New Sponsor & Unwillingness
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: upland, ca
Posts: 46
New Sponsor & Unwillingness
Hi Everyone -
It has been a while since I posted on here. I have been busy going to local meetings which has been really good most times. However, I need some advice on some stuff that I am not sure about & really don't want to bring it up in groups or with my temp sponsor.
About 2 weeks ago I asked a woman from a meeting to be my sponsor and she declined because she had relapses 6 months ago and recommended I come meet her sponsor. So I did at a group I had been to once before and had felt completely uncomfortable at the previous time. The reason for this was that I felt instantly smothered after walking in the door - about 20 people introduced themselves from the minute I had walked in the door. I couldn't keep up, and had been in my first week of sobriety. Also the group did not seem open to letting anyone talk - you were called upon to share after reading a few paragraphs from the book. So I hadn't been back to this particular group until now, and I broke down that night because the woman who had been recommended to me as a sponsor said something in the group that just cut to the quick - & I became a crying blithering mess. We exchanged numbers and met up later that week to discuss sponsorship.
From what I have heard she has a large success rate and has sponsored a majority of the woman in that group. One on one seemed okay so I thought she would be a good fit. She listed the groups she wanted me to attend, which I went to last week. The thing is that these new groups are not what I had expected. My new sponsor was surrounded by others she was sponsoring or had previously sponsored and there seemed to be a large dividing line in the group - with the other big honcho sponsor on the opposing side. I mean in was tense, and people started making comments to me when no one was around to hear. It was weird, completely distracting, and reminded me of high school cliques - and these were adult woman here.
So anyway I am still in my first week with my new sponsor and she is recommending that I quit going to the meeting I have felt the most at home at since I began - 42 days ago. Her reasoning is that she believes I need more structure in meetings and that people wallow in their own problems at that particular meeting. I have never gotten a group feel like what she is describing, maybe some people in the group act that way - but as a whole I don't see them that way. So she really wants me to go to a speaker meeting instead and I agree. And this meeting was just not a match for me at all. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin the minute I walked in. I was sat down with the other minions, and couldn't help overhear them talking about other people. I didn't want to tell anyone from this group anything about myself now & I really didn't want to have to listen to them either.
I don't know if this is my trying to control a situation, my unwillingness, or just good common sense? I just don't know - and I feel like if I stay in this group dynamic that I would want to drink more than if I go to meetings where I feel more comfortable and I don't have all these other issues to think about. Where I can actually focus on staying sober & working the program. I called another woman from the group that I felt at home at and she agreed to be my temp sponsor and she told me that I was not the first to have these feeling about the other meetings, and in fact many woman had had issues with this sponsor. Has anyone experienced this? Or have any input? I don't know how to interpret my own actions on this. And I don't want to make it personal either - I just simply am very uncomfortable and distracting to me.
Thank you.,
It has been a while since I posted on here. I have been busy going to local meetings which has been really good most times. However, I need some advice on some stuff that I am not sure about & really don't want to bring it up in groups or with my temp sponsor.
About 2 weeks ago I asked a woman from a meeting to be my sponsor and she declined because she had relapses 6 months ago and recommended I come meet her sponsor. So I did at a group I had been to once before and had felt completely uncomfortable at the previous time. The reason for this was that I felt instantly smothered after walking in the door - about 20 people introduced themselves from the minute I had walked in the door. I couldn't keep up, and had been in my first week of sobriety. Also the group did not seem open to letting anyone talk - you were called upon to share after reading a few paragraphs from the book. So I hadn't been back to this particular group until now, and I broke down that night because the woman who had been recommended to me as a sponsor said something in the group that just cut to the quick - & I became a crying blithering mess. We exchanged numbers and met up later that week to discuss sponsorship.
From what I have heard she has a large success rate and has sponsored a majority of the woman in that group. One on one seemed okay so I thought she would be a good fit. She listed the groups she wanted me to attend, which I went to last week. The thing is that these new groups are not what I had expected. My new sponsor was surrounded by others she was sponsoring or had previously sponsored and there seemed to be a large dividing line in the group - with the other big honcho sponsor on the opposing side. I mean in was tense, and people started making comments to me when no one was around to hear. It was weird, completely distracting, and reminded me of high school cliques - and these were adult woman here.
