Bamboozle

Some of the stuff I've been reading lately I find to be unsettling. Not for me, but for newcomers.


I only found this place because I was frightened and I knew I needed to stop drinking. Not moderate, but completely stop and I had no idea how to do that. I'm actually grateful for the heart palpitations that scared me into action...if not for that who knows in what state I'd be in right now. Because of that problem I spent countless hours on the net and tried to find ways to stop. SR consistently popped up in my searches. I lurked here for several months before I registered. I am so glad that when I first started “talking” here I did not see posts about alcohol moderation. I am absolutely certain that I would have gotten it in my head that it would be okay for me to try that. As it was I had an extremely difficult time with the thought of never drinking again. I couldn’t fathom it.

It’s been a strange trip. I pulled myself out of my own denial concerning alcohol…and depression. I finally got help for an illness I’ve had for about 10 years.

These people have helped save my life. Even when they’ve told me things I didn’t want to hear….and I argued back…they were patient with me and still supported me. How could I ever repay that? I have 166 days sober today (in a row!) in large part to these folks.

I had to figure out what was more important--the pleasures of alcohol vs. a quality life. It has to be one or the other for me. I drink and everything goes to sh!t. My last relapse (which led me to finally get help for depression) made that very clear to me.

It’s not worth it for me. I can’t say that enough. When I drink I isolate. When I drink I don’t do anything but drink, eat and sleep. When I drink all I care about is drinking. When I drink my plans revolve around drinking. When I drink I wonder why my quality of life completely sucks. When I drink I live in a dream world…I have all these ideas of what I want to do…but I can’t do those things because drinking is more important.

Now I have a clear mind. I remember what I’m doing. My depression is in check. I recently got a job promotion. I’m enjoying the creative arts again. I feel better.

This doesn’t come easy. It’s been hard work to get what I have right now. I’m not cured, but I’m on the path to bettering my life with each day. I will continue to do the work.

Moderation is out of the question. This is not up for debate for me. There is nothing to discuss. I touch alcohol and I risk throwing away all of that hard work I did to get myself to where I am right now.

I’d like to make it clear this post doesn’t concern harm reduction. I think harm reduction is better than full blown using. I use harm reduction for my food problem. I’m working on tackling that one. But I think there is a difference between those who talk about harm reduction vs. moderation. The tone is different. I’d rather not hear about people enjoying the occasional glass of wine/beer/whatnot because they have addiction in control. That might be the case for some folks…but I sure know that’s not true for me. I cannot do it because it is impossible given my situation. Most of the people who end up at this site are in crisis. Moderated drinking is a dangling carrot on a string and that’s the last thing they need to read about.

Jade19

I agree wholeheartedly!!

Gypsy Feet

<3 you Bam!! My room mate quit for good reasons. Then he decided if he could abstain for 3 months, he obviously didn't have a problem. He asked me at one point during the three months if I didn't think about one day returning to drink, but in moderation, as he was planning. I told him I would use him as my experiment. He said he just didn't want to go back to drinking every day, or drinking more than 2 or 3, or drinking and then driving, or drinking til he was hung over. Within 6 days of going back to "moderate drinking", he had done 3 out of 4 of those. Today he mentioned that he may have to quit drinking for good.

His failure in this experiment is my success. I will not drink. I was asked today by an active alcoholic why I didn't drink, what had happened. When I told her the story of my last night, she blanched. She then said "I think it is amazing that you can share that story with me, and that you made it through the way you did"

I am just as happy for you as I am for myself Bam. I know how you struggled when you first got here. Now I see you reaching out to depressed people trying to help, and it truly makes me grateful for this site, and for meeting you.

David 1

Very well said. You sound a lot like me! I am convinced that alcoholism is a disease such that we are battling that addictive voice that says "go ahead, its just one drink; you can control it this time!" Then we look in the mirror and find out we are only fooling ourselves.

I know I can't drink one drop ever again and I am perfectly okay with that. In fact, I embrace it because I have been sober for almost six years and I can tell you that I am living life how it was meant to be lived. Not in a foggy, hungover state.

