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Old 09-22-2009, 02:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Dealing with early recovery


Today and yesterday I feel like I am going insane and off my head, I just want to drink to stop feeling these feelings..
I've been going to AA for 5 months but ive had quite a few relapses, im now sober for 12 days.
I feel so angry because I feel like im the only one who 'isnt getting recovery'
I see the other newcomers in AA and they seem to be doing so well. And in the rooms all I seem to here in the shares is where the person was before they came to AA and where they are now...??! What about talking about early recovery? do they forget what it was like? The feelings of intense anger fear and sadness, how did they cope with that?
Right now I feel like smashing my house up, not that I will its just how I feel.
This is so so hard and im sick of hearing newcomers saying "im just glad to be here and glad to be sober.."
Im sorry im not usually like this, I just need to know others have felt and experienced similar and that it does get better even though I keep asking "when? when does it get better?"

Thanks
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Old 09-22-2009, 02:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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kirsty, i felt exactly the same. read the post "the spiritual malady, it might help you.

it does get better but only if you put the work in.

god bless.
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Old 09-22-2009, 03:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR Kirsty, early recovery is a bear, I felt much the same way you do right now in early recovery here are some of the things I did in early recovery which helped me a lot along with some questions:

1. I went to meetings early and helped set up and stayed late and help take down, this let me make friends a lot quicker, have you tried this?

2. I went to at least one meeting a day every day for over 3 months, are you doing this?

3. I got a temporary sponsor right away, do you have a sponsor?

All 3 of the above will lead to people to talk to about early sobriety.

4. I got phone numbers of people in the rooms and called at least 3 people counting my sponsor every day, have you tried this? It would give you a chance to talk to folks one on one about early sobriety.

5. I prayed every morning and every night even though I felt it was a waste of time, funny thing but it seemed to help and I had no idea why? Are you praying?

6. I started to take the steps with my sponsor, are you taking the steps?

Kirsty if you are not going to beginners meetings you really should, when they ask for a topic in a meeting why not just bring up that you are struggling and you would like to hear what it was like for others in early sobriety and how they dealt with it.

It is far from easy, I have been there, I had to force myself to follow suggestions and to ask for help. It was very hard at first to call people, but once I got started calling people it made a huge difference.

I recall the fear, the anger, and the resentments I felt in early sobrity, the above is what I did to deal with it, I followed suggestions because none of the above was my idea at all, it was suggestions made by the folks in detox and my temporary sponsor.
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Old 09-22-2009, 04:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Take a fish out of water and see how it likes it. It's different for all of us. I'll have you know that I was one of the ones who loved AA and my new sobriety. Of course I loved ruining my life with alcohol more so my sobriety didn't last long.

Hang in there and try something different. Well that was what my sponsor told me every time I relapsed so I did. I think I have found the right combination for me today.

Welcome to SR.
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Old 09-22-2009, 05:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Kirsty - welcome to SR.

Print out Tazman's post above and read it everyday.
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Old 09-22-2009, 06:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsty View Post
...I keep asking "when? when does it get better?"
Hi Kirsty. It's real easy to fall into the trap of comparing your insides to everyone else's outsides. They seem OK on the surface and inside you feel miserable. Maybe that's true and maybe it isn't.

Also, some people can stop drinking and life just gets better. They feel happy. For the hard core alcoholic, however, oftentimes life starts getting worse. When I got sober, my solution to everything in life was to drink. The bottle was my solution, not my problem. Without drinking, life came up pretty fast and hard at me.

So I launched with reckless abandon into taking the 12 Steps on the first day I didn't drink. I needed a new solution for living and I needed relief very quickly. Otherwise, I doubt if I would have made it very long.

You're already failing at staying sober doing what you are doing. Are you taking the Steps out of the book with a knowledgeable sponsor? Or are you just going to AA? There are no promises associated with showing up at meetings.

You're not alone. Many alcoholics have found that the Steps are not optional to their well being. They are a vital necessity to a life without booze.
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Old 09-22-2009, 06:34 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I think one of the problems I have with 12-step programs is that meetings seem more about selling sobriety than anything else.

I have heard so many shares about "It used to be bad" and "Now it is good." I want to shout "I already know that it is better to be clean and sober---that is why I am here."

I have been told at meetings not to share about difficulties staying clean and the problems I face in recovery. (Funny, how people will always approach you after meetings to criticize but never to encourage.) It could be that people at your meetings have been told the same. There are people like you and me who would be glad to share what it is like to be in the midst of the struggle and who want to listen to other people talk about the same thing--maybe we need to start our own group where we can?
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Old 09-22-2009, 06:36 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome!!!

Maybe it's the acceptance thing? Until you reach that point, you will probably be very unhappy about your status as a non-drinking alcoholic.

I know how you feel, you might try some of the suggestions above, and do a little reading on acceptance.

And whatever you feel, don't drink.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 09-22-2009, 06:44 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Kirsty.... as some of the posts have mentioned.... we all take to withdrawl in different ways depending on circumstance, situations, relationships, drinking habits, physiology, etc etc in other words a million different reasons. If alcoholism was easy to beat why would we be here... except to enjoy our sunny personalities!

It will get better.... no question.... the anxiety and all the other 'head stuff' will pass and maybe a counsellor can help you with this. You maybe repressing some of the things that happened when you were drinking and so on and so on.

I am not an AA person as my spiritual side is more eastern, but the aforementioned posts offer good things.... but what is true in all of the successes is that faith and focus are key and how you apply that is you doing what is comfortable for you, and give the comfort when the 'head stuff' comes calling.