So anyway I am still in my first week with my new sponsor and she is recommending that I quit going to the meeting I have felt the most at home at since I began - 42 days ago. Her reasoning is that she believes I need more structure in meetings and that people wallow in their own problems at that particular meeting. I have never gotten a group feel like what she is describing, maybe some people in the group act that way - but as a whole I don't see them that way. So she really wants me to go to a speaker meeting instead and I agree. And this meeting was just not a match for me at all. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin the minute I walked in. I was sat down with the other minions, and couldn't help overhear them talking about other people. I didn't want to tell anyone from this group anything about myself now & I really didn't want to have to listen to them either.
I don't know if this is my trying to control a situation, my unwillingness, or just good common sense? I just don't know - and I feel like if I stay in this group dynamic that I would want to drink more than if I go to meetings where I feel more comfortable and I don't have all these other issues to think about. Where I can actually focus on staying sober & working the program. I called another woman from the group that I felt at home at and she agreed to be my temp sponsor and she told me that I was not the first to have these feeling about the other meetings, and in fact many woman had had issues with this sponsor. Has anyone experienced this? Or have any input? I don't know how to interpret my own actions on this. And I don't want to make it personal either - I just simply am very uncomfortable and distracting to me.
Thank you.,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
I have yet to have that feeling at a meeting to that degree, but I did have a very bad experience with my first sponsor.
The program is full of people, like myself, very human, very fallible.
My first sponsor was a real estate agent, I let him convince me that it was a good idea to buy a condo. While I was going through a divorce. While I still owned the first house with my ex-wife. Of course, he was going to get the split for the condo purchase.
He's still in the program, before I dropped him as my sponsor I got a pretty good look at his agenda, he's a bit of a hustler.
My case is an extreme example, none of this caused me to drink but it did cause me needless stress, and an additional recovery burden. On the upside, it forced me to look at one of my character defects, trusting people I shouldn't and not trusting people I should. Even in early sobriety, I think some of us-probably myself included-have the ability to make good decisions about who we want as a sponsor, and go with our gut instincts.
The program is full of people, like myself, very human, very fallible.
My first sponsor was a real estate agent, I let him convince me that it was a good idea to buy a condo. While I was going through a divorce. While I still owned the first house with my ex-wife. Of course, he was going to get the split for the condo purchase.
He's still in the program, before I dropped him as my sponsor I got a pretty good look at his agenda, he's a bit of a hustler.
My case is an extreme example, none of this caused me to drink but it did cause me needless stress, and an additional recovery burden. On the upside, it forced me to look at one of my character defects, trusting people I shouldn't and not trusting people I should. Even in early sobriety, I think some of us-probably myself included-have the ability to make good decisions about who we want as a sponsor, and go with our gut instincts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: upland, ca
Posts: 46
Thanks sailor and anna. Sorry to hear about your experience sailor, I know someone who just had a very similar experience to yours & it was devastating to her. Her trust and confidence were really damaged by the experience, so I am sorry to hear you went through that & hope you have found a better person to help you in your recovery.
I appreciate your comments.
I appreciate your comments.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Killingmesmalls,
These are all good questions you are asking. The answers aren't necessarily obvious. So much of what you are wondering about does not have to be any of your concern.
The requirements for a sponsor are fairly simple. That person needs to have had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps, and have the time and willingness to work with you on taking the Steps. I'm a firm believer in taking the Steps as described in the first 164 pages of the Big Book. That's where the directions for taking the Steps are located.
So all of the other stuff is optional. Whether or not you feel comfortable, whether or not other people have a good opinion of her, whether or not others look up to her, etc. Those are optional. Having someone that you trust is very nice, but that can grow in time.
That's it. The rest of it does not have to concern you. What step you are on should concern you. Is this woman showing you the directions out of the book that will lead to your own spiritual awakening?
