Cath1029

Wasn't quite sure where to post this. I'm sure I will get flamed either way. I just thought it was better for me to be honest and gain the wisdom rather than lie and pretend I'm doing so wonderfully. I know that honesty is at the core of this program and the way I want to proceed.

My AH called this weekend and said he wanted to go to a meeting with me, that he was ready. Of course, I have been wanting to hear this all along, so I agreed to pick him up and take him with me. We came back to my place, only it turned out that he had stuffed a bottle of vodka in his bag and was drinking it in my bathroom. He proceeded to get so drunk that he could barely stand, was alternately laughing and crying, punching walls, vomiting, babbling nonsense, walking around with his pants around his ankles, you name it.

Once it was obvious that he was drunk, he offered the bottle to me several times, saying I needed to have some and relax. I was completely grossed out and refused. I had no desire whatsoever, especially after looking at him. At one point, the bottle was sitting on the table in front of me and looked like poison, and AH looked disgusting drinking it.

I left him there and went over to my friends' house, the people I told you about last week who are in program and so wonderful to me. We went out onto the back porch and talked and read and prayed to put the focus back on me and to take care of my own health and well being. I felt a lot better. I then followed that up with a Big Book step meeting and calling my sponsor and talking to her for a while to try and get back on track.

Once AH sobered up, I told him that it was his decision if he wanted to kill himself, but that I wasn't going to watch him do it anymore. I told him he totally grossed me out and that I had my own self to take care of. Of course, he dismissed the whole thing and didn't want to talk about it and went home.

So why did I even take the call from AH in the first place, much less go and pick him up? Because I wanted so much to believe in him and that he was ready and willing to do what it took to get well, even after everything horrible that has happened. Because the part of me that still loves him despite all the madness was delusional enough to think that he could be healed and that we could live happily ever after.

But his disease is very strong, and my disease wants me back, and maybe it wouldn't be so easy for me to resist next time. So I can't put that risk in front of me anymore and throw away everything good I have done and learned so far.

I want to connect spiritually and study and do my work to the best of my ability. I don't want to lose the people I have grown so close to in such a short time or the newfound relationship I have with HP. It has brought me nothing but good and amazing things, and AH has brought me nothing but pain and misery and the loss of everything I hold dear.

I know I risk taking a verbal beating for sharing this with you guys. Believe me, I have been giving one to myself ever since it happened, but thank you for letting me be honest.

Dee74

Hi Cath
No beatings scheduled for today

I always want to believe the best in people - and sometimes that's been to my detriment. I've learnt, slowly and sometimes painfully, that there are some people I can't help - or trust....or even, sometimes, be around.

If trying to help someone is dangerous, or even harmful to me, thats co-dependency.

I really hope your AH will 'get it' soon, but right now - he's active in his addiction, he's not got your best interests at heart, he's a loose cannon - and thats not good for you, Cath.

I'm really proud of the way you handled it, and I'm really happy to hear you so committed - but we both know that this kind of thing is not something you need right now.

You and your recovery comes first Cath - you're no good to anyone - especially yourself and yr daughter, if you get sucked back in.

D

yeahgr8

I hope you find the strength to stay away...and work on yourself. IMO i don't think love comes into this at all, sounds like you might need to get some help from F&F section and head down to codie meetings asap?! Good luck:-)

Cath1029

Yep, no question that codependency is a HUGE problem. I have been to F&F so many times that I'm sure they're sick of seeing my posts by now, especially because in instances like this it seems that I haven't learned a thing.

Truthfully, I wasn't even going to write about this except for the fact that I thought it might be helpful to be honest and listen. The same reason I told my sponsor and friends, because I have lived with my own lies for years and don't want to live like that anymore. I want what those people have and can't make time for others who obviously have no interest in me or even in themselves.

So yeah, codependency is a big problem that I struggle with, but I'm willing to keep working on it.

sailorjohn

Just a thought, please don't take offense, did you ever consider that you may be struggling with a process addiction re your AH? It was pointed out to me that my relationship with my achxgf-that's a mouthful-had more of the characteristics of an addiction than anything else. And something that we alcoholics-and addicts do frequently, substitute one addiction for another.

vegibean

I think it's understandable that you would have been willing to help him get to a meeting. Sorry to hear it went all the way in the opposite direction. Stay strong Cath, you're doing great!!! It's all going to get better, stay the path and you'll get there.

least

Just focus on your recovery. You can't help AH and he may drag you down if you keep in contact with him. Just drop him and focus on yourself. (((hugs)))

Cath1029

Yes, I do believe that I have had an addiction to AH for just as long as I have had to alcohol or pills, for the last 3+ years. I fully admit it.

I have not even known myself as a separate entity from him, had no idea who I even was. I'm just now starting to learn, and I don't want anything to interfere with that. It's why I was honest here about what happened. I am powerless.

The first relationship that I want is with myself right now. I need it desperately. My codie behavior did pop up when AH expressed a "desire" for help, but I felt good being strong enough to let him know that I wasn't going to be around him since he could not help himself. I never would have been able to say that before, and I will pray and work as hard as possible to ensure it stays that way.

Thanks to all of you for being gentle, yet firm. It was what I was hoping to find here.

Wolfchild

Anna

I hope you can focus on yourself and stay sober.

endzoner

Bravo Cath on being honest with us .. Im so glad to see that your hanging in there . I had posted in Sept if anyone had seen you .. Glad for the most part things are ok for you. Im super proud of you for not caving in and joining his plight to get you to drink , your learning an growing evewn if you dont relize it . had that happend some weeks ago you mite not have been so strong . but you didnt bend and you did the right thing by leaving and going to a safe place .. this is your time , your recovery , your choice.. way to go hun .. and dont kick your self for wanting to beleive in him , many have done so and your sharing of what happend can help another , Im glad to see you million huggles .. Endzy

Skeeter2

Way to maintain boundaries, but I agree with previous posts that encourage you to focus on yourself. You can only do so much for someone who doesn't want to help himself and life is short. Take care ...