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Old 09-04-2009, 08:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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positive bubba


Yeah, I figured I oughtta just start a positive thread, since I usually only post whole threads when I'm really upset.

I did make it a week. Now I'm working on day 8. It's been sorta touch and go all day.

I woke up and my Evil Roommate 'suggested' I clean the counter. I was maybe 10 minutes awake. She caught me washing my hands and looking into the mirror to see if I still resembled myself. I 'suggested' I was going somewhere, I'd do it when I got back. She told me it would be done by then. I failed to see the problem, but then she started telling me why giving her attitude was a bad idea, because she's the 'wrong one.' Hmmm. Now I don't feel so bad about just grinning at her and ignoring her.

And the reason I was going somewhere was my cousin called me around noon to tell me that he had forgotten, but he had bought me a plane ticket to come home for the holiday. So I had to be at John Wayne by 2.

I didn't make it, couldn't drive I was so upset by the situation in the dorms. Didn't want to come back to that on Monday. So I pulled over, figuring somehow it was not meant to be. Got to thinking as I did some errands.

Realized, that regardless, nobody cares what I do. Never really have. I don't mean that people don't want the best for me, there are plenty of those. Just that if I go right or left, nobody cares. People who like me assume that somehow I'll come out alright, always do. School likes to enable me--learned that word here, hope I used it right--but I know that there's a worse price to pay if I take it too far. People around here don't seem to care what I do, except for those who want me to do their bidding. .

So if nobody cares what I do, I can do what I want. No real consequences--I am of course barring doing things like go on a shooting rampage, since I don't really want to do that anyways--and no real rewards. Only what I make of it, both ways. I am the punisher and I am the rewarder. The advantage of living in isolation...


So, around the time the flight was leaving, I got to thinking, well, I'm upset, I did a whole week sober, it's the long weekend and I have nothing to do and can go nowhere--the buses are on holiday schedule ie running every hour during the day only, and checkstops make me driving with no license a very bad idea--might as well get a bottle. Can start again next week, shoot, that's all I been doing lately anyhow.

Driving south I signaled left, and in one motion my right hand little finger grabbed the signal and pulled it up as it spun the wheel to the right, and I expertly slid into the right turn lane. I never knew my little finger could drive so well, and I certainly didn't know how much it hated my drinking. My conscious brain, the part you think with, don't know what it's called officially, it knew nothing of this, but went along with it anyways due to the road having six lanes and traffic cameras. If my little finger is going to rebel, I should pay attention.

So then I had nowhere to go, I thought of going to a movie. I don't know any though, so I went to the mall. Drove home past the store, and even meant to go in and get a bottle, and leave it in the car if I didn't feel like drinking it tonight (that does happen in my world, rarely, but yes). And just didn't. I was in the right lane, coulda just dipped in, but didn't. I was kinda surprised.


Back to the thinking. Nobody cares what I do, except me of course. So then I was thinking, do I want to be drunk? And I thought back, no. I asked myself what is it I want to be doing then, 'cause I got a whole long weekend ahead of me, not to mention a few decades of days. I determined that I want to be doing something. When I was at the mall I was in a bookstore with a (limited) hobby section. All of those things mentioned cost lots of money or take up space, two things I don't have. So I was wondering, what kinds of things--and I don't mean sitting down, relaxing type things, I got enough of those, I need the opposite, something to get rid of my unspent energy and make my eyes light up--don't cost much and don't take up much space?

I don't know, so I am humbly asking.


Anyways, I'm still sober somehow. And I'm going outside for a minute, then I'll come back to SR and be a better citizen of it. I've been rude for the last two days, and I know it, I apologize to all.

Thank y'all. Have a good day. Have a better day tomorrow.
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Old 09-04-2009, 08:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Good share TB we are right here with you
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Old 09-04-2009, 09:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Dear Bubba, my friend ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Well, look at you go Bubba!!!! Yah to YOU!!! I'm so proud of you for doin' all that talking to yourself. LOL I do alot of that myself ya' know!

BIG Congratulations on 8 Days Sober!!! XO

That just ROCKS!!! I don't have any brill ideas at the moment Bubba of things you could do besides alot of long walks or something. There's a meeting on SR at 7:00 pm EST tomorrow with yours truly (LOL) Hosting?! Too bad you missed it tonight it was an excellent meeting!! Well, me will think on this and meanwhile I'm sure lots of other fine friends on SR will have some fabulous ideas for you. This old Pancake is too tired and Dingused out tonight to think very straight. Sorry bout that my friend. I'm sure PROUD of you though Bubba!!!