You describe a situation which is open to some interpretation. I'll lay out some off the cuff thoughts for you to consider:
Not necessarily a bad thing. Very good groups tend to look after the newcomer and make sure they have access to all the help they can use. You may want to wade in slowly, but groups that have a lot of people willing and eager to help you tend to have a lot of solution in them. Contrast this against the groups that hand you a list of phone numbers because nobody really wants to get involved in helping you with your recovery.
Not necessarily a bad thing either. The topic is from the book, which is good. Keeping the meeting on that topic by selecting members to share can also be good. Not everyone in a meeting has any solution to share. Not everyone can share experience with a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. Some people can only share about the problem of alcoholism, and not the solution.
Again, some meetings contain mostly problem and little solution. I have no issue with suggesting certain meetings, although I've only rarely discouraged other meetings.
It's hard to say. If those meetings are just an ego trip for her, then something might be amiss. But if they are filled with people who have the solution, they might be great.
The thing is, it's tough to know the difference when you are new. You may feel much more comfortable in a room where everyone is sharing about similar problems as you. But sharing about those common problems won't necessarily lead anybody to sobriety.
Conversely, a meeting that talks solution may seem more foreign if you haven't taken the steps yet. The other meeting might feel comfortable, but is it what you need in order to get sober?
I would make the determination of whether the meetings were talking about the book and the solution contained within it, or whether they were talking about people's problems. Your comfort level will depend only on where you are at in your own recovery. As you move to the solution side of recovery, meetings with a lot of solution will feel more comfortable.
Then again, she might be a controlling, psycho, ego-driven sponsor. You have to look carefully at what she is having you do (is it out of the book?) and especially at her actions.
These are all good questions you are asking. The answers aren't necessarily obvious. So much of what you are wondering about does not have to be any of your concern.
The requirements for a sponsor are fairly simple. That person needs to have had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps, and have the time and willingness to work with you on taking the Steps. I'm a firm believer in taking the Steps as described in the first 164 pages of the Big Book. That's where the directions for taking the Steps are located.
So all of the other stuff is optional. Whether or not you feel comfortable, whether or not other people have a good opinion of her, whether or not others look up to her, etc. Those are optional. Having someone that you trust is very nice, but that can grow in time.
That's it. The rest of it does not have to concern you. What step you are on should concern you. Is this woman showing you the directions out of the book that will lead to your own spiritual awakening?
You describe a situation which is open to some interpretation. I'll lay out some off the cuff thoughts for you to consider:
Originally Posted by killingmesmalls 
...I felt instantly smothered after walking in the door - about 20 people introduced themselves from the minute I had walked in the door.
Originally Posted by killingmesmalls
Also the group did not seem open to letting anyone talk - you were called upon to share after reading a few paragraphs from the book.
Originally Posted by killingmesmalls
She listed the groups she wanted me to attend,
It's hard to say. If those meetings are just an ego trip for her, then something might be amiss. But if they are filled with people who have the solution, they might be great.
The thing is, it's tough to know the difference when you are new. You may feel much more comfortable in a room where everyone is sharing about similar problems as you. But sharing about those common problems won't necessarily lead anybody to sobriety.
Conversely, a meeting that talks solution may seem more foreign if you haven't taken the steps yet. The other meeting might feel comfortable, but is it what you need in order to get sober?
I would make the determination of whether the meetings were talking about the book and the solution contained within it, or whether they were talking about people's problems. Your comfort level will depend only on where you are at in your own recovery. As you move to the solution side of recovery, meetings with a lot of solution will feel more comfortable.
Then again, she might be a controlling, psycho, ego-driven sponsor. You have to look carefully at what she is having you do (is it out of the book?) and especially at her actions.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I dont know much about meetings either. My past experiences with them werent bad. I just dont connect with most of it.
But I do know that with anything in my life. I am going to go with what feels right to me.
Like Anna said. Where your heart tells you to go.
This is your recovery. Why half step it and do it in an uncomfortable way?
