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Old 09-11-2009, 03:00 PM   #41 (permalink)
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NB, 2:30 is early though! I can't sleep on a regular schedule... Last night I fell asleep at midnight.

Taz, I'm still waiting on that... Well, to be fair, things have gotten better, but only me. I wake up not needing a drink and am probably in a better mood--can't really tell because I don't talk to anybody, but I find myself bouncing along to music more than I think I did before. And some other stuff. But I'd rather my life got better too, I guess. Maybe I'm just being selfish. I'd really like a job, so I don't have to rely on a broke state to pay me. Still nothing there.

Holdfold I got two weeks!... I did it... somehow. I guess by mostly not paying attention during my daily life to the fact that I was not drinking. Being very busy. The school semester really helped, I think.

As far as CT, um, no thank you. Maybe in March... Been living in Cali long enough not to own real gloves or coat... jackets for the rain and sweatshirts for the desert nights. Although I fly all over the place when I'm bored, and I notice I still can handle the chill of 30, even though I complain here about 60.

I like painting, it's nice and mindless. I always liked stocking stores for the same reason. Lots of time to contemplate other things.


Sorry I haven't been around, first this computer crashed, then the internet in the dorms. In between I said a few things, lots of PMs. Unfortunately, what I saw on the first page yesterday scared me off. At the time I was looking, the first half were from people who had relapsed. What with my self-awarded silver medal and all, I needed to not be reading all those. Nothing against the people who wrote them, I just am not in a good place to be reading person after person stumble on a path I'm not real good at walking in the first place.

I'm still scared to look at a lot of people's threads.

So, after closing the laptop I had to think of something quick to do. On Tuesday, I cleaned up loose ends at school. So I decided to do the same with Los Angeles. My loose ends, at least. There's 14 million of us from Bakersfield to the border, I hear. I'll let the other 13,999,999 tidy up their own messes, thank you very much.

Almost back into the court program, gotta call on Wednesday for an appointment. Got my mail at my old address--for a while it was useful to have 2 addresses. Went into Hollywood for a CD I've been wanting--they didn't have it.

In a car, this might have taken me a couple hours. The bus company managed to turn it into a 9 hour trip. 4 locations, all within 30 miles or so of each other. On a Thursday afternoon (ie, not much traffic, even in LA).

First, the first bus from school decided not to come, or possibly was there only in an alternative universe. Either way, ten minutes later I decided to drive partway--driving the whole way made no sense, no parking at some locations, to a train station. Ha ha, the website claimed there was such a thing as parking at train stations. Noplace I could find could tell me how to get to it--including LiveLocal or whatever it's called these days. I eventually found the way in by circling the place. It was not marked. Over the course of my afternoon, 3 buses refused to stop for me (?), 2 of them waved behind them. Don't know if they were referring to their passengers, telling me to wait for the next bus, or if they were even gesturing to me. One bus I boarded, I showed my daypass and said "Good afternoon." I got a loud tirade back about how this is not about me, or any of the other passengers, that the driver can't be fired because he has tenure, and the reason he picked me up in the first place was because I was standing at the bus sign, that if I had been sitting a few feet over on the bench, he would have passed me by, because he only has to pick up people at the sign. I nodded and sat down--in the back. No, I don't understand his speech, but I'm happy he didn't drive the bus off a bridge or something. The bus system does a good job of being impossible around here.

Got home very tired and irritated with the buses, and found out my internet was down. Da- near cried. My saving grace was my sleepiness, because I didn't know what I'd do without the internet, to play with, to come here, to... it's pretty much been my crutch in sobriety. For better or for worse. It's my only connection with the outside world anymore, and tonight I get to go home to Friday night in the dorms, lock myself in my room and read or something. While everybody outside and in my living room is loud talking and having 'fun' of some description. Not looking forward to it.

Anyways, like I said to Holdfold, 2 weeks! 14 days! And still aiming for more, no reasons happening that might risk that. Although I'm somewhat impulsive/ reckless, but if my roommates are already drinking when I get home, they're easier to deal with.

One thing I overheard last night made me think: They had invited some frat boys over, and were drinking @ 11pm or so. Those guys left, don't know when. Then around 1:40--liquor sales stop @ 2 in this state--one of them, Evil Roommate, tells Art Roommate that she 'needs a drink.' Maybe Evil Roommate hates me because of her own problems (I don't know her name, much less how much/often she drinks), or she knows what and why I'm going through all this mess, and hates me for being sober. Who knows--it's just a thought.

