Carrie36

How crappy is it to come back here with 'my tail between my legs' so to speak and face everyone who was trying so hard to help me. So I blew it, I gave in even when I was given all the tools and advice I needed to get through it. I let myself down. I was so proud of my 30 days. All I can do is keep trying, and im back here to try again. I will need to make some changes and see what I can do differently now. Day 1.

Saphie

Thanks for your honesty. I dreamt the other day (oh those dreams!!) that I relapsed, but I absolutely had no intentions on posting it on here in my dream. I'm not sure how I would handle it in reality. Carrie, you aren't the first and I'm sure you won't be the last. We are all in danger of relapsing. Good for you to pick up the pieces and immediately start again. Well done - one day at a time.

keithj

Hi Carrie,

Sometimes, it takes a little failure for recovery. I failed after seeking medical help, anti-depressants, therapy and counseling, outpatient treatment, inpatient rehab, and AA without doing the Steps.

And then it clicked. When I finally got willing to dig into that Big Book of AA and learn about the mental obsession of alcoholism, it all came together.

The fact for me was that I was living in the delusion that I could control my not drinking. I always knew that I couldn't control my drinking. But I falsely thought that I could control not drinking. That I could just tough it out one day at a time. But the day always came where some trivial excuse for drinking made sense. I thought I was bored. I thought I was angry or happy or empty or needed inspiration. But really, I just had a mental obsession that defines alcoholism.

For me to recover, I had to give up that illusion of control. I had to know deep in my heart, that despite my efforts, I was doomed to drink again. That was when I became willing to seek some kind of power in my life. That was when I saw that a revolutionary change was required. Something big.

And I called a guy in AA I didn't like very much, but he talked about a spiritual solution to my problem. As an atheist, I didn't like that idea very much. But I didn't know what else to do, and I couldn't go on living like that, doomed to failure one more time.

He took me through the Steps and something changed for me. I started to react to life differently. For the first time ever, I felt some peace and comfort with life. The urge to drink was gone for good, and I've lived with that feeling of comfort for a good long while now.

vegibean

Hey Carrie. Don't give up. You are definitely not the only one who has stumbled along the way. Just keep posting here, you have the support. I am glad to see you are still here. :ghug3

Aysha

You have the right idea. Alot of people, including myself would beat ourselves up and possibly continued to use.
I have done it so many times. I think its great you want to keep trying and know you need to try something different.
You know how many times I kept doing the same thing?
So IMO your on the right track.
So what is it you will try different this time?
Hang in there and always always keep trying.

TheLadyb

This touches my heart, because again I have falied. I keep thinking that I can control my drinking and of course, I can not. Last night was bad, and I let down my son, who loves me. I get scared to write that I have failed because in the past, I get nasty reponses that I am not trying and taking the right steps. I can only do what I think is right.

I was feeling so good, and optimistic that the old me was back...Now today I am so guilty and disgusted.....

Alcholism SUCKS

PurpleCat

Carrie & Ladyb - just keep on trying. You can do it.

keithj

Of course you can not. Not if you're alcoholic. That's the easy part to see. What helped me was realizing that not only could I not control my drinking, but that I could not control my not drinking.

That's where the true powerlessness lies. I couldn't control not picking up that first drink. I couldn't control that mental twist of thinking that somehow this time would be different.

Yes, you have to do what you think is right. Absolutely. But maybe you could also be open to what others that have recovered think about the topic.

I would take a real close look at pages 23&24 in AA's Big Book. Also pages 37&38. Are you willing to click this link?
BIG BOOK-CHAPTER TWO P23.ASP

NewMe11109

Carrie -

I'd like to second what Keith and others have said.

When Thomas Edison was asked what it felt like to have failed so many times at creating the light bulb he said that "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

So, you have just found something that doesn't work.

I have found that my absolute worst cravings come at my sobriety birthdays. So, if you have noticed, I have been writing like crazy on SR for the past three days. Why? Because I just had my 9 month birthday on Sunday and I have learned that the only way that I stay sober is to get hyper-engaged in my recovery at these times. I do this by writing, reading posts (especially ones about ACOA), going to meetings, being a speaker at hospitals and institutions, talking with my sponsor, and hugging my kids.

I love recovery, but am just one drink away from being in your shoes.

So be happy. You have just determined another thing to check-off your list that doesn't work. And don't worry, it won't take you 9,999 more to find your solution ... there is a lot of wisdom in these posts.

You will find your path.

Tazman53

That is one of the keys, not doing the exact same thing OVER and OVER again and expecting different results.

If I hit myself on the toe with a hammer and it hurts, should I hit myself in the toe with a hammer to see if it still hurts? I spent a lot of years trying to stay stopped my way and I always wound up drunk again, I never relapsed, I got drunk!!!

I had to become willing to do ANYTHING to stay sober, in my case as with many others it was the fellowship of AA and the program of AA that worked for me.

Wolfchild

Dee74

You came back - and you're trying again - thats the thing that matters here Carrie
Like you say - work out where you need to tweak it...and move on

D