We put ourselves through enough of that crap using.
Thats alot of why I dont do meetings. I am doing what feels better for me. More right and def more comfortable.
I had enough being unsure and miserable in addiciton. I am in recovery to heal and find happiness and peace.
Does any of that make sense?
I hope you do whatever it is that you feel is good for yourself. As long as you keep workin your program. But you can do it in a way that isnt uncomfortable.
But I do know that with anything in my life. I am going to go with what feels right to me.
Like Anna said. Where your heart tells you to go.
This is your recovery. Why half step it and do it in an uncomfortable way?
We put ourselves through enough of that crap using.
Thats alot of why I dont do meetings. I am doing what feels better for me. More right and def more comfortable.
I had enough being unsure and miserable in addiciton. I am in recovery to heal and find happiness and peace.
Does any of that make sense?
I hope you do whatever it is that you feel is good for yourself. As long as you keep workin your program. But you can do it in a way that isnt uncomfortable.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: london, england
Posts: 184
when i came in to AA i thought i needed to hear war storys, i though that people coming up to me wanted something (even though i had nothing to give). i thought i wanted a kind easy going sponsor, i thought i needed to hear everybodys problems.
thats what i THOUGHT. what i NEEDED was the oppersite.
i had to learn that i have an illness that centres in my mind, so what i think is usually wrong.
good luck though, at least your on the right road.
peace and fellowship to you, may your god keep you safe
thats what i THOUGHT. what i NEEDED was the oppersite.
i had to learn that i have an illness that centres in my mind, so what i think is usually wrong.
good luck though, at least your on the right road.
peace and fellowship to you, may your god keep you safe
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
I did not get sober in AA so take what I say if you want or leave it.
However, early recovery especially is about reconnecting first and foremost with yourself. This meant to me that what I listened to before anything was that small voice inside of me. Nothing trumped it— not the desires of others, not the things I thought that I "should" be doing, not the addicts voice, not the rhetoric of a program. The battle was learning to hear, listen, and trust that voice. This meant that I would rest when I was tired. I would not hang out with people when I felt like being alone. And in terms of your dilemma, this would mean I would have done exactly what you ended up doing retreating to where you ultimately felt the most comfortable and safe and most importantly right.
I think in a lot of ways when I was using, I didn't know what to trust, so I would use my mind sometimes to coax me into situations that I thought "should" fix me or things. It never worked out. Once I started slowing down and really listening to my body I realized just how much I was doing that was against my true nature— I mean if you flinch when 20 people start coming you, it is not the right place for you at this time. Trust your body and yourself before you trust any rules except "don't use" and you will get through early recovery.
However, early recovery especially is about reconnecting first and foremost with yourself. This meant to me that what I listened to before anything was that small voice inside of me. Nothing trumped it— not the desires of others, not the things I thought that I "should" be doing, not the addicts voice, not the rhetoric of a program. The battle was learning to hear, listen, and trust that voice. This meant that I would rest when I was tired. I would not hang out with people when I felt like being alone. And in terms of your dilemma, this would mean I would have done exactly what you ended up doing retreating to where you ultimately felt the most comfortable and safe and most importantly right.
I think in a lot of ways when I was using, I didn't know what to trust, so I would use my mind sometimes to coax me into situations that I thought "should" fix me or things. It never worked out. Once I started slowing down and really listening to my body I realized just how much I was doing that was against my true nature— I mean if you flinch when 20 people start coming you, it is not the right place for you at this time. Trust your body and yourself before you trust any rules except "don't use" and you will get through early recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: upland, ca
Posts: 46
So it has been a couple of days since my last post. I have had some time to really look at things and the way I am handling situations. I guess I am just gonna lay it out because I am new to recovery - I am new to AA - I am not comfortable in sobriety yet - and I find myself questioning everything & everyone, including myself. Honestly it is driving my crazy, but maybe this is what I need right now. Any input is welcome - I am really having trouble figuring some things out, so I am open to anyones thoughts.