Well, headlong into another weekend. Got nothing really, a meeting on Saturday and church on Sunday. I really really really hope the internet is back up, the Student Union is not open all the time on weekends.

Well, take care y'all, it's two-week-sober TB signing off for right now...
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Old 09-11-2009, 03:15 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Thats a great post and you must read the latest ones and see a difference in your outlook and the way you are writing! Have you managed to find yourself a sponsor at the meetings yet? I do love reading your posts and hope for more to come...not the old ones though, didn't like them as much;-) PM whenever you want btw!
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Old 09-11-2009, 03:17 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Congrats again on yr 2 weeks Bubba

It took me a while not to be afraid of relapse too - but I eventually figured out there was no bogeyman waiting to throw me down and get me likkered up...just me

If I really don't want to drink, there's a million opportunities between wanting a drink, getting a drink, and putting it to my lips - a million chances to pull out of the deal - if I really want to.

We've both got the pinkie on the steering wheel Bubba - all we really have to do is do again tomorrow what we did today.

I'm not being flippant - it's not easy, by any reckoning - but it's certainly possible
D
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Old 09-11-2009, 03:35 PM   #44 (permalink)
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I reread my posts a week ago or so... didn't notice that, but I wasn't looking for it either. Maybe I'll do it again... I'm changing? Eek.

Didn't take it for flippant, not the sort of thing that offends me anyways. And I know, lots and lots of ways to get drunk. Truth is, when I think on it--which isn't often really--I usually wish I was drinking, but not enough to want to go to the store or anything, 'cause I realize I could quite easily achieve this state. I don't get it really, maybe it's just hard to say goodbye.

The candies help. But right now, I don't have any. Haven't had any for almost 7 hours. And only one cigarette--which pre-sobriety would be normal for a morning. And in both cases, it's just cold turkey.

I thought I might clarify one thing, about the relapses, though. It was the sheer amount in a row--musta been like 7--that were all first time posters/ new-ish, talking about they messed up. One or two has never bothered me--I'd be the last one to not reply to something like that... A whole bunch in a row scared me, and from people I didn't know yet, 'cause there was nothing to break it up, and I was headed back to LA to play on LA buses--which I never used to could take without being drunk, far too frustrating.

To be honest, it just felt like some kind of omen...

:sorry

Anyways, take care y'all, I'll be back later. TB
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Old 09-11-2009, 03:44 PM   #45 (permalink)
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nah it's not an omen - it's a recovery board Bubba - it means we're doing our job well and people want to come to us for help

D
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Old 09-11-2009, 04:26 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Hey thirtybubba, awesome job on getting to week 2.

In the absence of your physical presence, I've noticed a change in your posts; your language is more precise and positive and you're reaching out to other people. You're also sharing some of your wisdom now, which is great because clearly you've got a lot of experience which may help folks going through similar stuff.
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Old 09-11-2009, 04:36 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Thanks Box, the language comes and goes... usually inversely to how much I have to write for school etc. Or moodiness...

I don't speak anything like I write, so the more emotional I am--in any direction--the more my actual speech comes out.

And yeah, I'm amazed at how a lot of people PM me (I don't mind, from anyone) about similar situations / just to say they're proud of me / just to talk. I guess there are more people like me out there. Sure haven't met any here where I'm at.

Funny thing, this here internet...

TB, signing off 'cause the battery's about to die.
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Old 09-11-2009, 09:42 PM   #48 (permalink)
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..i knew it from your very 1st post...

..you are special.....love ...Oz..
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Old 09-11-2009, 10:37 PM   #49 (permalink)
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..u2 NB..
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Old 09-11-2009, 11:29 PM   #50 (permalink)
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..u2 NB..
Tx Oz, U2 mate
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Old 09-11-2009, 11:46 PM   #51 (permalink)
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Thanks, Oz.

Back at you though, for all the smiles late night when I'm blue
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Old 09-13-2009, 12:16 AM   #52 (permalink)
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When I started this, I meant for it to be a positive thread, hence the name.

