meo348241

I'm still going strong with my recovery. I'm coming up on five months and I really can't imagine how it could be going better. That said, I'm facing some challenges right now. Anyone with some prior experience or ideas about them, please feel free to share them with me. I'll start with the least troubling and progress to the most dire.

1. My wife and I will be giving up smoking tomorrow. This will be about the, I dunno, 3000th time. Sometimes we only make it a few days, sometimes a few months. We're such f'ing addicts when it comes to smoking. Any little excuse will do. We actually quit a few weeks after I got sober and it was going great, I don't even know what brought us back in. I felt great about it and its really frustrating that I'm smoking a Marlboro right now. The fact that I'm constantly defeated by nicotine scares the crap out of me as it relates to my sobriety. I never drank or used like I smoke but still...Anyway, if anyone has been successful with quitting please let me know how you did it. This time I won't be sabotaged by going out to a bar so that's one thing working in my favor. I'm also going to focus more on health and fitness to reinforce the change. I've been working out and eating fairly healthy but I plan to start running once my lungs, pardon the pun, get a chance to breathe.

2. I'm going to see a therapist to help deal with my addiction and the underlying psychological problems. My therapist has me reading/doing John Bradshaw's Homecoming. For those who never heard of it, its basically a way to deal with unresolved issues and grief from childhood. I'm glad I'm doing this and I'm learning a lot about myself and why things have been so screwed up in my life. I'm finally dealing with all this stuff instead of drowning it with booze. However, I will say that facing these demons is not easy in any way, shape or form. I'm crying a lot and the emotions that are being unearthed don't always like to lay dormant. So like, I'll be at work and I'll get to thinking about some of the stuff I'm working on and all of a sudden I'm ready to break down and cry. Unfortunately, I'm not currently employed in the most supportive environment so, if I let any of this show, I can look forward to a lot a harassment. Has anyone else done this program or one that might be similar to it? What was it like coming out of the other side of it? How did you get through the difficult times? Did it in anyway jeopardize your sobriety or at least provide a temptation?

3. This is the worst. I'll call this guy a former using buddy but he's a lot more than that to me. We've been friends since kindergarten back in 1986 and he's by far my oldest friend. I'm also his daughter's godfather. In terms of our using habits and the way they have/do impact our lives we're so much alike. I guess the only real difference is that he got himself into heroin and it really got a hold of him. About two years ago he was making an ill-fated attempt to get off of junk. I told him that no matter what happened that I would never turn my back on him no matter who else did. Well right now we're at one of those turning points again. We had an intervention for him about a year ago and to his credit he did get off smack. The problem is that everything else stayed the same (booze, cocaine, psychedelics, etc).

At the time I felt like such a hypocrite, here I was a self-admitted yet active addict telling the guy that he needed to clean up. In one sense this speaks to how bad he was getting if me and my other junkie, booze hound friends thought he needed to slow down. I feel guilty right now because had I made the effort to stay clean at the time, perhaps I could have gotten him out of this downward spiral as well.

Nevertheless, I'm clean now and two days ago I got a call from his girlfriend/mother of his child. She's positive that he's back on junk and, on top of that, all his other habits are through the roof. He's making some really risky moves while under the influence, not working, facing 90 in prison for a DUI and blowing what little $ they have on partying. She doesn't get a lot of support on all this from anyone except my wife and myself. She's at the point where she's ready to leave him and, for the first time, I'm able to tell her that I agree that she may need to do that if things don't change. I'm feeling really guilty about doing that. I absolutely do not want to see my best friend lose his family. I know that it could possibly be the bottom that he needs to hit and that she would go back to him as soon as he got clean. However, I'm a little nervous that this wouldn't be quite bottom for him. Actually, I'm a lot nervous. Guys like us go for the extreme and that includes needing to hit the very bottom. At the same time, something has got to give. As long as there's no consequences for him, nothing is going to change. I also care deeply for his girlfriend and my goddaughter and they don't deserve what he's putting them through.

Well, during this phone call that I mentioned above, she asked me to talk to him again. I told her I would and I am going to. I also put her in touch with the charity that is helping me pay for therapy right now, because they for sure need couples counseling, but I'm going to have to play an active part here myself. I'm not going to feel like a hypocrite this time. I'm clean and will continue to be so. My life has gotten a lot better and can serve as an example to him as to what is possible is he gets clean. I know many would say that getting him to see the light is not my responsibility but right now if I don't no one will. His girlfriend has but he's not hearing that. His family enables and minimizes his problems and our mutual friends are either addicts or have moved far away from this crap town we live in.

Anyway, does anyone have any advice about how I might go about this or some stories about how they were successful in similar situations. He is a religious person so I think AA/NA could work for him. I'm not into the steps but I'm willing to go to meetings with him if that what it takes. I'm comfortable enough with my sobriety that an alternative method isn't going to harm me. I also want to see if his lawyer might be able to get him into rehab instead of 90 in jail. He also needs to see that he can turn things around with his family. My marriage is better than its ever been and I want that for him. His girlfriend sees our marriage and wants that for the two of them. His daughter needs him so I won't just be doing this for the two of them. I know I'm taking on a lot here but I can't just turn my back. I cut him out when I got sober like I did with all my using friends but I have to stick my neck out this time.

Wish me luck. Thanks for reading.

Bamboozle

Hey, meo.

About your friend...you can reach out your hand, but he has to take it and pull himself up. If he's willing, you can help. If he's not, there isn't much you can do.

I need to quit smoking. I'm 5 months sober (longest for me) and I'm not that worried about quitting smoking right now. I know me...if I do too much at once I crash and burn.