We should support and celebrate sobriety - Bamboozle, congratulations on your 166 days!

Dave

OZboy

..congrats on 166 days..can't wait to be there too..
..this is a SR site and i agree that so called moderate DOC users should
reconsider their claim..

..well...you take care...and i understand...Oz..

thirtybubba

Agreed.

I'm not quite there, to be honest--just a newbie at this quitting game--but I do know that if I ever do go back to drinking, it won't be a beer or two (or, more accurate, a shot or two). It's either quit for good, and go along on a wing and a prayer that something positive enough to keep me there happens, or go back to how I was--perhaps forever, and I understand what that means. Those are my options as I see them.

There is no middle ground.

I don't know how I would have reacted a month and a half ago, had I wandered into SR arguing that it was possible for me--not saying everyone, I do realize some can and do drink moderately--to control something I had never controlled in 20 years, for lack of wanting to if nothing else. I might have concluded that this wasn't for people like me, and then I wouldn't have most of these 36 nonsequential days of sobriety I have managed since finding this place.

When I'm drinking, I want to get to oblivion. No point in it otherwise, for me at least.

-TB, poking in on a thread full of people with lots and lots of days

ex D-Boy

Good post bamboozle, I have been gone this weekend in NYC on vacation but catching up on this recurrent theme on the newcomers forum.

Considering moderation after being through a period of addiction//abuse just seems so crazzzzzy to me.

Dee74

Like I said elsewhere today....it makes me very sad to see people who are destroying their lives, minds and bodies with their drug of choice - and yet who still *desperately* want to keep that DOC around.

I was there once - the contortions I got myself into were *insane* - and, ultimately, trying to 'control' my addiction literally nearly killed me.

But one of the things I love about SR is everybody really does get a fair hearing here - and as long as its all done with respect, everybody's at liberty to share their experience.

I wasn't sure I wanted to quit forever when I got here - but the many great posts I read here then convinced me that abstinence was the way forward for me. The posters that influenced me weren't the salespeople or the debaters, but those who were quietly yet demonstrably in recovery.

They're still here

I've never read anything here that's made me doubt my decision since - and I try my best to share my experience everyday...so that maybe I might help someone else find their right way too, whatever that is.

It's not always easy but I try to remember I'm here for recovery not controversy.

I might be dead if not for SR.
Everytime I log on, I'm grateful for that chance

thanks for your post Bam
D

David 1

"When I'm drinking, I want to get to oblivion. No point in it otherwise, for me at least."

That was me too TB - Also, to be perfectly honest even though I am okay with not drinking, I never let my guard down for a second - Even after six years sobriety!

firestorm090

If I could moderate my drinking, I'd never have wanted to find a website about alcoholism. If I could moderate, I'd just keep on doing it, but I can't, so I found this place. If others can moderate, great, but I can't kid myself, the price of any more self-delusion could kill me.

allport

For me not drinking at all is the only way, it isn't a situation I am always happy with but I have to deal with the reality of the situation rather than my wishful thinking.

However I also take responsibility for that decision and I can't use either the actions or words of others as an excuse to try moderation or blame them for any of my many relapses.

If others want to talk about or try moderation, that is their choice they bear no responsiblity for how I react.

Should people be discouraged from talking about relapses in case they trigger someone?

I am aware that personal responsibility is not always a popular opinion but I find myself sharing this with a few of the hard line aa people, if I drink it is because I chose to, we all know this isn't easy but we have to be responsible for our own actions.

yeahgr8

When i joined i knew i had to stop but did not know how, i wasn't interested in reading about ******* moderation management! Do they have moderation management programs for crack and crystal meth too, i guess they would not as they are illegal to buy?! I did have my own denial management program in place for a number of years though...anyone interested, free to join, lifetime memberships are available for purchase?

allport

So if you are not interested in reading about something does that automatically mean that it shouldnt be available to others?

I am not defending moderation in any way, what I am saying is that the world does not revolve around the things that we want or the things that are good for us.