Love and big hugs,

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Old 09-04-2009, 09:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Bubba,

Awesome job on getting to day 8. Can you hire a bike or rollerblades? Might be a cheap way to both sightsee and expend some energy. What about indoor rock-climbing?
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Old 09-04-2009, 09:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
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We care what you do Bubba.

I'm pretty grateful for that little finger too

here's a list of stuff to do - some things cost, others not - might start you off anyway

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ething-do.html

D
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Old 09-04-2009, 09:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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hey TB,

Way to go on passing up the booze for another night. It really is a one-day-at-a-time deal, and you and I are on the same page. I too have those thoughts of "who really cares," and then think, I have no real friends, just acquaintances, then the dance with the bottle slowly starts to creep into play. It's the ole "woe is me" mindset that we hold so dear, for it provides temporary justification for just saying f it and grabbing a beer, joint, bottle of rum, you name it. I even had similar thoughts like that this evening, pulled out the book to call a cab, then said,"Whoa, hold on there buddy, who's ever gonna give a damn if I don't?" The ole bartender loves to see me cause I tip good, (don't want to burn the hand that serves you your meds, now do ya?). Other than that, yea, a couple of the good ole drunks, who drink for the same escape I do may say hey and chat w/me a while, making us both feel like there may be someone who cares. In the end, it's all a facade, but it's a facade I know all too well. I'm used to it, I've carved my name in the ruts of alcoholism for years, and I just seem to follow the same old rut which leads only to misery and despair, cause it's familiar.

To break the familiar pattern, today I went to an AA meeting. It was small, only about five people showed up, but it helped ease the stress of early withdrawals, so I just pasted my butt to the chair and listened to the people there who have been where we are. They seemed comfortable, relaxed and had a light in their eyes that dimmed for me years ago. It wasn't fancy, no real tragedies were discussed, just a few comments on how their lives have become better due to working the program, and then it dawned on me that they were really talking to me. They were sharing for my benefit, not their own. Who cares, well, they surely seemed to and I think it was that very meeting that made me put away the phone book tonight, forget the cab and come on here to SR, cause there are a lot of good people here who care for me and you more than we presently care for ourselves. They care whether we choose to drink today and they will care tomorrow, that much I have learned. If they care, maybe they can show us how to learn to care too. It doesn't come natural to me, I need to learn how to do it. Maybe I'll start by caring for you. That helps take the focus off of me and my little world and helps me learn to focus on others. I hope you don't mind.
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Old 09-04-2009, 09:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hmmm. Thank y'all. That was quick.

Pancake, what is "Dingused"? Sorry, dumb American...

NB, thanks.

Box, I think I'm gonna do that tomorrow. The rock climbing. Found one down a nearby street. 30 bucks or so... that's a 1.75L...

Dee, reading list soon as I finish this. Gotta go run over to the lab to print out a waiver before 10.

Firestorm, yeah, it is a lonely life... oddly I figured out years ago nobody liked me in the bars (past the obvious--all the men liked me) so I just decided it was more fun watching life blurry from home. Lot cheaper too, although that might have been my downfall. See, back then I didn't live in the dorms, so if I stepped outside, there were people I could interact with, things to look at. I lived in a very interesting area. Several movies/TV shows are based on events there...

I certainly don't mind if you care for me, but I'd have to warn you it can't be easy. I have a habit of doing stupid things sometimes. Just don't wanna see nobody hurt, so that's my legal disclaimer.


Anyways, yeah. More things! Sorry, I have an addictive personality... Heck, three days ago I was addicted to sugar daddies and these little strawberry flavor candies. It was a two day addiction that led to intense tooth pain still. Twenty years of rum and whiskey and I don't remember tooth pain like this.

Take care y'all, off to print a piece of paper.



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Old 09-05-2009, 03:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Oh, and yeah Dee, I saw that list last weekend--I was trying to write a post about something to do back then, but then I gave up 'cause I thought it wasn't the same as everybody else's posts.

I cut & pasted the whole thing, deleted all the same ones, deleted all the things I simply can't do (walk dog) and ended up with read/write, post on SR, listen to music, calm-ish activities. I already do lots of these type of things, and I can add crossword puzzles/word jumbles to the list. I been doing a lot of those. But every single thing I have ever typed on here was accompanied by music, on my end at least, I take my laptop earphones off to put on my ipod earphones. And I write much more than what I post. Read all the time, although these days it's more textbooks than novels, or short stories--my favorite...bubba got no attention span.

What I was looking for was more active things. I walk all the time too, places I could drive if I was a real Southern Californian, but anything inside of 3 miles I usually walk just because it takes me longer to get there, which occupies more of my day.

I'm still on the withdrawal pills, although I'm withdrawing from them now, so I'm still nervous about moderate/strenuous physical activity, although soon I will be capable of that again.

