Valleyd

I'm eight months clean right now and I'm living with my best friend, who used to be in recovery and a positive person. Now she has been diagnosed with lung cancer and she just lays around doing nothing all day but smoking massive amounts of cigarettes and drinking coffee and taking all kinds of meds. I can't control her as much as I'd like to. Its very frustrating...VERY! She isn't interested in recovery or meetings or even leaving the house for that matter. I'm trying to work and take care of everything around here and I don't even have a driver's license. You may say, well why don't you get the hll out? My answer is that I don't think I could live with myself if I were to leave her here all alone like this. She has done a lot for me in the years we have known each other and now that she is down and out it does not seem right for me to leave. No one else is helping her.

I feel really lost... I'm losing my enthusiasm for life, starting to really dislike myself and I'm becoming very depressed. My focus is drifting away from recovery and in the direction of using. I'm fantasizing about using in the back of my mind more and more... I can feel myself falling apart, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I am very stressed out! If I go back out I will be of no use to her and will end up like I always do, a crackhead in the streets and eventually in jail... maybe even dead.

thirtybubba

Is there anyone you can call? I'd hate to see you go down that road... especially when you can see it coming. I know, I've been there. There wasn't anybody to catch me, though, and I had to not only go through the falling, but I got to watch it all in slo-mo happening to me... Not the best feeling.

If not, keep posting... we're here.

clipframe

I'm not really sure what to say, but I think we need to take care of ourselves in order to be of help to other people. If you lose a grip, you're not going to be much good to your friend or to yourself. I don't know how much care your friend requires.

Is it possible that your friend would take better care of herself if you weren't there putting in the effort? Pardon me is that sound soffensive. I have a person in my life who seems to be less capable when there is someone around to show that to.

For myself, when I quit ten years ago, I had to stay away from people with whom I found it difficult not to drink. I had to put that objective first. We are oten told that this is selfish. It is not.

It sort of seems like you know what you need to do to stay on the more positive course, the one that is best for you.

I know plenty of people are in situations that they cannot leave, but maybe there is a chance you will have more energy and better results with your friend if you are in a strong position. If you are emotionally strong, happy and sober, you will be a better friend.

You said it -- you can't control her, but you can control you, and this can help others to change -- people will respond to you and how you behave.

I hope it all works out for you. Regardless of which way you go with where you live, you will be better able to cope with problems and pain, and all that comes your way, if you stay sober. That's my view anyway. There are so many ongoing benefits to staying sober; they aren't all revealed at once, but little by little, new approaches to life are building every time you see and follow better ways.

From your post, it sounds like you know you need to be away from your friend to stay sober. Do what you know is the best thing. This is part of the process. Not just knowing what the best thing to do is, but actually doing it.

I hope I don't sound overly simplistic. I'm trying to apply some of what I've learned to your situation which is very unlike my own -- except for the part about heading for relapses. I have done both the right thing and a lot of wrong things. Doing the right thing repeatedly gets easier.

Err, this is my first time trying to sort of reach out here and apply what I've learned about sobriety -- to offer opinions or advice. Really, it feels extremely awkward. I hope my response doesn't sound totally lame... I'm not nearly as much of a geek as I sound... really...

Kez

OMG i so feel for you, but the only way you can help her is by helping yourself right now, I know you dont want to desert her but you cant desert yourself either. I know you said how can i live with myself if you leave her,, but how can you live with yourself if you go down that path? If it was me in your shoes (and i know its always harder to say than do) I would explain exactly how you are feeling to her and then go and stay with someone else (family or other friends) if only for a couple of weeks until you feel your strength build up again.... goodluck,,, its not fair that you go down because she is...

Lonelyranger

Hi Valley, I'm Mike. That is a very intense story. Is there anyone close to you that knows your going through recovery? Maybe if you brought someone in to hang with you and your friend? I can completely see were your coming from about not wanting to leave her but if you relapse you'll be leaving her any way.?. And later on it would give you yet another reason to use. Sounds like one of you has already given up no need for both of you to.
Best Wishes <3

Tazman53

Valley I have no experience in this so what I would suggest is to seek out experience in this.

Have you brought this up at meetings?

Have you asked for help in meetings for both of you?

It is good that you understand that, but keep in mind that you still can control your self! If you relapse you are of no help to your self or her!

Reach out for help where ever you may possibly find it, bit for you to stay clean and to get her what ever help you can.

Both of you will be in my prayers.

Hon you have reached out here, reach out in your meetings, go to new ones if no one can help you in the ones you go to now. Some one has walked in your shoes before, find them.

tommyk

Sorry to hear of your situation, and sorry to hear of hers too.

"I can't control her as much as I'd like to."

Stop trying, perhaps use 'acceptance'...?

helpformyson

Valleyd,
You are a good friend, but it sounds to me like your roommate is having a pity party. Please do not attend. Do you really want to throw 8 months down the drain? That's quite an accomplishment....8 months. My boyfriend went thourgh malignant bladder cancer, his kidney shut down and he had 2 heart attacks, followed by a triple bypass. Not once did this man give up or feel sorry for himself. Attitude has everything to do with getting well. Even his doctors told him that.

Please do not allow yourself to throw in the towel. You worked so hard at what you have. Put yourself first and perhaps when she sees how strong you are, it might rub off on her. If she continues on the "woe is me" path....move out. Good luck.

SeekSobriety

For the sake of your sobriety and your health, I honestly think you need to get out of this living situation. There are plenty of other sober roomates that you could find. Check at your meetings or put a posting seeking a stable sober roommate on craigslist or checking with your therapist or counselor if you have access to them. Make sure you attend meetings religiously right now, it sounds like you need as much support as possible.
Do you have a sponsor? Have they been discussing this with them?
You have come a long way, 8 months is quite a accomplishment. We cannot and should not let those around us destroy us in the process of destroying themselves. It is time to protect your life instead of worrying about others. You will be of no help to anyone if you were to end up on the streets or worse.
You can do this!

Charmie

i agree with what has mostly been said about looking after yourself,i am almost 8 months sober and i would not give this up for ANYBODY OR ANYTHING,your friend is very ill,granted,but i agree she is maybe being selfish.my unlce died in april of terminal lung cancer,he was diagnosed 18 months before he died.yes he got angry occasionaly and upset,but he accepted it so lived life the best he could in what time he had.he went to malasia for a month (the doctors couldnt beliveve how much walking etc he did!) and he bought himself a brand new porsche carrera! what i am trying to point out is the different ways folk deal with this kind of thing that happens to them,, TO THEM,not you! you can love your friend,tell them you love them,but you must put your sobriety first,and its as simple as that.as taz said,ask at meetings,someone out there has had this problem,and remember you are not alone.you are in my prayers.

Valleyd

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your thoughtful responses! It really means a lot to me to hear from all of you.

Today was total chaos around here...roommate hasn't eaten in days... only ingesting cigarettes, medication and coffee and became very ill. I'm going to make this long story short. For me, it was like a gift from God...she FINALLY agreed to go to the hospital and I GOT TO GO TO A MEETING! I could have used this opportunity to do to the wrong thing, but I did the right thing. If only for tonight, I have a reprieve.

Thanks again (((everyone)))

Wolfchild