I'll get around to stopping soon enough. Right now I'm just glad I'm still sober.


Take it easy.

meo348241

I'm gonna bump this because I really could use some words of wisdom

littlefish

My first reaction is that I admire your dedication to your friend but it seems like you are taking a lot of responsibility for him...perhaps too much? You feel guilty about agreeing with his wife that she should leave him. But, you don't really have to take a position about that at all.

Ultimately it is her decision and what others think about it is simply their opinion. It is a choice only she can make, her's and her's alone.

Your desire to help him is admirable and you are obviously a good friend, but what "many would say" is true here. Getting him to see the light is not your responsibility. 99% of the recovering addicts and recovering alcoholics here on SR will tell you that thier recovery was a step they had to take on their own.

5 months is still a delicate stage in your own recovery. The best way you can help him is to just keep staying clean and sober yourself. You are already living the example. You can't do much more.

Pelican

Why are you trying to catch your friend and cushion him from his bottom? Some people need to hit it hard. 90 days in jail with be a forced sobriety. He will get medical attention for his withdrawals. It doesn't mean he won't pick up as soon as he checks out of jail, but there is a chance he will become aware of his addiction and the distruction it is causing in his life and the lives of his loved ones.

Was there anything anyone could have said or done to make you quit? Could they make you stay clean and sober? Could they control your addiction for you?

I'm a recovering alcoholic and a recovering co-dependent of an alcoholic spouse. I had to learn where my side of the street is and how to take care of only my side. I have to let others keep their side of the street as clean or as messy as they want. I know where my boundaries are (most days) and how to enforce them. I learned a lot of those skills through Alanon. I do recommend Alanon meetings for the partner of your addicted friend. Let her get the help she needs to help herself and their small child.

This is from one of my Alanon readings for today:
"While the alcoholic picked up a drink and became drunk on alcohol, I picked up the alcoholic and became drunk on control and approval-seeking."

Check your motives. Are you trying to fix your friend because of guilt? Do you want his approval?

Please continue your program of recovery. You are learning about self-love and it is showing! Good on you. Let your positive, healthy choices become a lighthouse to your friends partner, your friends, your partner and everyone in your life. When they see the positive changes in your life, they may reach out their hand and ask for help. Until that day, keep your side of the street clean.

Congratulations on your sobriety. Keep on keeping on!

meo348241

I'm really afraid of what his bottom is going to be. This guy has had a lot of very bad stuff happen to him already as a result of his addiction. If I had to go through a lot of what he has already faced, I'd probably have a few years of sobriety under my belt. So the fact that all this hasn't made him decide to clean up leads me to believe that bottom for him is going to be his own death or worse, killing his daughter in a drunk driving accident or something like that.

I'm sober now because of what someone said. My wife laid it all on the line. She tried in vain for a while but eventually she got through. I won't lie. I feel some guilt because I didn't stay clean back when he was trying to kick a little over a year ago. However, me wanting to get through to him this time is not all predicated on that guilt.

I know I can't live this guys life for him. But I don't accept the idea that I should just sit back and watch. Interventions do work as I understand it. I know that I'm clean today because someone made my using not seem worth it anymore. I did/am doing the hard work but my wife also had/has my back. I can't imagine living life without relationships where I make commitments to other people and they make them to me. If it wasn't for my wife, I probably wouldn't be clean. She stuck with me when some would say that she should have left or that she was overstepping her bounds in trying to get me to clean up. I know that she feels it was worth it. It might not have been fair to her, but what in life is? I know that I'm taking on some personal risk here. But its not just my friend that I'm worried about. I also want to protect his girlfriend and his daughter. In the end they may have to split but I also know what kind of harm that is going to leave on the two of them. His daughter in particular will grow up without a father or with one that is barely around and drunk/high and abusive when he is around. I know that pain far to well. So does my friend. Look where it got the two of us in life. I just can't sit back. I've done enough of that in my addiction.

Bamboozle

Hello again, meo.

Check out the friends and family section here at SR if you haven't already.

Pelican

Okay. Can you help arrange an intervention? I agree that intervention does help, we have great examples of that here in this forum. The addict has to want to recover in order for the intervention to be successful. Sometimes we start out wanting recovery for our family, but to truly be successful we have to want it for ourselves.

Your friend needs to be stopped from driving while under the influence. Are you willing to call the cops on him when you know he is behind the wheel while under the influence?

I'm glad you are there as a friend to this family. I hope you will continue to watch out for and protect your godchild. She can't protect herself.

meo348241

Calling the cops on him is a tall order. If I knew his daughter was in the car, absolutely. I'm not sure how I'll know when this is going on though?

Thanks everyone for the advice. I called him about getting together tonight under the pretense of watching a baseball game. Its gonna be one on one. I have a plan as to what I'll say. Hopefully I hear back from him, wish me luck.

BTW, day 2 of not smoking, this sucks big time. I wanna go for a run so I can appreciate my lungs not being clogged but I'm stuck waiting for the refrigerator repair man. Oh well, no sense in complaining.

Sikkisirus

I used the gum to quit cigarettes. Hardcore smoker, loved it but 5 years ago I tried the gum, two packets. Never smoked again. Its not a miracle cure of course and it won't be like this for all but it worked for me.

margarok

There is a smoking cessation forum on about.com that has an enormous amount of information on quitting smoking. I quit smoking with the gum almost three years ago, but more important than the gum was educating myself about nicotine addiction. You can post and join one of the "teams" or not... but the information there is invaluable to building a quit smoking toolbox.

As long as helping your friend doesn't threaten your own sobriety, you should try to help. But, sometimes we really do have to let go of what we cannot control.

Good luck.