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Old 09-13-2009, 07:04 AM   #61 (permalink)
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Phenominal.. two week and counting... you should be very proud of how far you have come. I share the same thoughts sometimes when I look at the board that people are relating their relapses and then I realized that these people are in pain and turmoil as I was (and occasionally still am) and they need support and it was freely given, just to get me over the first step which took three days. Not that I am an expert but I feel that adding the odd comment here and there re-enforces the will to carry on and share some of what I have been through, which may resonate and give someone the strength to keep going another day.
When I first got here I didn't really 'listen' to the one day at a time... I was soon nodding my head and have found good people here who offer the experience and wisdom.
I'm glad that you share your situation and clearly it is a challenge both within you and logistically. I have my first test today with going to a BBQ up the road and I am determined to keep focus and if the temptation is strong I will leave!

Let's keep on this road together, the view is nice and the air is good...isn't it nice to face the day with a clear head and purpose? Be well and let's keep going forward.
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Old 09-13-2009, 07:06 AM   #62 (permalink)
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Old 09-13-2009, 07:41 AM   #63 (permalink)
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Mornin' y'all...

I got some sleep, am in a better mood right now, I suppose.

Schadenfreude, hadn't thought of that, LOL. That's where they categorize my sense of humor in general.

Cath, yeah. It's just that living through it in real time feels proportionately far longer than it either is or will eventually feel like was... sick little variation on relativity. I hope it gets easier.

HF, yeah, forward... {absently walks forward again** my clear head is gone for now, filled with anger and confusion.

OB, thanks.

Box, Dee, TC, thanks for being around.


-TB, who would actually prefer toast to whiskey right now

ps. OB, like your quote.
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:55 PM   #64 (permalink)
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..feeling 'blue' is never a nice feeling..i have that problem,every day..
..my humour disguises that fact..yet like a clown in a circus..i live behind
that humour as a worried man..

..but i'm learning to read between the lines and have discovered that if
i stay focused on the wonderful things around me and stop staring down
a dark tunnel of doom and gloom...i actually feel better...

..your friendship and many others on this sr site simply provides me with
enough reality of what i never knew before..caring,understanding,
sharing,compassion..heck...i was a pr#ck....not any more....

..i do care and will always be here..if only, just to be here and put a
smile on ya dial.....LOL ..Oz..
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Old 09-13-2009, 09:54 PM   #65 (permalink)
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Hey y'all, end of Sunday...

First off, I was rereading a little bit up ^ and I noticed something I guess I hadn't made clear. It's not people relapsing that gets me, I pretty much always respond to those--it was just that that particular moment, there were like 7 in a row. It was the steady opening of threads on the same topic that did me in...

Sorry, didn't mean to imply I don't like people relapsing... well, I don't, but I'd be the biggest hypocrite to not support them. I had what, three, in a month?

And Oz, I was whatever the female equivalent is... made bitter by the coldness in this here sunny California. I've gotten softer since sobriety, but it still needs work.

Humor is what always got me through the day...

Well, now I got what, 16 days. And I guess I'm stuck with the mood swings.



Tomorrow I go back to school, today I've actually been doing my homework and I paperclipped the parts I have to read. The most day-before prep for anything past a test/ assignment due. I really gotta work on my study habits. When I was drinking I slid by with A's, I don't know how. But I do know that whatever it was was guiding me back then has stepped back and let me drive--sober I'm inept at pretty much everything, from remembering to eat to appointments and basic motor coordination. I'd be a fool to think I can slide by still in school.

That part's--the having to study--not fun, but it might be an advantage in keeping me from stress. If I study as the class goes along, I don't have to worry about it later. Might be a good thing about sobriety, giving me skills I probably will need in graduate school.

I went to church, came home feeling peaceful and was greeted at the door by a bottle of vodka on the table.

Didn't drink it, but somebody did and now it's still there, possibly staring at me through walls. I don't need as many candies today, and haven't thought as much about drinking. Almost none, actually--especially if the bottle is out of sight.

So yet again, it's just a mood swing. Glad there are people here on SR. Y'all can probably see why I never bothered to sober up by myself... and I never even got close to this far those days when I had to sober up for a job or whatever--the only way I could even do that was to think "okay, 12 hours and you can have a drink." I'd even have the bottle already. I always knew the stakes why I had to sober up, and I always knew it didn't count as "controlling your drinking." But, if I had made it past that point, into days or such, yep, no way I'd get through all these days without SR.

