acts as my "sponsor" is a straight AA woman. We're both "real girly girls," but she's attracted to men and I'm attracted to butches. It's a little different, but it works. I guess I usually think of the "men work with men and women work with women" "rule" (and remember, really, there are no rules in the usual sense in AA!) as fundamentally coming down to the issue that it's just too likely to lead to awkwardness and other problems/complications if one finds oneself sexually attracted to the person upon whom one relies most heavily for program guidance and support. And who, especially in early recovery, needs more awkwardness and problems and complications????

So, find somebody who has what you want -- in terms of program, not sex-appeal -- and ask him/her to be a temporary sponsor, and, then, just trust your HP and see what happens.

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Last edited by freya; 09-30-2009 at 08:24 PM.
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Old 09-30-2009, 10:01 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freya View Post
...fundamentally coming down to the issue that it's just too likely to lead to awkwardness and other problems/complications if one finds oneself sexually attracted to the person upon whom one relies most heavily for program guidance and support. And who, especially in early recovery, needs more awkwardness and problems and complications????
So, find somebody who has what you want -- in terms of program, not sex-appeal -- and ask him/her to be a temporary sponsor, and, then, just trust your HP and see what happens. freya
Couldn't have said it better.

FWIW my girlfriend had a male sponsee who was gay. The combination seemed to work until he, like a lot of us in early (and not so early) recovery, stopped coming by, stopped going to meetings (at least the ones we were seeing him at), stopped calling, stopped returning phone calls and eventually disappeared.
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Old 09-30-2009, 11:34 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Welcome, unda.

I don't know much about sponsorship in AA. But welcome.

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Old 10-01-2009, 12:22 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR Unda
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Old 10-01-2009, 03:08 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR unda, I totally concur with what freya said. Look for some one who has solid sobriety, has taken the steps with a sponsor them selfs, someone who has what you want & you are pretty certain there will be no attraction in either direction.

BTW I am a straight guy and I will confess that in my younger days I did have a "fascination" with and an attraction to femme lesbians so keep that in mind when choosing a sponsor.

AA is imho an awesome program that works for many people that is full of people not all of whom are awesome! LOL
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Old 10-01-2009, 03:47 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Hi unda!! I have a gay girlfriend who has a gay man as a sponsor which is her preference. She did NOT want a female sponsor because she didn't want any kind of connection going on being that the sponsor/sponsee relationship tends to get close in certain areas. Others tried to tell her differently going along the "rules" of the program but she was absolutely adamant about the decision and disregarded others opinions to the "rules", I was really proud of her for taking care of herself.

Good luck and welcome to SR!!! Great site here, hope you'll stick around.
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