I just need things that are more, well, exciting, I guess, to round out my life.

I used to have that, but it was largely--well, illegal. None of it appeals to me anymore. I calmed down, got a job, went to school, and never replaced that part of my life except with alcohol. Till I was in my twenties, drugs and alcohol were everyday, but dare I say it, more moderate. I mean, I was always (too) drunk and high, but I never let it get out of control like I did after I calmed down. Strangely, when I calmed down I actually took that active part of my life out on purpose, figuring that would just get me into trouble. Little did I know...

When I was working, I didn't need to go out on days off, so I'd drink what a 120lb person probably shouldn't be able to. And I wouldn't go out. But it was because there was a nagging little cell in me telling me, 'you should go out and do something' and there was nothing to do, nobody to do it with. So I'd hush it with whiskey and more whiskey 'cause it was my cell after all, and bless its little cellular heart, it just didn't know when to say when.

I've been knowing for about 3 years I needed a hobby or something. This isn't something I figured out after sobriety. It's probably the only thing that might save me that I realized about myself while drinking, but when I asked around, everybody told me 'you know, just go do the usual things people do.' Which I didn't know what they were, never having been a 'usual people'. So, frustrated, I just hit the bottle harder. That was when I didn't feel the urge to do something so strongly, I was more content to just hang around. And slowly separated myself from society in the process, getting even further behind...

Anyways. All that to say, I need better things to do. Exciting things, or moderately exciting things--I don't mean on jump out of a airplane level here. I'm not going to describe what all I was doing, but it basically was not sitting around. I mean, a bunch of people going to the arcade was fun. Camping. Racing cars... Whatever. Problem is, I don't have people, so I gotta make up for it somehow, or lose my sanity and probably my sobriety. Still planning on going to that rock thing tomorrow. Never climbed a indoor rock before.
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Old 09-05-2009, 04:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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thirty, get out of your own way and just do something. You sound like you're own worse enemy in your posts. "I want to but I don't want to." Please put something into action, step out of the norm, do something different and against the grain, take the road less traveled. You are in control of YOUR day today, it will be whatever you make of it.

Hope you have a great weekend.
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Old 09-05-2009, 04:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Well active things are not my forte Bubba
I hope someone else here has some ideas for ya...

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Old 09-05-2009, 04:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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hi tb... (and everyone)....

do you suffer from some kind of depression? i dont know if i am allowed to talk medical stuff here.. but i have a daughter going through depression and beside the alcohol part (she's 16 ),


Quote:
Realized, that regardless, nobody cares what I do. Never really have. I don't mean that people don't want the best for me, there are plenty of those. Just that if I go right or left, nobody cares. People who like me assume that somehow I'll come out alright, always do. School likes to enable me--learned that word here, hope I used it right--but I know that there's a worse price to pay if I take it too far. People around here don't seem to care what I do, except for those who want me to do their bidding. .
Quote:
So if nobody cares what I do, I can do what I want. No real consequences--I am of course barring doing things like go on a shooting rampage, since I don't really want to do that anyways--and no real rewards. Only what I make of it, both ways. I am the punisher and I am the rewarder. The advantage of living in isolation...
that sounds very much like how she thinks when she's down,,,..

take care

k
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Old 09-05-2009, 05:29 AM   #12 (permalink)
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((Thirty))
Like the positive post.
How about volunteer work, somewhere. U need to B around people, why not give something back. U will stay busy 4 a few hours and probably realize that other people have the same issues and life struggles as U do. Something to do with kids maybe, homeless shelter, abuse centers...
Let us all know what U did today, did U climb to the top? Take that plunge
Stay strong.
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Old 09-05-2009, 05:30 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Bubba,

I don't think it's that nobody cares what you do, it's that we're all on our own journey. We are at different points in the journey, but we're all travelling along together. You make your own choices.

I think you will find lots of things to do in your recovery.
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Old 09-05-2009, 05:34 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tallcactus View Post
((Thirty))
Like the positive post.
How about volunteer work, somewhere. U need to B around people, why not give something back. U will stay busy 4 a few hours and probably realize that other people have the same issues and life struggles as U do. Something to do with kids maybe, homeless shelter, abuse centers...
Let us all know what U did today, did U climb to the top? Take that plunge
Stay strong.
That is a great idea. Doing work with others can be so rewarding.
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Old 09-05-2009, 05:40 AM   #15 (permalink)
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It's a great idea actually - good one TC!
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Old 09-05-2009, 07:20 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Congrats on your sober time....and remember.....you are in early recovery, so your feelings can be a jumbled mess. It sounds like you are sooo on the right track looking for something to do.