Take pride in your journey so far.... the sober road never ends but grants us a wonderful journey.... so head up and see what is around you, many people taking the same journey that have many words of wisdom and years of strength.

Keep the faith....as you find it...
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Old 09-22-2009, 06:53 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Perhaps you should Miami, but I will be honest with you, I wanted to know that things did get better and what I needed to do to get better. Yes there were others in the newcomers meetings I went to that shared their struggles staying sober, but more importantly there were folks there who shared that they to had struggled and they shared how they got better.

Several of my sponsee's had to go through manadantory group counseling sessions, they said that they hated them because all they heard about was how hard it was to not drink and all of the problems associated with and due to drinking, they did not hear a single good thing about staying sober except one thing. If they blew 0.0 on thier BAC test every meeting they got thier drivers license back.

They did not hear a single thing about the rewards of sobriety or how to stay sober. In early sobriety I spoke to my sponsor and others folks in AA one on one on my struggles staying sober and was given great suggestions that helped me to stay sober.

Quote:
I have been told at meetings not to share about difficulties staying clean and the problems I face in recovery.
Man AA must be 180 degrees different then in my area, newcomers are asked for a topic they are having trouble with at the beginning of a newcomers meeting and then most of the shares after that are how different people have dealt with that successfully.

We try and spend more time on "The Solution" to our alcoholism in meetings by sharing how we have worked through different problems in our lifes.
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Old 09-22-2009, 07:08 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Kirsty,

Welcome!

I think recovery is different for every person. Try to not judge yourself by what others are doing. You are where you should be, and if you stay focused on your recovery, everything will work out.
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Old 09-22-2009, 03:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi Kirsty

I don't do AA but I do know recovery does get better...I wouldn't be here if it didn't

I remember early days tho - and yes it is hard...you can always vent here tho - and get other viewpoints...and for the record it took me 15 years to get it, so you're way ahead of my schedule

don't give up!
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Old 09-22-2009, 04:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
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"I have been told at meetings not to share about difficulties staying clean and the problems I face in recovery."

I was told that too, as a newcomer, in the parking lot after a meeting.

I said, "If it is all the same to you, I think I'll share whatever it is I need to share in meetings in order to stay sober. I've got to work MY program, I can't work YOUR program. No hard feelings, I hope you understand."

Six months later that person confided in me that he was really impressed that as a newcomer I had enough direction to work my own program, and that perhaps he was trying to exert some control where it didn't need to be exerted. We're great friends today

Don't be a door mat.
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Old 09-22-2009, 04:34 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Kirsty, I felt just like you did many times. For me, though, I was just so damn happy to have made it out alive, I settled for being miserable instead of frantic and terrified. I coped with the anger, fear & sadness because I had no options left - I was killing myself. It took me a very long time to stop relying on it to handle every emotion. When I was feeling like you do right now, I'd pick up again - at least you're not doing that.

I agree with you and Miamifella that it helps to know others are feeling just like you are. When you go back & read some of the member's original posts - many of them were desperate & angry - it took awhile to become calm and serene. I used to be a bit irritated at all the smilies & happy talk when I first came here, and it took me 5 mos. to stop drinking after I first joined. Even after quitting, it took me a few months to even begin to think like a normal person. I finally started to understand the peace some had found who were further along in their journey than I was. Be kind to yourself - you will get there.
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Old 09-22-2009, 04:58 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Kirsty--I feel much the same as you. I will do so well for about 10-12 days and then I binge drink, end up hating myself, get back on the wagon, and then drink again. AA has not worked for me, and I honestly tried. I too am frustrated that others seem to be able to recover and I can't.
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Old 09-22-2009, 05:13 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Like Anna said before sunnydog - this is not a race - you have no idea how many times other people have tried or what they're dealing with...ppl have made assumptions about me cos I came here in 2007 and...just quit...

but they didn't see me in the 15 years before that LOL

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Old 09-22-2009, 05:28 PM   #17 (permalink)
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hey kirsty,

i'm on day 14 and feeling the same things as you. i'm so sad and mad and scared and feel so alone. i can't stop crying. before today i felt better - i was hopeful, positive, but now that i'm back to work in the 'real world' i'm finding it just feels like too much to freakin' bear. i know how you feel. i don't really have any words of wisdom at this point but i guess i just wanted to let you know that i really really know how you feel. i too just wanna drown out these emotions (cuz they feel so huge and like way too much to deal with - feel like i can't handle them) but i know where that will lead me, it will lead me to a bigger nightmare in the long run - so i won't drink. but damn it's hard.

hang in there. that's all i can say. know that it will pass. even if it feels like it won't. and let it out. i've been letting the tears fall and that's been good i think. our feelings have been drowned in alcohol all these years, of course it's gonna come out in a flood. just brace yourself, hang on... and of course, keep coming here, there's so much support and encouragement and people who totally get what you're going through, i know i do.

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Old 09-22-2009, 06:28 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Tazman--

I think you misunderstood me. I would love to hear people talk about how they got clean. Occasionally someone will say that, but as I said before mostly they just say how good stuff is for them now without describing how they got there.

Maybe its different but in AA and CMA here, people are discouraged from getting specific about how they overcame difficulties. (Or at least I was.)

I do not need a wallow, but I really do need suggestions and guidance. I have learned more here in two days than I had in years of meetings.

Also, I am surprised that you say people respond to another share. Here there is a big prohibition on crosstalk like that. Always seemed a bit silly to me.
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