The good days, too, 'meeting' new people, saying hi and learning new things from questions posed by other people--questions I might have asked if I'd thought to.



Oh boy, well, I signed up for this, didn't I? And I suppose I'm starting to see some good come out of it. Let's see if I can go till Thursday... Thursday because all the days in between are so busy they're basically a flurry.

-TB, kinda sleepy actually
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Old 09-14-2009, 07:13 AM   #66 (permalink)
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Bubba..... what subject are you studying?
I had to empty my house of alcohol as I knew myself too well..... nice will power on not being tempted with the vodka.... can you get rid of it/or pour it out? I survived the BBQ yesterday where there was alcohol on offer... didn't even think about... seven up was all I needed and watching people making asses of themselves (which I enjoyed tremendously!)... not saying that to be smug, just sharing as your situation has parallels with alcohol being around.
Keep up the good work and wish you a productive day.
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Old 09-14-2009, 04:31 PM   #67 (permalink)
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hi TB... just checking on you dont get much of a chance to get on during week... stay strong you should be so proud of yourself !!
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Old 09-14-2009, 04:41 PM   #68 (permalink)
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30.....

Glad to see you are still moving forward
Well done!
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Old 09-15-2009, 12:07 AM   #69 (permalink)
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Hey y'all. Made it through another Monday--I saw Vegibean's thread too late, wish I had seen it earlier...

Didn't drink. Didn't think of it 'till I come home and no internet. Then like magic my brain's figuring out the logistics of getting to the store and back. Gr, brain. And it wasn't like I stopped when I realized what I was doing. No internet, no world. No human contact, such that it is. I gotta work on that. The justification, not the human contact. The second one would be nice, but not probable--if I haven't made friends in four years, I doubt this will be the magic month, not that it can't happen, but that it probably won't. I'm always friendly to everybody except Evil Roommate (she told me I'd be wasting my breath, and I figure my breath is valuable).

So I probably won't at this point, I got the internet back. As long as I can type y'all--or even just click on things on the internet to be honest, I can be happy and comfortable. But no internet causes me to 'panic', which is another suspicious new behavior of mine. Never used to panic, it wouldn't have been very practical anyhow. Still isn't, come to think of it.

But it's disturbing how reliant on the internet I have become. Six months ago, I didn't even have home access. Then again, six months ago I had neighbors I could talk to if I went outside to the front.

Oh yeah, holdfold I think I answered your question somewhere else... yeah, brain's still a little scrambled. It's Poli Sci-Beh Sci. And I can't really throw out their liquor without risking retaliation. And they've proven to be fairly petty, especially Evil Roommate. The owner of said bottles. So far, it's not that big of an issue--grocery store is a few blocks away and they got bottles filled all the way to the top. That's more of a temptation.

Well, it's a bumpy little road, and my shocks are shot... so I guess we do this the hard way. Day by day, what do y'all say, one day at a time.

-TB, wrestling with conscience far too often these days
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Old 10-08-2009, 12:15 PM   #70 (permalink)
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Hi y'all,

Took me a while to find this, but I figured I needed a positive Bubba again, even if it's a fake-it-till-you-make-it-positive-Bubba.

Skimming through this last page, it's kinda funny how some things changed, and others didn't. My Evil RM still has all those bottles... 'bout half a full stocked bar in this house these days... I manage to resist the temptation. I don't want her to have anything over me, since she admitted (without actual accusation on my part) to having thrown out all my things. Once again, pride for the win... And they say it's a cardinal sin.

And somehow I'm both more connected to the world and less. I have no numbers to call, but I have no telephone, so that sort of evens out. The nights aren't so lonely, because all day I'm busy around people. The weekends, on the other hand, are worse--the stark contrast between the first few days and the last few days accentuates this in my mind, I think. There is no way to be more lonely than without people and wanting to be around them--in fact, if I could get over the latter, there would be no lonely.

