Kez

Hi,

I am not even sure if this is where I am supposed to be posting........
but anyway I have just registered... My story goes something like this:

i started drinking when i was around 10 (not heavily obviously) I have had problems with alcohol my whole life, went to holyoak twice, it worked for a while then after a years or so i get back on it,, thinking if i just have one or two itll be ok.... I quit smoking six years ago, and dope years and years ago.I have stopped and started drinking for a long time now and this time, I have even seen a natropath to help, so i am on all the stuff to help build me up. Lately when i drink i have been smoking a bit weak dope and even more recently i have been having puffs of cigarettes and its scaring me to hell.
normally i can grab the motivation and will power to stop but this time i cant,, and i dont know why.. i have explored why i cant and a few things come up....... what will i do without drinking I drink every night, how will anything i ever do be fun again..... will my relationship survive. my husband smokes cigs, dope and drinks, my drinking problem is worse than his though.

I just dont know how to even start anymore and not even sure if this is the right place to say it........all i know is that i need and want to stop, i feel i am spiralling out of control and scared to death of smoking again........

Dee74

Hi Kez
Welcome.
Good to have another Aussie here.

I think all addictions are progressive - they were in my case anyway. When I started in my 20s I used to be able to handle them, more or less...by my 30s I lost all self control...the fear of never drinking again, of having to make the changes I'd need to make, kept me in the same situation for 10 years, getting worse and worse...

Evntually something had to give - either me or the drink and drugs.

I found that abstinence from all drugs and alcohol was the way to go for me. I can't have a 'little bit' of anything anymore.

This place is great support - I came here not knowing what to do or how to do it and reading here, and posting about my problems, led me to some answers.

Hope it's the same for you
D

Kez

Hi Dee47

thanks for your reply and yes I agree with you abstinence of all drugs is the only way to go for me as well, I know how i work without alcohol and drugs... Im just having trouble getting on that wagon this time.. And i agree I am 36 soon and these years have been the hardest, and the drinking progression has just increased and i cant believe that i am smoking whilst drinking,,, what am i thinking. and I hope I can gain the strength from reading what everyone has to say...... thanks again

Auschick

Hi Kez and welcome.
I am still struggling myself and can't pinpoint what is holding me back, but as Dee74 said this is a great place for support.

ElegantlyWasted

Welcome. Best of luck. A lot of great people here with far more wisdom and sobriety than I. Do whatever you can and the sooner the better. Initially a lot of people have success by totally emersing themselves in recovery and removing themselves from any and all triggers/ temptation. Best og luck finding something that gives you inner peace and freedom. This sight, smart, aa, cbt etc are great tools to check out. As best I can figure out: you taking positive action for you is what it's all about. Welcome again and keep posting!

Kez

Thanks Auschick and Ozsandy, I identify with you completely Auschick I have no idea why... and Ozsandy have you stopped, sorry Im not sure by you saying you are managing better that you have stopped or are dealing with it better...

yeah i dont understand,, i find my self esteem really low as well, and why is that it is harder to stop when you get older its so confusing,, i feel i have put everything in place, the natropath, got my bike fixed for excercise as i have put on so much weight with the drinking, ive got all the props there in place my mind is even three quarters ready,, but the more i know i have to stop the more i want to drink and i even want to start drinking earlier these days... its just getting worse.. not sure its because i know i have to and i will, that im not allowing myself to take that next step or if its something else, i just want to stop and not want to want it.....i cant even imagine that that is possible at the moment....

Kez

but how can i keep away from it and the triggers elegantly wasted (great name by the way lol) when my husband drinks nearly every day, however he knows when to stop...

OZboy

..hey...more 'aussies'..
..welcome..

..be patient..make a plan..but most certainly you are in the right place
for good advice and care..
it doesn't happen over night and i hope your husband supports you..

..my wife still drinks(not much)..but she supports my decision..not to!!

..take care..Oz..

Dee74

Kez
many members here have spouses who still drink and yet have successfully maintained sobriety...it's not easy but then again it never is....

sadly the support isn't always what it could be at home, but you'll always find it here support 24/7

D

Kez

hi Ozboy my husband tries to be supportive,,, but doesnt really succeed... ive just resigned myself to the fact that i have to do this without him,, I was using him as an excuse to drink before but i know that i am responsible for my own drinking and actions, but your right, a plan i was thinking of limiting myself to a couple a night and when i felt stronger to just quit it all together.

Ozsandy you have done well then to only lapse once in three weeks,, well done.... and thankyou so much for your words

Kez

sorry Ozsandy I meant three months not weeks... and thankyou Dee47 that helps alot to know that..............

Sikkisirus

Welcome to SR Kez, you'll find unlimited support here

You said: normally i can grab the motivation and will power to stop but this time i cant,, and i dont know why.

I think the problem is we associate drinking with fun times. Take away the booze and we think the fun has disappeared. But it hasn't, there's lots of 'dry' fun to be had

Kez

thanks Sikkisirus and your right i no i am saying to myself,, well whats the point of going out if im not drinking, theres no fun and whats the point of even going out to dinner with no drink theres no fun it seems pointless.... the last time i started drinking again i was only having a couple of drinks of wine when i went out to dinner,, then i started saying to my husband lets go to dinner all the time lol, just so i could have a drink then it got to the point where i thought stuff it i dont need to go out to drink....... but going out and not drinking seems pointless coz theres no fun.... geez thats real bad ay just reading that back.... but thats how i feel, like theres never ever gonna be anything fun if i quit... and i know its not REALLY the truth, it just seems like that

then i have the question - how come i could do it before and it was hard before as well,,
but not now....and why the hell have i picked up a cigarette after 6 years....i dont understand myself right now, but i know i have to kick my own butt and get on with it...