We are all grown ups if we dont like a subject then we can read something else.

yeahgr8

This is called sober recovery...IMO everything on here should be about achieving sobriety. Moderation management is not about achieving sobriety so it has no place here. I respect that there are people that are sober through different methods on this forum, but i don't respect someone posting on a forum like this who is clearly does not have a desire to stop drinking for good, it is totally inappropriate and completely disrespectful to those who are struggling with their addicitions.

allport

Yes and that is in your opinion, in my opinion everyone has the right to express what is going on with them and how their journey is going.

I may hate what someone else has to say but I will defend their right to say it.

The interesting thing about opinions is that everyone has one and everyone thinks theirs is the most important.

Personally after doing a 12 step program unsuccessfully for 3 years when i joined SR the last thing I wanted to read about was aa but I am not arrogant enough to think that because I am not interested in it then it shouldnt be discussed.

This discussion has veered completely off course and we will have to agree to disagree.

yeahgr8

Ok let's agree to disagree:-)

Back on topic, i totally agree with this and think all of the below that i have already posted.

stone

If I could moderate I wouldn't have a problem. I have tried to moderate a thousand times, it is part of my denial. It is insane to cling on so desperately to that which is destroying me, like Dee said. It is also a normal stage for alcoholics to go through on their journey to recovery IMO.
If someone talks of moderation I wish them well, if they can do it then great! If they find they cannot do it then I hope that they will fully accept that fact as soon as possible.

An alcoholic cannot moderate (IMO) but if someone is here wondering if they are an alcoholic or not, whether they can moderate or not then they have the right to ask those questions.

KenL

I can't moderate. Like most people on SR, I've tried it a thousand times and have failed every time. There's just something about us that makes us want more and more and more. Once we've had enough of what more and more and more brings then we stop. Some are at that point and some are not. But those who have this "thing" and still want more will most likely reach the point of getting enough.

Bamboozle

Hey, ally.

Nah, I hope people aren't getting that message from what I wrote. I've relapsed several times since joining SR. I talked about it when I did it and felt I could talk about it.

Tazman53

Bamboozle good post and I get where you are coming from, but to be quite honest I have been here long enough to see some folks start out here all about moderation, and I have seen these same people do one of several things.

1. They dissappear never to be seen again, who knows, maybe they were not an alcoholic of my type and have been successful in thier moderation or they failed in it and are out there drunk as I type.

2. They share how they failed at thier moderation and are back trying to moderate again.

3. They return and admit that they can not moderate and seek recovery through abstinance.

Yes I agree the ones who claim moderation can and does work for some can be detrimental for those seeking real sobriety, but they can also by thier dissappearance and their relapses also be helpful to those who are on the fence.

I spent quite a few years trying to moderate my drinking, and always winding up drunk again and drinking more then ever before. My moderation experiments led me to total alcohol dependance! My moderation experiments led me to full acceptance that I can never ever drink safely again!

I had 2 months sober thanks to AA when I showed up here and there were a lot of folks talking about Moderation Management then, but I was well beyond the point in my drinking when I quit to even consider the possibility that it could work for me.

This is just my opinion and mine only, but when one is at the point where they are truly ready to STOP drinking no one can convince them other wise that they can moderate thier drinking. Those that come here and say moderation is the way for them allows those of us who moderation did not work for to share our experience with moderation.

That is not to say that those who are swayed by this moderation carrot being held out will not try it, they will!!!! But they will also recall when they are back in the bowels of hell due to thier alcoholism that there is another way out of that hell and that is total abstinance and they will remember those of us who have already been through attempts at moderation that found serenity and peace through total abstinance.

AA led me to the point where I am able to make responsible decisions about all things in life, not just drinking.

Drinking for me is a conscience decision today, today I am responsible for how I live my life and whether I drink or not. If I am spiritually fit then the idea of a drink does not even enter my mind, if I chose to turn my back on my spirituality then I am increasing the possibility of me making the decision to drink again.