I am finally here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 27
I am finally here.
Well - I am finally here - it is saturday evening and I am on day 6 of not drinking. I am a mother of a 1 year old girl - and have been trying to manage my drinking for waaaay too long. I guess I am a functioning drinker - have a job, child, married, friends, hobbies, play sports, etc but I feel that I have been living this lie for so long. I don't start to drink until the baby is in bed and then it is 1,2,3...4...4 1/2.. drinks a night (weekdays) then more weekend nights. I read somewhere where it said it is not the amount but how you feel when you drink - lately I really feel like I just want to keep going. I gulp those first glasses and then try to hard to think of ways to sneak in a few more w/o people noticing too much. I was putting so much effort and time into it every night. I would leave just a little at the end of each bottle so it did not seem like I was finishing the wine bottle every night.
Or my latest trick was to have one beer and then the wine.
Then morning come and I would feel so -ugh- sluggish, tired, wiped out - blame it on the baby or something.
So - last Sunday I just decided to stop. Stop it all. no more "well we are hosting a small party friday night so I will have a little" or just Thursday-Saturday drinking which leads to Wed-Sat, Tues-Sun.. etc.
I am doing it for my health - for how I feel like I am wasting all these years feeling crappy so I can have a couple hours at night of 'happiness'. My dad is a big drinker. He becomes a complete jerko when he drinks and here I am with my daughter.. I have a HUGE family history of drinking/alcoholism and here I am tempting it. I drank all thru high school, college and in my twenties that was probably the worst. Now I am in my late thirties and I have slowed down but I am still battling it. It is SO MUCH ENGERY to live this way.
So here I am now - Saturday night - feel tired and I want to just cry and how easy it would be to just have a drink and make it all go away and be 'happy'.
But I decided instead to write this long (rambling) post. Thanks for listening this website has been sooooo helpful.
Or my latest trick was to have one beer and then the wine.
Then morning come and I would feel so -ugh- sluggish, tired, wiped out - blame it on the baby or something.
So - last Sunday I just decided to stop. Stop it all. no more "well we are hosting a small party friday night so I will have a little" or just Thursday-Saturday drinking which leads to Wed-Sat, Tues-Sun.. etc.
I am doing it for my health - for how I feel like I am wasting all these years feeling crappy so I can have a couple hours at night of 'happiness'. My dad is a big drinker. He becomes a complete jerko when he drinks and here I am with my daughter.. I have a HUGE family history of drinking/alcoholism and here I am tempting it. I drank all thru high school, college and in my twenties that was probably the worst. Now I am in my late thirties and I have slowed down but I am still battling it. It is SO MUCH ENGERY to live this way.
So here I am now - Saturday night - feel tired and I want to just cry and how easy it would be to just have a drink and make it all go away and be 'happy'.
But I decided instead to write this long (rambling) post. Thanks for listening this website has been sooooo helpful.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Hi and Welcome,
You are so right, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to live the life of an alcoholic. I was constantly worrying about something I said, about someone I called, about an appointment I missed. It never stopped. It was such a relief to stop drinking and breathe and to begin to recover. You can do this and we are here to support you!
You are so right, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to live the life of an alcoholic. I was constantly worrying about something I said, about someone I called, about an appointment I missed. It never stopped. It was such a relief to stop drinking and breathe and to begin to recover. You can do this and we are here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 158
You're right -- for me, it didn't matter the amount -- when I was in it, I was in it. And having just got sober this year, the difference between being in it and not... Everything is so much different now. Not just health, but the way that each day is real, and not something that just ticks by. Each one, it gets better.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Welcome to our recovery community.
Your post reminded me of me. I wouldn't drink until my daughters were in bed - somehow, in my mind, this made it 'okay'. I made it to work, owned my own home, etc - but I was drinking most nights and every weekend. I wasn't emotionally available to my children when they needed me the most. I was consumed with drinking, although I didn't know it at the time.
My youngest girl turned 14 today. I haven't had a drink in a while now, and she and I are very close. My eldest is 17 and she's just beginning to let me back into her life after being estranged for several years.
You've got a shot at living a life beyond your wildest dreams. I'm glad you're here.
Your post reminded me of me. I wouldn't drink until my daughters were in bed - somehow, in my mind, this made it 'okay'. I made it to work, owned my own home, etc - but I was drinking most nights and every weekend. I wasn't emotionally available to my children when they needed me the most. I was consumed with drinking, although I didn't know it at the time.
My youngest girl turned 14 today. I haven't had a drink in a while now, and she and I are very close. My eldest is 17 and she's just beginning to let me back into her life after being estranged for several years.
You've got a shot at living a life beyond your wildest dreams. I'm glad you're here.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Hi there. I wasnt a drinker. But I am an addict. But I grew up in an alcoholic house.
My dad, gram and grandfather were all alcoholics.
My dad is 20+ yrs sober. My gramps died and gram drinks once in a great while.
So I can relate to it being in the family.
I am the only addict tho.
Great job on 6 days. The first few days are the hardest.
I dont think many people can 'manage' drinking. And I totally agree that its how you feel when drinking. Why you drink and all that stuff.
If your functioning in your life. That doesnt mean it isnt harming you in other ways. Like you already said you feel like crap.
And hiding and making excuses and being sneaky are all sign of being an alcoholic.
It would be very easy to just tip the bottle. But that wont do anything excpet make you feel worse and eventually make everything much harder.
I hope you feel better. Stay close with us if you need to. You are def not alone.
Glad you are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 27
Thanks to you all! It is really helpful to get all this support. I looked at my daughter this evening and realized how amazing it would be to be a good role model to her. I also, finally and honestly, said to my husband that I am stressed out and I need a time out. Instead of my usual walking to the fridge for another glass of wine - I went to our bedroom for a few minutes to relax.
Thanks again to everyone you all rock.
Thanks again to everyone you all rock.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: On my way
Posts: 173
welcome and thanks for posting
nothing is easy...but it is harder when you try it alone!! you have to find what will work for you, but without a doubt listening/reading our alcoholics talk, and then being able to share/write when you want will help more than you think, or even realize at the time. so keep reading and posting, and you will be on your way to finding what is gonna work for you good luck and thanks for sharing
nothing is easy...but it is harder when you try it alone!! you have to find what will work for you, but without a doubt listening/reading our alcoholics talk, and then being able to share/write when you want will help more than you think, or even realize at the time. so keep reading and posting, and you will be on your way to finding what is gonna work for you
good luck and thanks for sharing
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