So the whole situation with the sponsor and the new groups has calmed down for me somewhat. In my mind I was imagining the worst of everyone, questioning their motives, and utterly letting myself be completely distracted by the situation I was feeding into. The fact is I have never felt comfortable in large groups, and especially so in close knit ones. Add that on to the fact that I really don't like my faults to be exposed in public, not a big fan of public speaking, and find it hard to connect with what I am actually feeling inside and the real reason why - no wonder I wanted to run the other way. Really a lot of this is rooted in my childhood, being the outcast and picked on by groups of girls. When this would happen I would come home and cry to my mom, who with good intentions would transfer me to another school - and by the time I was in 10th grade I had gone to 13 schools. So yes, I owe up to this and see it for what it is on my part I guess. I think I am at least.
As far as others feeling uncomfortable with the same meetings and people that I have felt uncomfortable with - I really don't know. That was their experience and I wanted someone to relate to my unease with this new situation, and it wasn't hard to find people. My instincts tell me go find new people, but now my brain keeps saying - what if they are all just the same? What if you just keep encountering the same situation because you never learned to deal with it effectively? I mean am I channeling Buddha or what? Is this the higher power people keep talking about? This is where I find myself tripping up. And then I am suppose to be willing. And I am completely confused on what this willingness should be applied to. Should I be willing to follow my instincts and just leave all the groups that have anything to do with these women, or should I be willing to just tough this out with the sponsor and accept that she is in my life for a reason.
I feel like the kid in 3rd grade that just won't stop asking rhetorical questions - and people start rolling their eyes. This situation I created with my old sponsor - and a new sponsor from the opposing camp reminds me of my childhood too. I am acting like the divorced child, and that is also a part I know all too well. It really sucks to look at this for what it is and to realize all this and my part in it. Why couldn't I just let the freaking comments go - why did I have to drag somebody else into this drama? How can I make this better?
Obviously confused. Thank you all for your comments. For some reason it is just easier for me to be honest and open about what is going on in my head on a forum than in a meeting. I am just no good at public speaking, and forget what I was going to talk about as soon as I have everyone's looking at me. I hope this gets better, cause god knows these meetings with 300 +people are completely unnerving.
So the whole situation with the sponsor and the new groups has calmed down for me somewhat. In my mind I was imagining the worst of everyone, questioning their motives, and utterly letting myself be completely distracted by the situation I was feeding into. The fact is I have never felt comfortable in large groups, and especially so in close knit ones. Add that on to the fact that I really don't like my faults to be exposed in public, not a big fan of public speaking, and find it hard to connect with what I am actually feeling inside and the real reason why - no wonder I wanted to run the other way. Really a lot of this is rooted in my childhood, being the outcast and picked on by groups of girls. When this would happen I would come home and cry to my mom, who with good intentions would transfer me to another school - and by the time I was in 10th grade I had gone to 13 schools. So yes, I owe up to this and see it for what it is on my part I guess. I think I am at least.
As far as others feeling uncomfortable with the same meetings and people that I have felt uncomfortable with - I really don't know. That was their experience and I wanted someone to relate to my unease with this new situation, and it wasn't hard to find people. My instincts tell me go find new people, but now my brain keeps saying - what if they are all just the same? What if you just keep encountering the same situation because you never learned to deal with it effectively? I mean am I channeling Buddha or what? Is this the higher power people keep talking about? This is where I find myself tripping up. And then I am suppose to be willing. And I am completely confused on what this willingness should be applied to. Should I be willing to follow my instincts and just leave all the groups that have anything to do with these women, or should I be willing to just tough this out with the sponsor and accept that she is in my life for a reason.
I feel like the kid in 3rd grade that just won't stop asking rhetorical questions - and people start rolling their eyes. This situation I created with my old sponsor - and a new sponsor from the opposing camp reminds me of my childhood too. I am acting like the divorced child, and that is also a part I know all too well. It really sucks to look at this for what it is and to realize all this and my part in it. Why couldn't I just let the freaking comments go - why did I have to drag somebody else into this drama? How can I make this better?