Today, my life has fallen apart all around me. It is physically impossible for me to live long enough til February without some financial help. I'm waiting on some people to get back to me... Grad school is theoretically out, although I suppose I could apply in the spring for a fall school, some let you do that. I'm not sure. I tried to ask right now, but for some reason the building with all the teachers is locked up tight--on a school day. ???

On the other hand, I'm in a good mood. Don't know why, my computer is knocking off browsers faster than I can install them. This is back to IE, third one today. Evil RM lied to the RA this morning, telling them I was the one that called--yet they know I have no phone. I guess if I sit back long enough, she'll hang her own reputation... Yesterday she somehow managed to make me fail an inspection across 8 hours. I'm mystified: how do you mess up a floor in 8 hours? She's good, I suppose.

Classes are going good, all that academic stuff is on track again, and so is my sobriety. Four days now. Which ain't much, but it's up there in my top 10 most sober days in a row.

So, I'm in a good mood, with absolutely nothing to do (all I had to do is inside that locked building...) and this is not good at all. When I'm in a bad mood, I can rationalize with myself that it'll pass sooner or later and I don't need to drink, or to come here or something. When I'm in a good mood, I see no need for rationalization...

Think I might go to the library and read up on this guy I gotta present on next week or sometime.

:ghug2

Take care y'all,
-TB
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Old 10-08-2009, 12:33 PM   #71 (permalink)
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I've heard of people have more smarts in their little finger than others in their whole bodies, but wowzer! Looks like it's for real!
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:30 PM   #72 (permalink)
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WOW TB i havnt been on for a few days but this is a much better post than the last one I read (codeine),,, so good on you for 8 days sober and for that little finger of yours
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Old 10-08-2009, 06:26 PM   #73 (permalink)
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*blushing* that was my little finger...? I'm sorry Marie, I didn't get it is all...

Oh. Um. Hi, y'all. I gotta go to talk to my teacher now... seems like I spend as much time talking to teachers/administrative staff around here as I do in class.

I got renewed energy towards this grad school idea. Trying to come up with a few good places to go live, and hope two or three of them have good grad schools for me to go to. Got some clearer picture on how it all works, and some people to pay for the tests and the apps.

It's only 4 days sober, but still... yeah it's a lot better than that codeine day. Especially the last part of that day. *shudders*

Take care y'all, I'll be back later or tomorrow, 'cause now my week's over at 10pm tonight, and I am NOT doing the same thing this week. No liquor no pills no nothing.

-TB
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Old 10-10-2009, 10:12 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Well y'all, I'm back to finishing up day 7. I was trying to read my science book, but I now have optical illusions stuck in my head, and have unceremoniously kicked out the Battles of Hastings and Agincourt.

Last night was rough, but I was in the chat room long enough the desire to stay sober for the night stuck somehow. And today I had to go to the court classes, so eeeearrrlyyy day for me. Then I took care of errands all around town, and on a whim headed to a westside city for a AA meeting. I was going to an eastside city, because I knew that one was pretty low key and while they wouldn't have much to say to me, they would at least not be rude. I'd been going there for the judge. But I went west...

And the people there were great, like what you hear online. I wasn't sure how to go about getting into the meeting, so I asked, and from there, the people pretty much guided me through things. I'm definitely going back there next week, and there are people my age and around (give or take a decade). I hadn't met anyone my age in a long time... hanging around all these 18-21 year olds has me age-confused sometimes. I know I'm not supposed to act like them, but that leaves a lot of room for guessing.

It's 2 hours away with the bus (can't wait til January or whenever I get my license back) so I can't go all the time. They already invited me to something on wed, but I can't go 'cause I have classes. I guess I am changing, 3 months ago I would have said yes... forget school. The one thing I truly lack in my life, and I hesitated in favor of the more rational choice... what is happening to me?

And weekends are proving to be the near-end of me, each time. When I met y'all, all the days were pretty much the same. Now it's a clear cut difference between Mon-Thu and Fri-Sun. During the week, I have things to do, people to meet and places to go. Not craving anything except possibly sleep. The weekends, I know I should be studying and getting ready for the week, and instead I choose to do nothing most of the time... like a "reward" for doing good all week. Gotta stop that. And worse, on the weekends, I'm torn the whole time--I could drink, says my mind, and sober up on Sunday. It'd beat having to be bored and lonely all weekend long, while parties go on all over with in earshot. I found an icon for weekends:

A

The chat room saved me last night, but tonight, I'm just sitting here hyper as could be.

