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Old 09-22-2009, 09:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Newcomer Story I have NEVER told anyone, need feedback please


Ok where do I begin, I'm obviously here to get something off my chest that I simply can't tell anyone in my life for fear of worrying them.

Basically I've been using every hard drug known to man in combination or by itself for about 12 years or since I was about 14.

Level I

My highschool days were filled with a brief dabble with crack cocaine, then a pretty nuts 4 years with Acid, X, K, Mushrooms and a little bit of oxycodone and benzos, Alcohol to a lesser extent and of course chronic throughout which I do not even consider a drug. And I'm talking ludicrous amounts of hallucinogens by themselves but more often in tandem - all of them together in rather large amounts like ten strips, 3, 4, 5 and pills, rails of K, shrooms. More times an amounts than I could ever recollect.

Ok well after enough bad trips I quit all that nonsense for the most part only dabbling every now and then till this day.

Level II

After being tripped out and swearing off all drugs for about three months, a three year pretty much daily cocaine usage habit and massive amounts of alcohol. thirty plus beers/drinks - no prob. But still graduated college and got my degree. Benzos, opiates and hallucinogens every now and then. And of course the parties where all the above were consumed.

Level III

After college and fairly clean three months the oxycodone, morphine and oxymorphone took charge in large doses = hundreds of ml's of oxy and a good point of oxymorphone for about 8 months - that **** is a killer. (heroin = garbage not even good). All this mixed with benzos and alcohol. Daily use wake to sleep for the past three years to this day. I did my first OC over ten years ago but it never really took hold onto this point. I use coke occasionally and always with a speedball and massive amounts of alcohol mixed with xanax too. Alcohol is always present in any situation in upwards of 20 to thirty drinks. I'm def an alcoholic, runs in the fam. Had a great job till I got laid off.

I am probably lucky to be alive and have done things that would no doubt kill most people. This is just a general overview, but I really am going to change my life. I can quit anything cold turkey and am right now, but its damn hard. I'm incredibly strong willed, but also stubborn.

So any feedback would be appreciated as I've NEVER told this story in detail to anyone. Thanks guys.
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Old 09-22-2009, 09:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you decided to change your life.

It's really a good idea to talk to your dr before you begin to detox from alcohol, as it can be very dangerous.

There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
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Old 09-22-2009, 09:34 AM   #3 (permalink)
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good to have you here.

wouldnt recomend you do detox without the help of a doctor, as anna said "can be very dangerous".

also would recomend going to meetings, either AA or NA or both if possible. i honestly dont think you can have too much help with this.

for me its a progressive illness so i need a progressive recovery.

peace and fellowship to you !!. god bless
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Old 09-22-2009, 09:43 AM   #4 (permalink)
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i can relate with you on most of your story. i am here to tell you that it can, and will get better,. i went to a treatment center for a oxy/heroin smoking habbit. toward the end i was doing a lot of coke, heroin, xanax, 40 norcos a day, and anything else that was around. i choose the aa program to KEEP me sober and clean. pm me if you would like to talk more in depth. we have a very very similar story. hang in there.
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Old 09-22-2009, 09:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Wolf I want you to know you are not alone in all of this, I am an alcoholic and never did drugs that much at all, but there are plenty of folks in AA & NA that have done what you have done, the one thing they all have in common is none of them were able to stay clean and sober alone on thier own will power they all have used a program of recovery and a support group.

I wish you all the luck in the world in doing this on your own, but if you find that you can not, check out some of the many recovery programs for help. There is nothing in the world wrong with admitting that one can not lick a problem by them selfs, especially when it comes to alcoholism and drug addiction.
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Old 09-22-2009, 09:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR, this is a great place with lots of support. I am no expert but I wouldn't detox without talking to a Dr first, it can be very dangerous.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hey thanks guys I'm a crazy SOB. LOL I have tons of friends, have always been the life of the party, but it just went a little too far. Thankfully I'm young, educated and have a lot to look forward too. But just this Gorilla on my back with all drugs and alcohol and really doesnt matter what it is. Few could really afford the lifestyle I lived which I also did the wrong way if you know what I mean. But basically its broke me financially and spiritually recently and I realized I'm lucky to be alive.

An again this is stuff I have never told anyone and just can't for fear of worrying them. But thanks again. Look forward to more feedback.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
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But just this Gorilla on my back with all drugs and alcohol and really doesnt matter what it is.
Exactly.

It's almost as if you're doing everything substance out there desperately trying to find one that will give you the feeling that none of them can. In the end, it's never about the drugs or alcohol, but the particular hole inside we're cursed with, and the endless, hopeless measures we'll take to try and fill it. It's about deep, deep down, not really feeling like the life of the party at all.