Obviously confused. Thank you all for your comments. For some reason it is just easier for me to be honest and open about what is going on in my head on a forum than in a meeting. I am just no good at public speaking, and forget what I was going to talk about as soon as I have everyone's looking at me. I hope this gets better, cause god knows these meetings with 300 +people are completely unnerving.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Killingme...I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I am no longer an aa member but I remember the feelings of which you describe well. My advise would to be to focus on the reason why you are there...to quit drinking. All the added stress from distention between members and groups is more than you need right now. I only went to meetings I was comfortable at...I sat where I wanted and shared only if the mood struck me. I stayed far away from the cliques and listen closely to people I could identify with. Sobriety is up to you...trust your gut because it is usually right. Focus on not drinking, you will find the answers you need.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,024
You're very new to AA and recovery, what you just shared sound perfectly understandable from my perspective. I dropped out of speech class in high school, speaking in front of people scared me to death, and I've never felt like I needed help from anyone. So when I started going to AA meetings my instinct was to run, and since when does any alcoholic like change?
Like I said, my gut was telling me to get out of there as fast as possible because I didn't belong..........but my fears were telling me that if I didn't stay, things were going to get much worse. It felt like the end of the road, like my story had ended but I was only half-way through the book.
Now I wanted to go to meetings and drink coffee and look at the women and find the right one to take me home and fix me up. Thankfully, that never happened. What I did manage to do was avoid sponsorship and stepwork, and the longer I did that the worse my life got, I was either stuck or going backwards. I landed myself in a psych ward for a few days, a few months after that I was still suicidal. It works if ya work it, nothing changes if nothing changes.
The topic at a meeting last night was "Where will I go from here?" Isn't that the million dollar question when we sober up?
OK this reply is getting too long so I'll try to sum it up by answering that question. When I got a sponsor, started taking and practicing the Steps, being of service, and most of all turned my will and life over to a Higher Power, I was given the answer to that question and I still receive it every day. I've been swept up by the program and spirituality, and every day the God that I understand tells me exactly "where I go from here", it's up to me whether I choose to follow his will, or take the wrong path.
As for meetings, I started with the huge "club" meetings of 100+ people, then tried smaller meetings, then Christian recovery meetings, and then I went back to the club. I learned that it's not the meeting or the amount of people, it's what I take from it. Take what you want, and leave the rest. Now I'm pretty comfortable at just about any kind of meeting anywhere. In fact, tomorrow night I've been invited to a meeting with the Sober Riders MC
Scary. I can't wait 
Like I said, my gut was telling me to get out of there as fast as possible because I didn't belong..........but my fears were telling me that if I didn't stay, things were going to get much worse. It felt like the end of the road, like my story had ended but I was only half-way through the book.
Now I wanted to go to meetings and drink coffee and look at the women and find the right one to take me home and fix me up. Thankfully, that never happened. What I did manage to do was avoid sponsorship and stepwork, and the longer I did that the worse my life got, I was either stuck or going backwards. I landed myself in a psych ward for a few days, a few months after that I was still suicidal. It works if ya work it, nothing changes if nothing changes.
The topic at a meeting last night was "Where will I go from here?" Isn't that the million dollar question when we sober up?
OK this reply is getting too long so I'll try to sum it up by answering that question. When I got a sponsor, started taking and practicing the Steps, being of service, and most of all turned my will and life over to a Higher Power, I was given the answer to that question and I still receive it every day. I've been swept up by the program and spirituality, and every day the God that I understand tells me exactly "where I go from here", it's up to me whether I choose to follow his will, or take the wrong path.
As for meetings, I started with the huge "club" meetings of 100+ people, then tried smaller meetings, then Christian recovery meetings, and then I went back to the club. I learned that it's not the meeting or the amount of people, it's what I take from it. Take what you want, and leave the rest. Now I'm pretty comfortable at just about any kind of meeting anywhere. In fact, tomorrow night I've been invited to a meeting with the Sober Riders MC
Scary. I can't wait
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