But it's starting to look like it's just gonna be the reverse of the other ones I made. Usually, I'm upset and by the end I'm calm, shaky but calm.

I was feeling good for so long, like a whole week. Thought it could last... Wanted it to last.

But today's been touch and go since about noon--it's midnight. I managed to sleep off most of it, but I woke up at 7:30 and just been poking around my room some. Can't focus on anything for more than a minute. All I can think of is I have nothing to do till Monday morning. Outside my door is the thick smell of weed, more of an annoyance than enticing to me. It's Saturday night in the dorms...

I've been debating what to do all evening, and go to the store almost won when a friend called me up. I stayed on the phone long enough that all the stores 'round here closed up, and I just don't feel like driving. What I heard makes me sadder if that's possible. Apparently my only 'friend' in this state has been going around telling everybody that he'll 'get' me sooner or later--that one night with me is worth breaking up our friendship. This p-d off my friend, who knows I have never had any such intentions with this individual. It was always about just having somebody to talk to, or see every now and then. Never even went anywhere, just hanging out on the porch, talking about this and that--all sorts of things. Just human company, never even hugged him.

Guess I know what I'm worth to him.

I feel so very all alone now.

But, when I think on it, I guess nothing's changed except how I see him. He ain't changed, I ain't changed, and anyways, he was 30 miles away in the first place, not like I've seen him much since I left LA.

Just me sitting here on the floor incapable of crying--though it'd probably do me some good, some release--staring up at nothing. I think I'm sad, but maybe I'm just empty. Made it through today and don't know how. Tomorrow is far less sure, unless this mood swing thing flips while I'm sleep tonight. If I sleep tonight...

Earlier, I left to smoke a cigarette, and while I was out there, I was thinking how right then and there if I was offered a drink, I might take it. I wasn't offered one, haven't seen anybody since then--the party was here, but it's moved on.

And now it would be an unbearable tease...

I knew it would be hard to quit, but I never figured I'd be as miserable now as then, late nights trying to figure out what the h- I did wrong. I don't understand why the AA people leave me alone till I'm better. I don't understand why this is acceptable to people as long as I'm doing good in public. I don't understand why I'm still in Cali, why this degree means anything to me. I don't understand why people are so standoffish here.

I do understand that my state of mind coupled with alcohol will probably negate the last four sentences.

And I'm just yelling at the moon... I guess it would be more convenient if I would have problems in the early evening, like the AA people from the meeting told me was a good time to call.

Going back outside. All the anger in me is giving me a headache. Not going to the store, just outside.
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Old 09-13-2009, 12:30 AM   #53 (permalink)
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Sorry you're feeling down Bubba.

Its been 2 weeks - everything seems that much bigger, that much darker, that little bit more greyer....it's an immutable law for most of us that almost everything that can shake you in your first 3 months or so will occur.

If it was easy to do this, we wouldn't need SR.
It's not easy.

Crises don't come by timetables - I'm sorry the only offers of help you've gotten aren't very helpful to you so far....I'm thinking you really need to widen your net there....I know many AA people who would help you - you may have to search them out tho...

But, in any case, we've got SR - 24/7 whenever you or I or anyone needs it.
Noones alone in this, Bubba.

D
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Old 09-13-2009, 01:06 AM   #54 (permalink)
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Glad you posted, thirtybubba. Hang in there. Now that I'm sober there are still times when I am acutely depressed. For me sobriety is no overall panacea, sh!t still happens, the difference is that now I have to deal with it instead of numbing it away. To use a clumsy analogy; it's like putting up with the temporary pain of removing a splinter instead of letting it fester.

I found weeks 2-4 very difficult, I was over the sobriety honeymoon and wanted a divorce. It's hard, but day by day I'm moving forward and healing a little bit more - you can too.

Dee's advice about widening your net is spot on, clearly you're not getting the support you need with your current contacts/resources.
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Old 09-13-2009, 02:01 AM   #55 (permalink)
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Quote:
And yeah, I'm amazed at how a lot of people PM me (I don't mind, from anyone) about similar situations / just to say they're proud of me / just to talk. I guess there are more people like me out there. Sure haven't met any here where I'm at.
there are more .. keep posting TB.. i can see a difference in your posts as well


Quote:
I found weeks 2-4 very difficult, I was over the sobriety honeymoon and wanted a divorce. It's hard, but day by day I'm moving forward and healing a little bit more - you can too.
box: found this interesting as i am nearly at week 3 and really really feel like i hit a brick wall... good to read its 'normal' and i'll get over it soon???

sorry TB wont butt in again just grabbed my attention
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Old 09-13-2009, 02:39 AM   #56 (permalink)
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My crises mostly come at night... long past everyone's bedtime. Which is why I'm grateful for Australia and Japan...and time zones in general.