Tazman53

Kez I found the motivation to really take action about my drinking when I was willing to do what ever it took to stop drinking, I was 52 when I finally hit my bottom, I had not drawn a sober breath in 5 years yet by some miracle the only thing I had lost at that point was my self esteem, hope, & pride!!!

In a nutshell I gave up!!! First I surrendered to alcohol, I just stopped fighting it, it had won, I made the decision I was going to just drink, to hell with the wife and kids.

A few weeks later right after my wife informed me that at the end of the month her and the kids were leaving me, I thought to myself "Cool, now I can drink all I want and they will not be griping at me!"

As I sat in my garage celebrating I had a moment of clarity..... I saw my life fast forward for the next year if I kept drinking.... short version I lost my family, job, home, and truck. What I was left with was my bottle slowly drinking myself to death!

Dying a slow LONELY death from alcoholism scared the hell out of me!!!

It was at this point in time I was given the Gift Of Desperation!

I had no idea how to get sober and knew I had no idea how to stay sober!

I went to a doctor and told him the whole truth about my drinking, he suggested I do a medical detox.

I went to detox and they told us if we wnated a chnce to stay sober long term to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.

Well I had Gift Of Desperation! I went to those meetings & I got a sponsor. The folks in AA told me that if I wanted a chance at long term sobriety to take the steps with my sponsor and apply them daily to all areas of my life.

I did as they suggested, I have been sober for 3 years and happier then I have been in over 30 years.

You will find the drive to stop when your desire to not drink is greater then your desire to drink.

Hevyn

Hi Kez! I'm so glad you found us. I felt a huge burden lifted when I joined SR - there were people just like me here - no one else in my life understood what I was going through. ("Just say no" - the usual comment I'd get.)

Dee is so right about it being a progressive disease. I spent a long time trying to duplicate my early drinking years, when everything was still manageable and fun. I just didn't get it until I became educated on the subject. I, too, was so afraid everything would be boring and dull without the anesthesia. What a terrible attitude - yet I had it for decades. I had to learn to live differently, without being numb. I am way older than you, Kez, but still feel very immature in many ways. I remember my first few sober days - I felt like a bear coming out of it's cave after the winter. I had to adjust to everything - I was confused, irritable, and scared to death that life would have no meaning - but spending our lives numb isn't living at all. Be proud of yourself for reaching out and trying for a new life for yourself. You're still young and can turn this all around. We'll be cheering for you.

Kez

thanks guys now im in tears and yes Tazman I so agree about the desire to stop has to be greater than the desire to drink, ive had that before and ive done it,, but started again... and every morning i get that same desire to stop but by the evening or arvo the horrible evil alcohol wants to come back again and i give in, and i too gave up and let it win i said to myself i dont care im just gonna drink and stop some time in the future (yeah right like it works like that) and now I dont want it to win i hate it.....and Hevyn i can relate big time,,, its real funny my husband said to me last night (after a talk) ok well ill stop drinking to help you and today i said were you serious about what you said and he said yeah,, no more drinking thoughout the week just a few on the weekend, babe you should be able to have a couple and stop why cant you.... I nearly died when he said that, that was just this arvo..... I thought i might of gotten thru to him about how this is for me,, but obviously not... he has no idea, no idea how hard this is....

thankyou sooooo much everyone it is really helping,, even though i cant stop crying...

Hevyn

You're right, Kez - the "normies" don't get it, and I'm not sure they really can understand the addiction. (My husband recently tried to stop smoking & failed. I said - see - that's sort of how it is for me - you want to, and know you need to quit - so what happened?) He can have 2 beers and stop. It used to really aggravate me, since I'd think - what's the point of just having 2?

PrimalScream

Hey Kez...looks like you have gotten some really good advice. You mentioned that you have started smoking/toking while drinking...I just wanted to throw in that when I drank I always had to smoke and toke. I didn't even want to smoke or toke when I wasn't drinking and I never really drank much if I couldn't smoke and or toke...they all sort of went together. I have quit smoking for up to 8 months before and continued to drink...I didn't drink nearly as much and I never really enjoyed drinking as I felt I was missing out on not smoking, I started to think I had drinking licked...but eventually I started smoking again and then of course I starting drinking like a fish again. For me, I feel the best when I quit all three...I have no idea if this is helping you at all but I felt compelled to throw it out there ...I'm sure you will find this place very helpful, it is a great place to hang out and it is so supportive. Welcome!!

Firehazard

Hi Kez,

Sounds to me like your in the right place. There is no need to get overwhelmed

with all your vices smoking, dope, drinking. Just try stopping drinking today as

we say in AA "First things First"

Aysha

Sry if I missed anything after the first post. I jus shot to the end.
I quit smoking cigs for about 2 mos recently. But started back up while out on medical leave for 3 weeks. It started as just a puff. Then just one. Then a couple..Then a pack. You get the picture.
It is like that with all substances.
It progresses. But the huge thing I see in your post is something I have caught myself doing.
Thinking what else do I have? Can I please just have my dam smokes?
Cant do drugs, cant drink. Just let me have my cigs.
That is what I believe has held me back from stopping again. And what seriusly held me back from not using drugs. I needed and wanted somehting, anything ..Like a security blanket.
I may be way off base. And sry if I am.
But you can do this. It is very possible. I think it all is in the way we think about things.
Look at things in a more positive light. If I stop. I can save this much money, feel better, stop feeling like crap. And so on.
And as for your husband. I dont have one. Never have so I really have nothing there.
But I know you are in the right place if recovery is what you seek. I hope to see more of you.