Anyways, everything else is okay, I think.

Take care,
-TB, wishing the candies she left in the trunk were in her house right now...

Last edited by thirtybubba; 10-10-2009 at 10:13 PM. Reason: oops 7 days not 7 weeks ( :O )
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Old 10-10-2009, 11:34 PM   #75 (permalink)
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Sounds like your doing pretty good TB I have been getting a little bored lately as Friday & Saturday seem to be a little tougher (lots of people I know are drinking... no thanks). I have watched more movies & TV shows in the last few weeks than ever before (which is ok by me)

There is a great free movie & TV show website that I use |(streaming), PM me if you would like to check it out as I was asked not to post it here last time.

Keep up the great work!

NB
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Old 10-11-2009, 08:05 AM   #76 (permalink)
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Haven't watched TV in a while, although I got a few sites I could, but I can't on the weekend nights. But thanks for the offer. I have to tailor my playlist for no pauses in the songs... nonstop music (might be easier if I liked techno, say) or the closest I can get to it.

I mean that literally when I say the parties are within earshot.


Take care,
-TB, the only one in miles without a hangover
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Old 10-11-2009, 07:52 PM   #77 (permalink)
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Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Evil RM's home and her friend's not... don't know why, but it's put Evil RM in a bad mood. Now she's busy making up lies on the phone... I'm responsible for ants and dead rats on the vanity (??).

Earlier she was knocking on my door--a record 8 minutes. Most people would have given up. But then a few minutes later when I go out to wash some dishes, she starts in on me. Then I turn the music off, and she goes at it farther. Apparently I stepped to her, and she's telling "Mommie" how great she was at letting me know that I had overstepped the line... And that I'm a nasty ghetto b-. Luckily for me, half the things I "said" I wouldn't have said... for starters, I use the "F" word very rarely... and never in that sort of situation.

All I worry about is that the powers that be can't see through her... But it's impossible to argue with somebody who so freely lies. I can't defend myself, properly, or otherwise, which is why I chose to stay silent the last time we had that meeting. Well, mostly.

On the other hand, I guess I can see more clearly tonight--either the lack of alcohol or just the timing of it--that with nothing else to do, this is what she does. Lashes out at someone, I happen to be it.

Still bored, still lonely, still arguing with myself that if I drink tonight it'll take the pressure off--I figure by now that I'll probably drink again, always have... Don't know if that makes any sense, or if it's just alcoholic thought. There is some motivation in staying sober with this situation, but not much.

All day, I been trying to go in the chat room, but it either just pops up blank or everybody shuts up when I go in there. I'd prefer to think it's just popping up blank...

Well, take care y'all,
-TB, boiling inside laughing outside...
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Old 10-11-2009, 10:34 PM   #78 (permalink)
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I worry about that in the chatroom too, bubba.
I probably have really bad timing and keep popping in when people are mid way thru something. I'll keep going in though - that's how we get well right? Talking to other alcoholics.
Take care x
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Old 10-12-2009, 01:09 AM   #79 (permalink)
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Alright, that wasn't a very positive post I wrote.

So here's one. I actually read a bunch of my weeks' readings, so now I shouldn't be so pressured on those days when I have other things to do.

Went outside and read in the streetlight. Couldn't take getting yelled at and studying. Came back in and she was still yelling (or maybe she started again). I don't know why it's that serious, I really don't. But it's getting kind of fun to provoke her... the stories get wilder. Apparently I'm up to a lot of things when I'm not paying attention.

On a more serious note, it's reminding me how stories concocted under the influence of drugs and alcohol seem to the sober person. I never made up anything this wild, well not expecting it to be believed at least, but wow.

And, the positive thing is, I didn't get all the things done I needed to this weekend, and today was full of cravings all over again, but I read the chapters.

About today's cravings, I'm wondering if it's because Friday and Sunday were both isolated days of isolation (couldn't help myself)... and it was like a detox from being around and interacting with people? Sometimes I'm pitiful.

Take care y'all, gotta sleep now,
-TB
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Old 10-12-2009, 01:19 AM   #80 (permalink)
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