I have found.....that exciting is what I make it. It doesn't matter what I do, if I MAKE it exciting, it can be. If I make it boring, it surely will be. I know that sounds simplistic, but really it isn't.

Right now, focus on your sobriety. You are okay. We're glad you're here.
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Old 09-05-2009, 07:23 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Hello hello!

Its saturday already so i wouldnt bank on signing up for volunteer work this weekend, maybe next!

How about reading a book, listening to music, beating your evil room mate with a 6ft stick...wait...hang on...not the last one;-)

Is there anywhere you can go and walk around where you live? Or in easy driving distance...it works for me of you go and walk somewhere just looking at stuff you always feel better afterwards. It is getting into practice of not being so self absorbed, just look at stuff...does that make sense?

Sounds like you would be better to get out the dorm, defo, for a bit:-)

take care and well done on 8 days:-)
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Old 09-05-2009, 09:43 AM   #18 (permalink)
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How about going to some fun workout classes at your school's gym? Like aerobics, cardio dance, etc. That could be fun and active. Student clubs? You mentioned that people there don't get you but have you talked to all the clubs that sound interesting? If walking is too boring, maybe you can jog?

Good luck!
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Old 09-05-2009, 10:23 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I have met some new people while doing some fun activities at Find Meetup Groups near you - Meetup.com

Hiking, biking, tennis, dinner/dancing events. I am hoping to get my fishing rod out soon, its been way too long.

Let me know if you find any groups of interest close to you TB.

Take Care,

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Old 09-05-2009, 10:59 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Ho boy. I knew I was bad at expressing what I felt, but oops. Sorry y'all.

First off, Anna & others, I was not referring to *anybody* on SR when I said "nobody cares what I do."
I was referring to the people physically right here. And Anono, I don't know if I'm clinically depressed--every other day I'm blue--but I was happy when I wrote the post. I did not mean those words in the sense of "there is nobody on the planet that cares for me." There are, I just can't physically touch them, they're far away & on the other end of chats & phones. I was intending it more in the sense of "it affects nobody's life to the point where I would have to think twice about doing it." *frustrated* Still can't really pinpoint what I meant to all y'all, although I do know what I meant.

Vegi (first post) yeah, you may be on to something.

Dee, no problem at all. I figured most wouldn't, I do read y'alls's posts and do notice most of y'all don't go for active. I was just hoping there would be somebody that did... Shot in the dark. Thought it wouldn't hurt.

TC, will check into that on Tuesday.

Coffee, I actually do understand that. I have made lots of things fun that shouldn't probably be. But right now what I'm looking for is something to raise my pulse some, I suppose. Although I love them, crossword puzzles fail there for the most part.

And actually, this is sort of a focus on my sobriety. When I get to feeling like I want to do something, and I have nothing to do, my exact next response is to drink. Every single time.

I'm glad I'm here. And that all y'all are here too.

Yeahgr8, yup, all the above. Listening to music as I type, as ever. Read lots, walk *lots*. Interesting things, not so much. I have figured out that in a two mile range from my 'home', there are 11 styles of home and only 8 colors of paint. And possibly no people. And it's very easy to think you're on another small curly road than you actually are, and become totally lost in a 1-square mile walled off block. They're like little labyrinths. And the mercury's high, barometer's low, so your brain gets addled... fun times.

No driving for me this weekend. I like my car too much to lose it 'cause I got popped for no lic/ins.

Ocean, my school's not really a 'community school' that I know of... no activities, etc. Actually, the surrounding place isn't much of a community either, at least any other place I've lived. I'll check it out though.

This school has fraternity/sorority type clubs, and major-related clubs. Not only am I already in one (major-related), I accidentally became a top officer last year. Oddly, this does not help me socially. It will however probably help me academically--which is what most people use them for. Don't get me wrong, people know who I am here, and always say hi, but, and I'm going to be selfish here, I would like somebody to go somewhere with--and I mean anywhere, I couldn't get anybody to go with me to the school bookstore--instead of 2-3 minutes of idle chat. Oh, and I'm hijacking my own thread. For now I want active-y things to do.

NB, yeah! I'm gonna check that out right now. You posted that as I hit the reply button, so I didn't see it first.


Well, thank y'all for replying, and again, *so sorry* for the confusion about my wordings.

Also, due to my inexplicable (!) recent inability to maintain my own schedule--thank you, Mr. Piece of Paper--I realized too late that I have something less fun to do today during when I would be climbing indoor rocks. According to the site, it has to be an all day thing, so I'm a try for Monday if they're open. Have not stopped wanting (@ you, Vegi... this ain't one of those times... unless I don't do it Monday).

Take care y'all.
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