If you want to quit, you can, and you can fill the hole too.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:50 AM   #10 (permalink)
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i can relate with you on most of your story. i am here to tell you that it can, and will get better,. i went to a treatment center for a oxy/heroin smoking habbit. toward the end i was doing a lot of coke, heroin, xanax, 40 norcos a day, and anything else that was around. i choose the aa program to KEEP me sober and clean. pm me if you would like to talk more in depth. we have a very very similar story. hang in there.
Will do bro, I have the ability to do anything the problem is just not wanting to quit pharmies. I can quit cold turkey and am as we speak. Just gotta hold up.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:51 AM   #11 (permalink)
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You sound alot like my sister. She was the life of the party and always fun to be around. She experimented in alcohol, cocaine, crack, and lastly pills. The pills took her soul and eventually her life. Please try to seek professional help. You sound like you are on the right track but trying to go it alone cold turkey may prove to be a difficult task. God bless you on your sobriety.
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Old 09-22-2009, 10:56 AM   #12 (permalink)
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welcome

Welcome to SR! There's a cat on here sometimes goes by the name of Michael81- check him out after you talk to your doc. That cat knows his sh*t.
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Old 09-22-2009, 11:06 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I'll say now that I do not need methadone, subaxone or anything like that. Benzos are what seem to keep me level, and in my mind the best way to quit the whole opiate business.
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Old 09-22-2009, 11:07 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Exactly.

It's almost as if you're doing everything substance out there desperately trying to find one that will give you the feeling that none of them can. In the end, it's never about the drugs or alcohol, but the particular hole inside we're cursed with, and the endless, hopeless measures we'll take to try and fill it. It's about deep, deep down, not really feeling like the life of the party at all.

If you want to quit, you can, and you can fill the hole too.
This sounds on point, and is there is some void that is being filled by drugs and alcohol. Not sure what but you're quote about not really feeling like the life of the party at all sounds eerily on point.
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Old 09-22-2009, 11:42 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I killed myself with a ton of drugs and alcohol too, for most of my life.

Getting and staying clean and sober has been the best thing I have ever done.

I highly recommend getting some Dr. assistance and a good plan for recovery. Abstinence has very little to do with recovering from drug addiction or alcohol dependence.
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Old 09-22-2009, 12:04 PM   #16 (permalink)
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...I'm incredibly strong willed, but also stubborn.
Strong willed and stubborn got you this far but are no longer your assets. The sad truth is that they are now liabilities.

I know this will not make sense to you but the things that make sense are useless in recovery. You need to learn to appreciate the paradox's of this disease, such as;

1. You must suffer to get well

2. You must surrender to win

3. You must give it away to keep it.
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Old 09-22-2009, 01:00 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Hi Wolf. Dude your story sounds so much like mine. Even lost the best job i ever had as to oxys. From the start of junior high till close to present time i still have trouble saying no... which is why i know i cant be around most of my friends even tho they're not really to fault, if someone has something i just want me and my friends to have a good time.

I by far am not the person who can give advice to you because im still going through aboutthat exact same part of my life as you. I just want you to know that you are not alone man. Stay strong.

Mike.
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Old 09-22-2009, 01:40 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Hi Wolf. Dude your story sounds so much like mine. Even lost the best job i ever had as to oxys. From the start of junior high till close to present time i still have trouble saying no... which is why i know i cant be around most of my friends even tho they're not really to fault, if someone has something i just want me and my friends to have a good time.

I by far am not the person who can give advice to you because im still going through aboutthat exact same part of my life as you. I just want you to know that you are not alone man. Stay strong.

Mike.
Thanks brother, I seem to find my way into massive amounts of drugs, hanging with drug dealers and errr... bad things. Thanks again man, I've just done wild and crazy **** and love my friends and family more than anything and have NEVER done them wrong during this ********.
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Old 09-22-2009, 01:43 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Strong willed and stubborn got you this far but are no longer your assets. The sad truth is that they are now liabilities.

I know this will not make sense to you but the things that make sense are useless in recovery. You need to learn to appreciate the paradox's of this disease, such as;

1. You must suffer to get well

2. You must surrender to win

3. You must give it away to keep it.
Hit the nail on the head.
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Old 09-22-2009, 02:42 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Welcome Wolf00

This isn't a lecture brother, these are just some of my thoughts as I read your posts.

You sound like you have a good handle on your situation and what you want to accomplish. Self-awareness is a sign of strength, but just being aware isnít going to change anything until you do something about it. Acknowledging to yourself that you have a problem is only one part of the process, but it can be the beginning of your turning point.

You say you never talked with anyone about this,,, maybe they already know.

Great lyrics in a song, "You never know just how you look through someone else's eyes."

Maybe you have hurt your family and friends - did you ever ask them? You might be surprised by what you hear. And don't get mad and defensive if you hear some hurtful sh*t. Remind yourself that you're the one that asked.

Who knows what groups or recovery programs will work best for you. Get involved with some - it may be just what you need right now. Keep posting, stay involved. PM me if you want. I can speak more frankly and colorfully that way.

I wish you success not luck. Luck is for gamblers - success is the reward for doers.
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