I know why that is, sort of, I've always been afraid to fall asleep. Less so now, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the past.

Guess I'll just steel myself for the next couple months. And here I thought I was already reinforced.

When I came here--Cali--I tried to make friends, that didn't work. After a year or two, I mostly gave up because I was going crazy hitting that proverbial wall. With AA here, I don't know what else to do. The school 'meeting' has problems... the teacher who makes it happen doesn't want it to be a 'public' meeting... he said that those who want to find it will, and won't put it in the internet or the book. It's a hotspot campus... none of us do anything without the internet. So as a result, there are two people besides that teacher who go. And the other is there 'cause a judge sent her, she still drinks.

Everything else requires 2 buses to get to, so an hour. I need a four hour window around any meeting, so the 7pm ones are out (bus service stops before 8:30) and the noon ones are all that's left--and they're not every day. I'm going to keep trying.

Although, I gotta admit, I can't figure how I'm supposed to just ask for phone numbers when nobody talks to me much. Even when I try to talk to people, they smile and stick to cliche's.

Guess I just do it. But I'm still shell shocked from all the people telling me one way or another that I should call around 4pm or not at all, and those telling me I'm supposed to be already better. Or those who said I was too far away to come and pick up. So I guess I'm coming into this with prejudice. But I need somebody, or somebodies, desperately. I've been back here since mid-July, and I can't remember feeling like I was part of even a conversation. My world is turning surreal again, and without the liquor, it's lonely.

And I think I'm turning evil. My roommates are now playing drinking games out there, they're louder than my music. And when I came in earlier, they were trying to hook up a dvd or something to my TV. Hah. It has about 40 places to plug something in, and the buttons on the remote are not clear. I've had the thing for about 4 years, I can work it in my sleep, but I know they can't (can hear them). So I came in here and killed the light.

It's about the first thing that made me sort of happy today.

All this is turning me into a person I don't want to be.

Anono, I don't mind mini-hijacks for educational purposes. Heck, I'm told I have no manners anyways, and I honestly barely know internet manners.

-TB, in the dark
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Old 09-13-2009, 03:28 AM   #57 (permalink)
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anono, I don't know whether it's normal, but it's certainly my experience.

In all honesty, it's not like I woke up one morning and it all felt better, rather I'm starting to feel a sense of equilibrium. I feel like my foundation's growing stronger. Not drinking is just one part of it.

thirtybubba, I'm glad you're going to keep trying. Your roommate AV exploits made me smile too. Evil? No. But I'm not above a bit of the old schadenfreude.
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Old 09-13-2009, 03:44 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Ah, schadenfreude. LOL

D
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:08 AM   #59 (permalink)
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Just wanted to say that I relate. I spent most of Labor Day weekend either curled up on my kitchen floor or hitting the refresh button here at the SR site. It seemed like the longest 3 days of my life. But looking back, that time was short and it's over now, and things change every minute of every day and you don't feel the same way as you once did.

My signature line--I say it like 100 times a day. Just a reminder to get out of the prison that is my own mind. Because I have the ability to drive myself crazy right now--I haven't found true peace yet or feel comfortable in my skin. But I try to "stockpile" by taking care of basic needs, spiritual needs, emotional needs. And that way when these dark times come, I have a little more ammunition than I did before.

Just thought I would share. Take care and hope it helped a little.
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Old 09-13-2009, 05:34 AM   #60 (permalink)
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:ghug3 2 U thirtybubba.
Why not check in with Firestorm, isn't he in S. california...? I know that U R friends.
U can always get on a bus and come here 2 Tucson, only about 6.5 hours away. U have my address. I have an extra bedroom. U R always welcome.
Stay very strong.
PS: Remember guys R visual, who cares what he said, U know his nasty intentions anyway. U R 2 pretty and above him.
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